Chapter 36: say goodbye

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As I walked further and further along the beach, I picked up the call. At first, there was silence on the other side of the line. I knew exactly that Heeseung was sitting right behind his phone and didn't know what to say, just like me.

"Hey." I finally heard his voice, after what felt like an eternity.

However, I remained silent and squatted down in the wet sand. With each small wave, my dress sucked more full of water, but I really couldn't care less at the moment.

My finger poked holes in the sand beneath me as I waited for him to say what he wanted to say.

"I know you are listening. I can hear the waves in the background.". he said calmly and it was silent again, just like he was waiting for me to reply. But he quickly realized that I had no intention of doing so.

"You have all right to be mad at me. I'm actually so relieved that you picked up. I know I fucked up. I promised to call you, but I was so drunk, Hyeo. I couldn't even remember where my phone was. You can't imagine how bad I feel.". He paused and laughed softly, shaking his head. He couldn't be serious, could he?

"We miss each other so often these days. Our video calls almost never work out lately. Something else keeps coming up for me, and I feel so crappy about it. We really need to change something about that, don't you think?" he laughed again, which felt like a punch in the stomach.

I pressed my lips together to keep myself under control. He kept quiet about it. He wouldn't tell me about it. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, he would have kept it to himself for the rest of his life.

"Hyeo, please say something. I need to hear your voice.".

I pulled my legs close to my body and buried my head between my folded arms resting on my knees.

"Please."

"What do you want to hear, huh? I can't believe you're really doing this to me," I tried to say as calm as I could, but I couldn't hide the fact that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

"Are you crying?" he asked, surprised. "Hey, why are you crying?".

I wasn't able to hold it back any longer. "Why I am crying? Ask yourself what the reason could be.".

"Hyeona, please! I'm trying to understand. I'm worried!". His voice sounded confused and desperate.

"You didn't seem worried at your party yesterday.", I replied and I realized how my tears gradually were replaced by anger. "Wasn't it nice to leave me waiting by the phone while you preferred to have fun with some other girl?". The way I would have loved to end the call right after that sentence.

A stressed intake of breath could be heard on the other line. "Wait, wait. Nothing happened, Hyeona. Nothing at all! Like, she kissed my neck and stuff and I let it happen because I thought it was you. You can't imagine how badly Siu and the boys got me drunk. I couldn't think straight at all.".

"Great. What is that supposed to tell me now? You remember what happened that night with her, but you don't even know what I look like?". I wiped my face with the back of my hand.

„Night?! Hyeona, please.", he begged. „I swear to you, nothing happened at all!".

„Having sex with a pretty girl is the best way to get someone else out of your head, right?", I repeated the words Siu told me a few hours ago.

His voice sounded indignant. „That's such a bullshit. I don't wanna get you out of my head! Why won't you understand it!".

„I told you a couple of times you should go and date other girls. But that's not what I want anymore.". My voice almost collapsed by the end of the sentence.

„What do you want? I will do anything! I promise!", Heeseung answered immediately.

„Let's break up.", the tears started running down my face again.

„Please Heeseung, that's what I really want. I-I can't do this anymore.", I sniffed. „I'm not ready for a long distance relationship. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. I miss you so bad that it hurts.".

„You can't be serious?", he answered in shock after a few seconds of silence. „Please tell me you are messing with me.".

„I'm not. I'm really not. Since I've been here I feel like I'm getting worse every day. I hardly eat, sleep badly and it feels like I'm slowly mutating into a spy because I have to think non-stop about what you're doing, who you are, with whom you're meeting. My psyche is breaking down because of it.".

„Can you turn on the camera?", he asked, and I blinked a few times. „Please, let me see you.". Hesitantly, I tapped the button that finally made my face appear on the screen. My puffy eyes have completely ruined my make up and my eyeliner was completely smeared due to my rubbing.

„Look at me.", he demanded, which finally made me take my hands off my face. „There is not a day that I do not miss you. And I would love to have you here with me all the time. And you do, too. I know that," a sad smile appeared on his face. „Otherwise you wouldn't be crying. Am I wrong?".

But I shook my head. „No Heeseung. That's not what I'm talking about. I don't want to endure this pain and longing any longer. And I don't want you to do that either. Yesterday's only confirmed it for me. You need and want affection and intimacy with your special person, but I'm sitting here, thousands of miles away. So...".

