Leed
God, I'm an asshole.
I'm roaring at this woman that I love. The bigger part of me wants only to hold her, protect her, keep her safe, but the denser part of me is so furious that she's putting herself at risk.
And fucking lying to me.
What even is this, that I'm doing with her?
I could have lied to her so many times. I could let her think marriage and more babies is an eventual given, instead of a big pit of uncertainty. I could let her think Ollie and co-parenting with Tam is just an insignificant side-project. I could have kept my diabetes from her like I keep it from everyone else.
I've given her my heart and soul. I've bared it allâespecially all the really hard shit that makes me scared she might decide I'm not worth all the challenges that come with loving me.
I've been honest as fuck.
And she lies to me, when her fucking life could be on the line.
Why did I throw that hundred dollar bottle of tequila? I really need it now.
Thinking of how bad I'm feeling, and how needy I am for a fix to calm my feelings, that flips my switch. If there is anybody on this plane desperate for a little chemical help right now, it's Ashlynn.
My heart deflates as I check her over, like I've done thousands of times since that day months ago when Cam jacked her nerves up and she asked me for weed.
She sat down calmly when I commanded, but that's probably the submissive part of her nature that I don't relish ruling. Her face is pale when it should be red with emotion, and she's destroying her nails.
The nails. That self-destructive habit of ripping off her nailsâit's my always my biggest clue that she's jonesin'.
Fuck. I did that.
I stride over to the bar cart. I find what I'm looking for in the back of the left drawer. I strike the top of the cigarette pack against my hand. You don't really need to pack cigarettes, but the motion is comforting, just like I know the cigarette will be for Ashlynn.
I light two at once and offer her one.
"You can't smoke on an airplane," she says dully, not looking at me.
Sweet Jesus. This girl and her rules. It hurts my heart to think about how desperate she must have been when she turned to a psychopath to rule her world.
"This is a private jet. If they stock cigarettes in the bar cart, you can smoke them, Sunshine."
Her eyes jerk to mine, like she's surprised I would call her by her nickname right now. "Yes, you're still my Sunshine," I sigh. "I'm pissed, but only because I love you so fucking much," I assure her. "And anyways, I'm trying to calm the fuck down," I gesture to her with the two cigarettes and shove one between my lips.
I hold the other to her, and she takes it, drawing greedily, exhaling slowly.
I pace, but she sits as we smoke. Finally, she lights a second one, and she speaks.
"I don't think Varrick is a killer."
I turn to look at her. She's sitting on the edge of her seat, legs crossed, cigarette poised, staring into space. She's not meeting my eyes, her chest is not flushed, and she's using contractions. I honestly can't tell if she's lying.
"The evidence suggests otherwise," I say bitterly.
"Not really. Just your feelings," She takes a long draw. "The truth is he may have been her boyfriend, but police nor her mother nor you nor I have any idea if he had anything to do with Megan Davis' disappearance. What I do know is, I've spent a lot of time with Varrick and I've never seen anything that made me think he was a killer."
I want to disagree by yanking up her shirt and pointing out that the pyscho carved her up like a cadaver, but I'm trying to fade my harsh.
She's still talkng, "And the picture of Megan that I've seen before, it wasn't his possession. Not his trophy."
"What? Where did you see her picture?"
"I've been in a lot of playrooms, Leed. I told you, he would lend me out like a library book. I saw her picture...elsewhere."
I stand with arms crossed and lungs burning, waiting for her to explain further. She doesn't. She frowns at the cigarette, stubs it out, and reaches for a water. She sipsâcool as fuckâlike we aren't in the middle of the shit right now.
"Ashlynn."
She looks at me with blue eyes hardened. Her gaze pricks me. I've seen her walls-up gaze before, but never directed at me. That's the look she mostly reserved for Trace while they were married. "What?"
I spread my arms, incredulous at her attitude. "You're asking me what? Hell no. I'm asking you what. You're giving me nothing here."
Her eyes flash and she leans forward and swoops her phone up, thumbing furiously. "You want something? I'll give you something." She thrusts the phone in my face, just like I had shoved the picture of Megan's in hers.
