Chaper 48: restart

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Quietly, the snow trickled down onto my hair as the two sliding doors of the airport opened, and I saw sunlight for the first time in 11 hours.

To my surprise, it was even colder outside than expected. I warmly rubbed my hands together as I waited outside at the cab stand with my suitcase for my mom to show up.

The entire process of traveling home had taken two weeks. Booking flights, quitting my job, saying goodbye to everyone, spending time with Kathy.

Now I was standing here looking at the street lightly covered in snow. Somehow, I expected my life to make a reboot. However, I was just as disoriented as before. A mediocre degree in my bag and no idea what I should do with it. Logically, I should actually go to university and study. Of course, this thought had crossed my mind a several times, but nothing really matched my interest. English perhaps? But what should I do with it then? Teaching profession?

Why can't I just go back to school, so I don't have to worry about my future like this?

A loud honk snapped me out of my thoughts and the attention of all passers-by was drawn to the silver car, which stopped with squealing tires in the parking lot of the cab stand.

Oh gosh, that's not mom.

The blonde guy got out of the car and walked around it. "Did you miss me?". Sunghoon put both hands in his pants pocket before he stopped in front of me, grinning.

It took me a moment to find my voice again. "I thought mom was picking me up.".

To be honest, I would have preferred even mom's awkward pickup with a "welcome back" sign than having, like now, everyone's eyes on us because Sunghoon couldn't manage to keep his voice down. Or at least he didn't care.

"Not even a hello?". He tilted his head and suddenly wrapped his arms around me, which completely threw me off my game. What the hell was happening? Like, did he actually care for me? "Did she force you to pick me up?".

"Am I not allowed to greet my sister after not hearing anything for almost half a year?". Sunghoon frowned and opened the trunk to put my suitcase inside.

A feeling of guilt spread through me. Of course, I had my reasons and needed distance from him, but it was not in order to contact him not even a single time.

"Sorry.", I apologized. "I know i acted like crap.".

We both got in the car and my brother started the engine. "It's my own fault. When I'm such a shitty older brother, it's not surprising.". In shock, I lowered my cell phone. Was he serious or was that another one of his great jokes? Like, there's no way he meant it. I suspected all along that he had no idea how fucked up I felt.

"I know I have crossed some boundaries. And I also know that I have been one of the reasons you left. I mean, I can't blame you for that either.".

Was he actually serious?

"The thing with Jake," Sunghoon suddenly laughed. "God, I don't know what was wrong with me. I was kind of paranoid that he had a crush on you, even though that's total bullshit. I don't know where I got the idea that you would even start something with one of my friends. You're so not that type.".  How I wish I could have said right now. "Gosh, you're absolutely right, Sunghoon. How can you even imagine such a thing?". But no words left my mouth. Instead, a crushing sense of guilt spread through my body, making it difficult to breathe.

"What if I would?", my voice sounded hoarse, on the verge of failure. I squinted over at my brother, who just frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?".

I swallowed and noticed my hand tighten around my phone. "I mean, what if I suddenly did have a thing for someone of your friends. Like, you can't choose who you fall in love with.".

"Well. What am I supposed to do about it? Do what you can't help doing. You are old enough.".

My eyes widened, and I stared down the street in front of me. Where did my overprotective brother go, and what happened to him? Like, was I interrogating myself or was this actually happening. My head was so agitated that only a spark was missing for me to bust out with the truth.

"Jay, Jake, and Jeongin are stupid, but I'd rather see you walking around with one of them than a total stranger who treats you like dad treated mom. ". He explained. "Beomgyu though...just no, stay away from him. Besides, you know...him and Siu.". I nodded. I couldn't even remember the time before Beomgyu was gushing over this one girl. It started even before I went abroad. Only I had no idea who she was back then.

"Heeseung...what about him?".

My heart inevitably began to pound. If my brother gave me his blessing right now, this miserable game of hide-and-seek could finally stop.

"Why would you even ask that? He has been like a brother for you.".

"I know. I mean, just because you mentioned all your other friends. That's why I'm curious...".

"You don't need an answer.", He shrugged. "You exactly know my opinion. But that question is self-evident. I mean...Heeseung? He said himself that he would never start anything with you, so it doesn't matter anyway.".

"Yeah, I know...It's pretty unlikely. But what if...".

"...Hyeona, just stop it!", He interrupted me and I sank deeper into my seat. But what was I thinking? That he would have no problem with our relationship and just accept that his little sister spends more time with his best friend?

***

I spent the first few hours unpacking my suitcases and sorting unworn laundry into my closet. I noticed the oversized black sweater that had taken up most of the space in my suitcase.It still smelled of him, although I had worn him almost a complete day.

I crawled onto my bed and disconnected it from the charging cable to take a photo of the spread fabric.

"Do you want me to bring it over 🙃 " I typed without further ado, before pressing send.

To my surprise, the answer followed not a second later.

Hee 💕:

No need to. I'll pick Hoon up in an hour, and I can take him with me then 🙃

Pick up Sunghoon? What had they planned again that I didn't know about?

Me:

Ohh! What are you going to do?

Hee 💕 :

There's this football match in the city later. He bought us tickets.

Me:

Sounds exciting. Can I join?

just kidding

Hee 💕:

You know I would love to take you along

Me:

Naww 💗

Hee 💕:

See you later <3

Me:

👋

Downstairs in my suitcase, I found my headphones, which I put on a short time later and turned on music. Since my room had not been cleaned for some time, I decided to do so. Actually, I hated it, but with music almost everything in the household became my favorite task.

While dusting the window, my eyes fell on our terrace. The last time I looked out of this window, it was summer, good weather and the world seemed fine. Now everything was covered with a white blanket of snow and it seemed so unfriendly. So lifeless. The trees in our garden, so bare. Just as it looked inside me. The feeling of not really knowing what to do with your life is really depressing.

The only thought that cheered me up was that in less than a month it was Christmas. My favorite time of the year. The only time of the year when our quarreling family meets and celebrated together.

I flinched in shock as a pair of hands closed around my waist from behind. I spun around, startled, and removed my headphones.

"Hey".

I laughed with relief when I recognized Heeseung. "Hey.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You didn't hear me.".

"Don't worry. I just didn't expect you.", I said and also wrapped my hands around his waist to hug him.

"Sunghoon is in the bathroom. So I shouldn't stay here that much longer.".

"Oh, right!", I quickly walked over to my bed and handed him his sweatshirt. Of course, I sprayed on a few pumps of perfume before returning it.

Since my bedroom door was directly across from the bathroom, we both noticed Sunghoon walking back into the hallway, which made Heeseung quickly skip to my bedroom door and I jumped cross-legged onto my bed.

It probably looked extremely strange in Sunghoon's eyes, but I hoped he didn't suspect anything.

"Ready to go?", Sunghoon asked, and his head appeared between Heeseung and the door frame. Heeseung turned around and nodded. "Okay then, see you somewhen...". With these words, he closed my door and disappiered downstairs with my brother.

I couldn't help but kick my feet as I squeaked around on my mattress. This shit was actually so fun. It's like an unprecedented thrill. The chance of being caught made my blood heat up in my veins. And even though it was wiser to just tell the truth, it excited me how long we would be able to keep it a secret from others.

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