Let's check in with Ash and see what she's feeling after the show-down with Tam and Ben at the hospital!
Ashlynn
I snatch my headphones off and close my laptop.
Screw this guided meditation for anger release.
I rise and pace. Meditation is not going to work this anger out.
Ben made me angry at myself. I'm not afraid of Ben. Because he's Kat primary security guy for her public appearances, I see Ben all the time. I know him better than anyone in SCIC, besides maybe Riley and Tamara. He's a good guy; he would never physically hurt me. I know that.
So why did my heart race and muscles itch with the need to get away from him?
Because I'm a coward.
Maybe it wasn't even Ben I was running from. Maybe it was Tamara. She was so...mean to me, and it hurt and made me angry, and I just wanted to get away from both of those feelings.
I can't understand why she hates me now.
When I was using, Tamara was one of the few people that wasn't judgmental. She treated me just like she treated Bodie, who was often as high as I was. She had tolerance. Sometimes she would say stuff about our drugs problems, but she never cruel...just matter-of-fact. One time when she was doing my makeup for me, on a rare occasion that Trace took me to a party that Leed and Mac were throwing, she told me my drug habit was ruining my skin and that I should at least try to drink a full glass of water with every pill I popped.
We laughed over it.
When I was in recovery the last timeâshe was one of my biggest supporters. I thought we were actually friends.
I mean, damn, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding three months ago. The week before her wedding, she was joking around with me about being her replacement with Leed. I thought maybe she wanted us to be together.
Everything changed when she had Ollie.
Ollie is so much like Leed. I think in some weird way, falling so much in love with Ollie has made Tam's feelings for Leed stronger. And he's such an amazing fatherâhow could she not feel for him?
But she won't admit that, probably even to herself. Because she loves Ben too.
She basically loves two men, I think.
It can happen. I was still in love with Cam and also in sort of weird platonic love with Trace, too. When I truly got stable in recovery I knew that the feelings were misplaced and I knew I had to work to get over for my feelings for Kat's sake, and now I see Trace differentlyâmore like I saw him growing upâbut the honest truth is, it was only the year and half that I spent distant from him that helped me to resolve those feelings. When we were living together, when he was taking care of me, I felt a very strong connection to him. I felt like I could have stayed married to Trace. I didn't even care about the fangirls or the fact that we didn't have any physical affection. I just...wanted to give back to him, for what he had done for me. Him smiling when I made him coffee was the best part of my day for many months.
I imagine it's a lot like what Tamara and Leed are experiencing right now. Ben is back to working nearly forty hours a week. He always goes into the city with Kat on Mondays, and to class with her on Tuesdays and Thurdays. Plus he's the guy Trace likes to take if they go out, so he's working some weekend hours, too.
I don't like to think of all the time Tam and Leed are spending alone. I know nothing is going on physically, but there's no getting around that they are Ollie's parents, and they are both just...awash in love for him. And caring for him like a couple. At least while Ben is away.
Emotions are messy and amoeboid and they don't always fit into what people think of as romantic relationships. I know that. That's how I know...Tam is in love with Ben, but she loves Leed too much to let him go.
That's the only explanation for her problem with me. She was okay with the idea that Leed might want to sleep with me, but the idea of him dating me? Really caring about me? Maybe working up to something more than the two of them ever had?
It creeps all over her.
Does Leed see that? Does he know that she loves him?
The thought that he doesn't makes my skin crawl with anxiety. Then the thought that he does is worse. Maybe the feels are starting to go both ways. Maybe, despite everything he says about wanting to date me, he's really just looking for another bedbuddy to sate his sexual needs, and his heart belongs to his son and his son's mother.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
You're screwing up, Ashlynn. You are falling for a man who can't give you his heart. It's all tied up with his baby and his baby-mama. As it should be.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Leed's voice booms over the patio fence.
In a second, he's through the gate and snatching my hand, prying the white cylinder away. I ignore his growling. That's just the Lion being a lion.
"How's Ollie?" I ask, twisting my hand away, keeping hold of the tube.
"He's fine. He just has a mild virus." Leed grabs my wrist and pulls the object away and holds it up between us. "Vaping? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you know how bad that shit is for you?"
I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Maybe slightly less bad or slightly worse than cigarettes. Jury's still out. Give it." I gesture impatiently.