There's a video playing on her phone. It takes me a moment to understand what I'm seeing is real. Ashlynn naked, in stocks, being whipped with a cane by a man wearing unbuckled jeans and a mask. She's moaning and crying around a bite gag, and it's not lost on me that she can't safeword like that. When a naked man comes into the pictureâAshlynn looks up at him with streaked mascara, crying as he takes her gag off, and he keeps her jaw forced open as the masked man moves closer behind her, and I know what's coming nextâ
I lose my shit all over again.
"Fuck!" I snatch the phone, crack the screen with my hand and hurl it against the cabin wall. "Goddammit, Ashlynn!!! You think I want to see that shit?!?!"
She pushes into my face, surprisingly agressive. "You fuck with Varrick and you will never stop seeing it! The whole world is going to see that, okay? Dozens of video's like that. Worse than that! More men, more violence, and even me getting shot up as my reward for not safewording. They are truly horrible, Leed. I'll never get away from them. You will never away from them."
The paintings were bad. Video is worse. Now that I have a real-time visual of what Ashlynn has been through, I feel crazed, and trapped in this damn plane, and the only freedom is in the stream of words. Fury and fear are forcing me down a river of roiling, angry accusations.
"So you are willing to let him get away with murder, because you're afraid to look like a kinky porn star? Got news, baby. You did that shit, so maybe you have to own it. I know your head was fucked up, but you kept going back to itâand you could have come to Trace or me long before there were dozens of damn videos of you taking it two ways."
Shock and pain flash across her features, and I feel filthy and evil, like I slapped her.
Fuck! I don't even know why I'm saying mean shit like that. The last thing I ever want is for her to feel shame. But I'm so fucking pissed off at herâbecause she's still submitting to him.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm really sorry, okay? That was a harsh thing to say." I take a step toward her, and she takes a step back.
Her eyes are ice. She makes a small shrug with pouted. "No, what you said before...it's fair. It's true."
"No, I really am sorry I said that. You probably haven't done anything sexual that I haven't participated in myself, okay? I've done it all, without the whips and chains added in. I'm not judging you. It's that I can't stand to see you, crying, in pain, hating every second of what's being done to you..."
"I did hate it. It wasn't me. It was a desperate drug addict that submitted, not me. I want to be free of all that. Free to be the real me. For you."
I put out my hands, but she makes no move towards me. She stands tense, ready to flee to the bedroom compartment. I run a hand over my face and try to calm my voice. "Listen to me, Ashlynn. You are never going to be free of him, if you let him hold those videos over you."
She presses her graceful hands together in front of her mouth like a prayer, and then she pulls them apart quickly, fists balls of frustration. "No. You listen to me, okay? This is not about me. This is about you. It's bad enough you've been digging around in my past. But if he gets wind that you are raising questions about his involvement in Megan Davis's disappearance? He will disappear you. He's that powerful."
I lace my hands at the back of my head, shaking it in scorn and confusion as to why she thinks this small-time entrepreneur is so powerful. I guess because he owned her. "You're wrong, baby. Varrick Von is a sick fuck, but he's a bit player. He can't touch me."
Blonde hair flies as she shakes her head. "It's notâ" She claps a hand over her mouth.
We stare at each other for a long moment. There's a wave of energy that rolls to me from her charged gaze and I feel my third eye stinging. I rub my head. What am I not seeing here?"
"It's not what?" I probe more gently. "Help me understand."
The hands slide from her mouth to her eyes. She shuts me out, keeping her face covered as she speaks. "It's not that simple. It's not a slugging match, Leed. You can't win just because you pack the rock star punch. Don't you see, that's what makes so much more vulnerable. What happens to your rep when I'm splashed all over the internet? At best, you are the Front Man who is dating a drug whore BDSM porn star. You know it won't stop there, though. The gossip bloggers will paint you into the lifestyle and crucify you as a Dom. It doesn't matter what you sing, or what you say, your new brand will be kink. How will that play at the label?"
I twist my fingers in my hair. Ashlynn is very smart and every she has said is right on, but I don't give a fuck about all that. I just want her safe and she can't be safe if Varrick Von is skipping around scott-free.
"Ashlynn, what the hell do you expect me to do, here? Just be cool with the fact that Varrick Von probably killed a girl, and thank fuck that he managed to stop at carving you up and not stabbing you to death?"
