Okay, so I lied. I couldn't resist giving Ash and Leed more "screen time". Ash and Kat next chapter, after she has lunch with Trace...
The song for this chapter is a cover of Sarah Mclachlan's Ice Cream by William Fitzsimmons. You will understand from the text....
Ashlynn
My phone is buzzing me awake. I roll over in the bed and reach for it, but I don't look at it immediately. As I always do, I open my eyes very slowly. Just a crack, so that the sunlight streaming in my window dances on the tips of my eyelashes, making circular spectra that prompt a smile of gratitude. For the little things like waking up slow, and eyelash sunsparkles. And the big things, like waking up headache-free and sober.
Opening my eyes slowly helps me transition to the light. Which is important, because sometimes jarring transitions trigger a searing pain in my head, that dulls to a headache that lasts for hours. Still, my headaches are nothing like they were before. These are manageable, usually. I've only had one migraine since detox, and I'll do just about anything to keep them at bay.
Anything but drugs, that is.
I don't want to dwell too much on yesterday's near miss, so I focus on my phone. The name says Leed. I have a sudden craving to have a picture of him to go with the contact. I've never taken a picture of him. I'm very conscious that these Soundcrush guys are skittish about snap-happy acquaintances. Well, at least Trace and Mac and Adam always were, but they always had more to hide than Leed or Bodie. Until last summer, Mac and Adam were always trying to hide their subtle looks, touches, and body language that would show the world what they were doing a bad job of hiding from their band-matesâthat they were desperately in love with each other. Trace had meâhis secret wifeâto hide. Of course, we were the exactly opposite of Madam. We were just desperate, without the love.
I don't want to dwell on Trace either. My thumb is already moving me in the direction I want to go.
I press green. For go. Ha. I wish. If only it were that easy for me to peel out of the starting gate with Leed. Still, I can't help flirting a little. It's been so long since I wanted to flirt with anyone for the simple reason of showing affection.
"Hey, Red," I purr as I stretch out the words, and my body.
He laughs. "It's like that, huh? I don't know if that's the best nickname for me right now. My hair is a shadow of its former glory."
"I like it. You look edgy. But if you grow it back it, that's all good too."
"More for you to yank on?" His purr is much, much sexier than mine. Man, am I really blushing just from his voice?
"You aren't ever going to let that go, are you?" I sigh.
"I'll let go, if you hold on tight, Sunshine," he quips mildly, "But I didn't call for phone flirting this morning. I told you, I am all about the slow and sweet with you now. Hey! That reminds me of that song. Ice Cream. You know it? That's your signature song, Sunshine. Just til I find just the perfect one. I'm putting it on my ring tone for you."
"I love that you have a song for everyone that calls you, but I don't believe you. There is not a song called Ice Cream," I laugh.
"Obviously your knowledge of nineties alternative female performers is gaping if you don't know Ice Cream. Sarah Mclachlan. Your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I've tried. Your love is better than ice cream, everyone here knows how to fight. It's a long way down, it's a long way down, it's a long way down to the place we started from..." he croons.
Oh my lord. He is singing to me. I thought he was purring before, but Leed's voice stretched in song is creamy, decadent waves of sex. It is much much more tender than his stage performance. I stretch again and make a sound that too late I realize sounds like a porno sex whimper.
I have never made that sound before.
Not for real, anyway.
His laughter chokes off the song.
I decide the best defense is a good offense.
"Damn. That's really not fair," I complain. " For you to use your professional skills on me."
"I never said I play fair, but I am gratified by the reaction. If I can't make the girl I'm into melt with my voice, I'd be a piss-poor front man, wouldn't I?"
I need to change the subject, take the focus off me. "Hmmmm. Are you calling to ask me to cancel my blind dates again?" I would. I swear I would. I don't mind going...especially on the one that will maybe help Trace and Street to normalize, but I've been sticking around for awhile, waiting on Leed to decide if he wants more than sex with me. Now that he has decided...I want to spend time with him. He's so much fun. I'm kind of impatient to learn if I can be fun again, too.
