Ashlynn
My heart is hammering hard and I have that urgent need to flee.
I can't. Leed has a death grip on my hand.
"Don't run,Sunshine," he warns. "You know you want this as much as I do. We've been round and round about this. This is right. This is us. Two words is all you have to say."
I return Leed's squeeze and look into his eyes. His gaze is so focused, so sure. I'm scared, but maybe it's okay to be scared by his side.
Ten days ago, what we are about to do wasn't even on our radar. But it feels like we've lived a lifetime together in Costa Rica. We touched down, hopped in our rental Jeep, and got lost. Lost in the beauty of this Edenâand lost in each other.
Now, we are standing in front of a man, who's smiling benevolently. A man who holds our future in his hands.
"Ashlynn." Leed's voice is hard to hear above the thundering in my ears, but I can see my name on his lips and my brain fills in the rest. How many times in the last ten days have I heard him whisper my name in the heights of a tree houseâ our skin slick with sweat, our souls touching and the tree frogs supplying a soundtrack to our passion?
Enough to know how powerful our love is. Enough to know we can do anything, with this kind of love.
Still. I'm freaking out.
"This is crazy," I protest. "We can't do this."
"We can so fucking do this," he says emphatically, squeezing my hand. "Listen to me. Do you know what I've realized in the last ten days? Life is short. It's up to us to make it beautiful. This right here? It's a big fucking leap of faith. But we were meant for this. Take the plunge with me, Sunshine." He gives me the twitching smile he knows I can't resist, and presses his forehead to mine.
Oh hell. I'm a fool for this man.
I take a deep breath and say, "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yes. Okay."
"Two words, baby. Tell the man. He has to hear them."
I turn to the canyoneering tour guide in a wet blue windbreaker. "I'm ready."
His nod is pure encouragement as he double-checks my harness and the carabiners securing my rapelling rope. "Very good. You have to walk backwards. Five steps. Then you jump, just like we practiced. "
I wade out into the middle of the knee deep river nod and lean back on my rappelling rope. Leed has let go of my hand, and he's working his way to the edge of the waterfall with me.
"Together?" I yell above the roar of the waterfall.
His eyes do something...weird. Something so beautiful, my heart stops hammering and clenches.
"Always!" he yells and reaches out to brush my fingertips. "Jump, Sunshine!"
"Oh hell!!!" I yell. He grins, rips off his mandated helmet, shakes his sweat drenched head, and jumps off from the waterfall ledge with amazing force, flying into his fate, looking like perfection as the river's spray sharpens his victorious expression.
If Leed is going over the edge, I'm going with him. Too scared shitless for words, I somehow make my quads work, collapsing and squeezing and ejecting and following Leed into the void.
I'm fighting for breath as the waterfall pounds me, but I've never felt more alive. I hit home on the cliff face and my leg muscles jettison me automatically. I'm screaming, my head swiveling as I take in everything. The feeling of euphoric weightlessness, the joy of scattered sunlight through the forest canopy, the invigorating pummeling of the waterfall, the thunderous sound...and the view of Leed over my shoulder, in free fall.
He calls me his Sun, but he is the Universe that gives me order.
I close my eyes, feeling...alive. More alive than I have ever felt, as my legs catch me and I'm pushing into space again. I force my eyes open, memorizing the last free fallâthe sun and the trees and the spray.
And then I'm feeling Leed as he braces my fall.
Abandon.
That's the wordâthe only wordâin my mind as he catches me.
No restraint in his catch. No self-control in his safety. He's determined to get his hands on me now.
We stagger in the pool as he struggles with my helmet and carabiners and nylon ropes. Then I am free to be his.
Free and wild as the thousands of gallons of water that wash us.
His kiss is like a new life.
So long, I've searched.
So long, I've struggled.
There's no struggle now.
We are winning without effort, our connection so strong it keeps us upright and stable in the midst of a serious river current.
The recovery guides at the bottom are hovering around us, but chill enough to leave us to our romantic moment.
"That was fucking awesome!" Leed yells, and I laugh against his triumphant kiss.
"Incredible," I confirm.
His grip controls my head, his murmur against my ear. "Every fucking awesome thing I do from now on, I want to share with you. It's fucking scary how much love I'm feeling right now."
I wrap myself around his broad shoulders. In the flat-footed necessity of the sandy river bottom, I find myself pressing my temple to his jaw, tilting up to cast my words toward his ear. "Same. It's scary to think of losing this."
His embrace only tightens. "We'll never lose this. This place is part of us now and we are a part of it."
I stay still and safe in his arms, getting sprayed by the waterfall. Those are gorgeous words, but I'm less optimistic than Leed about keeping the joy going. This can't last, but for the last few days, I've been pretending that it can. I've been ignoring the fact that we ever have to leave.
Just like I've been ignoring the texts coming from an unknown number.
We make our way back to the canyoneering lodge, and I retrieve my things from the locker and change so fast I'm done before Leed. I rest on the porch overlooking the waterfall, waiting for Leed and our catered lunch to arrive, and ignoring the rising situation becomes harder as I receive another anonymous text.