"Ashlynn," he chides, sounding like my father. "You don't want to start vaping. You're doing so well."
"Start?" I laugh. "Leed, I've quit everything else. A little nicotine is all I have left! Sometimes I use gum, but Trace leaves these here...and anyway..." I reach around and snatch the pack of Marlboro's from his back pocket. "Hypocrite much?"
Leed's hazel eyes flare green. He doesn't like to be called out. He drops the e-cig on the ground and crushes it under his foot. He advances on me. "I'm only smoking because I'm weaning off weed. Cause I don't want to party like that anymore. Cause I wanna be with you. I get that it was shitty at the hospital with Tam and Ben. I get that you are pissed and anxious. I'm pissed and anxious, too. Because you did the one thing I asked you not to. You ran. Things got hard and you ran."
"I...no...I...that's...that's...not what I was doing..." Great Ashlynn. You sound so convincing when you stammer.
"Bullshit."
"I wasn't running!" I put my hands up to him to ward him off. "I was leaving because your baby-mama and her husband didn't want me there!"
"I wanted you there. I needed you there." he growls.He backs me up against the fence, exactly where Trace pinned Kat a few days ago. Both his hands are planted beside my head now. He gaze travels my face. "But maybe what you need is more important than what I need. Ashlynn...I feel like a crazy person," he says softly. "Or like a man torn in two. I know I'm not good for you. I know you deserve something...less chaotic than my life. Tell me to walk away, Ashlynn. If my shit is making you want to use, fucking tell me to walk away and leave you alone. I swear to fuck, I'll do itâif it's what you need."
I open my mouth to do just thatâbecause I know this man is going to break my heart. A thousand times in a thousand different ways. You can't love someone without having your heart broken. It doesn't matter if it's by them, for them, with them. At some point, loving always hurts. And when I hurt, all I want to do is make it stop.
He's right. He's no good for me. He's gonna make me crazy, make me want to use.
He's also the only biggest, brightest thing in my vision that makes me not want to use. He makes me want to hold on tight to my new life, so I can keep him in it.
I fist my hands in his t-shirt and pull him closer to me. "I don't want you to walk away. I just need you to come and find me when I screw up and run."
Leed's sinful mouth curls into a slow smile. His hands leave the wall and slowly, gently, embrace me.
"I'm sorry. For all the shit at the hospital. For Ben and Tam. I don't know when you leftâhow much you heardâbut I pushed back hard on their bullshit. I've got your back, Ashlynn. If you're with me, I've got your back alwaysâeven if it means I have to see it a lot, while I chase you down."
I lean back against the wall, pressing his hands into my shoulder blades and reveling in the sure contact.
"Tam has every right to worry about my sobriety, but you know there's more than that to why she doesn't like me right now, don't you? Three months ago, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding and she was joking about about me replacing her as your bedbuddy, with less time sober than I have now. Then, either Ollie was born and it changed the way she feels, or maybe she realized you and I might have something different than what she and you had, and now...she's jealous, Leed. That's a big part of what's going on here."
Leed's sexy smile drops in confusion as he ponders. He bites his lip, shakes his head. "Naw, that's not...she's in love with Ben. I live with them. I see how they are. Tam and I aren't like thatânever have been."
"Yes, she's in love with Ben. But she loves you tooâtoo much to let you go. She wants you both. And Ollie...Leed, I really don't want to come between you and your son by causing problems with Tam."
"You let me worry about that."
I laugh. It was always my nature to worry about everything. Things are different nowâin my brain, in my lifestyle, but I sometimes I still feel all the nervous anxieties of my old life. I can try to let Leed do the worrying, but it would have been a helluva alot easier with a hit off that vape. I finger the pack of cigarettes. "You really shouldn't smoke, anymore than I should vape, you know." I trace down his throat with my fingers. "Bad for your lungs. Bad for your gorgeous voice. But it's so hard to cope with tension sometimes, isn't it?" I whisper.
Leed takes the pack of cigarettes and flings them away. His slow hands creep up my back until they find themselves in my hair. He curls his fingers, massaging at the same time he's twisting, creating a little tension on my scalp that feels like anything but tension in my brain.