"Nope. I was calling to see if you have time for a quick breakfast before your masterclass with Ravi."
I sit up, checking the time. "I do, but...aren't you at Tam's?"
He laughs. "Naw. I was headed there last night when I got a text from Ben to stay the hell away. I guess they had a real good day alone together with Ollie, and he went down easy last night and they wanted some alone time. Ben told me not come a-knocking before noon. I guess he's hoping for a bonus round when Ollie goes down for his mid-morning nap."
"Poor Ben," I laugh. "You must really be cramping his style, hanging around all the time. They are newlyweds, you know..."
"You don't have to tell me, woman. I'm totally down to start figuring out this two household thing. Tam is just...well, things have been going pretty good with Ollie, and she just doesn't want to mess up his routine, you know. I don't think she trusts me to keep to his nap and feeding schedule and stuff. Even for the part time dad duty I'm sure she's planning for me."
"It is kind of important, I suppose. A baby's schedule, I mean..."
"I know. The last thing I want is Tam going all dragon-momma on me for getting his days and nights mixed up or something. I know the kid's schedule. I can handle it. So...breakfast?"
"Sure."
"Great," he says, and walks in my bedroom door, with a hand slapped over his eyes. "You decent?"
"Leed!" I scream, pulling the covers up to my chest. I don't know why, I'm basically wearing yoga clothes.
He stops, his hand still over his eyes. "Oh, can I come in or are you naked?"
"No, I am not naked. And you are already in." I giggle.
"Not by a long shot," he fake-groans. I can't help laughing at him. I have no idea why I am not offended by his constant sex jokes, but he's just so damn funny about it.
He makes a show of peaking through his fingers. "Hmmmm...not naked, but cute as hell. Like your hair all messy like that. That's just what it's gonna look like when I get my hands all up in it...when we make out. Tell, me...do you have make out rules? Do you smooch a little if the second date goes well? Or wait until the third? Cause I don't know about girls with rules, but if you got 'em, I'll play by 'em. Or is it more of a play it by ear thing in your book? A quality time thing? Do I get any credit for all the time I've already put in? Because I've basically got five years in the bank, you know..." He's fingering the bracelets and beads hanging on my decorative jewelry organizer, on my open closet door. He pulls a sandalwood mala from the rack. "Hey can I borrow this?"
I can't help grinning at him like a loon, just like I couldn't help laughing seconds ago. The things he says are sometimes goofy and sometimes outrageous, but he's so funny and real. Not like so many men I've known, who are so smooth and so gentlemanly at first, but it's all just an act. So many men have only shown me who they really are when they have leverage over me.
Leed seems perfectly at ease with who he is. He likes to have fun. And apparently he thinks all the sexy stuff is fun. If he's not having it, he's going to have fun talking about it. He seems so...genuine. I really hope this is the real him. I can't be with another guy who twists my arm behind my back once I've let down my defenses.
I throw back the covers, crawl out the end of the bed, and take the mala from him. "So many questions. Hmmmmm...so the answers would be...I'm more into guidelines than rules these days. And I could probably be up for a little...what did you call it?"
"Smooching," he grins.
"Smooching," I smile back at him. "Even on a first date, if I felt comfortable with the date in question." I take a deep breath and look up into his gorgeous hazel eyes. "You have more credit with me than you could possibly know, Leed."
He smiles and touches my cheek. I wrap the mala around his wrist several times, adjusting it to hang evenly. "And yes, you can have the prayer beads. They are the ones I used in rehab, but I can get a new one."
He shakes his head, pulls it off his wrist fingering the beads. "I thought maybe it was just jewelry. I didn't know you actually meditated with it. Do you believe a mala stores the energy of your intentions over time?"
"I don't know, but I like it wearing it after I use it to meditate. It's definitely a reminder of my intentions."
"Then I would never take that from you." He puts the mala over my head, gently centering the tassle on my chest without a single insinuation about my boobs, which are...kind of evident in this thin camisole. "So," he grabs my hand, leading me down the stairs. "I brought breakfast with...but if you don't like it, I already checked your refrigerator and I'll whip you up some eggs. Or some avocado toast? Do you like avocado toast? You should really lock your back door, by the way..."
