Ashlynn
More than another year later
Australia
When Trace said Soundcrush was skipping out on promoting their new concert documentary, Legacy, to party in Australia, he meant it and he made it happen. Soundcrush can do pretty much what it wants these days.
In the years since Angelo Moran became President of Colossus, and Soundcrush has became his absolute all-time favorite act, he doesn't press too much. If Soundcrush wants to kick it instead of making the rounds of late night to promote a concert film that's already bringing in millions, he shrugs and collects the Colossal share. He knows keeping Soundcrush happy at Colossus will make him more money in the long run.
So there's been no label static at all about Soundcrush's radio silence on the new documentary since its premier. Instead we are focusing solely on vacationing. Our holiday has consisted of surfing, sunburns, barbies and lots and lots of beer. Well, for the beer drinking set, at least.
Going non-traditional for Christmas is a blast. Especially considering the last couple of Christmases have been tense. Two years ago, the whole band was in Atlanta for Christmas staying at the band house while finishing up their third album. Soundcrush celebrated Christmas with my parents. Which would have been great except that my dad lost his mind and invited Ross Gallant to Christmas.
That was bad, but next year was worse.
Instead of announcing their pregnancy like they had planned, Mac and Adam announced that Mac had suffered a miscarriage just days before. It was sad but every one rallied around and Madam focused on enjoying Christmas with almost two year old Lennon.
Mac and Adam weren't the only ones that lost last Christmas. Bodie lost...everything. Then, Soundcrush lost him.
The last two Christmases are both good reasons to take a break from familiar traditions and focus on the here and now in a totally different place. There are also two more immediate reasons to party hard down under.
Number One, we are celebrating Kat's college graduation. I'm so proud of my little sister, who worked hard and graduated early. When we get back she's starting her new job as Executive Director of the Loving Marcs Foundation, and no one will be better at philanthropy. I've actually learned so much from her over the years, and she's a valuable member of the Sweet Child of Mine Board. So her big professional step forward is a huge thing to celebrate proudly.
The second good reason to lay low down under is Leed is trying to keep me far away from the American press, after his massive foot-in-mouth that made me cry on national tv.
It happened at the red carpet premiere of the Legacy documentary.
Legacy isn't just a performance cut. It's movie that documents a lot of Soundcrush's history and personal relationships. There were tons of interviews and raw footage, and the band didn't exactly know how the piece would be shaped until the previewing of the final cut. We all thought it would be a del Marco love fest, but it turned out that Kat and I featured heavily in the movie. I guess it's not surprising, considering the philanthropy work we doâwhich will definitely become part of Soundcrush's legacy.
The movie-makers especially focused in on Hogarcito. The entire SCIC went to Costa Rica when Laurie's new facility opened last year. But that's on the backstory to the most important thing that happened on that trip that was captured in the documentary.
There's a whole segment about Adam being the person to find a newborn left on the doorstep of the facility.
I was actually thrilled that the film-makers captured the moment that happened several days later, when Adam looked down at Mac, who had been caring for the baby boy non-stop, and said, "Shortcake, I felt it the moment I pulled him from that basket. I know you feel it, too. He's our son. Let's figure out how to bring him home."
That part of the film, and many other parts, are beautifully done. There are, however, some parts I don't like.
In the film, no one is misrepresented as wrongly as Leed. Instead of the incredibly sensitive and deep soul he is, he's portrayed like the media always plays himâas the eccentric hippie sex-on-a-stick, with a doting but somewhat shallow personality. Instead of the reality of how close we are to one another, the film makes Leed look more dedicated to his fame than me, and seems to imply that I compensate for his lack of commitment by doling out his money and my affection on the kids at Hogarcito.
Which was not even the worst of it, because maybe there is some truth to the part about me compensating by "mothering" orphans. Laurie and I are both good at that, I guess.
The parts about Leed's wavering affection I know is BS and that doesn't bother me. I've played the role of a rock star's girlfriend for long enough now to accept the manipulations of the industry.
No. What hurt was what happened when Leed was asked about the baby that his sister adopted at the film at the premier. He and I stood on the red carpet together and he raved about his new nephew, Cash. Beamed with pride at how steady Adam and Mac have been through the ups and downs of the lengthy adoption process.
The interviewer followed up by asking if we would consider an adoption like Adam and Mac are going through and Leed snapped at the man. "We're no where near ready to talk about that."
