Chapter 15: Chapter 14: Front Men Try Honesty

The song A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz was the inspiration for this chapter.  The way he describes the woman and his feelings  is very much the way Leed sees Ashlynn right now, I think.

Leed

I feel like a complete chump. I drove the speed limit all the way from Tam's house. I must have looked in the rearview mirror a thousand times, even though I could clearly see Ollie sleeping in the mirror that's mounted above his carseat.

I've never taken him anywhere alone. Tam always sits back there with him.

Now I'm here at my house. The nursery is ready, and Sawyer spent all day yesterday at the baby store, purchasing all the same shit that is in Ollie's nursery at Tam and Ben's...right down to the same diaper cream. We've got strollers and bouncy seats and toy bars and and three cases of diapers. Plus a million onesies, but those are mostly things that Mac ordered and sent. All organic cotton or hemp, and she had them hand-screened with custom phrases like "Rock Star In Training", "If my head wobbles, I'm just working on my chin tip," ones with a pictures of Simba, and my personal favorite, "Cute as Fluke."

Ollie is still sleeping, sitting on the kitchen table in his car seat. Sawyer is transferring the little bags of frozen milk into the freezer. He gives me an evil grin and waggles it. "Tell the truth. Did you taste it?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I sneer.

"That's a yes," he scoffs as he puts several in the fridge to unfreeze.

"You're a pervert," Ash says breezily as she glides into the kitchen like Grace personified. She's wearing skin tight, rolled-up jean leggings, Converse, a baseball T-shirt with the Hamsa hand on it and her hair in a ponytail. She looks gorgeous. How she can dress down and still seem so fucking classy I don't even know, but she looks as sweet as the day I met her and five times as happy.

Seeing her sail towards me, the overwhelm hits me again. I feel sixteen, not twenty-six. Nervous as fuck and over the moon at the same time just because she's here, in my space, for me. Then I look down at Ollie, and the nervous feeling eating my gut spews up my chest into full-blown anxiety.

Not just for me. For my son. With Ashlynn, with Ollie, this is not some teenage romance I never had. This feels...real. It scares the hell out of me, because I can't afford to mess up.

Before I even realize what I'm doing, I pull her to me. "Hey Beautiful. I didn't realize you were here yet." I catch the side of her mouth, give her a little peck.

Shit. I just kissed her, like I've done it a thousand times. Like she's my girlfriend or something. I ease back slowly, like I just stepped on a landmine. Now she's staring at me with blank eyes—a feedback of the same kind of anxiety I'm feeling.

Well, if we are in the shit, at least we are in it together. I take a deep breath, and pull her ponytail. "You ready to play house with me today?" I tease.

That breaks the current of fear passing between us. She blinks,gives me a small tucked-back smile and turns toward Ollie. "I'm ready to get my hands on that baby. He's gotten so big." she murmurs softly.

"He'll probably sleep another hour or so," I warn her. "Why don't we bring him outside and enjoy the warm winter day? I don't know about you, but I could use a little vitamin D."

It's late morning and really warm for February, but Ashlynn insists on tucking a fluffy blanket all around him in his carseat, and gently easing a little cap on his head. "Oh god, I love baby heads," she whispers as she leaves her hand between the seat and the back of his skull. "Like holding all of heaven, right here in my hand."

I nearly wince, because her saying shit like that runs through me twice-slicing me on the way in, and the way out.

Once, because the way she's fallen for my kid fucking slays me. Her heart is so loving.

But, there's a more selfish stab, too. Trace is right...Ashlynn seems like the kind of woman that has a picket fence and a couple of kids in her future. I swallow down the the fear again. I'm working hard to wrap my head around being a father to Ollie. I love him to death, but there's a world out there I always thought I would get to see. Me, Mac and the guys have worked our asses off for the last five years. Now here we are, with our first stretch of time off since we formed the band. I thought my six months would be more like Bodie's—not the drugs, but the wandering, the exotic locations—and here I am, a father tied to this little bundle with love so strong it feels like steel cables. Not only that, but a complete sucker for a girl that needs her routine to stay healthy, and needs to be solid in one place for awhile, the kind of girl that wants—no, probably needs—to put down roots.

