Chapter 16: My name

“What do you mean you don’t know? It’s your name, isn’t it? How can you not know?” Searle asked.

“Yes! I should! But I don’t! I don’t remember my name at all,” Joan said, the panic washing over her fiercely. She couldn’t take it like this, so she slid from under the covers and got to her feet, beginning to pace. “I remember so much about my life. Who I was, what I did. I remember my home, even. But I can’t remember my name. I can’t remember my coat of arms. I can’t remember who I was!” she almost yelled that, the panic beginning to overwhelm her. How was it possible she didn’t remember her own name? She had a name, she had to have a name. But she didn’t.

“Maybe you didn’t have a name? Maybe they just called you hero,” Searle said.

“I had a name,” Joan yelled before flinging herself down on her bed and burying her face in the covers for a moment to silence her screams of frustration before she spoke again. “This just has to be part of the cost is all. That makes sense, doesn’t it? I had to give up my powers, my life, my family. If I didn’t, I...” She let the words die in her throat. “I didn’t have a family anyway. There was no one to remember my name aside from my servants. If I wasn’t there, then...” She gave another soft sigh and reached her hands up to cover her face. “Is it possible I’m just insane? Maybe this is all a delusion?”

“I don’t know how else you’d know all the things you seem to. You found me, didn’t you?” Searle asked. She heard a creak from the bed and, after a moment, felt him pat her on the shoulders. She cringed at the touch, but after a moment she relaxed. Of all the people she expected to be trying to convince her she wasn’t insane, he was not one of them.

“Right. It just has to be part of the cost. Maybe that was it. Maybe I just never existed here. Only the memories of the things I did existed is all. That’s it,” she said softly. “I had a name, though. I had to have had a name. Why can’t I remember my name?”

No matter how hard she racked her brain, though, the name didn’t appear. Despite all of the lives she lived, all of the history and future she had access to, her name didn’t seem to appear. It was always foggy, either ‘hero’ or ‘Joan’. She knew they hadn’t called her Joan, though. That was just her current name. She could remember so much about herself, so why couldn’t she remember this? What was so important about a name that she had to forget it amongst everything else?

“Why does it matter?” Searle asked.

“Because it matters!” Joan yelled, raising her head to glare at him. However, her anger was short lived. She let her head sink back down onto the bed and sighed. Try as she might, she couldn’t imagine any reason it WOULD matter. Whoever she had been had either died or never existed in this life to begin with. She had been the only heir of her household, if she died there would be nothing left. The holding, titles, everything would have been reclaimed by the crown or died out entirely, another forgotten legacy. There was no way she could ever convince them to give them to her. Even if she could, she wouldn’t want to, none of the memories of those empty halls were good, often bitter and cold. She couldn’t even remember the faces of any of the servants who had worked there at the time.

But it felt like a part of her was slipping away, that side of her that was supposed to be the great ‘hero’. The part of her that was supposed to save everyone. All the was left in the end was Joan, a weak magic swordswoman who had already been nearly killed thanks to the weakest minion of the Inferno God. To her surprise, that thought didn’t bother her nearly as much as she suspected it would. In fact, just being Joan sounded almost pleasant. She raised her head to look up at him. “You believe me though, right? Still? Promise?”

“Of course,” Searle said softly, slowly pulling his hand back and returning back to sitting on the bed across from her. “Feeling better?”

“I think so. It’s kind of a shocking blow, knowing that. But those are just the sacrifices one has to make. I want to save the world, so the loss of a name or history shouldn’t mean much, right?”

He gave a small nod, smiling at her. “No. If you’d like, I could call you hero?”

For some reason THAT made her cringe. “Please don’t. I’m not the hero anymore. Joan is fine. You know everything now, I think. More than Hardwin after--” She stopped in mid-thought when a new idea hit her. She felt like a fool, it all made sense now. “I bet that’s why he still doesn’t fully trust me. No wonder. If I haven’t even said my name in all this time, I wouldn’t believe me either. I probably sound like some crazy girl.”

“I don’t think he thinks you’re crazy,” Searle said.

Joan rolled her eyes but didn’t respond to that. Instead, she let her mind wander for a moment, focusing on what she did know, rather than what she didn’t. Searle believed her and, for some reason, trusted her. More than she had ever trusted him, at least. That meant there were other opportunities she could use. Hardwin would be gone for months. But she still had one of the chosen with her. She could use him to get another. “It’s fine. Hardwin is dealing with Thalgren. You and I can get one of the others. Andreas is the obvious choice, but I have no idea where he’d even be right now.” She could feel those memories on the edge of her mind, like circling hounds waiting for her to fall so they could surge forward and overwhelm her. He had never been one to settle down and just work, often drifting from town to town. It could take months to find him. “Same with Chase. That leaves Neia and Korgron,” she finally said.

“Who?”