I couldn't help it. The tears came from nowhere. The cameras captured them spilling and me hastily brushing them away. Leed paled as we both stood there, frozen.
"Publicly," Leed said to me softly. Then he turned to the interviewer and repeated. "Ash and I are no where near ready to discuss our future publicly. But I feel just like Ash...seeing Mac and Adam fall in love with Cash, it brings tears. It's beautiful and we are so happy for them."
It was a great save on his part. He whisked me right off the red carpet and into a private room. "I'm sorry. God, I'm so fucking sorry, baby. That sounded so much...colder than I meant it," he murmured as I turned from him, trying to salvage my eye make-up in the mirror. "He just...caught me off guard. Pissed me off, asking about something so sensitive on such a happy night."
"It's okay," I nodded, but I couldn't escape the feeling that the only reason this is such a sensitive topic is because I want kids and he doesn't.
"It's not okay," Leed snapped again.
I blotted my eyes. "It is. We've had our annual check-in on life, right? We're happy right where we are...at least until Trace asks Kat to move in, which I expect will be any day. Then, I'll be over the moon to move in with you."
He turned me around. "Then why the tears?"
"Just PMS-ing, I guess," I give him a watery smile.
"That's bullshit. You don't PMS. Your yoga keeps you even as fuck, even then."
"Well the tiny bit of PMS I experience and the super-moon combo. I don't know, Leed. I'm fine, really. Just feeling a little off tonight."
He kissed my head and said. "You are the love of my life. We're gonna experience everything life has to offer. All in good time, yeah?"
"Yes," I agreed.
The next day, his "anti-kid" position and my tears were all anyone was talking about. Paparazzi who typically only bother me now when I'm with Leed at a function, were suddenly all over me. They followed me to work at MdM for three days. They hounded me more than Kat at her mid-year graduation ceremony. West actually had to hold Leed back from punching one who suggested I should savvy up and follow Tam's example--just get knocked up with Leed's kid on accident.
That's when Trace suddenly declared we were all getting out of LA and going to Australia for Christmas.
So here we are on the Gold Coast, living like its summer and none of us have any cares.
Actually, Trace's summer therapy has worked wonders for me. I guess I was feeling...I don't know...a little moody over the whole incident. And it's not like me to fixate on the having babies thing. Leed and I have a wonderful life. I've never been happier, and we are both still very young. We've been traveling the world for several years in Soundcrush's down time, but there's always more to see and do and there's no one I'd rather roam with than Leed.
Speaking of roaming, Leed hasn't done much of that, on this trip. He's always protective, but he's hardly left my side the whole two weeks we've been in Australia. Like now...I'm playing bartender behind the pool tiki bar, making mixed drinks for the crew and he's right next to me, chopping fruit.
I sneak a peak at him. We've been together for more than three years now, and it's still shocking to me, what a perfect creature he is. His hair falls past his shoulders again in blanket rich auburn, and he's one of those rare dark redheads that tans, his freckles blending into the gold of his skin to give him a rugged, gorgeous glow all over. He's a little more ripped than usual, because Hollywood vanity compelled all these guys to look their best for the music documentary. It's a great movie and it will give Mac and these guys the gift of immortality. They will be forever young and at the apex of their looks and careers as people watch it years from now. Legacy, indeed.
Leed sees me checking him out. "Here you go, Hotness." He hands me another plate of pineapple and mango, serving it up with a sexy smirk as his eyes rake down my bikini.
He skims down the full side tattoo of sunflowers that I got after laser treatments nearly eradicated my scars. Leed's tattoo artist designed the whole piece to expertly conceal the traces that remained. Leed loves this tattoo. It's a nightly ritual for him to trace the flowers on my skin. When he does, I can only feel the graceful lines of the flowers. I can't even feel the letters I left behind years ago.
I've left so much behind.
Shame, fear, anger, regret. Drug cravings. Headaches.
Four years ago, I was lower than I had ever expected to be at twenty one. Now, at twenty-five, my life has come full circle. It's different than I expected before my accident, but so much richer in every way.
I'm so much happier than I was as the neurotic, insecure girl who felt like she had to be perfect, who lived upon the approval of her well-meaning but too demanding parents, and her decent but slightly narcissistic boyfriend.
Now, I'm a woman who has made amends for her mistakes. I have purpose and confidence. It's been years since I questioned my worth, my discipline or my health. My life abounds with more blessings than I could ever expected.