"Come on," I say, raising him gently, needing to break the beautiful ache raised from seeing Ashlynn bent over my son with a look like she could be his momma. "Let's get some air."

Sawyer leaves to get us some takeout and grocery staples, but it's the last thing he will do for me today, because he has an audition and a date with a VIP section tonight. I roll out the giant sunsail over the hot tub, and we put Ollie well in the shade a couple of feet behind us as we take off our shoes, roll our jeans above our knees and massage our feet in the jets of the hot tub. I take my shirt off and lay back on the warm concrete, the tense thoughts easing away as I count breaths and put my foot under Ashlynn's in the water, raising and lowering her leg in time with my breaths.

We are quiet for awhile, finally Ashlynn says, "I'm so proud of you, Leed. You are amazing, the way you've embraced fatherhood."

A warmth spreads in me that has nothing to do with the sunlight from above. I curl up and look at her. "Can I be honest—completely honest—with you?"

She nods solemnly.

I glance back at Ollie. "I fucking love him like crazy. Nothing I wouldn't do for him. But then I get these moments where I feel like...this sucks. Not because I'm a dad, but because I'm not..." I rake a hand through my hair, trying to find the right words, "Because of the situation with Tam and Ben. Not that we don't all get along, it's just... I always thought, I'd do the rock star thing, then on the breaks, maybe do the George Harrison thing, you know? Seek my spiritual path, get a little lost out there in the world and find myself. And maybe if there was a woman, or a family eventually—well, we could do it together, you know? A little nomad tribe of my very own. But between me and Tam and Ben, it's not gonna be like that. Tam's all about living the straight life, now. I honestly don't think she'll ever come on the road with Soundcrush again, because Ben's job is so variable. She wants stability for Ollie." I look back at Ollie, "Ollie coming into my life has changed everything. Being on the road, being gone half the time while he's growing up will be hard enough—there's no way I'll be able to spend our time off traveling all the time, like I thought I would. And I'm not sure how I feel about that. I guess I'm still trying to accept it. Selfish, I know."

Ashlynn nods as she looks into the water, her long ponytail bobbing. "I hadn't thought about that. I didn't know that's what you want—to travel the world."

I close my eyes. I don't know why I'm telling her this. I'm a lunatic. I chase this girl for months, and now that she's here so close I could lay her down and work my way to loving her, I'm throwing out truths I feel almost positive will scare her away.

But I can't lie to this girl. If we are gonna do this, I have to show her the real me. The flawed, selfish, restless parts of me. A girl like Ashlynn deserves to know what she's getting into.

She turns to me. "I think maybe...you aren't thinking exactly right, Leed. Ollie is only two and half months old, and it's a very hard thing, parenting a newborn. The way you feel right now...the love won't fade, but the intensity of everything will fade. Maybe you won't be able to travel all the time, but with all the resources you and Tam and Ben have...you'll be able to work it out. It will be okay, if you take some time for your own life. And they can do the same, while you take turns parenting Ollie. I really think, you might have the best of both worlds." She rubs my tatted arm, "You're just tired and sleep-deprived and maybe a little overwhelmed and you're not seeing all the possibilities. You will find a balance. You will still have a wonderful life filled with adventure. And eventually, Ollie will be sturdy enough to travel to exotic places, too. Think about it—all the things you could show him on father-son trips. The world is still open to you, Leed. If there's one thing I've learned—the prisons we make for ourselves are mostly in our heads," she taps her own head and rolls her eyes, making a little fun of her own condition.

Christ, this girl. How many times can she cut me? Falling in love is like a sword fight. I'm bleeding for her, but the words she says fill me with life at the same time. I take her hand and twist my fingers in hers. "How do you do that? Make me believe what you say with such gentle words? Turn my pity into possibilities?"

"Isn't that what you did for me? Maybe your karma is just returning to you." She watches our hands, playing. I hop down into the hot tub in my jeans, move in front of her, wrapping her legs around me as she drapes her arms over my shoulders.

"Gotta ask you something, Ash..." I murmur gently. "Are you feeling me the way I'm feeling you?"

