Chapter 10: Not a child

Joan awoke bright and early, much to her surprise. When she saw the sun still rising outside she had a moment of panic and fear that she had slept through another day. However, the thought was quickly abandoned when she saw the tray from the prior night still on the desk, now empty. She didn’t remember eating it, she--

A flurry of memories and thoughts of her past lives came to the forefront and she quickly pushed it away, lifting the pillow up and over her head. The last thing she needed was a thousand different memories of all the different meat pies she’d eaten. Even moreso when she considered they hadn’t all been good.

If she had slept a full day away they would have taken the tray by now, she was certain. More importantly, she desperately wanted to believe that Hardwin wouldn’t just leave her behind without saying anything. She climbed out of the bed and took another slow, deep breath.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” she said softly to herself. “You can do this. Hardwin will be there. You will find the chosen and you WILL save the world. Nobody else can do it, so you have to. You will not fail again.”

Despite her attempts to make herself believe it, though, she really couldn’t make it feel true. She was already fairly certain that she HAD failed at least once before, so why wouldn’t this time be any different? If she hadn’t failed there would be no reason for her to be a magic swordsman to begin with.

Joan walked towards the door and stopped when she saw some clothes resting on the chair, which was now besides the door. She wondered when someone had come into her room. Why hadn’t she heard them? Had she been that tired? She felt a bit more panic filling her at the idea that she had slept another day away. What if she just didn’t remember eating the food and it was all in that jumbled mess of thoughts and memories in her head? “How long is this going to last?” she whispered to herself. She picked up the tunic examined it. A simple enough tunic, though it bore the Dusklam family seal over the heart. There were also riding breeches and a riding cloak. At least it seemed he didn’t intend to leave without her.

She started to dress quickly, only pausing for a moment to glance towards the wardrobe. There was no telling when or even if she’d return, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to wear a dress one last time. While these riding garments were far nicer than what she was used to wearing in this life, across all of her lives she had worn nicer garments more times than she could count. They weren’t even tailored for her.

Joan quickly shook her head. “You don’t have time for this,” she said softly to herself, pulling the cloak over her shoulders. “No more wasting time. The world and everyone in it is waiting for you. Expecting you. If you fail, it won’t matter what you wear. So stop. Wasting. Time. You’re going to eat a simple meal, find the chosen and save the world. That is the only reason you exist. So let’s go.”

------

Joan already felt weak when she entered the dining hall, escorted by her guard once more. It didn’t help that she’d been trying to remember the guards name since they’d left her room.

Fortunately, she didn’t appear to be connected to any other memories so it was almost relaxing trying to remember the woman’s name.

Those thoughts were shaken from her head when she saw another familiar face at the table.

King Ulfraine, once a great warrior of the land, or so the stories she’d been told said. A warlord who wielded a massive greatsword that normally took three men to carry and crackled with lightning when it was swung. Now he was an ancient man with a short, gray beard, a hunched frame and receding hairline.

Or at least he HAD been when she remembered seeing him. While the man at the table was no doubt him, he looked so much younger than she remembered. Old, certainly, but he didn’t hunch over, nor did he have those long, tired eyes she had seen so often. Even his laughter was filled with so much life and energy she could barely recognize it. On either side Hardwin and Emeline were sitting, the three of them going over maps.

She didn’t move past the door, instead just watching. She supposed he must not have always been hunched over and exhausted, but none of those memories sprang to mind and she didn’t want to risk digging for them.

“Now that the blasted horses are gone, we can retake Redfire Keep. From there, we’ll be able to hold the valley. But they return again, we’ll need you to go back and put an end to their swarm,” the king said, tapping the map firmly. “I just hope you’re right about that skull.”

Horse? What horse were they--

Once again memories flooded her and she reached up, putting a hand to her head. Those blasted lava horses. As the Inferno God had come closer and closer to appearing, it became easier for those cultists to call on his beasts. Flaming horses made of lava had been a particularly deadly, to normal people, threat.

Joan shivered when she remembered the fight to stop them from being summoned. A demon girl had been using a strange obsidian skull to summon them by the dozen. She and Hardwin had to fight through a veritable stampede of them in order to destroy the skull in the end. Many of the cultists had escaped but the threat was dealt with. Ironically, it was the fight that in many of their lives had been the catalyst for Hardwin to develop the Swanfall technique.

