This is the radio edit--the censored version love scene. If you want the album cut--the explicit version, it can be found in the separate work: Soundcrush Explicit, under the same chapter label...
....and apologies to my readers. I usually try to post the Explicit and Radio Edit versions simultaneously, but I accidentally didn't publish the radio edit draft and just now realized.
Ashlynn
"What are you going to do to me?" I smile up at Leed, who is using the end of my long braid to tickle my nose, trying to coax me from near-sleep.
"I'm going to take care of you, baby."
I reach up and touch Leed's gorgeous face. He leans into my hand, rubbing his stubble against my palm. Butterflies arise. I've touched him everywhere tonight and I should be used to the thrill, but I don't think I'm ever going to get over it.
How is it that this gorgeous man wants me like this? How can he look at me like I'm so...precious to him? How can he set aside all the ugly imaginings he must have about my past two years?
I guess because he doesn't have ugly imaginings. He just doesn't think about it, or doesn't care about the things he knows I've done.
It's a gift...the freedom he gives me from my past.
When I was working on him, I didn't worry that he would wonder how I learned to pleasure a man like that. The truth is...my sex skills were a facade made from desperation. I look like the kind of girl that would be good in bed. So I became that, to attract men with means. Men with drugs. It wasn't me. It was never me.
Until tonight.
That was meâall of meâpleasuring Leed. He freed me, so I can become that with him.
And now he's asking me to walk farther into freedom.
But the slash marks on my right side will drag us back into the past.
My hand goes unconsciously to my top, pulling it down.
"I promise, I won't pull your top up," he says. "But I shouldn't have bothered to put your rings back on, because your hands is where I want to start." He sits up, completely comfortable in his nudity. He holds out a hand to me. "You can say no, Ashlynn. We can sleep. Or you can let me take good care of you. Or I can give you a massage and you can tell me to stop at any time. You can always say no to me. I only want what you want to give, baby. I swear."
I close my eyes. I know what he thinks. I know why he's so careful. I should tell him the truth. It would relieve some of his worries. I never want to make him worry.
I don't put my hand in his, but I use mine to tip his up and lace our fingers. "Leed...I need to tell you something, okay?"
He swallows heavily. A look like dread comes into his eyes, but nothing in his face tenses. "You can tell me anything, baby."
"My...anxieties about sex...I...wasn't raped, if that's what you are thinking."
He nods slowly. "I wasn't sure, but the thought had crossed my mind. I'm glad that you never had to suffer that. But rape is not the only kind of hurt a woman can suffer at the hands of a man. Mac wasn't raped, but she was definitely assaulted. She carries that. She'll carry it forever."
"I know..." I whisper. "I just wanted you to know...it's not sex...or being touched...that I'm afraid of."
He nods. He's slowly sliding my rings back off my hand. "But you are afraid? Of men?"
I bite my lip. "Not afraid. Not of you. I'm just...not ready to show you my scars, because there are things I'm not ready to tell you tonight."
"I've already promised you not to uncover your scars. So...you have to decide whether or not you trust that promise."
We stare at each other. He's right. It's pretty simple. It's a matter of trust, and my heart is so full for this man, I decide to just...take the leap.
"I do trust you," I squeeze his hand. "There's one other thing, though."
He's turning my hand upside down, making it a cup shape, pouring a little pool of oil in it. "What's that?"
"If I don't...I mean...if I can't...get there...please...just...don't take it personally, okay? You are so sexy and wonderful, and it has nothing to do with how attracted I am to you...I just...don't..."
He starts massaging my palm with his thumbs, and I trail off, distracted by the wonderful sensation. After a long moment, he says, "Can I ask you a really personal question?"
I scrunch my eyes closed. I know what he's going to ask me. "Yes," I whisper. "The answer is yes. I masturbate. But that's different."
He chuckles. "It is. It's not nearly as good as this is going to be. I only wanted to make sure you do have experience having orgasms."
My face is flaming. "Yes. But I just...can't let go...with a man."
"Okay, so let's make an agreement," he says mildly. "If I can't make you come tonight, I won't take it personally. But you have to agree not to be embarrassed if you come apart wildly beneath my touch. Because I just came in your hands, and you weren't the least bit bothered by that. In fact," his voice lowers to almost a whisper. "I think it really turned you on, didn't it?"