Her eyes wander lazily over my face, and her fingers smooth the top of my rough cut. Finally she meets my eyes and nods slowly, "But it scares me, Leed. It scares me so much."

I close my eyes, focusing on the nod, feeling all fucking kinds of thankful for the shy smile that came with it. After a long moment, I meet her eyes again. "I'm scared, too. But I think we are scared for different reasons."

She laughs softly. "No shit."

"So what do we do about it?"

"Maybe we should go somewhere beautiful and meditate on it."

"Don't tease me, girl."

Her hand travels down the side of my face to my chest, tracing the tribal swirls on my shoulder. "I'm not exactly teasing. What you said about...travel to exotic places—I think about that a lot, too. I spent a year being the worst kind of nomad. I saw the seedy side of every major city in the United States—all the glamour, and all the ugly underneath it. Every place I could go here—LA, Atlanta, New York, Seattle, Chicago—they all have memories I have to process, forgive myself for, let go of. The idea of going to simpler, purer places ...it's an amazing idea.When I was in rehab, one of the things I had to do was make a five year plan. That plan looks very different than the plans I used to make before my accident. Before, it was med school and marriage and career and kids. Now it's travel and life experience and something...more spiritual and less conventional."

Her fingers on my tats are making me shiver, but that's nothing compared to the impact her words are having on me. Her thoughts, her desires...they are unexpected. And very very exciting. I take her head in my hands.

"You mean that? You think you'd like to...wander for a while?"

She nods. "Well, I want to work with Ravi until he thinks I'm ready to teach. And I need some more time before I feel sure of my health, but yes. I can't think of anything else I'd like more than to see Asia, India, Indonesia, and learn more about the ways of life there. All of the health practices that are restoring my life are founded in the East. I want to see the way of life that's given me back mine. I feel like...it's part of my path. To really understand the practices, so I can help other people."

There she goes again, running right through me. I want to pull her down in this water with me, get my hands beneath her wet clothes, feel every beautiful inch of her body, then take her inside and touch her beautiful soul.

Instead, I let go, drop down into the hot tub and move away from her to the other side.

She laughs. "Why are you going way over there?"

"Because suddenly I don't feel so scared. I feel very very sure. I feel like, I want to see all of you—everything about you you haven't shown me yet. I want to get you underneath me and make you come, so you feel something as strong as I'm feeling right now. I want to drift in the after-bliss with you and dream about where we might go one day. But I know I promised you slow."

The blush creeps up her pretty throat and onto her cheeks. She looks terrified again. "Leed, there's something I need to tell you..."

Ollie lets out a mewl of wakefulness, and Ashlynn's expression one-eighties into a huge smile. "Someone's awake," she whispers. She pulls to her feet in a fluid movement and is unbuckling him before I can climb out.

"Hey, Baby Ollie. I'm so happy to see you awake. I'm Ashlynn. I'm your daddy's friend, and I can't wait to play with you today."

Fuck. The way he blinks up at her without the slightest confusion. Even my infant son is mesmerized by her beautiful smile and gentle way. She scoops him into her arms, still speaking to him gently as she pulls him to her chest and rises. He presses his little face between her boobs, squirming and rooting. She giggles. "I think he's hungry."

"Yeah, he likes to eat naturally," I tease her, toweling off my chest. "Here I can take him on a little walk, if you will go inside and heat him up a bottle while I trip dry."

"Not a chance," she says, already headed to the door with him. "I've got it."

Seeing her hips sway as she cradles my son, my feet are following right behind. I lean against the slider to the kitchen, watching as she moves about, holding him to her with one arm as she puts the bottle in the brand new steam warmer, pulls one of those cloths for spits ups from his diaper bag, and then tests the temperature of the milk. She's a natural at this.

"You don't have a secret kid you aren't telling me about do you?" I tease her.

"Well..." She pauses, and bites her lips. Suddenly, the sword is to the gut. Fucking hell, what did I just say? She was missing a whole year...what if...

Then she snickers. "Gotcha. Your face is priceless."