All because a man saw something in me I couldn't see myself. Because he believed in me, encouraged me, supported me, fell in love me, and gave me the world when he taught me how to love myself.
I look down at my stomach, where Leeds knuckles are tracing the petals that wrap my hipbone and pulling at the strings on my bikini.
So many blessings. Maybe more than I even have a right to hope for. I place my hand over his, stilling his hand on my hip.
"Leedâ"
"I know. You don't like too much PDA when you are in a skimpy bathing suit, but goddamn, baby. I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you today. You're beautiful every day, but something about you right now." He traces up my arm, making me shiver as his fingers dance over the cap of my shoulder and his hand flattens on back, drawing me into a gentle hug. "You're skin is so alive. Maybe the sun is better in Australia too."
"Well, since you say such sweet things...grope away," I wink at him, taking his hand from my back and putting it on my ass. No one can really see us behind the bar anyway. He groans as he palms my ass, and I stifle a giggle as I bite into another piece of pineapple and follow it quickly with a hunk of mango.
"You're eating more of that than you are juicing, Sunshine," he laughs.
"It's soooooo goood," I moan around the mouthful. "I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this fruit. It's just...better in Australia, I think."
"Well, it's good for you. You don't eat enough protein, lately though." He pops a piece of pineapple. "Remind me to check my blood sugar later, I'm eating way too much of it, too."
"Yes, please do," Riley says as he strolls over to avail himself of one of my drinks. He tops off a glass of rum punch with fruit and points at Leed with an index finger. "No more Ontario's."
"Definitely not," I pat Leed's back as he rolls his eyes at Riley. He hates the references to the day his drinking finally caught up to him, how he misjudged and took too much insulin before a show, and how he went into low blood sugar shock in the middle of the performance and nearly fell off the stage.
That was a scary night, but thankfully I was at the show and realized what was happening. Mac and I were able to bring his blood sugar back up quickly with juice, but it left some explaining to do. The band learned about his diabetes, and Riley and Marcy convinced him to go public with the truth rather than stay silent on the rumors of a drug overdose.
The truth turned out to be much less harmful to his reputation than he had previously feared. Now, he's a poster boy for the American Diabetes Association and his branding as a hippie health advocate actually solidified. The label never asks him to make lucrative endorsements that don't fit his lifestyle anymore.
Literally, the truth set Leed free.
"You know me, Riley. I'm all about staying even since Ontario," Leed assures him as Chili crawls out of the hot tub and saunters over to the tiki bar, ducking under Riley's arm and giving him a casual LA one-armed hug.
"Hi love," he drapes an arm over her shoulder. Chili's been on board as Soundcrush's drummer since Bodie left and Strut fractured at the same time, but I'm glad to see Riley being so easy with her. He and most of the Strut girls didn't part on good terms. The reserve between he and Chili has taken a while to fade.
"Where's your wife?" Chili asks casually, looking around, shading her eyes, searching through the glass back of the house. She can clearly see Row as easily as we do.
Riley's lips twitch in irritation but he plays along. "She's just there, playing with Lennon." He gestures inside the door. Chili's making a bad joke because Row looks completely different than she used to in her Strut days. Gone is the falsely grey hair and the scary makeup. Her raven hair is pulled into a high ponytail and she's smiling at the little strawberry blond girl as they color on the coffee table. Natural was never Row's typical go-to look as part of Strut. Smiling was never Row's typical go-to expression. Children were definitely never Row's typical go-to acquaintance.
Adam is sitting beside Row, watching her color as carelessly as Lennon with her left hand. He takes her right hand in his and I see his lips moving. It's easy to spot Preacher in prayer, and I'm one hundred percent sure that's what he was doing when Row laughs at him and shakes her head. She slowly and tediously forms a weak fist with the right hand he was praying over, and she half-heartedly punches him with it. She laughs at her own wimpy punch, and pulls Lennon into her lap, snuggling her face into the little girls hair. It seems like a move I would make, maybe to hide tears.
Chili shakes her head. "It's like I don't even know her anymore." She pours herself a shot and stalks off.
Riley's eyes follow Chili as his shoulders slump a little. "It's fine that they all blame me. I know Trace still does, even though he works hard to put it behind him. What infuriates me is they were her best friends. Now they don't talk to her at all. It wasn't her fault. It was mine."