“Neia the Radiant. She’s the bow. She’s likely to be the most dangerous one to retrieve,” Joan said with a small sigh. She ran a finger along her throat and shuddered. “We should likely wait until Hardwin returns. This is going to call for excessive rank to get near her.”

“What?” Searle asked, staring at her.

“Politics,” Joan said with a wave of her hand. “So many politics. That leaves Korgron the Vile. The crown.”

“The vile?” Searle asked.

“She’s not vile,” Joan said quickly. “It was the nickname she had been given when we fought her and she’s really quite nice. Probably one of the greatest rulers I’d ever met and an incredibly kind, loyal friend.”

“And she’s a demon,” Searle said, staring at her.

“By birth, not choice. But I know where she is. It would only take a couple of weeks, maybe a month or two, but we could get to her and prove to her that she’s one of the chosen.”

Searle stared at her as if she had lost her mind. “You mean the demon lands, don’t you?”

“Of course, where else would a demon be?” Joan asked.

“Not a chance,” Searle said firmly.

“What? But you said you believed me. This is our chance to--”

“I do believe you,” Searle said, cutting her off. “But it’s because I believe you I can’t do this. The demon lands are nowhere for--”

“A child?” Joan asked, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

“Anyone,” Searle said, ignoring her comment. “The monsters there are horrific and the dangers are horrific.”

“Yes, they are. But I’ve faced them. I know the way, I could get us in and I am certain that, once you train a bit, you’ll be more than a match for anything there.”

“What if you get hurt again? What if you get sick again?”

Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

“I feel fine,” Joan said with a shake of her head. “I overdid it. But--”

“Do you want me to get a second opinion? I’m pretty sure that Bauteut would have a few words concerning that.”

The girl cringed and laid her head back on the bed, the prospect of another tongue lashing from the healer making her want to hide away. She couldn’t help but feel silly at how much the prospect of getting scolded by the older girl upset her. Bauteut had a way of sounding as if she pitied her, was disappointed and also as if she was going to tan her hide whenever she scolded her. It wasn’t fair, she was pretty sure the other girl was a few millenia younger than her in a way, there was no reason she should have been so easily upset by a child. Even if the child was, technically, years older than both of them.

“Besides, the only way we’d be able to enter the demon lands is through Demonfall Pass. There’s too much going on there now,” Searle said.

“Where? What? What’s Demonfall Pass?” Joan asked, lifting her head to look at him.

Searle stared at her for a few moments, his eyes wide. “You don’t know? You want to go into the demon lands and you don’t know about the pass?”

“Can you just tell me?” Joan asked, struggling to keep the annoyance out of her voice.

“Are you familiar with the events of Batwatch Valley?”

That made her cringe again and close her eyes, slowly pulling her blankets back over herself. “Yes. I am distressingly aware. You know I managed to stop it, before. When I was a hero. But there wasn’t a hero this time.” She felt another sharp pang of guilt. If she hadn’t given up her abilities, maybe she could have stopped it this time as well. No, she would have stopped it. But the results were always the same. She arrived in the nick of time and put the monsters down before they could perform the ritual. So much death, but so much less than there was in this timeline.

Not that it had mattered. In the end, everything went wrong regardless of the valley.

“Yes. But it became a staging area for the demons. From there, they took the pass and a few of the neighboring territories before their advance was halted,” Searle said. “There has been some back and forth between the demons and our forces, but it’s by no means safe. Trying to go through it would be suicide. And on top of that we--”

Joan pulled her blankets tighter and curled up into a small ball. “You’re right.”

Searle stopped in mid sentence, staring at her. “I am?”

“Yes. I didn’t know this. Or I did? I think I did. I was...” She reached up and gripped her pillow, holding it to her face and giving another light scream. “I did know this!” She could remember it all now. It was a few years back, there had been so much worry. Adults running about, people talking about the demons getting stronger. Would they march on the capital? With the pass and valley having fallen, how would anyone survive? But then it had all stopped. The demons had taken the forts and then held their line, reinforcing from there. Since that time there had been skirmish after skirmish on the borders, but nothing had truly come of it yet. Except the cultists had become more active. They’d summoned the horses and who knew what else. That was where the primary forces of the kingdom were now aligned, holding them back. It was why mercenaries like the Crystal Phoenixes were so important now, to deal with smaller, mobile threats. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and tried to keep herself from bursting into tears, letting out another scream into the pillow. Slowly she lifted her head. “I knew this. I did. But it all got jumbled together and I couldn’t remember. How am I supposed to fix any of this if I can’t even keep what’s happening now straight from what happened then?”

He stared at her for a few long moments before, finally, he looked away. “I’m sorry. I don’t know.”

“This wasn’t part of the agreement. I had to set everything right. That was what we both agreed to. But I just can’t process it correctly,” she said softly. “It’s too much. It’s all jumbled up in my head. Korgron should be there, but how can I know? I can’t just go searching across the demon lands like this. Hell, the only reason we found her when we did was because of sheer dumb luck. It’s just so wrong!” She buried her head into the pillow once more and let out another scream.