He's literally dragging me down the stairs in his breakfast excitement. I slip on the bottom two steps and tumble into him with a screech. He catches me by twisting and pulling me into his side.
"Jesus, sorry, sorry! You okay?" he asks.
I put my hands over my eyes. "I'm not sure. You are...a lot...you know that, right? Just...slow down a little, okay?"
He takes a deep breath. "I probably shouldn't have skipped yoga this morning."
"Why did you skip?" I ask.
He grins. "Took an extra long shower. Thought about you a lot. Wanna hear how it went?"
I blush. Flirtation is one thing, but I'm not sure I'm ready to hear Leed's fantasies. "Eventually. What's for breakfast?" I say brightly.
Leed's idea of breakfast is kale-pineapple-banana-chia-seed smoothies. He brought Kat one, too, but she and Trace have their competitive break of dawn 10k running thing, before she goes to class. He's trying to prove he's much better than her old boyfriend, with the whole I'll-be-your-trainer-baby thing, and Kat...well Kat says she just likes to stare at his ass for the first eight kilometers or so, so she lets him set the pace before bringing the heat to try to smoke him at the last.
He mostly wins the races according to his triumphant crowing when they enter panting and sweating. I think she mostly lets him. Whatever works, I guess.
I explain to Leed why Kat is not here, as we drift out to the patio and sit in the low cushioned chairs. I'm a little cool in my camisole, so I wrap in a throw that I left out here.
"More power to 'em," Leed is saying about Kat and Trace's run. "God, I hate to run."
"Me too," I smile. I used to like it, but it gives me headaches now. "I like to hike, though. Trace and I used to hike in the canyons behind your neighborhood."
"Yeah, I remember that. I'd see you two down there from the yoga studio in the mornings," he says softly. We sit in silence, listening to the soft sounds of balmy Southern California. The rustle of leaves that never drop in winter, the sounds of birds that migrate here, the soft tings of our wind chimes. I watch Leed's countenance ease from playful into thoughtful as he tips his head onto the chair back, lays a hand on his flat stomach, and kicks a boot over knee.
"You and Trace," Leed says abruptly, without looking at me. "It wasn't all bad, was it? Cause if you tell me it was mostly like last night..."
"No. It was bad when I would start using again, and lie and hide, but it wasn't bad at all, when I was trying to stay sober. Sometimes it was awkward, or weird when Kat came up in conversation, but mostly it was just...normal. Just like when we were growing up...only he was living a little closer-- on the other side of the house instead of next door. I have known him since I was six years old, you know. He acts tough, but he doesn't intimidate me. He just...irritates me sometimes. And he feels the same way about me. We really are more like brother and sister than I ever realized before..." I sip the smoothie and he watches me.
He swallows heavily. "Good. I'm glad you aren't intimidated by him. So...can I ask you one personal question? You can tell me if I'm out of bounds..."
"Shoot." I figure it's going to be about my addiction, but he surprises me. "You and Trace, really never...ever? He made it known in the band that it wasn't like that...but...you were married."
I laugh. "It wasn't like that."
"It wouldn't bother me if you had..." he says quickly. "It's just...I'm just trying to figure out how you guys...didn't. Trace has a high drive, and he's a decently made guy, and you are gorgeous in every way. Seems like it would be kinda hard, for two hotties like you to share space and not...take advantage of the obvious benefits of being married."
"It's not that hard to live platonically in a house with a woman, is it?" I tease him.
For the first time, Leed blushes. "I guess I walked right into that one. No, it's not hard for me to live with Tam like that, but...well, to be blunt, the...sexy vibe is totally gone. Not just because she's got a superhero husband, or because of Ollie being around,either. I've forgiven Tam for lying to me...but that way I used to see her? The...desire...I had for her? It's gone, and I missed it for awhile, but it ain't ever coming back. She would really rather Ben be Ollie's father, you know. I can't say I blame her, but at the same time, you don't exactly crave a woman that regrets you fathering her child. It just kills the primal feelings, I guess. That's not to say I don't feel soft for her...she is Ollie's mom and it kinda gets me, seeing them together, but I never think about her like the old days."