"Yes. I loved making you come," I whisper. "It made me feel...desirable...sexy. Powerful."
"You are all those things, Ashlynn. But you are more. I crave your presence. Your beauty is soul-deep. And I don't think you have any idea what I'm really feeling for you. You are not just beautiful arm candy. You could never be that to me. You have a power to move me like...you're Aphrodite and I'm just a poor mortal bastard at your feet. And the craziest fucking part is...I don't even mind, because I trust you with my fate."
When he says that, it's very hard to believe. Leed Lawson could have any woman he wants. He could have an angel. He could have a devil. Why he wants a girl who is so confused about which one she is, I can't understand. But he sounds very convincing. "Can you say that again tomorrow? And maybe the next day? I'm not sure how long it will take for that to really sink in."
He chuckles sexily. "I'll keep saying it until you believe it, if you will try to enjoy tonight."
I'm already enjoying tonight. His hand massage is heaven. And this intimate, slow talk is turning me on in way I have rarely felt. "Deal."
"Good," he growls.
The man is into delayed gratification, I'll give him that. He massages my left hand for ten minutes, then moves onto my right. He takes those rings off with his lips, and that's just the beginning of the wonderful ways he touches me.
He has me sit up. He undoes my french braid as he kisses my neck. Then he puts a blanket in his lap and coaxes me to lay across him as he massages my scalp with oil. I whisper how good it feels to him and he just murmurs back, "Only the beginning, baby."
He massages my back the same way...with me strewn across his lap. His touch is warm and gentle, but firm.
I feel like I'm clay and he's making me into something beautiful.
He turns me face up and cradles me, breaking the massage in favor of a make-out session. Our kisses are slippery and feverish and when he finally releases me and I can tell he's hard again. I relax beneath his touch as he works on a shoulder. I imagine myself turning just slightly, pealing away the blanket and taking him in my mouth. I could do that...I'm good at that, too.
But maybe in just a minute, because he's working lower down my chest and any minute he's going to massage my boobs and play with my nipples, I know it...
Except he doesn't. He smooths around them, down my sides and goes to work massaging my hips for a little bit. He gently slides me off his lap and drizzles oil on my thighs, kneading and squeezing them. I'm so relaxed, he moves them like they are noodles and before I know it, my legs are spread wide before him and he's massaging my inner thighs. I reach down and adjust my boy shorts. He smiles darkly as I touch myself lightly, but he says nothing, and he continues methodically working my thighs.
Any minute now, I'm sure. I'm not tense about it, I'm just...ready for him to try...
Except he doesn't. He works all the way down my leg to my toes. Then does the other one. He asks me to turn over, and then he works up the back sides of my legs. It feels amazing, but so much heat has pooled in my lower belly that now I'm dying for him to touch me.
Aaaaaaaannnnnd, he doesn't. He pours massage oil on my booty shorts and massages my ass, whispering to me how gorgeous it is, how much he's looking forward to the day he gets to see it naked, and bite it. He pops me gently a couple of times and I murmur approval.
"I didn't take you for an ass-man," I tease him.
"I'm not saying I won't take all of you you'll give me, but you're right, I'm kind of a simple, natural guy. I'd rather have you the way we were meant to fit together," he coos soothingly. "Mostly that booty is going to be a great hand-hold for moving you."
I reach back and put my hand on his ass. "So if you get to grab mine at will, do I get the same privilege?"
"Got no problem with that, but you have to take the heat for the pictures if you do it in public," he replies. Excruciatingly slowly, he teases my legs apart and slides a hand down the crotch of my underwear. "Are you wet for me, Sunshine?"
"Yes," I confess.
"So I'm doing okay so far?"
"You're doing a stellar job."
"Good to know." He dumps me gently out of his lap and stands. I flip over, a little irritated. "What...where...aren't you going to...finish?"
He crosses his arms and smirks down at me. "Oh, you're eager now?"
I roll my eyes and look away. "Yes..." I confess.
He pulls me up by the hands and then lifts me off my feet bridal style as I gasp. "I'm over this tent and cheap mattress. I want you in my bed."
"But...the...candles..." I protest as he stalks toward the stairs. He changes course to the glass door. "Open it please," he asks me.