“It seemed to be the source,” Hardwin said with a sigh. “I don’t like how sudden they appeared, though. I only just killed the Troll of Reflections and then they pop up a day later. That’s too convenient. On top of that, there were the remains of a keep here, near the entrance of the valley, that I couldn’t find any record of. It looked half destroyed, but there’s no reason it should even be there. If we can push them back enough, I think we should investigate it. If the demons built this keep, only to destroy it, something else may be going on here.”

“You’re worrying too much about timing,” Emeline said with a shake of her head. “We’ve known the demons were preparing for their assault for a while. This is obviously what they had in mind. Our focus now needs to be on holding this valley. So long as we hold them here, they won’t be able to move their largest monsters into our lands. Our biggest concern should be the summoners. If the skull wasn’t the source then--”

“The obsidian skull was the source,” Joan said before she could help herself. All three of them turned towards her. Hardwin looked annoyed and ready to throttle her, though Emeline and Ulfraine had looks she just couldn’t identify. They seemed shocked at first but, after that, they seemed almost happy to see her. She was pretty sure that was what that look meant.

She really didn’t have many experiences seeing that expression on their faces to be sure. “Feeling better, I take it?” Emeline asked. “I wasn’t sure you’d be able to make it down here after yesterday. I hear you had quite a bit of fun.”

Joan could feel her cheeks burning and she quickly nodded. “Yes. I just needed to clear my head and I do that much better with a sword in hand than laying in bed. I do hope that’s okay, I--”

“It’s fine,” Emeline said, holding her hand up to stop her. “Just be careful, you’re still recovering. Hardwin, I didn’t know you told her about the skull.”

“I didn’t,” Hardwin said softly, his eyes narrowing on her. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to have a word with Joan,” he said before pulling away from the map and walking towards the exit of the hall, grabbing her by the arm when he passed by.

Joan barely suppressed a hiss of pain, scrambling to keep upright when he pulled her out of the room and closed the door behind them. Once they were alone, he glared down at her. “What?” she asked.

“How did you know about the obsidian skull?” he asked.

“You know how,” Joan said, barely suppressing a sigh of exhaustion. “The same way I know about everything else. I’ve done it enough times now that I’d have to know. Did you get the sorcerer?”

“Who?” Hardwin asked.

“The demon girl who was using the skull to summon them,” Joan said, rolling her eyes. “She’d be about--” The words died in her throat and she stared up at him with a look of horror.

“What?” he asked. “Joan, don’t look at me like that. You look like you’re seeing a demon.”

“The horses were made of lava, right?” she asked.

“Yes, they were. I want to know--”

“But they appeared a few weeks after the Troll of Reflections was destroyed,” she said again, the anxiety rising inside her.

“No, a few days but--”

“No. Not here, not in this time,” she said quickly, reaching up to grab his arm. “They always showed up a few weeks later. Always. Without fail. That should have been years ago,” she said, barely suppressing the panic now. “It’s not just a coincidence, Hardwin. Whoever summoned them was waiting for you to kill the Troll of Reflections to summon them. We need the other chosen.”

Hardwin closed his eyes for a few moments before sighing. “I see. I really, really, really wish I wasn’t starting to believe you. There wasn’t any demon girl, though. There were a lot of summoners, most of them are dead now. Right, assuming that things are following the same path they were back then, what happens now?”

Joan closed her eyes and tried to remember. First the troll, then Batwatch Valley, then the horses. After a few weeks they were called to the dwarven lands. “Dwarves,” she said softly. “We were called to help them stop this strange tunneling worm monster. That one was rough. We found a whole nest of them buried underground. It took us months to clear them all out. Thalgren is there, though. We usually didn’t have his help.”

Hardwin stared at her for a long moment, seemingly struggling to process that. Finally, he spoke up. “The Devouring King?”

“What?”

“The Devouring King. A massive worm the size of a castle that chewed through stone with ease, killing thousands?” Hardwin asked.

“I mean, that sounds like it. But I think we mostly called it ‘Damn bloody bastard worm’,” Joan said with a sigh. “I don’t think we ever called it the Devouring King. Especially once we found the nest,” she said, though his comments finally clicked in her mind and she stared at him. “Wait, you know about it?”

“I killed it years ago. What do you mean nest? There’s more of those things?” Hardwin asked.

“Hundreds of them,” Joan said. “That’s going to be something we’re going to have to deal with.”

“I’m going to have to,” Hardwin said quickly.

“Hardwin--”

“We’ll discuss it after we get, what was his name?”