"That's good to know." I say, softly. "Thank you for explaining that."
"No sweat, Sunshine. I figured we'd have to get down to that, sooner or later. So you gonna tell me how it was, with you and Trace? Cause he told us nothing, except that he married you to help you and the marriage was strictly for legal protection. Mac still doesn't believe you guys didn't sleep together on and off, you know."
I laugh. "That's because Mac is a Maneater."
Leed kicks his legs up on the table and slurps. "Right. You didn't chew you way through Trace, huh?"
"Well, it's hard to drum up sexy feeling when you really truly always have a headache. But if that wasn't enough, there was all the shared history between us. I knew what he was like with Kat, he knew what I was like with Cam, we both knew we weren't that. For him, our marriage was only a way of trying to fix what happened to me. I guess it was more of a very selfish rebound thing, on my part. You probably remember how it all came about, better than I do. You were at the club the night Trace took me to Vegas, weren't you? I remember seeing you there...at least early. I don't remember much, later."
Leed looks at me then, his face morphing into sadness. "Ashlynn, we talked a lot that night. You were already flying, baby. I talked to you for a long time. I asked you to come to the floor with me and dance. You asked me for a line. I told you I didn't have any coke or pills to crush. You didn't want my weed. I would have given it to you then, to get you away from the douche promoter, but you waved me off. I talked to you some more. I thought maybe I was going to get you on the dance floor. Then Trace came over and started arguing with you, and you walked away from us both. You went and sat on that asshole's lap and snorted from his spoon, right there in the VIP. I was...angry. Angry at Trace because he busted in and pissed you off, when I almost had you convinced to hang with me, angry that I couldn't move you from the guy with the coke. I left, but before I did, I told Trace, he needed to see about his girl-next-door, or you were going to end up dead, and it was going to be on his head."
Chills flood my spine crawling around my ribs, and I pull my blanket around me tighter. Another person I wronged, when I was high. More amends I have to make. How many more dumb things did I do, that I don't remember?
"I'm very sorry, Leed. I'm sure I did those things. I just don't remember. Thank you, for trying to help me. I'm so sorry I couldn't accept it then."
He looks at the sky. "It's okay. Nothing to apologize for. It was your pain and your path, baby. I don't understand why. I'm just sorry you had to walk it."
We sit in silence. Finally, he prompts me again. "So, life with Trace..."
"When I realized he was serious about Vegas, I knew what I was getting into. A loveless marriage with a guy that was waiting to fall into grown-up love with my little sister. But I also knew, he wouldn't walk away like Cam did. Not if we actually went to Vegas. Because I know Trace. He is stronger than Cam. So strong. His own pain has made him that way, you know."
"I know a little," Leed says, nodding.
"Well, then you know loyalty is his thing, right? And I was right. He worked so hard for months and months to help me get on a drug regimen that was for pain and not abuse. Sent me to three rehabs. Then I was doing okay for awhileâwith him monitoring my pain prescriptions like a sobriety partner. Then we got along...too well. Suddenly we were hiking together, cooking together, watching movies together, online shopping together. There was no...chemistry, but we were starting to act like really old married people or something. I was never in love with him, I just...I was so grateful that he was trying to help me, and I was getting better, and I had an actual friend again, I wanted to care for him, to give something back to him. But me being too nice to him, doing things wives doâlike making his coffee or ordering him a new sonic toothbrush when his diedâit started to get to him, as it became more and more normal. Us getting along made him miss Kat even more. I guess you've noticed, Kat and I look alike."
He smiles. "Yeah, I've noticed that. One honey and one caramel."