"It wasn't your fault either." Leed says. "Nobody blames you for what happened. Bodie, Bells, Row, you, Marley and her kid...wrong place, wrong time. That shit sucked but life gave Row lemons and she kicked ass, took names and she chose to find the good in the situation. With you. But Bodes...that's a whole different thing. He didn't have to choose between one thing or the other. He's creating his own limitations, punishing himself and he's hurting everybody that loves him in the process. Especially that kid."
Riley shoots Leed a sharp look, and I give a confused one. I'm assuming he means Marley's son, but...Marley and Darius have been out of Bodie's life for awhile, so I'm not sure what Leed is getting at.
"Agreed," Riley says slowly, then speeding up, like he's suddenly resolved. He knocks back the shot all at once, slamming the glass down. "Right. It's time we get Bodie sorted for good."
"Exactly. It's been...too long, man. We like Chili, but it was always supposed to be temporary. We were giving him time, but he's not using it wisely. It's time for Bodes to do what the rest of us do...balance his personal shit with our band. Because he is still a part of this band."
"You should be the first one to tell him that, Leed." Riley pours both him and Leed a shot.
Leed shoots his. "I will. At the New Year's gig in Atlanta. Make sure he's there."
"Do my best," Riley says.
Then Leed picks up the tray of drinks I've just made, preparing to pimp them out to the SCIC. He bites his lip and looks me over carefully, like he's memorizing me. "I'll be right back."
I laugh at him. He is being such a goof-ball lately. More than any of the other weird stuff, his attitude is the thing that's most freaking me out. "I'll be right here." I take a step to the right. "Or maybe right here." I take a step backward. "Or if I step here, will you be able to find me?"
He narrows his eyes at me, rakes his long hair and flips his sunglasses down. Damn he looks hot in those board shorts and open Hawaiian shirt, his demeanor tensed at me mocking him. "Shut-up, Sunshine."
"Make me." I call after him.
"Later," he retorts over his shoulder as he sails away with the tray.
Once he's gone, I lean forward over the bar, tapping Riley's phone. "Why haven't you sent me the contact I asked you for?"
He looks a bit more like the old Riley when he glints at me behind his glasses. "Because I wanted to see your face when I asked you why you wanted it."
"I told you. I have a medical question. It's nothing serious...I just want to ask someone we trust."
"So you wanting Dr. Call-Me-Kade's number has nothing to do with the fact that he's Dr. Cameron Martin's attending?"
I blink. "He is?"
"Yesssss," Riley drones. "He is. But I can tell from your reaction that you truly didn't know that."
"I didn't. Dammit." I hiss. It's probably not a good idea to ask Kade my question, then.
Riley shrugs. "I don't think it would matter. Kade's extremely professional, and he is the unofficial band doctor. He would never betray your confidence." He thumbs his phone and I feel the buzz of an incoming text.
"Thanks Riley."
"One more question. Why not ask Mac for the contact? She and Adam are good friends with him..."
"Because I don't want Mac harassing me with a million questions."
"Hmmmm..." Riley smiles at me.
"Right." He smiles tenderly at his pretty young wife who is trying to help Lennon clean up her crayons with one hand. "Do you think Row's happy? Truly?" he asks softly. "I love her more than I thought possible, but I sometimes wonder if she's just...struggling for stability, because everything changed for her. She's so very young."
"She's not the first twenty year old to marry, and actually mean it. She wasn't strung out, like me," I remind him. I was twenty, when I married Trace for all the wrong reasons but Riley and Row are different. Still, there is an eight year age gap between them. I think he often worries that she will change her mind, though they've been married for eighteen months, now.
"I didn't mean to offend you.. I wasn't even really thinking of you and Trace when I said that."
"I think she loves you very much, and it took what happened for her to be honest with herself about that. I think good things can come from bad things." I hold out my own hands in illustration.
Riley grunts in appreciation of my words.
Kat has bolted into view by the patio door, after briefly exclaiming over Row's arrival. Kat is now waving at me, clutching her giant dark sunglasses with one hand and rattling her oversized purse. Then she seems to become aware that I'm standing with the Soundcrush Spymaster. She snatches off her sunglasses, her face going rock star cool.
"Riley! Glad you guys are finally here. Listen, can I steal Ash? I need her to put sunless tanning lotion on my back. She snatches a can of mousse from her bag and jerks her head again.