“Searle the Diligent,” Joan said with a sigh. “But you’ll need my help to--”

Hardwin finally let her arm go and then turned away, walking back into the hall. Joan sighed and followed him, already feeling more tension in her at the thought they’d be having this fight again later. More importantly, though, she found her thoughts focused on the strangeness of the situation. The skull had always appeared after the troll, but Batwatch Valley and the Devouring King had appeared before. Did that mean those two hadn’t been connected, but the skull had been?

Some things had happened in order in the past, but weren’t happening now. Was it possible that things had just changed? What if the skull wasn’t actually connected to the troll at all, but the events happening differently was what caused it to happen now? Hardwin said there had been multiple summoners, but in her experiences there had only been one. Was it possible that the usage of the skull in her lives had just been rushed due to the failed attempt on Batwatch Valley? Or was it true that someone had been waiting for the destruction of the Troll of Reflections to go to work?

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Joan had to resist the urge to scream, especially in front of the king and queen. They probably already thought she was slightly insane as it was.

Her thoughts were cut off by someone shaking her shoulder, making her jump. “What? Who? Sorry,” she said quickly, glancing at Hardwin.

“You were asked a question,” Hardwin said.

“I was? Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. What’d you say?” Joan asked, her cheeks burning red.

“Me, actually,” Ulfraine said. She glanced towards the head of the table, where the king and queen were sitting. She finally realized that the table had been cleared of maps and plates had been set in front of them all, piled high with sausage, eggs and a bread roll. Emeline looked as if she was trying not to laugh. Ulfraine, however, was just watching her. Now that she thought about it, he hadn’t said a word since her arrival. He’d just been watching her.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I was just thinking.”

“Rather hard, I must say,” the king said with a light laugh. “I’ve heard quite a few stories about you, Joan. Considering what I’d heard about you, I never imagined you to be much of a thinker. You clearly must get that from your mother.”

“Hey!” Hardwin said, turning to glare at Ulfraine. Emeline, however, burst into laughter then, covering her mouth with her hand.

“I wouldn’t know,” Joan said with a shrug. “But I suppose it’s likely. I certainly didn’t get it from Hardwin,” she said, unable to keep herself from lightly teasing her friend as well. She was rewarded with a vicious glare.

“So, tell me. It seems you were familiar with the obsidian skull, but Hardwin never told you. I’m curious how you came across that information?” Ulfraine asked.

Joan paused and then glanced to Hardwin. He just stared back at her with a look that she, unfortunately, recognized thoroughly. There would be no help offered here. She then glanced to Emeline and, unfortunately, the queen seemed quite interested in the answer as well. She mentally cursed herself for such a foolish slip up. Her brain scrambled for some reason she could have possibly known.

The worst part was, the obvious answer was that she was a spy of the demons. If they thought that was true, there was no telling what they’d do. “It’s really hard to explain,” she said softly.

“Please, go ahead and try,” he said, his eyes narrowing slightly.

Of all the people who would end up making her squirm uncomfortably and worried that something terrible was going to happen, she never thought it would be him. Yet, here she was. Struggling to keep herself from twitching in the chair when he watched her. Joan glanced to Hardwin and struggled to resist the urge to throw her plate at him. He had the callousness to look as if he was ENJOYING her squirming. “I have dreams sometimes.”

“Dreams?” Ulfraine asked.

“Dreams. Sometimes they’re of things that will happen, but--”

“Like visions?” Emeline asked.

“Yes!” Joan said quickly, seeing an escape route ahead. Visions, of course. That was the perfect explanation for what she had. “Sometimes I have visions of things that might happen or will happen.” Her heart leaped with excitement when she realized this was the perfect method by which to explain how she knew who the chosen were. “In fact, I had one the other night about one of the chosen. I think I know who it will be. A young man at the academy,” she said before glancing back up at the two once more.

Emeline looked shocked but relieved. Ulfraine, on the other hand, was just staring at her with a look she couldn’t identify. She gave a light shudder. Something about that look made her feel as if he was just measuring her and prying into all of her secrets, tearing them apart to lay her truth bare.

“Hardwin never mentioned you were a seer as well,” Emeline said, glancing towards the chosen. “Why would you hide something like that?”

“I didn’t know,” Hardwin said with a shake of his head. “I must say, it has been quite the surprise to me as well. But then, Joan is just full of surprises it seems.”

“I didn’t tell him,” Joan said quickly, her heart pounding so hard now she was certain they could hear it. “I mean, with everything that was happening when we first met, I never really had a chance to. It’s not perfect, either, sometimes it’s wrong or things happen out of order. If I was wrong, it’d make it sound like I was just making it all up. But sometimes it’s incredibly clear and I just know it’s true. For example, I know Searle is one of the chosen and that we have to go and get him. And--”

“Searle? Who?” Emeline asked, her eyes narrowing on her. “What do you mean, get him?”