She comes to me then, hands shaking as she places them on my chest, tears streaming down her face. "Please, baby, I'm begging you, okay? Please, just...let it go. Call off whatever search you are making into my past. If he ever thinks you know who is, he will ruin your career, to punish me for breaking my silence. That's all he wanted, at the Vision Party, I swear to you. He just wanted my silence and I gave it. Just let me...keep it, okay?"
Her anguish is breaking my heart, but I can't see it her way. "Ashlynn, this isn't you talking right now. This is your fear. You are the best person I know. A girl is dead, and we are in a better position than her mother to find out the truth about it. We have to do...something."
She pounds on my chest with her fists as her face crumples. "I can't help Megan Davis!!! She's dead, okay? But I can save you. I won't let him hurt you because of me."
She's making me crazy. She's asking the one thing I can't do. I embrace her tightly.
"Ashlynn, I can't not act. You can't not act. He's the head of the fucking security personnel that are supposed to be keeping you safeâfrom him. You are not safe and this crazy bullshit is done, baby. You have to go to the police and show your scars and file an assault report."
She bows her head, refusing to look at me, even though I'm holding her tight against my chest. "I can't do that."
"You can. What he did to you with that knife is first degree assault at the least, maybe even a DA would see it like attempted murder if the question of Megan Davis is in the mix. Either way, you are within the statute of limitationsâRiley checked with lawyers. Your scars, your report, Dev's corroboration, there's no way they won't investigate and find more evidence and witnesses. You said it happened at a fucking house party, Ashlynn. You have the power here. He'll go to jail for what he did to you."
She shakes her head again. "You're wrong. I have no power. His father is a German Ambassador, Leed. He has diplomatic immunity. He'll never go to jail. At best, he'll just get deported and then he'll ruin my life and ruin your career from a distance."
I blink. I hadn't thought of that, but Laurie did say he was a diplomat's son. I think back to the other things she said. "No, baby. I don't think that's right. Not if what Laurie said is true. She said he became a US citizen. He can't claim diplomatic immunity if he did. He's subject to prosecution just like every other citizen."
Ashlynn's eyes snap to mine, widening, and again, I feel that wave of weird energy, and my third eye burning, like it's begging me to open up my brain and see what's right in front of me.
The burning lasts as long as her wide-eyed lookâonly seconds. She pushes away from my chest.
"Okay Leed, you're a super smart guy and you have an answer for everything but it's still not as simple as you make it sound. If I filed a report, if he's a US citizen, if the police charge him, if the DA thinks he has enough evidence, he'll still make bond to await trial. He'll have months to leak the videos and to destroy your careerâ"
"âif somehow the police don't manage to find and confiscate the videos as evidence he would destroy them...because they show him for the suck fuck he isâ"
She whirls away from me, grabbing her head, yelling, "Oh my god, Leed! Just stop! Fucking stop!"
I follow her down the aisle of the cabin, pushing back the tiny bedroom door she tries to slam in my face. "No," I growl, catching her hand and twirling her around. "I won't ever stop loving you. Protecting you is just part of the fucking deal and so I won't ever stop that either. You will go to the police Ashlynn. I mean it."
She snatches her hand back and pushes me away. Her eyes are icy and her voice is full of venom when she says, "Or what, Leed?"
Goddamn, why is she being so stubborn? This is insanity!
"There is no what," I growl. "We're going straight to the police station."
"You can't force me, Leed."
I don't answer her. Instead, I reach for the phone on the cabin wall. When the stewardess answers, I ask very politely if the captain can change our flight plan to Seattle. That's where the attack happened, so that's where she should file the complaint against Varrick Von. After a consultation, the attendant tells me we are already in descent for LAX but if we will be willing to briefly disembark so the jet can be hangared for a minor maintenance service, the Captain will file a new flight plan and have us in Seattle in three hours. I thank her, and hang up.
"We're going to Seattle. You should spend some time thinking about what happened that night, so you can give a thorough account."
"This is stupid!" she yells, pushing me. "I'm not doing this! I told you, Leed. I'm not yours to command."
"You sure as shit wanted to be the night of Vision Party," I mutter, crossing my arms and leaning against the door, blocking her in to the tiny room. "But I'm not commanding you. I'm loving you, the best way I know how. Right now, that means using the next three hours to convince you to do the right thing."