I do and he walks out completely naked, still carrying me in his arms. "Sawyer!" he booms across the pool.
The door to the pool house opens. Sawyer leans in the doorway, smirking at us. "How's it hanging?" he asks Leed sarcastically.
"Long," Leed replies automatically, and I bury my face into his shoulder as Sawyer laughs.
"We're going up, can you snuff the candles?"
"Yeah," Sawyer comes strolling across the pool deck. "Hey Ash," he says to the back of my head.
"Hey, Sawyer," I say, never moving my face from where it's planted against Leed's chest. Leed chuckles and we follow Sawyer into the studio but Leed immediately climbs the stairs.
"You're too much," I whisper in his ear.
"I'd rather be too much than not enough," he quips. He's depositing me in his bathroom again, rubbing me with a soft towel, blotting the oil on my skin. He takes my hand and leads me into his closet, back to the drawer of silk. "Choose something for what comes next. Meet me in bed, okay?"
"Okay," I say hoarsely.
He kisses my shoulder and slinks out, closing the door.
Five minutes later, I've changed and summoned my courage in the mirror. I'm literally aching from need of Leed to touch me. I want this. I can do this. I exit in one of the black teddies. It's the most revealing...a halter style cut in a deep v and terminating in a thong, but it's completely opaque, so it hides my scars.
I pause in the doorway to his bedroom. It was a blur on the way in.
The walls are dark, the feel is Eastern. Mostly grey, but lots of deep red and chartreuse. Leed is reclining against the gray leather headboard beneath the sheets. There's a colorful abstract painting above him, and the side wall above the small bar is red damask wallpaper. There are dinner plates with rolled napkins on the bar, along with a bottle in a bucket.
Exotic, rhythmic music is playing softly, and Leed is flipping through the tv on mute.
He calls me Sunshine, but his gaze transfers to me and I feel like he's the sun, warming my skin. His expression...is open, and tender, yet somehow raw. I've only ever seen an expression like that one time and it was on Cam's face, on my eighteenth birthday when he put a promise ring on my finger.
Dammit. I refuse to let Cam come here. Not tonight.
I push thoughts of him away. I reconcile him. Cam was the first, sweet moonlight interlude in my life. Leed is a star I could center my orbit around.
"You're beautiful, Ash," Leed says simply, with a shrug and a headshake. "So fucking beautiful."
He makes me feel it. Without even meaning to adjust my posture, I feel my spine lengthen. My skin feels alive...I can feel the blush on my cheeks and my hair brushing my shoulders. All because Leed tells me I'm beautiful. I feel sensual, moving slowly toward him.
"Says the Sexiest Man Alive."
He snorts. "My five minutes of fame. I'll be a has-been in November when the new Sexiest Man Alive is announced. You'll shine for your entire existence, Ashlynn. Your beauty is deep and bright."
I feel like a person reborn as I crawl across the bed toward him. His hands slide into my tousled hair as I straddle him.
He pulls my head back, resisting the kiss, for a few seconds, like he's warring with himself. "What do you want, Ashlynn? Cause I don't fucking know if you need the Lion or the Pussycat. Tell me what you need from me."
I put my forehead against his. My heart races, because I honestly don't know the answer. All I know is I can't wait any longer to let him move me. "I'm so...confused by the way I feel. Just...help me. I trust your instincts."
"I've got you. I swear."
He kisses meâswiftly, but thoroughly. His hands are at my waist and he turns me, settling my back to his front, drawing covers over me. He tilts my head toward the tv. It's lit with vivid forest and tropical flowers. He trails my blushing chest with his fingers.
"Costa Rica. Ever been there?" he asks.
"Once, for about two weeks. College credit, summer after my freshman year. It's...the most incredible place I've even seen."
"I've never been." He gathers my hair and gently pulls it over my shoulder as he kisses my shoulder from the outside and toward my neck. "I've never seen anything except Atlanta and Nashville, Utopia, LA, New York and London. All the tour stops, we never see a damn thing."
I run my hands down his strong, lean legs, and he draws them up, so that my hands rest on his knees. "Utopia?"
"The hippie commune in Tennessee where my mom lives."
"Yes. I knew that. I just didn't know it was called Utopia. Did you like it there?"
"I loved it there. Best fucking people in the world. But it's a world...too small for me."