“You didn’t tell her?” Joan asked, glancing to the chosen who suddenly seemed fascinated by his bread roll. “Of course not,” she whispered before turning to the queen and clearing her throat. “Yes. I had a dream, or vision, of the chosen of the shield. Someone I knew back at the academy. Hardwin and I need to go and--”

“No,” Emeline said firmly.

“What?” Joan asked. “He needs me to--”

“If the chosen is there, Hardwin can go and collect them. You need to stay here and recover. You’re still not fully healed.”

Joan took a slow breath and closed her eyes. She felt that anger building and she knew she had to control it. She was no longer the hero, screaming at the queen would cause her nothing but trouble. She had to control herself. “I’m fine. I’ve been sleeping for days, but we need the other chosen as quickly as possible.”

“You’re not fine,” Emeline said curtly. “If you push yourself now then you’ll end up breaking.”

“It’s just a few days trip,” Joan said again, trying to keep her voice calm and level. She mentally repeated to herself all of the dangers of yelling at the queen. “Please, I need to go with him. I promise I’ll be careful. I promise I won’t put myself through any unnecessary risks.”

“Hardwin, you can’t be okay with this,” Emeline said, glancing to him. “She’s your daughter, isn’t she?”

Hardwin pinched the bridge of his nose before shrugging. “She’s been taking good enough care of herself to this point, I figure she can take care of herself. We’re going to Tomefall to see if this Searle is the chosen. If he is, then this gives credence to her visions,” he said with a sigh. “It’s the best, only, lead we have at the moment.”

“But it’s too dangerous for her to go, she’s just a child,” Emeline said firmly.

Joan struggled, desperately, to keep her anger in check at that comment, but it boiled out slightly. She slapped her palm on the table far harder than she intended, surprisingly making the queen jump. “Yes, I am young. But I am not a child. I haven’t been a child for years. I can fight as well as any adult, no, better. I am a passable mage. I can survive in the wilderness on my own for months at a time. I could likely fight demons if need be. I got hurt by the Troll of Reflections, yes. But aside from Hardwin, nobody else has managed any better. Even the most powerful mages and warriors in this entire empire couldn’t have done it. More importantly, I was the one who figured out its weakness and helped Hardwin defeat it to begin with,” she said, barely resisting the urge to slam her palm on the table again. “I am not a child, your highness. Please stop treating me as such.”

Emeline just stared at her, her mouth hanging open slightly in shock. Ulfraine spoke up a moment later. “Hardwin, you never mentioned that part.”

“What?” Hardwin asked.

“The fact that she was the one who discovered the creature’s weakness. I believe you mentioned cutting it down with a new skill of yours. But not that your daughter had been the one to reveal its weakness.”

“Ahhh, yes, it must have slipped my mind,” Hardwin said, focusing intently on his breakfast roll again. “I would have figured it out anyway, a troll is just a troll in the end.”

Joan gave a light shake of her head. She couldn’t help but wonder how that fight would have gone if she hadn’t been there. If he’d used his normal fire based techniques against the monster he’d have barely hurt it. On top of that, it was definitely stronger than it had been when she killed it as the hero. Would Hardwin have been able to win? She shuddered at the thought that he might have actually died there. “You need me, Hardwin.”

“Perhaps we should let her go with him,” Ulfraine said. Emeline started to object, but he held up a hand. “If you are worried about her safety, there is nowhere safer than besides one of the chosen. If they’re only going to Tomefall, a few days trip will hardly hurt them. More importantly, if she has any more visions, it will likely be best she is by his side.” He then turned his gaze towards Joan and she felt a shiver go down her spine. “After all, she is correct. Even if she is young, she is certainly not a child. If we treat her as such, we may lose an advantage in our war against the demons that we can ill afford to.”

Joan stared up at him and couldn’t help feeling incredibly small, weak and vulnerable. There was something about the way he said it and the way he looked at her that made her feel as if he was looking right through her. He couldn’t possibly know what she was. At least, she hoped he couldn’t. But she still couldn’t help feeling that he was slowly tearing away her layers of defense.

After all her worry about the queen being her greatest danger, could it possibly be that the king would take that role in this life? She honestly wasn’t sure which was worse. The threat she knew or the one she could never have guessed at.