"You wanna take the edge off, baby? You want to fire up your brain with a little dopamine? There are better ways than nicotine for both or us." He runs his nose up from my collar bone to my ear." Yoga." He licks beneath my ear. "Chocolate." He nibbles my lobe. "Sex." His hands slide down my back, to palm my ass, pulling me against his erection. "Licking chocolate off each other while we have sex in yoga positions."
Oh my lord, the things this man says. He's sex on a stick and all I want to do is take a bite, but I'm afraid I'm allergic. What if when we finally get down to it, I break out in hives from sheer nervousness? That will be so...attractive. Then again, maybe the hives would detract from some of my scars.
I whimper in frustration. Why do my thoughts always turn weird and ruin a sexy moment?
Leed pulls back and stares at me. "That wasn't a yes-Leed-please-fuck-me-into-blissful-oblivion sound, was it?"
I'm blushing against my will just at his blunt comment. I push him away, murmuring, "What happened to not trying any more sexy stuff right now?"
I move to pick up the cigarettes and put them on the table. He watches me, raking through his hair in irritation. "Sorry," he mumbles. "It's pretty fucking hard not to want you right now. You ran from me, but you're telling me not to let you go. It's just...primal. You ran, and I chased you down. Now I just want to...finish it. Make you mine, so you see there's nothing to fear from me. I wanna be your man, Ashlynn. I wanna get you coming underneath me. I want to make you come apart and erase every other man, every worry you have about us, every craving but me." He holds out my phone to me. "Let's get this love affair started, Sunshine. Cancel your damn date, and let me take you to bed and make you my queen." Almost as an afterthought, he half-grins and adds, "Please."
I shiver. Such arrogance in this man. Does he even hear what he sounds like?
He sounds like a damn cave man. Like the chief of the cave men.
Why does it infuriate me, scare me, and turn me on so much all at the same time?
Then I think about why I'm going on this date, and I think about the fear I'm feeling right now, and I know I can't cancel. I need this date.
"I...I can't."
Leed puts his hands in his pockets, looks to the sky, swallows heavily. "You can, but you won't. Because you're not ready." He looks at me again. "That's okay. I told you...you can always say no. I meant it." He advances slowly, holds out his hands to me. I put mine in his. He kisses the top of my head. "Do you really have to go on the date, though? You have to be as fucking beat as I am, from the night in the hospital. How about we just...hang? Get some food, maybe take a nap on the couch before I have to go back to Tam's?"
The way he says that so casuallyâgoing back to Tam'sâI know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. "You should probably get back now, don't you think? Ollie is probably still pretty fussy, and I'm betting you guys left things tense at the hospital..."
"Not so much," Leed objects. "I think they both felt pretty bad about the way they acted. And Ollie was doing okay, between the Tylenol and Tam being home. I can take a few hours to spend with you. I don't want to...leave you. Like this." He rubs my thumbs, and brings both my hands to his mouth, kissing my knuckles.
The gesture is so sweet and sexy. My head rushes with euphoria, but I struggle against it, because his words let me know what he really means. He doesn't want to leave me like this. Craving a hit of nicotine. Jonesing for a little relief from a shitty day.
I pull my hands from his. "You have trust me to manage my own emotions, Leed. Just because I was vaping doesn't mean that I am anywhere near wanting to throw away my sobriety. I may not always handle my coping mechanisms perfectly, but it doesn't mean that if you leave, I'm going to pop pill."
He nods, opens the slider, rummages the kitchen drawer and brings me another disposable e-cigerette. "You're right. I don't want to be your vice cop, Ashlynn. I have to learn support you, without policing you."
I take it from him, and lay it on the table. "I don't even want it now. Now I want..." I bite my lip and sigh. "Chocolate yoga sex."
He laughs and holds his hands apart arrogantly. "Say the word, baby, and I'll make it happen."
I squeeze my eyes shut. "Get out of here. I have to get ready to meet Theo."
"You're still going on the damn date?!?!?!" he exclaims his face contorting into anger. "Ashlynn, fuck! Don't do this to me, okay? I get the one Matt set up for next week, but why do you have to go out with this guy? Why can't you just be my..." he stops abruptly and sighs heavily, raking his hand through his hair, the way he always does when he's frustrated or confused.
"Be your what?" I ask hoarsely.
"Be on the same page with me. I'm working up to dating you, you're working up to sex with me...we're laying the foundation. Why you gotta throw some random in to fuck with the plan?"
Oh Leed, if I could only tell you.