I'm rubbing his knees, and he's slipping a hand inside the deep v of my teddy and palming my breast. I sigh in contentment as he lightly pinches. "Will you take me there?" I ask.
He circles slowly. "Absolutely. My mom is dying to meet you."
"You've told your mom about me?"
He stills, squeezes my breast gently, and removes his hand. "You've come up. But Mac's on a mission to see us together, you know. I think she's recruited my mom."
I grab his hand, and put it to my other breast. He chuckles. This time, he slowly peels the strap of silk aside, popping my breast out. In the same move, he pulls the covers tight against my abdomen, concealing everything below. "Is this okay?" he asks, as he palms my breast.
"Yeah," I breathe heavily. We don't talk for a long moment. He just slides his thumb around and I die by degrees.
"Utopia is not the only place I want to take you," he whispers in my ear. He takes my jaw, and draws my gaze to the tv. "Will you go Pura Vida with me?"
I smile. Pura Vida is the national slogan of Costa Rica. It means "the pure life."
I push my hands behind me, into his hair. "Of course I'll go to Costa Rica with you. But the last time, I stayed in a touristy pretend-retreat that was really a nice hotel. How do you feel about a tree house instead?"
"I feel like you are my fucking soul-mate," he growls, and both his hands pressure my abdomen, and then he's spreading my legs apart at the knees and stroking the thin thong fabric down my crotch.
"That's got be uncomfortable," he reasons, tugging on the scant line of fabric. "Can I unsnap it?"
My only answer is to turn my face into his neck and suck.
Snap.
"That's better," he murmurs into my damp forehead.
I bite my lip as he leisurely strokes me.
"Tell me. About Costa Rica," he prompts. He removes my hand from him, and returns his attention to me, pushing his fingers lower, skimming softly near my ass.
"It's hot. So hot," I pant.
"But you like it hot, don't you?" he teases me.
I thrash against his hand for an answer. He pushes me knees apart again and whispers. "Relax, baby. We're gonna take our time. Just so you understand that orgasm isn't a destination, it's a journey."
I make an anxious sound. He pulls my face to his and kisses me as slowly as he spreads me down below. He puts one finger against my sweet spot and taps. "Tell.Me.About.Costa.Rica."
I tell him. About the vibrant beauty. The lovely people. The dripping wetness on everything. The waterfalls. The sloths, hanging languidly in the jungle like kudzu hangs in Georgia forests. The feeling of freedom.
All my words...they don't come easy. They are whispered between whimpers, because he moves on from tapping.
And boy does he have moves.
"Oh, god," I exhale in a whisper.
I grip his neck and buck and he says, "Fuck, you are so perfect, Ashlynn. You are sweet torture, baby."
I'm winding higher and higher. Frantic gasps are escaping me that I can't control. God's and yesses, and holy shits, and Leed's are spewing from my mouth.
The best partâLeed doesn't laugh at me. He just holds me tighter around the waist and murmurs very dirty things, like I'm not a Pollyanna to him. "So soft and tight. Tell me it's all for me."
"All.For.You." I repeat. I cry out, but choke off the scream, ending in a whispery cry.
He slows. "You're stubborn, aren't you? You're still thinking about fighting me..."
"No," I promise. "No..."
"Yes, you are," he tells me. "You want to come quick and tidy, like you would make yourself come..."
"I just want to come," I assure him. He's torturing me.
"You will," he promises. "But not one of those efficient comes you've learned to give yourself. I want you undone, Ashlynn. I want to see you...wild."
He taps again, slowly, emphatically. It's a completely new sensation to me. "Please," I murmur.
"Please what?" he asks.
"Please make me come."
He does things to me I've never experienced. Something inside me grows urgent. Dull pain and thrilling sensation at the same time. "What...oh god...what is happening...oh god..."
Leed throws his arm across my shoulders, holding me close. "I've got you, baby. Ride, but don't come. Not yet. Tell me when you're close."
He keeps thrusting with his hand, making starbursts against the lids of my closed eyes. When I start to whisper frantically that I'm about to come, Leed withdraws and asks me about Costa Rica again.
"What? Don't stop..." I complain.
"Then tell me. About Costa Rica."
"Pretty Jungle. Giant Insects. The best beaches. Good Weed." I summarize.