“Very well,” Emeline said with a sigh. “Since you all clearly think this is the correct decision and sending a chi-- a young woman riding through the wilderness while she is still vulnerable is wise, I’ll relent. Joan, just remember. Take care of yourself, be careful. You’ve been through a lot lately and if you push yourself too hard then your body will force you to. One way or another.”

Joan gave a small nod, trying to keep the smile off her face. “Of course, your highness. Thank you. I promise, I won’t take any risks that aren’t necessary.”

------

Joan tried, and failed miserably, to keep her spirits up even when the rain pelted them. Her body ached, she was cold, every step of the horse sent small vibrations through her legs that reminded her just how sore they were. How long had they been on the road now, a week?

No, despite how achy she felt, she knew she’d only been on the road for a little over a day. Unfortunately, it had begun to rain the night before and there was only so much they could do to avoid getting soaked. A part of her wondered if it was a sign from the gods that they desired for her to be miserable and cold.

“Are you okay?” Hardwin asked.

“Can’t we go any faster?” she asked. “We’re wasting time.”

“I’m not having our horses go running through wet roads.”

Joan gave a soft sigh, but nodded. She knew he was right. Still, she couldn’t remember the last time she felt this miserable. She used to ride horses for weeks at a time, forced to replace them at every village just so they could rest, due to the urgency of the situation. She wanted, desperately, to do that now.

Unfortunately running through the rain would only make it worse. She closed her eyes and lightly tried to cast a spell to reduce the pain in her legs. She regretted it almost instantly when powerful nausea spread through her and forced her to clutch the reins to avoid falling off.

“Are you okay?” Hardwin asked, slowing down a little so she could keep up. “Do you need to rest?”

“I’m fine,” she said, though she knew it was a lie. The trip was already taking them longer than necessary due to the weather. She didn’t dare delay them any further.

“Are you sure?” Hardwin asked again.

“I’m fine. We’re almost there. This rain can’t last forever, right?” Joan said with a small smile before glancing up at the clouds above. The thick clouds made her suspect that it could. She swore she had saddle sores ON her saddle sores.

“I knew I shouldn’t have brought you,” Hardwin said with a shake of his head.

“I’m fine!” Joan said again, unable to keep the desperation out of her voice this time. “You need me, remember? What if there’s another monster? I’m the best source of information you have.”

“Allegedly.”

“A good father would believe their daughter,” she said, the annoyed look he gave her was almost enough to make some of the pain fade.

“A good daughter would obey their father,” he said after a few moments.

“I’m many things. A good daughter is certainly not on that list,” she said right back. “What even possessed you to come up with that lie to begin with?”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Hardwin said. “What was I supposed to tell her? You’re either the reincarnation of some past or present or future hero? Or possibly a spy from the demon lands? Maybe just insane? The possibility of you being my daughter seemed far more believable if I wanted her to heal you and it was kind of what came to mind at the time. Personally, I would have preferred to have had more time to talk to you before I had to explain everything, but you decided to try and get in a fight you had no place in.”

Joan didn’t respond, though she felt a sinking feeling in her chest. She wondered how things would have played out if she hadn’t gotten hurt. Next life she’d be an archer. Distance would be her friend. “Hardwin, thank you. I know you don’t really believe me, not yet. But you will, I know you will. You’ll see that--” The words locked in her throat and she pulled on the reigns, hard. She looked around wildly, her heart pounding. She could feel it again. That strange feeling of being watched. Of some unseen threat watching for her and getting ready to strike.

“Joan? What is it?” Hardwin asked, quickly pulling back besides her.

“Can’t you feel that?” Joan asked, looking around wildly. However, through the thick rain she couldn’t see anything out there.

“Feel what?” he asked, his hand moving to the hilt of his sword.

“That, it’s like something is watching us. I can feel it, all the way to my core,” she whispered before reaching down for her own sword, only to mentally kick herself when she realized she didn’t have one anymore. Then, as suddenly as it had started, the feeling was gone. She let out a sigh of relief before glancing to Hardwin. “It’s gone. You had to feel that. Right?”

“I didn’t feel anything,” Hardwin said before tugging on his mount’s reins. “You’re just tired, Joan. Come along. We’ll take a rest at the next town.”

“I’m not tired,” Joan said, her ire rising. “I’m not imagining it, either. There was something there, I know there was!”

“Of course there was,” he said, the doubt obvious in his tone. “Come along.”

Joan sighed, but followed. She hadn’t imagined it. She was pretty sure she hadn’t. Had she?

No. She wasn’t jumping at shadows. There had to be something she just wasn’t noticing yet. She wasn’t insane or panicking. She hoped.