Riley laughs out loud. "Right."
He breezes past Kat and takes and laces his fingers with Row's good hand, as he picks up a couple of her bags with the other. "Let's leave these two connivers to their schemes and find a room, shall we, darling?"
She shakes her head affectionately at him. "It's always been the accent, you know. If you were American, I wouldn't have shagged you twice."
I smile. Atta girl. That's the feisty Row we all know and love.
"Well that's just a crock of shite, love. You could never get enough of me, not after that first night in the pool house at the Vineyard."
"I knew it!" Kat exclaimed. "I knew you guys hooked up that night!" She turns around, like she's going to search for Trace to share the gossip but I grab her arm.
"Come on. The tanner, remember?"
"Right, right. That definitely can't wait. My booty is so pale right now," she assures Row.
"Okay," Row says blankly. The one thing she hasn't given up from her emo look is her ivory complexion. She doesn't get the all over tan obsession thing. It's best just to leave it at that.
Once we're upstairs, Kat tosses her bag down and pulls out the pregnancy test. "Have you ever taken one?"
"No. You?"
"No."
She tears open the box, reads for about ten seconds and shoves the directions at me. "You literally just pee on the stick, just like everyone says."
Now that I'm holding the damn thing, I feel my heart start to race and and flutters zing through my gut. "This is ridiculous. I shouldn't even be doing this. I can't be pregnant. I have an IUD. That's like fool-proof birth control."
"Yes, but you are so late that your period is not even late, Ashlynn. It's like...completely skipped. And now your next period is two weeks late."
"Yeah, but I hardly have a period anyway, with the IUD. I'm sure it's just...I don't know...a random thing." I put the test back in the box and shove it in her purse.
"You've been nauseous for almost two weeks now. You are having cravings."
"Maybe that's just the stress of travel, and better fruit here." I reason, pulling my hair up on top of my head in irritation.
All these things are can be reasoned away. Except the strange difficulty I have meditating lately. It's like I can't concentrate. I keep looking around the room thinking someone is there with me. It's really weird.
But let's face it, I do have brain trauma. Maybe it's just some kind of weird late emerging symptom.
Yet then there's Leed. If I don't trust my instincts, I do trust his. And the man is positively hovering over me lately. He's always been attentive but his attention is at a whole new level. And the weirdest part is...he seems completely unaware he's doing it. It's like...he can't help it. It's really freaking me out.
But I can't be pregnant. I know I can't. I have highly effective long term birth control.
"Okay. I'm like positive I'm not pregnant. I can't be. So we are just gonna call Kade and double check that I can't be. I'm not even going to take the test."
"What? No? Take the damn test. Then call Kade if it's positive."
"No," I whisper. "No."
"Why?" Kat leans closer to me, whispering back.
"Because..."
"Because why?" she hisses at me.
I cover my face with my hands. "Because if it's positive I will freak right the fuck out. But if it's negative...I'll maybe...be..."
"Sad?" she whispers.
"Yeah. So I'd rather Kade just tell me what I already know. That I can't be pregnant." I'm already pulling my phone out and dialing his number.
"Ashlynn," he answers pleasantly. "How are you?"
"I'm fine, I didn't realize you had my number..."
"Yeah, I had it from the time I wrote you that eyedrop prescription, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. Wow, that was a long time ago."
"Yeah, glad that all turned out okay. Glad your boys didn't realize where you got that prescription either, because they probably would have kicked my ass for not asking the right questions on that one..."
"Well, alls well that ends well," I say cheerfully. "Listen, question...IUD's...the pregnancy prevention rate is quoted at 99%...that justs a cover-your-ass kind of thing for the manufacturer, right? I mean, it's impossible to get pregnant with an IUD, right?"
Kade is quiet for a moment. "Well...uhmmm...no, 99% means a predictable failure rate of 1%. Think of it like this...if a hundred women in a given year are using an IUD it's predictable that 1 woman's IUD will fail and she will get pregnant."
"What? Why don't they tell you that?" I hiss.
"They do. That's what a 99% prevention rate means."
"Oh shit." I moan at Kat.
Her eyes are wild. "What's he saying?"
"He's saying one out of hundred women get pregnant with an IUD. You know how shitty my luck is. I always get caught. I always get in trouble. I never get away with anything." I whine to her.