"It's not like that, okay? I was embarrassed to tell you, but this is not a real date. It's more of a...casual meeting."
"For what purpose?" he demands.
I turn away. "I'd really rather not say, okay?"
"Ashlynn," he growls. "What the fuck is so important about this date? Riley said the same thingâthat he was helping you. Tell me what's going on. Why are you meeting with this guy? Is he..." Leed gropes for explanation. "Is he some kind of counselor or something? Like a sponsor? Who is this guy?"
Relief floods me. "Yes. It's something exactly like that. He's a...therapist. More like a coach," I qualify.
"Like a life coach?" Leed probes.
"Yeah, like that," I agree. "This is just a meeting. I don't know if I'll...want him to coach me, or if he'll want to, either."
"Huh," Leed looks at me and massages his throat. A sign that I'm learning means he's holding something back.
"What?"
"I know this sounds sexist, but don't women usually have female life coaches? It just seems more...natural."
I smile. "You're jealous."
"Fuck yes, I'm jealous. Just like you're jealous of Tam."
"I'm not jealous of Tam, I'm just seeing the situation with the mother of your child realistically."
"Yeah well, I'm seeing the situation with your male life coach realistically, too. It's gonna take one hour with you, seeing your light and your sweetness and staring at the gorgeous package all that light is wrapped in, and he's going to be crazy about you. If he's single and straight, he'd be a fool not to try to coach your right into his life."
"I don't think so," I object. "I'm sure he's a professional. He's used to...coaching a lot of women."
"I'm sure," Leed snarl. "I don't fucking like this, Ashlynn. Need you to hear that."
"So ...are we having a fight?" I say mildly. For some reason, the Lion snarling doesn't make me clench with anxiety. I only want to soothe him.
More hair raking. "No. I'm gonna respect your decision. But it doesn't mean I have to like it, and you need hear me on that, too."
"Okay," I move to him and kiss his cheek. "It's just one hour. If I decide to see him again, I'll tell you."
Leed catches my chin between his fingers. "If you decide to start seeing this guy, I want to meet him."
I feel the blush creeping up again. "Yeah, that would probably be a good idea if I decide to work with him," I whisper. "Maybe you can...join us, sometimes. For the coaching. So you know what's going on."
"Hmmm." He says. "I guess that will work."
"See? We are so ahead of the game. We aren't even dating yet, and we are already learning how to resolve conflict," I tease him.
"Resolve this, Sunshine."
Leed plants a chaste, closed mouth kiss to my lips,but the way he does itâso deliberately, so tenderlyâthe way he lingers with his lips on mine, finally releases, and then presses me with two more soft and shorter kissesâit's all I can do not to grab his shirt again and shove my tongue in his mouth. Instead I pat his rock hard chest lightly.
"You're killing me with these innocent kisses," I say softly.
He leans to my ear. "Mmmmmm...maybe I'm saving the tongue for our first date."
I laugh nervously. "Is that one of those things that you mean two ways?"
"If you like it two ways at once, I can do that too," he shoots right back.
I step back, a little too quickly. "Damn, I walked right into that one."
He grins, picks up the cigarettes and fires one up. "Just teasing you, Sunshine. I already told you, we'll work at your pace. But speaking of our first date," he pulls his phone out and looks at his calendar. "I'm pleased to report that the situation that needed a little finesse has been...properly stroked."
I roll my eyes at him this time, because I know he's just teasing me now.
"We got Kat's big Art thing next Thursday, and then we all leave for Nashville for moving day. Mac thinks she's keeping us there until Babycakes is born, and who know when that will be, but...can I reserve the following Friday to take you out, just in case the Universe is on my side?"
"Sure," I'm trying not to smile too wide as I put the event on my own calendar.
"Better make it recurring," he says evenly.
"You want all my Friday's, Leed?"
He gives me a cool stare. "And if I do? Would you give them to me?"
I nod. He smirks as he backs toward the gate.
"I would ask you not to dress too sexy for this meeting, but you're as hot as a fucking nuclear reactor in everything you wear," he looks me up and down. "Christ, I must be a moron for not locking you in the goddamn house," he mumbles as he turns and jerks open the gate. "Goodbye, Sunshine."
"You really are a beast, you know that?" I call after him.
"Yeah. You're gonna like my primal side, eventually," he promises.