My heart is in my throat. I swallow it down slowly. "That one is not really funny, Ash. You were missing a whole year..."

"Just from your world. I did see Trace every few months. I think he would have noticed if I had a baby." She breezes back past me toward the pool, settling into a rocking glider beneath the sunsail. I put a towel down and join her as she feeds my son.

She babbles at him for a few minutes, getting him to accept the offensive false nipple, and then when he's happily sucking, she says, "I would never had done that. I might be a drug addict with brain damage, but I still have my reason most of the time. When I...surrendered to the drug life...I made sure I can't get pregnant. I would never put a child through drug addiction. I love babies..." she pats Ollie's bottom softly, "but I have to play the hand I'm dealt, right? Motherhood isn't in the cards for me."

This girl should just cut my throat and put my out of my misery, because the way she says that, is the deepest cut of all. "What do you mean, you made sure? Like...permanently?"

She looks up at me a little surprised, then her expression softens. "No, not like that. I just meant...birth control I couldn't mess up when I was high. Really long term birth control. An IUD—the kind that's effective for twelve years."

I nod. "Well, that's good, I think, because I've never seen anyone I think would be a better mother than you, Ash. Maybe you should take your own advice. Maybe you aren't thinking exactly right about that, because of the last couple of rough years. Maybe down the road you will feel differently."

"Maybe. But my life is really full of other things I have to balance and probably will be for a long, long time," she says. "Right now, I'm happy loving on the Cub and Babycakes, when she gets here."

I won't lie, there is a relief that washes through me to hear that. It kind of takes the pressure off. I chuckle.

"What?"

"It's just that...Trace is always warning me that you are the kind of girl that wants a picket fence and everything that goes behind it. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Because you are painting a whole different picture."

Ashlynn looks sad. "Trace just has trouble...accepting that the old me is gone, you know? I did want all that. But that life...it's not my path anymore. He feels...responsible for that. He just can't see...I'm okay with the new direction. There's a part of him that thinks I can't be fully healed unless I'm fully restored to the girl he knew."

I nod silently. Trace is a wounded soul. Don't get me wrong. We all got our wounds—and my upbringing left me with plenty of baggage—but when Trace finds something solid, he holds on with a titanium grip, because his childhood was a train wreck, and all he could do was hold on and brace for impact. I think all the Ballards next door meant more to Trace than even he realizes. He counted on all their predictable reactions—Kat's affection, Ashlynn's scolding, Ellen's gentle tolerance, Mike's stern but mild disapproval. It makes sense to me more and more, why he's so...tied up in Ashlynn. Her recovery is not just about her. It's about him, more than he realizes.

She lifts Ollie to her shoulder to pat it his back and smiles at me. "I don't want to talk about Trace. I don't want to talk about the past, or the future, okay? Right now, I just want to play with this baby. And you," she teases me.

Christ, this girl. It's like the Universe fucked us both up, carved parts and pieces out of us, just so we could fit together perfectly in this moment.

I don't know what I'm doing here. This feels right, but it's not real. It's too much; it's not enough. It's overwhelm for my brain, yet my soul is crying for more. I want it all right now; I want to draw this newness out and make the beginning of whatever is happening between us the sweetest memory.

I pull my sunglasses down over my face. It's too much. There's only so much truth I can tell Ashlynn at once.

"You gotta stop blinding me with that smile, Sunshine. You're gonna cause permanent damage to my eyesight, you know."

She just smiles all the more bright as I put an arm around her, and kiss my son's head.

Holding Ash and Ollie like this, maybe for the first time, I understand how Tam feels, and why she's so uneven right now. It kind of hurts to know I have to hold a place in my life for Tam that I can't give to Ashlynn. For Ollie's sake.

I never loved anybody, really, except my sister.

Now, I've got all these different, confusing kinds of love in my life—and what I'm feeling for Ashlynn is the most exciting, and the most terrifying at the same time.

What a beautiful fucking mess I'm in.

Awww. How do you feel about this lazy morning and easy vibe they have, all the while they discuss very serious and very intimate things?

If there's too much sweetness, don't worry, it's about to get a little more messy. The waters are about to get a little rough in the next chapter...

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