He massages me. "Fucking divine. Nothing has ever felt so good in my hands. Not even a microphone in front of forty thousand people. I feel like a god, with my hands on you. You make me feel that."
"Leed...the things...you say...are...so...nice..." I pant.
"I'll show you nice, baby..."
He shows me just how nice he can make me feel. I thought he was doing a fantastic job before. Now, he...possesses me. With his fingers, with his words, with his absolute assurance that he can give me ultimate pleasure. I've never so vulnerable and so incredible at the same time.
This man...he takes every boundary I set and finds a way to push inside it.
He's a King. A rule-breaker. A will-taker.
He's taken mine. I would give him anything in this moment. Our gazes are locked.
"Come for me, baby. Let go. Give it all to me."
I give him more...and he gives me everything.
He holds me tight. I surrender to his touch, and let my spirit rise.
I break wide open.
"Leed," is all I can manage to say once, and then I'm stilled as light like I've never known floods me. Everything seems so bright and clear in this moment.
I am flawed. He is flawed. Together we are perfect.
I never want to leave this place of clarity, so I let go even more. I'm floating, awash in physical love.
It's the best high I've ever known.
Eventually the light fades, like the day is drawing to a close. Leed is still holding me tight, but his hand down below is stroking much more gently. It seems impossible to move, but I manage to float my own hand to his forearm and caress it. He stills his movements. Slowly, he withdraws his hand. He resnaps my teddy, and repositions the top part of my lingerie over my boobs while I lay there, too boneless to help. Then he gathers me up, wrapping the throw around me as he settles us back against the headboard.
He kisses my forehead, strokes my hair. "Your face when you come is like the breaking dawn."
"I can't..." I can't even talk.
He chuckles. "I know, baby. You're fucking done right now. Never seen anything like that, Ashlynn. You just...kept coming. For ages. Like a dam breaking."
I moan, burying my face into his chest. Great. I thought I was wrong before, now I'm a freak.
"Hey," he takes my head, makes me look up into his face. His eyes are green...the way they always lighten when he's moved. "Don't. Don't you fucking dare feel embarrassed. It was beautiful." He kisses me softly on the lips. I decide, at least in bed, to let Leed be my king, and I try to do what he says, and let go of the awkward feeling.
"Thank you," I manage to whisper against his lips. "I've never felt so..." The word is loved, but I don't say that. It's too soon. "Full of wonderfulness."
He kisses my nose, my forehead, the top of my messy hair. "Goddamn, I love the things you say, Ashlynn."
I rest my head against his chest. I don't tell him that he's the only person that would say that. The first year after my accident, my aphasia was really bad. I couldn't always find the words I wanted, so I ended up saying quirky things, just to say what I wanted to say. It bothered everyone to hear me use child-like expressions, because before I had an SAT-like vocabulary. It bothered Cam especially. He was always prompting me with the "right" words, when I made up awkward phrases. But the quirky phrases became a part of my changed personality.
It's true that I am so different than I used to be.
Everyone from my old life sees the difference. Kat and Trace have learned to accept it better than anyone else. My parents are still bothered by it. Cam couldn't take it. I think part of the reason he had to walk away was because he couldn't stop grieving the old me. But maybe my accident just broke loose a part of me that I never showed before. And maybe that part of me was made for this man that doesn't see the differences as bad, but as beautiful.
None of the old stuff bothers me right now. For the first time in a long time, I feel completely comfortable with myself.
I put my arms around Leed and snuggle tight against him. "I can't believe this. I can't believe we are...together. That we can make each other feel like this anytime we want."
He makes a sound of agreement. "I know. It's gonna be like we are kids at Christmas, every day."
I lift my head and look at him. "Your Christmases must have been very different from mine."
He laughs. "That's probably true. I spent most of them on a hippie commune, remember?"
"I want to go there. I want to see how you grew up..."
"I'll take you." He strokes my back. "But that was only part of how I grew up. The other parts you can't really see. The three stepmothers, the three different lives we lived during the school year...four for Mac, because she lived with my dad when he was single for a couple of years, after I went to UGA...all that is gone. You can meet my dad, but he's different now. Happy. Finally settled. Only took him five tries at marriage to get it right."