She goes still at my words, and her eyes are nearly crystal with a look of resentment as she lies down on the bed and stares at the cabin ceiling. "You can say whatever you want, but I'm not arguing with you anymore."
I lie down beside her on the bed, not touching her, looking at the ceiling too, thinking what a difference from two weeks ago. I made love to her in this bed and it felt like I saw the lumination of her open soul. Now, she's a dark fortress and I can't breach her walls with reason.
I say the same things over and over and she stonewalls me with silence.
I guess I should have realized what she was planning, then. But I'm so wrapped up in her, and I was so sure she feels the same ties, it honestly never occurred to me. I was sure we would come to terms, find a way to get through this mess together.
But she blindsids me.
After customs, we stop at a kiosk to get her a new phone, since I cracked hers, and while I am paying for it and the guy is transferring her number, she simply edges away. One second she is here, but I turn to speak to her, she is gone. I search the airport for her for nearly an hour, my instincts swinging wildly. One minute I'm sure she intentionally walked away, the next I'm frantic from the fear that Varrick Von had her snatched and just like Megan Davis, she will never be seen again. I can't even text her or call herâher brand new phone is still in a bag in my hand.
Just as I am about to involve airport security and Riley, I get an unknown call. I answer it hastily, hoping it's a burner phone she's boughtânot even angryâjust desperate to know that she's okay.
"Ashlynn? Baby, where the hell are you?"
Her voice is wavering with emotion but she still manages her preplanned speech.
"I'm still in the airport. I bought two tickets, Leed. Both flights are boarding. Call off your private investigators and promise you won't confront Von, and I will go home to Atlanta to take care of Cam. It will be good for us to take a breather, and try to calmly think of a better way to deal with this situation than blowing up your career. But if you keep on with your commandments about going to the police, then I board the other plane, destination unknown. Leed, I won't come back. If I'm not your girlfriend, there's no connection for Varrick to use to hurt you."
I feel her resolve like a kick to the balls. She promised me she wouldn't run from me like she ran from Trace, no matter how tough things got. Another promise broken.
"I don't deal well with ultimatums, baby," I growl.
"I'm done dealing at all with men who think they can subvert my will when I don't choose to give it."
"That is not what I am trying to do and you damn well know it."
"It's exactly what you are trying to do. You think you know what's best for me and you are trying to bend me to your will and calling it love."
"I love you, you fucking know I do, and you love me, too. Baby, don't do this..."
"I'm not doing anything, yet. I'm giving you a choice to be reasonable or to be rash," Ashlynn says.
There's no choice I want to make that doesn't have Ashlynn by my side at all times, but as I stand there, wanting to put my fist through a wall, a calm realization descends over me and my priorities shift from fear to love.
My third eye is fully opened up, now. I'm seeing what I was missing.
Ashlynn and I are beautiful, but we are a beautiful disaster. It was just like I knew it would be...me pushing her up against the glass of the horror-show-former-life she is trying so hard to forget. I thought I would fuck up with clubs and drugs and fangirlsâbut my love for her simply faded all that.
When I fell in love with her, I had no idea that her former life came with a need for her to stay anonymous, to live without the fear of exposure. I had no idea her old life kept her bound in a way that I can resolve only by cutting ties.
So that's what I have to do right now. Set her free, with a gentle push in the right direction. Toward the safest option for her. The best option for her.
I take a deep breath and roll my head. I need this to be a convincing performance.
"Since you like delivering ultimatums, here's one for you." I coat my voice with bitterness and make my words sting. "Option one: you come back to me now and we go to the police station. Option Two: You run where you think I can't find you, and I will track you down just like Trace always used to and win you back. After I have dealt with Von my way. But be very clear, Ashlynn, those are your only options that end with me and you, cause we are in the shit right now, and if get on that plane to go cry in your ex-lover's arms...baby...you can fucking stay there."
She's quiet for so long that I nearly pass out holding my breath. She's crying, but I can't breathe, because if I do, I'll be sobbing too. Finally she says, "Good-bye, Leed," and ends the call.
I slump down against a random wall. I'm no longer holding my breath, but it's funny how I still can't breathe.