May 1st, 2018
1am
Dear reader,
How ironic life is, when a book called "Letters" (that are meant for the reader), doesn't have any chapters that are written in actual letter form.
How ironic it is, that yet again I'm crying at night, like I always do, for some dumb reasons.
I've attached a song, when it came on Spotify I started crying rivers.
You probably know how crying feels like yourself, but I'd love to tell you my experiences, maybe we cry differently.
At first it starts with me feeling depressed for a few hours, but then it starts to hurt.
It hurts way deep in my chest, my breathing starts to fuck up, my heart gets a weird feeling. It feels like blades are cutting through it.
I usually lay on my side, on my right side. That's why I always start crying from my right eye.
If I'm not laying in bed, I constantly have my head tilted to the right.
But this time I'm laying in bed again, and when this song came on, the tears, with no pressure, just fell down the side of my face.
They cover my face in warm saltiness, later stopping.
And then I'm left with the feeling of dread and nothing else, there's just a hole in my heart.
My pillow is stained with tears and my heart is stained with sadness.
And I think to myself again "it hasn't ended. It will never end. I'll be stuck living with this monstrosity my whole life. And I can't change myself."
And I lay there.
And I don't do anything but listen to the music.
And hurt.
How are you doing, reader? Because I'm not doing good.
I haven't been doing good for a long time, but telling the lies that I'm fine has become a daily thing for me, sometimes I even believe it myself.
My replies are getting shorter to people yet again.
People are scared when I'm gone for hours again.
Oh how it hurts.
I feel my heart start to beat faster.
Excuse me reader, I think I'm going to cry again.
Best wishes,
sophie.