"Mmmmm...sometimes people have a hard path," I say.
Leed's embrace gets tighter and he rubs the soft throw over my arms. "That's true. But you've had enough of a hard road. I want to make the path we are on right now a walk in the park for you."
"I thought you wanted it to be a jungle trek," I'm tracing his tribal tats.
"Yeah, I do want that. But if it gets to be too much of a climb, you have to tell me, okay? I never want to stress your health. I want our adventures to be fun, not harmful to you. Tam and Ben are planning a honeymoon next month, so I'm gonna have Ollie full time while they are gone. After that, I figure we can take that trip to Costa Rica for a couple of weeks. We have plenty of time to plan it well. We can find an acupuncturist there, get you set up for your appointments. Of course, we'll plan our days around yoga practice, morning and night...it'll be good, baby. You'll see. We can have adventure and keep you feeling perfect."
It's like this man can read my mind. Ever since we talked about traveling together, I've been worried about how straying from my routine might affect my condition. But Leed has already thought of that, accepted the fact that I have to stay on track.
I think I love this man. I press my lips together so I don't blurt it out. I take a deep breath and say. "You are amazing. I feel so lucky. So thankful for your understanding."
"It goes both ways. You understand that my life is not fully my own. That I have a son I have to put first. It's the same kind of thing, baby. We'll make room for each other's baggage. That's real life."
I open my mouth to thank him again, but at that moment, real life intervenes and Leed's stomach rumbles. We both laugh, and I remember that there is a delicious dinner we didn't eat. "I'm hungry, too," I tell him.
He gently disengages. "I'll bring you dinner in bed. You go take care of yourself. Unless you want me to clean you up with my tongue," He runs a gentle finger down my center and sucks his finger like a lollipop. I giggle.
"I don't think I can take anymore tonight. My bliss is maxed. You'd make me pass out." I frown slightly as the thought occurs to meâwhat if things get more intense with us? How much of Leed's love can I take? Could orgasming send my brain into mini-seizure and give me a migraine?
It's like he hears me anyway. He runs a hand in my hair and massages my scalp. "You feel okay? Your orgasm was really intense...no headache or weirndess coming on or anything?"
"I feel perfect. The perfect mix of brain chemicals" I assure him, pulling his hand from my scalp and kissing his palm. "But you're right, it was intense, and I don't want to overtax my brain. Not our first night together, at least..."
"Right. Let's get some food and get some sleep." He slips from the bed, pulling me to my feet and turning me toward the bathroom. "Be right back," he hugs my from behind, kisses my shoulder and slips away.
It's ridiculous, but as the door closes, I miss him already. Miss his touch.
I tidy up in the bathroom. Wash my sweaty face and neck. I change into cute cotton cami and short pajamas I brought-pink, of course. I roam Leed's closet and find a lived-in grey cardiganâbecause he's the kind of man that can rock a sweater and look like he just walked off the Appalachian Trailâand I slip into it. When I return to the bedroom, Leed has dished out our eggplant lasagna. To my surprise, he is popping the cork on a fancy bottle of french champagne.
I love champagne, but I rarely have alcohol because too much makes my head hurt, and I've been off all substances, including alcohol, since rehab. I haven't even thought about drinking. I hesitate across the room from him. He takes the opportunity to rake his gaze over me.
"You look great in pink. I see you are borrowing my clothes already?" he grins.
I finger the sweater. "Do you mind?"
"Fuck no. You look sexy as hell in my sweater." Leed pours two glasses and holds one out to me with a smile. I hesitate still.
His expression softens, finally understanding my hesitation. "It's non-alcoholic."
"Oh!" I say. "I didn't even know they made non-alcoholic champagne. I thought the non-alcoholic version would be sparkling grape juice or something."
He shakes his head. "Nope, this is the real thing, with the alcohol removed. Tonight is a celebration."
"It is, isn't it?" I take the glass from him.
"Yep." He lifts his glass, and I follow suit. "Here's to my fabulous sex coaching skills," he grins.
"I'll drink to that," I giggle.
He takes me by the waist. "I'm just kidding, baby. To us. To all the adventure and all the passion we are gonna make."
We clink glasses and sip. "Mmmm...I missed champagne," I tell him.
"You don't have to miss a thing. I will always find a way for you to enjoy everything. If you need something and it doesn't exist, I'll fucking invent it."
