this book is ending.
i am so grateful for it, you must be thinking, what can 4k views and a couple of actual readers give you, for you to be grateful? well it was like my own personal filtered world, which acted like a less tragic part of my mind.
it's something that has gotten me through times of despair, heartbreak and sadness, but it has also caused horrible worry for the people reading it and for me.
it's bittersweet.
the reason i started this is to get my feelings out. when i started this book i was at this point where i didn't talk to anyone anymore and i needed a place to finally speak.
i didn't want to make a rant book, because they were just not my thing and rant books were really popular back then and eh, i just didn't want to jump on the bandwagon.
i wanted to do poetry, because i got into the simple poems where there's just one line of words yet it speaks for thousands of people. of course, i still really do prefer rhymed long poems, but they just took much more work and i wanted to update fast, that's why most of my chapters are short and unrhymed. but all of them still have a big place in my heart, because they all mean something to me.
all the things i went through made me realise that i can't be writing all of the time. that's why i always had some prewritten chapters. i even had about 10 planned out chapters now. so why end this?
the reason is that this book can't help me as much as the real world can now.
i suffered through so much shit in 2017 and the start of 2018 and the only thing that stayed with me through it all was this book and i'm grateful for that. but nice things end just like bad things and this book has reached its end.
sometimes i can't believe the things i went through, the poems water it down so much and when i remember what actually happened it stabs me in the chest.
i wish for all of you who are suffering to find a place to express your feelings, because it helps, even though it waters it down.
but even after all of what happened. after all of those suicidal and depressing chapters. i'm better.
this book has been with me in a time where my head clicked and my life perspective had changed completely and utterly. i felt the same things, but i dealt with everything in a completely different way.
it made me bottle everything up, but it made me realise how much better my relationships can get that way.
it changed so many things. and i think there's a place where this book clicks too. maybe i'm the only one who sees it, but the place where my mind changes, the chapters all become different.
my mind is rotten, unhealty and kills me sometimes. but it's changed.
anyway, there are 3 upcoming chapters, so stay tuned for that.
right now i'm going to read all of the chapters of this book from start to finish, to remember things, to remember me, to remember people, places and memories.
to remember who i was and who i am.
to remember who i will always be.
stay alive,
sophie.