"Yeah," I smile. "Well, I think I started to enjoy taking care of him and he started to enjoy...stealing looks at me and pretending I was Kat, there with him. The one day, we fell asleep on the couch watching tv. We slept there all night. In the morning, I woke up and he was holding me. I just laid in his arms, because it felt nice. No one had touched me like thatâwarmly, innocentlyânot since Cam. Not in more than a year and half. Then I realized, he wasn't holding me. He was pretending I was Kat. I tensed, the moment slid away, but everything was different, after that. I felt guilty; he felt guilty. He shut me out completely, and I won't lie, that really hurt my feelings. Not because I was in love with him, but because it was really hard for me to accept that someone you thought cared for you could completely shut you out, without even talking about what happened. So I...left, and used drugs to deal with that hurt too. I would only come home when I ran out of money at that point. Then there came a time...six months...when I was in a different situation, and I didn't need his money. I got out of that situation, and I needed his help again, and that's what led me to Atlanta, last summer, on the tour. A few days after that, I had the car accident in Tennessee, and you know everything from there. That's the whole of our marriage.I was so desperate for somebody to help me, I married Trace. I didn't have the tools to help myself. Not until you led me to them," I smile at him.
"I'm so fucking glad I did, but it's all your victory, Ashlynn. You take care of yourself every day, not me."
"I know, but I'm still grateful. Leed...I...I don't know where I would be right now, if you hadn't taken the time to care."
He reaches for my hand. His touch floods me with energy that is somewhere between stinging overwhelm and pleasure. He feels it too; his fingers tense on me and then he releases me, shaking his head and sitting up straight, like a man trying to right himself.
He looks at me like he's terrified. On him, confusion is beautiful and sweet. Then he shakes his head and the terror is gone. A slow, evil grin spreads, making him more gorgeous.
Yeah. The moment was too much. Leed needs to play. I could use a little lightness, too.
"Well, if you're that grateful, I can think of a few ways to show your appreciation," he drawls.
I throw a chair cushion at him and then another. "Kidding! Jesus! Kidding!" He bats them away.
Leed rises, and stalks the patio. "We done with the serious talk stuff for now?" he asks.
I love the way he does that...how he asks me what I like, how I feel, what I want. Most guys with as much power as Leed don't ask. They tell. He's so different.
"I'm good," I tell him with a smile. I can't stop smiling around this guy.
"Me too," he says decidedly and begins to experiment with the sounds on our wind chimes. A delighted look claims his faceâI'm coming to learn that this is his bright-idea look, and he rushes back inside, returning with a wooden spoon. He works out the melody to the Ice Cream song he was singing earlier. It takes him five tries to remember the chime sequence, and he curses like a sailor every time he taps the wrong chime. He's even funny when he's irritated. Finally he drags the patio table over to the wind chimes and gets above them as he tells me, "Okay, I'm gonna fucking crush this. We're laying it down this time. Get your phone ready to record this, Ash."
"Front men. Always thinking of the best angle for their photo op."
He blows me a kiss on his middle finger. "Shut-up and shoot me, Sunshine."
He's is so frickin adorable, standing up there on the table beating wind chimes with a wooden spoon, giving me the Lion gaze, and singing into his smoothie straw. This time, however, he changes the lyrics to...Your love is better than Sunshine.
I have to put a hand over my mouth so I don't "awwww" and ruin the video of his performance. When he finishes I slap my phone down and drop to my knees in front of him like I'm a fangirl in a pit, throwing my hands up like I'm trying grasp at his legs. "Leed! Leed Lawson! Oh my god! Leed. I love you! Leed! Leed! Oh god, I'm dying at the sight of you!!!"
Leed shoves the wooden spoon his back pocket and reaches down with one hand. "Well normally I don't bring my fangirls on stage, but..." he hauls me on top of the table. He tips his smoothie straw to me like a microphone and gestures out to the empty patio. "But you are just something special. Pure Sunshine. Tell the crowd how much fun you are having right now. You are shining in the spotlight, Sunshine."
I lean forward to the straw. "So much fun, Leed. Not as much fun as later," I hollow my cheeks as I take his straw in my mouth and suck in exaggeration.
The energy shifts again. His fingers tense on my back.
"Goddamn," he says hoarsely. "Here I thought you were all about being a good girl."
I let go of the straw. "I'm trying to be. But I can be good and still be good to you, can't I?" I murmur.