This time there is a video attached. I only have to watch a few seconds for my appetite to completely sour. I turn it off quickly. A text followsâand eight digit phone number. Leed's. Then another text.
Shall I send him the video?
I haven't replied to any of the other texts, but there was no threat implied in them, only a request that I meet the sender. I deleted them all and blocked the numbers, but he keeps using a different burner.
Leed is at the bar, joking with bartender who is making us fresh juice and I feel my stomach lurching in distress. Of course I don't want him to see the video of me in full bondage,being debased, being disciplined. Of course I know he would still love me, but it would hurt him. It would enrage him. I don't think he would rest until he discovered the identity of my Dom, after seeing him beat me with a cane until I safeword.
I don't want to ruin this trip, but even more than that, I can't ruin Leed's life.
I feel like I'm going over the edge of the waterfall again when I text back.
Who is this?
The reply is automatic.
You know who this is.
Your old friend.
Your only ally.
My friend, my ally, he says. I used to think he was, but now I'm not sure what his true part was in the the mess we were embroiled in. While it's true he never participated in a scene, how many times did "my friend" stand by and watch? Then again, how many times did he provide the aftercare my psychopath Dom couldn't be bothered with? How many times did he tell me that my discipline was really abuse? How many times did he encourage me to run but then turn around and betray me, because he was just as scared of him as I was? How many times did "my ally" stalk me, backing me in a corner until I agreed to return to him in desperation? Was he trying to help me but afraid just like I was? Or was he only messing with my head on behalf of my Dom--another way to punish me?
After over a year of therapy, I still don't know.
Me: What do you want?
Him: We need to talk.
Me: There's nothing to say.
Him: Not true. There's a problem.
Me: What problem?
Him: One that will keep, for the moment. But not forever.
He tells me he expects me to meet with him within two days of arriving home from Costa Rica. I find myself automatically looking around me, the old feeling of being watched returning. Then I realize, he doesn't have to stalk me in person anymore.
I imagine Varrick Von of Sentinel Security is fully aware of where his clients are at all times, even when they don't take their security personnel with them. Nothing has changed. He still has power over me and he's still using his flunkie to exert it.
Fine, I'll text you when we get home. I hastily save the contact as the first thing that pops to mind...Gene Smith... and delete the thread.
Leed is slinking toward the table with two tall glasses of tropical juice. He's gorgeous and kind and powerful and damn near perfect and sometimes I still can't believe he wants me. Every minute here with Leed is like a dream.It's a dream that we have for only four more days. I intend to do everything I can to keep time stopped for us here, in this place.
I smile brightly, pushing away the old dread and "Gene Smith" and focusing on his relaxed and tan form.
He's plucked a vibrant orange orchid from somewhere, as he tucks it behind my left ear he hesitates, looking down at me curiously. "You okay?"
I take the juice with one hand and lace my fingers in his as he sits beside me. I smile at him, kissing his cheek. "Perfect, now."
It's not a lie, exactly. I feel like our love is perfect, and the only way to keep it perfect is to not let my past hurt Leed.
ââââââ
Two days later, we are in a small town on the West Coast, roaming the market, looking for a lunch spot. We have been slowly making a circuit of Costa Rica and tonight we will eventually make our way back to San Jose to chill their for a couple of days before our departure.
The whole trip has been like this...wandering, anchored by a few preplanned activities along the route, recreating at the amazing lodging Leed booked along the wayâall beautiful treehouse retreats. We've woken up overlooking the beach, the rainforest, waterfalls, a coffee plantation, and we even stayed a a night with some indigenous Costa Ricans. Their tribe uses the tourism experience for income. Leed had a blast singing with them in a drum circle. I had a fun too, but I did more dancing and playing with the kids than singing.
Not only have I rappelled down a waterfall, I've learned to surf. I had no idea that Leed surfed, or that he could teach me so easily. He's the kind of guy that masters physical things easily and his confidence and cool cat instruction made the experience fun for me. I loved it, I think maybe I'd like to surf even when we get back to the States.
We've done so many amazing things on this trip. We've hiked the rainforest and Jeeped over mountains and bathed in volcanic hot springs and sunbathed on beautiful beaches. I even wore a bikini and felt totally comfortable because the beach was private. We've done yoga in our treehouses and also taken several classes at yoga retreats. We've eaten amazingly fresh and wonderful food at some of the most romantic and picturesque restaurants I've ever been in. We've shopped in markets and bought local clothes and jewelry.
Best of all, Leed hasn't been recognized once. No fans, no paparazzi.
Here, he isn't boxed in by his fame. He's just a guy, and I'm just a girl. Our love is simple and I don't have to share him with anyone. It's been the sweetest two weeks of my life.
I've just finished buying some exotic fruit and some nuts, and Leed is speaking in broken Spanish, asking the fruit vendor about the restaurant across the street, and the friendlyguy is assuring him it's "bueno," when life throws me a curve.
I feel a sharp tug at my back and find myself stumbling backwards into the streetâand into a new kind of peril.