"You are so sweet."
His expression darkens slightly. "Not really. Out there, in the world, I'm a lion when I have to be. Don't forget that. Don't get scared when you see the Lion come out. You, baby, are my tamer, and I will never turn on you."
There aren't words good enough to respond to that, so I kiss him instead.
We drink the delectable champagne, that tastes almost the same without the alcohol. We eat the delicious dinner. We celebrate our first night of sex. I know it wasn't intercourse, but it was still the most intimate and fantastic sex I've ever had, and from the way Leed looks like a cat that ate the canary, I guess it must have been pretty good for him too. He turns the tv and the lights off and the music super-low and we climb into bed. He spoons me.
"I hope you like to sleep close, Sunshine, because there's no way I'm letting go," he murmurs into my ear.
"Don't," I encourage him.
We fall into dreams together.
In the morning, I wake first. I watch Leed for awhile. I'm just awash in disbelief, that I'm waking beside this man, who has been so wonderful to me so far. I feel like I'm bursting with happiness.
Eventually, I slip from the bed to make coffee. Not being a professional barista or Leed's PA, it takes me a while to figure out how to work Leed's intimidating espresso machine. I peak back in the bedroom to ask him how he likes his, but he's still sleeping. I wander down to the music room with my steaming cup of cappucinno.
Music has always been my place to express emotions. It used to be classical music where I found my release, but being fake married to a rock star changed my tastes. Or maybe it's because I don't play as well as before. Now I enjoy playing a lot of pop and indie songs, and singing along. I think of a song that I heard on my music app recently, that expresses exactly how I feel right now. I find that the laptop in Leed's music room is not password protected, so I'm able to download the sheet music. I play it through twice before I add the lyrics.
I wear your winter coat
The one you love to wear
So I keep feeling close
To us beyond compare
The moment we can have
You catch me in your eyes
That beauty on my pillow
That holds me in the night
And I will find my strength to untape my mouth
When I used to be afraid of the words
But with you I've learned just to let it out
Now my heart is ready to burst
'Cause I, I feel like I'm ready for love
And I wanna be your everything and more
And I know every day you say it
But I just want you to be sure
That I'm yours
And if I've been feeling heavy
You take me from the dark
Your arms they keep me steady
So nothing could fall apart
And I will find my strength to untape my mouth
When I used to be afraid of the words
But with you I've learned just to let it out
Now my heart is ready to burst
'Cause I, I feel like I'm ready for love
And I wanna be your everything and more
And I know every day you say it
But I just want you to be sure
That I'm yours
That I'm yours
When I finish, a gentle "Christ," behind me makes me wince.
Damn. I really didn't mean for him to hear that.
I turn halfway. "It's just a song I like..." I say lightly, hurrying to close the laptop. Maybe he's still groggy from sleep and didn't process all the lyrics.
Leed stops my hand from closing the laptop. He slides behind me on the piano bench and positions his hand to play the bass clef.
"I didn't know you played," I murmur.
"I don't really, but I think I can manage this hand." He plays the first few measures, breaks, repeats, and then nods. "Yeah, I can play that. Sing for me, Sunshine."
We play. I sing. To my surprise, he remains utterly silent. When we finish, he bows his head on my shoulder for a long time. I'm biting my lip, unsure why he's so solemn.
"Singing is my life. I know the difference in a song someone likes and a song someone feels," he says quietly. "That's the way you feel. I hear the rawness of it in your voice."
I don't know what to do, so I just sit, with him holding me and laying his forehead against the back of my shoulder. Is this too much, too soon for him? Am I too much? Last night made me so much more sure of us, but did it do the opposite for him?
Finally he whispers. "I don't believe in the fairy tale, Ashlynn. My mother is bisexual and she won't marry the woman she loves, the woman who is the best thing for her, because she can't leave the idea of men behind forever. She can't commit to one lifestyle. My father has been married five timesâhe seems happier than he's ever been, but I'm not placing bets that it will last. I'm not sure I believe in making forever promises because all I've ever seen is promises choking the life out of love. I love Ollie, but I'm not sure I want to bring more kids into this crazy world, either. I'm probably never going to offer you a conventional life in the suburbs. I'm damn sure never going to be predictable Dr. Cameron Martin. I'm not going to be a guy you'll always be proud to stand beside. I'm impulsive. Reckless. I will fuck up in a heartbeat, and I'll be so fucking sorry for it, but I won't be able to take the reckless fuck-ups back. My world is fast and big and sometimes cruel and it is probably too precarious a place for you. I might possibly be the worst thing for you, in the long run. But...I'll untape my mouth, because even though I'm terrified of not being good for you, I'm not afraid of the way I feel anymore. So here it is. My truth. I'm in love with you."