She give me a blinding grin. "Or maybe your luck has changed. You've snagged the sexiest man alive. You have a killer job helping kids. You pretty much slayed your health problems and your drug addiction. Plus, your ass is really great now."
"That won't last for long if I'm pregnant!" I hiss. "Besides. Leed will go insane. He doesn't want to have any more kids. Certainly not biological ones, because Ollie inherited his diabetic mutation. Oh god, what if this baby has diabetes gene, too? Leed will be devastated. This is awful, truly awful."
"Ashlynn?" Kade says calmly.
"Yeah?"
"You're getting ahead of yourself, Sweetheart. You don't know you are pregnant. And even if you are, I have to tell you, there's an increased risk of spontaneous termination if the IUD is left in place."
"What are you saying? Are you saying I'll lose the baby?" Suddenly my heart is pounding hard and I feel nauseous. "Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick." I throw the phone at Kat and barely make it to the toilet before barfing up chunks of mango and pineapple.
"She hasn't had her period in ten weeks. She can't keep anything down," Kat reports conspiratorially into the phone. "And the only thing she will eat is fruit. Our mom has told us her pregnancy stories a million times. When she was pregnant with Ash, all she wanted to eat was fruit. With me, it was salt."
"Well that explains a lot," Kade says dryly.
I puke again, more vile slimy fruit hurtling free from my traitorous body.
"What are you saying Dr. Call-Me-Kade?" Kat demands. "I resent the implication that I am not just as lovely as my sister."
"Mmmm, maybe you're right. You've mellowed. A couple of years ago you would have dropped the f-bomb six times in that last sentence."
Some how I managed to stop my dry heaves.
"Some of us do grow up," she says.
"Not rock stars," Kade objects.
"No, not them," Kat agrees.
I climb to my feet and wet a cloth for my mouth. I glare at Kat in the mirror. She's scrolling my Instagram while she talks to Kade on speakerphone.
"Thanks, you've been so much help while I'm sick from fear."
She snorts. "You're not sick from fear. You're sick from Leed's baby."
"Stop saying that and...help me!" I wail, dropping to my knees again. I'm shaking now. Not really from fear of being pregnant. From the dread of how Leed will react if I am. From the fear of Kade's statistic on miscarriage.
"I'm so sorry Ashlynn. You're absolutely right, we aren't helping," Kade's voice is full of concern. "Clearly you're experiencing some typical pregnancy symptoms. You need to take a test right away."
"We have one." Kat shoves the stick under my nose. "Do it. It takes ninety seconds."
"Wait, wait, wait," Kade interjects. "Maybe you want to bring Leed in on this..."
"No!" Kat and I both shout at once.
"Leed is...sometimes...overreactive in a crisis," I say apologetically. "I don't want to freak him out for nothing."
"Okay, so well...go ahead. Kat's right, it'll just take a couple of minutes. I'll just wait on the line and then we can talk about the result."
While I'm shaking, trying to get my bikini bottoms off, the reality is starting to hit Kat, too. She is pacing the bathroom.
"Fuck. Okay. Calm down. We can do this. This is totally doable. If you're pregnant, I'll be right here with you. Fuck Leed. If he freaks, it won't matter. He'll eventually come around just like he did with Tam and Ollie and in the mean time, nobody else will freak. Not you. Not me. Not Trace. Not Mac. Not Adam. Not Riley. Not Row. Okay maybe Chili she's still kind of a wild card so who knows. Mom will definitely not freak. Gotta tell you, Dad will freak right the fuck out, but only on Leed and only if he's acting like a douche." She smiles at me. "Just pee on the stick, and Kade's gonna tell us what to do next. That's all you gotta do right now."
My heart swells for my sister, who's talking me down while I try to figure out how to pee on this damn stick.
Finally, I accomplish this tricky task and put the cap back on. Kat snatches it from me and begins to pace while I wash my hands.
Kat is waving the stick.
"Sit it down. It said to leave it flat."
"Okay, okay, sorry," Kat steps toward the vanity and then stops. She looks at me, her face expressionless as she shoves the test in my hand.
PREGNANT
One simple word.
A different world.
A baby. Leed's baby.
My skin feels hot all over and I feel...too much. Too much happiness. Too much fear.
When I don't speak, Kat takes me by the hand and leads me back to the bed. She puts a blanket around me, like she thinks I'm in shock or something.
"It's positive," she tells Kade.
"Wow. I know this is a really big surprise. Ashlynn, are you with me?"