„So you wanna break up with me? That's the reason?".

„The reason is, I want both of us to be free again. To be able to restart. I shouldn't have gotten a crush on you. I mean, we've known each other all our lives. Why now? Why us?".

"That's not true. You're the person who wants to be free again. How do you know what I want when you don't even try to understand? You think of me as some...hookup guy who goes crazy when he can't get anyone into bed for a week.".

"Because you are! You've been like this all these years! So how should I know that it's different now?".

"Because people change. Or are you still the 10-year-old girl who plays with her dolls in the garden after school?

I kept silent and avoided his gaze. Of course he was right. Everyone changes somehow at some point, but how could this conversation escalate this quickly?

He sighed and rubbed his face. „If a breakup is what you really want, then okay. I don't wanna force you to stay into anything you are not happy with.".

My sense of guilt only went further down the drain. I was the bad one. Me alone.

"I won't understand it. But I would accept your decision. So tell me what you want.", Heeseung continued, while my mind went blank. I anxiously twisted the ring on my finger as he waited for me to answer.

„Uhm...I think maybe a break would be the best.", stumbling over my words, I wondered where the sudden uncertainty came from. „At least for me.".

Heeseung shrugged and nodded one time. „If that's what you want...sure!".

Well, I wasn't that sure anymore, but it was indeed the best decision. At least I thought so.

„I just wanna let you know that you can always call me, or text me whenever you want to talk.", he said. „And if you change your mind...".

„I will definitely keep that in mind. Thank you so much, Hee!",

„Take care then, I guess.", He scratched the back of his neck, the disappointment written all over his face, which broke my heart in 1000 pieces.

The lump building up in my throat made it hard to answer. „Yeah, see you!". This time he was the one who hung up. When the screen switched back to sleep mode after a few seconds, I lay flat back in the wet sand. My dress was completely soaked and now the waves started tickling the tips of my hair as well.

I'm feeling like the shittiest person ever. Why is my stupid self not able to just have a serious relationship. No wonder I spent most of my life alone in my room. I was the problem, because I myself didn't even know what I really wanted. No one else but me.

„Is everything all right?", a deep voice above my head made me open my eyes in shock. It took me a few seconds to recognize a young man standing on his head, slightly bent over me. „I saw you leaving a few minutes ago from afar.".

„Oh yes, I'm fine.", I sat up quickly and adjusted my slipped dress. „I'm just a little tired.".

„I didn't mean to eavesdrop on your conversation or anything, but I just happened to be passing by...", he rubbed the back of his nape.

My eyes scanned him from the top to the bottom.

Light brown curly hair. Tanned skin. He had his hands buried in his peach-colored swim trunks and his bright blue eyes could be seen from afar.

"I'm Hyeona, by the way," I introduced myself and held out my hand.

"Conrad," he took it kindly, but didn't immediately let go again as I expected. "Wow, you're totally cold. How long have you been lying there in the water?".

"A few minutes, I don't know exactly".

"You better change into something dry or you'll be sick tomorrow," he suggested and I nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I was just aback to leave anyway, today is just...a crappy day.

Just a hundred meters in that direction is the hut of my surf club," he explained to me. "We can get you towels to dry there.".

I nodded and unceremoniously got up from the floor. "You surf?", I asked as I brushed the sand out of my hair.

"Since I was seven years old. I'm actually from Hawaii, Oahu. Surfing is one of the most popular sports there.".

"That's really cool. I've always wanted to try that. Until now, I've only water skied once or stood on a skateboard," I laughed as we reached the small cabin and Conrad unlocked the door.

I stopped in the entrance and admired the hundreds of surfboards hanging on the walls and spread all over the room. "Water skiing is already not a bad start.". He pulled out a light gray towel from a cabinet and handed it to me. "I can give you lessons sometime if you want.". He stopped in front of me and looked at me expectantly all.

His husky eyes stared right into my soul, which is why I turned to the side intimidated and laughingly held the towel in front of my face.

"Stop looking at me like that," I complained, feeling the heat rise to my face.

His gaze immediately broke away from me. "I'm sorry. You're just really pretty.".

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