“Joan, it’s going to be okay,” Searle said, unfortunately those words, especially from him, only made it worse.

“It’s not going to be okay. There’s a time limit, Searle. If I don’t stop this, if we don’t stop this, this whole world is damned. Every last soul here. It’s all my fault. If I had just done things right! If I hadn’t been so if I’d just been a better hero, if I’d just known the right steps.” She gave the pillow a light punch, the tears forming in her eyes again. “If I’d just done everything right the first time, none of this would have happened. I’ve already failed so much. How many more people are going to die because I wasn’t able to be the hero?”

“You can’t blame yourself for that. You’re only one person, you--”

“I’m the only one who can do this!” Joan yelled, glaring up at him through tear stained eyes. “I know what’s going to happen! I know how this all ends if I don’t do something. I’ve damned the world again and again. If I DON’T fix it, who can? When I was the hero, I stood without equal. Only the demon lord could hope to challenge me and that was due to all of his tricks. We even slew a god! Yet, I still failed. The whole world was depending on me to succeed and again and again I failed. I gave up everything I had for this chance, to try and set things right this time. For what? Things are even worse than they were. The demons are taking territory. When I finally have to face the demon lord, who knows what will happen? If I don’t have--”

“We,” Searle cut her off. “When we face the demon lord.”

“You know what I mean. When I fail, I come back. I get another chance. I have to be the one to fix this. I’m the only one who can. I’m the only one who knows what’s coming. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” she whispered, now hugging the pillow so tight to her chest it almost hurt. “I can’t do it alone, Searle. Everything will be my fault in the end, but I can’t fix it like this. It’s just too much. The whole world is going to fall apart and I’m the only one who can fix it and I’ve just failed over and over and over again. I need to figure this out, to get all of the memories and thoughts sorted. I need to figure this out and I need to figure it out now. We’ve already lost so much time because of me. Twelve years. Twelve years where there was supposed to be a hero and I just wasn’t.”

“Joan, there’s still time.” She heard him get to his feet and walk forward, felt the shift of the bed when he sat besides her. Felt the warmth when he reached out and patted her on the head. “No matter what, I promise I will help you. We’ll stop this, together. All of us. But I promised Hardwin to keep you safe. We can’t go blindly into danger. So please, trust us. Trust the chosen. We’ll save the world somehow, we won’t make you redo all of this again. I promise.”

“You can’t promise that,” Joan said.

“I can. I will. I am,” Searle said.

“It doesn’t mean anything. You could have made this promise last time too,” Joan said softly.

He was silent for a long moment, his hand lightly stroking her hair. “Do you think you told me last time?”

Joan thought about it for a few moments. Her first run through these times, she was certain she would have kept everything hidden from them. Tried to guide them and done everything on her own. But she was a magic swordswoman, it meant she had failed at least once. Was this her second attempt? Third? Had she run straight into the pass and been killed by the demons without knowing the danger? Probably. It was the kind of stupid thing she would have done. Either way, she shook her head. “No.”

“Then this time will be different. Trust us. The gods gave us this power to protect the world. If you can guide us, then there is no way we can fail. I promise you. Despite everything I had done, you trusted me enough to tell the truth. So I beg of you, please trust all of us to succeed this time.”

Joan stared up at him before slowly wiping her eyes. “What if I get you all killed again?”

“You won’t,” Searle said before smiling down at her with far more confidence than she thought he was capable of. “So long as you trust us, we won’t let you down. You won’t let us down either.”

“I’ve done it before.”

“This time will be different. For now, focus on one thing. Get some more rest. We’ll return to the queen and, from there, we’ll decide where to go next,” Searle said before giving her one more pat on the head and then pulling away from her.

Joan gave another nod before looking at her pillow and turning it over and laying it back down, then collapsing her head onto it. She felt exhausted but also somewhat relieved. She’d failed so many times, but this time things had to be different. This was a path she was certain she’d never traveled. She knew because she hated it and it made her feel miserable. She had always done all of it herself, the chosen had been her friends, of course, but they’d only been support and allies. The responsibility had fallen on her to lead them, protect them, guide them. She’d kept so much from them across so many lives.

There was no way she would have trust them to take care of everything, told them everything about what was happening. Trusted them to be depended on regardless of what went wrong. Perhaps that was what she had done wrong so often. They were the chosen of the gods, after all. If she couldn’t depend on them, who could she depend on? The Inferno God? The demon lord? The queen?

She certainly couldn’t depend on herself.

Joan glanced over towards Searle after a moment, eyeing him. Despite everything, though, she still wasn’t sure how she felt being comforted by her killer. At the very least this life would be unlike any other. Maybe it would be the one where she finally ended this terrible cycle and could rest at last. One where she didn’t damn the rest of the world.