I gasp. He's so rightâhe's so impulsive. And reckless.
And he's in love with me.
He turns me on the piano bench, so that I'm straddling him. He reaches into my hair, compelling my gaze. His eyes glitter with moisture like emeralds.
"I love you. I know it's crazy to say so soon but I've known for five years, I can't get you out of my head, and I want to tear the fucking world apart when you are hurting or I don't know if you're safe and now that you aren't hurting, and you are safe...all I want to do is make sure you stay happy. And now that I see how it can be between us...I know. I love you. I love you and you are the only woman I've ever been in love with. Of that, I'm sure."
Tears slip my eyes. My heart is thundering in my chest and my body courses with adrenaline. The instinctual part of me wants to run from this. It's too soon. He's just admitted to me that he'll probably never commit to a straight life, a routine, a family. He knows he's going to mess up. And even more than that, he's right about his lifestyle. He lives in a world that puts my sobriety at risk, and right now, he's on a break from that world, but eventually the rock star will resume his life.
Loving Leed is a risk, and I'm just as scared as he is that loving him will eventually come with a cost.
Even though the smarter part of me wants to run, there's a stronger part of me that won't be denied.
The part that already belongs to Leed. The part that gave her heart to him months ago, somewhere in the long conversations we had while I fought for my sobriety and he was there for every frustration and worry, listening, caring. The part that believes he will find a way to walk between the world he loves and the world I need to live in. The part that believes he might love me enough to find a way. The part that believes I love him the same. The part that has faith that our love can balance the sins of his life and the sobriety I know I have to in mine.
He's pale. "I fucking hate to see you cry. Say something, Sunshine," he whispers hoarsely.
"I know the world you live in. I know the shadows of it you've never stepped into. I know it might sometimes be hard. There are places I might not be able to follow you. We might be...separate...in some things. It might hurt. It might...test me. It's worth it to try." I put my hands on his jaw. "You are worth it. If you're sure I'm yours, that's all I need from you. Just to love me...like I love you."
He smiles. "You love me?"
"Yeah." I trace his smiling lower lip.
"That's good news. In love is a shitty place to be alone."
"You're not alone."
His smile fades to tenderness. "Say it."
I lift my eyes to his. "I love you."
"That sounds so sweet on your lips." He kisses me like he's tasting the words, then he licks his lips. He squints at me speculatively. "Hey. So I love and you love me...sooooooo..."
"Sooooooo," I parrot back, knowing where he's going but teasing him a little.
"Does this mean we can have sex now? Not that last night wasn't sexy and intimate and awesome, but I hope it showed you that our chemistry is fucking stellar and there's nothing to worry about between us. And you did say you wanted to wait for love...and I do. Love you. So...you wanna?"
My heart takes off again. I take a deep breath. "Yes. I want to...I really do...but...do you mind if I keep my top on?"
His eyes roam my face. He smooths my eyebrows, which are furrowed, waiting for his answer. "Actually...yes. If you aren't ready to be naked with me...I don't want to rush it. We can wait. Love grows, right? Trust grows. When you're sure your scars and the stories that go with them won't change the way I love you, then there will be no need for anything between us. That's when I want to make love with you."
I hug him tightly. "You're amazing and I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be, baby. I'm sorry, for the hurts you think you have to bear alone. You don't, and I'm going to love you into believing that."
My sliding tears grow to a downpour, and sobs join them. He groans and rocks me side to side. "Love is so fucking weird. Never once had a fangirl cry on me after meaningless sex, and now I'm making you bawl your eyes out because I love you and I want our lovelife to make you feel that."
I laugh through my tears at his observation. "Love is fucking weird," I agree. My use of the f-word makes Leed do the exact opposite of meâhe laughs until he cries.