Leed has me wrong. I have my hang-ups, and some anxieties about actual sex, yes. I don't want meaningless sex, no. But I'm no innocent. If he really wants to be in a relationship with me, I can't think of anything I would like more than taking care of him...putting some of the things I've learned in the last few years to a much better use pleasuring a guy I trust and care about than to empty appeasement of horrible men I partied with. Sometimes for their drugs. Other times to keep them from hurting me.
I don't want to think about them. I only want to think about what I want, right now.
I want this guy. I want to make him happy. I want him to help me be happy, too. A little at a time.
Leed is speechless from my insinuation. I take another sip of his drink. With all the lips and eyes and sighs.
He takes a long slow cleansing breath. "Fuck me. Baby you've got to stop that, before we get carried away," he whispers, but his hand roams my back,creeping toward the base of my spine.
I tilt the cup to him, "Want some?" I tease.
"Ashlynn," he whispers, and our faces our drawing near. Yeah, I don't think we are going to make it to that magical moment kiss he's wanting us to wait for. This seems pretty magical to me. I tilt my head up and smile at him.
"Fuck me," he says again and he bends down andâ
The patio gate crashes open and Trace comes falling through it backwards "In.Your.Face.Kitty!" he yells in triumph, raising a fist. She pushes him the rest of the way into the patio and up against the privacy fence, throwing her lips on his. He immediately flips her around on the fence and resumes kissing her, pulling her leg up around his hip. She grabs his other ass-cheek.
"God, I love you so fucking much. You are so fierce. Also I think I pulled a hamstring. You gotta stop killing me out there," he says between furious kisses.
"You could just admit that I'm faster, but I love you, anyway. More every day," she pants as she fights to get her tongue in his mouth and he fights to push her head against the fence and attack her neck.
"Love me right here, right now, okay? Nobody will see, and Ash is gone to yoga, right?" he wheedles.
"No, you stink. Shower sex is a better idea than patio sex."
She pushes him away. That's when she sees me and Leed, standing on the coffee table, beside the wind chimes, his hand on my ass, both our heads cocked, watching them like the sex freaks they are. "Anyway, the patio is taken," she says giving us the chin tip.
Trace whips around. He stares us up and down, indignantly. "What the hell are you two doing?"
I pull the spoon from Leed's pocket and demonstrate. "Playing the wind chimes."
"Right," Trace looks at me suspiciously. "I thought you guys were just friends. Leed said no F-and-F, no friends with benefits." he says. "How come he always has his damn hand on your backside?"
Leed massages my spine. "Yoga at the level Ashlynn practices is very demanding. She gets tension in her muscles that needs to be worked out. Being a yogi myself, I understand her needs." He winks at me.
"That's some bullshit right there." Trace snorts. "Friends don't use other friends' asses as handrests."
"Decent ass rock stars don't coax their girlfriends into public fuckery," Leed shoots back. "I've talked my way past security into this neighborhood twice in two days. You think a pap couldn't shoot you sexing Kat over this fence?"
Trace looks extremely irritated at Leed's challenge.
Kat give me the do-something look. It's a look I suspect we will be giving each other a lot when it comes to these two alpha males.
I pick up my phone. "Fuck!" I say. Not because the situation really warrants it, but when I use the f-word, it tends to get people's attention. Either because it's so rare, or because I sound ridiculous using it, I'm not sure.
With both these lunatic rock stars staring at me, I spew my mildly true crisis. "I'm late for my masterclass at Ravi's studio. I've never been late before."
"It's okay. I brought the Ferrari. Get you there in five. Move!" Leed is hauling me out the gate, like a comet streaking through the sky.
"I'll pick you up for lunch!" Trace yells.
"Bring me some clothes! And a toothbrush! Kat...!!!" I plea for help, because there is no stopping a lion in motion.
"I got you!" Kat yells.
Hmmm. I'm interested to see what Trace has to say to Ash at lunch, one on one, free from his concerns about Kat and Leed's reactions. I think Kat and Ash will also have an interesting girls night!
Please comment/vote/list/follow! I really appreciate the support!