"Yes," I murmur. "Am I going to miscarry because of the IUD?"
"No, not necessarily. There's a slightly increased chance that the pregnancy is ectopic. You know what that is, right?"
"Yes. That's not a viable pregnancy."
"That's right. Are you having any side pain? Like on the left or right side?"
"No."
"That's good. The first thing you need to do is call you doctor right away, and see when they can get you in for an ultrasound. If the pregnancy is not ectopic but a normal uterine pregnancy, and if the IUD is not near the implantation sight, it can be removed like normal and you should be okay. I mean, obviously...if you want to continue the pregnancy. If you don't, the IUD will still need to be removed before you terminate."
"Okay, okay," Kat says. "I'm going to go get Leed, and we will tell him we have to go home. You're not going to do this here, with all of SCIC in the house."
I'm not sure what I'm feeling rationally. I can only focus on that feeling I've been having when I meditate. That sense of not being able to center myself...like something stronger than my need is pulling at my core. It feels real now.
Oh god, of course it feels real. Leed is the most gorgeous, sensitive, natural spirit I've ever met. This baby is like him. This baby is a tiny little bundle of not much more than a beating heart but its spirit has already swirled into being like a windstorm inside me, knocking me off balance. There's no telling when or where I will land.
Leed's baby is bound to be an adventure.
I suddenly realize I'm smiling. I cover my face, because maybe I shouldn't be. Can I be happy about this baby, if Leed might not be?
It's very confusing.
"Ashlynn, did you hear me? I'm going to go get Leed, okay?"
I grab her hand. "No. No. Not yet. Not until I know if this pregnancy is even viable. I don't want to upset him for no reason."
"Ashlynn, as your friend, I have to tell you, you should really tell Leed what's going on. He has a right to know, and he's crazy about you. I'm sure you can work this out together."
"Yeah, what he said," Kat is looking at me with concerned eyes.
"I appreciate the advice, but...I just a need a little time and a little more information. As a doctor and as my sister, you two are not going to tell him, right?"
"No, of course I won't tell him," Kade says, but his voice is troubled.
"You know I won't," Kat sighs.
"Ashlynn, please don't delay seeing a doctor."
"I won't. I'll see one as soon as we get home. We'll leave in the morning."
"Okay. Call me if you need anything. And...congratulations. I really hope everything works out like you want."
"Thank you, Kade."
Seconds later, I'm gripping Kat by the shoulders. "This is what I need you to do. Go downstairs. Tell Trace you and I have to go home. Tell him...mom is sick. I'll call her now. I'll explain everything to her, okay? She'll lecture me, I'm sure, but she'll be able to call around and find me an appointment in Atlanta quickly."
My mom cries when I tell her. Happy tears. I try to warn her that this might not be as happy an event as she's assuming.
"Oh nonsense, dear. Everything is going to be just fine. Angela Simmons had the exact same thing happenâyears agoâand her baby was born just fine. And Leed? I can't believe you are even worried about his reaction. He loves Ollie so much. You think he won't love this child?"
"Mom, he's told me plainly he doesn't want to father any more children because Ollie inherited his diabetes. We've barely talked about a family through adoption...one day...in the vague future. This is the second time he's had a partner whose birth control failed. No, I don't think his reaction is going to be very positive."
"Well he might be a little overwhelmed at first, but he'll come around. He loves you so much, Ash. He will see...this is not your fault. This is...the outcome of love. That's all. It will be alright, Sweetheart. And if for some reason, I'm wrong. Leed reacts poorly, you are not alone. Your father and I will be right there with you. We will help you. You are loved, no matter how you choose to go forward."
This? This might be the most supportive thing my mom has ever said to me. So many times over the years I found her...hard to please. She was always the epitome of grace and appropriateness. I always felt like I had to be perfect for her.
I knew she would be gracious in offering her help, but I honestly thought she would be disappointed to hear about an unplanned pregnancy with my rock star boyfriendâwhom I know she likes, but not as well as Dr. Cameron Martin.
This? Her unconditional support? It's almost more overwhelming than the pregnancy.
I'm crying on the bed when Leed comes in and rushes to me. "Shit, baby. Kat just told me about your mom. I knew something was off. I've been feeling it for days. Ever since the premiere. This...dread."
That's when I really start to bawl. Leed, always easily agitated by my distress, curses while I cry.