Song for this chapter is Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. So good for the Savasana Lash takes in their yoga practice in the last half of the chapter!
Let's see how Ashlynn handles her craving for a fix...
Ashlynn
There aren't many people in the early afternoon meeting. I go last, introducing myself, making the statement about being an addict, and how long I've been sober, and for a few minutes I fumble with why I'm there, but eventually I just tell the truth.
I'm having a bad day.
The worst I've had in a while.
I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm hurting.
I don't like feeling bad things.
I would rather feel nothing at all.
I want a pill, or a bowl, or maybe even a line, to make me stop feeling bad things.
Talking about it doesn't make the hurt go away.
It doesn't take the craving away either.
But looking around the room at the seven other people that know exactly I feel? All of them who have just told me they have far more time sober than me?
Their silent strength sharpens my resolve.
I'm not going to use drugs today.
When I leave the meeting, Leed is sitting in his giant silver SUV, exactly where I left him. I climb in and he puts his phone down, pulling my sunglasses from my face, observing me with an unreadable expression.
"How's your headache?"
"Better," I lift the water I drank in the meeting. "You were right, it's not a migraine. No aura, no nauseau..."
"Still hate me?" he asks casually.
I take his hand. "I didn't. I don't. Thank you, for coming after me. For bringing me here."
"And the rest? Cam? The hurt?" he asks.
"I don't know. I still feel sad."
"Still want to use?"
"Yes, but I'm not going to. Not today."
"Good." He nods and throws the truck into drive, pulling out into traffic.
After a few minutes, he reaches over and wraps his fingers in mine on the console. He makes a weary, frustrated sound. "I'm sorry he left you when you were sick. I can't understand that, and I can't imagine how much that hurt you."
I look over at him, his profileâso perfect, so composed, but the sound he made...tells me the truth. There was pain in that troubled sigh. This Lion that stalks and roars and wears his sexy pride like an armor? He might have the softest heart of anyone I know. He's hurting for me. It touches me on a level I can't explain. A warmth unfurls in me, flows to where our hands are twined together, returns to my center ten times more powerful.
I don't want to talk about Cam with Leed, but I want Leed to understand me. It feels...important.
"It's not quite that simple. After my accident, Cam was there for me. Every day for months and months. I wasn't getting any better and I knew it. The worst part of it was...I felt like I was holding him hostage. My parents basically let him move in, because he was the only one that could get me out of bed at all. He didn't go to his last semester of college, because of me. He did independent studies to graduate and he did all the work, sitting in my room while I slept or watched tv with subtitles turned on, because the sound made my head hurt. He was nearly as much of a zombie as I was, except he didn't have to live like that. I hated what my condition was doing to him. Of course, I told him he should goâbreak up with me, forget about me. He would promise me that was not going to happen. He told me I was going to get better, I was going to finish Duke, then we were going to get married and wherever he did his residency, I would go to med school, just like we always planned. I knew it was all a fantasy at that point. I was already starting to abuse my prescriptions and I realized, when I took too much, I could be cruel to him and not care about it. So I was. I tried to push him away. I was hateful and bitter, and he started to lose patience with me. Until eventually he realized why I was so mean, and he tried all over again to save me. He tried to get me help. He tried to convince my parents that my pain management was making me an addict and that my personality changes were tied to my addiction. He refused to give up. So I took even more drugs, and completely numbed out. Nothing he did or said could move me then, no matter how much he begged or cried. He begged me to stop taking so many pills, because he was afraid I was going to overdose. I ignored him and chose the pills. One night, he told me his worst fear was waking up next to me dead. I told him he already did that every morning. He rolled me over, kissed me for the first time in months, pleaded with me to feel it, feel anything, and I just lay there and let him try to kiss me and cry. I think that's the night I broke him. The night he knew he would leave."
"I guess he wasn't such an asshole," Leed's voice is quiet.
"I broke his heart then, but I kept using drugs so he couldn't break mine. Even this time, getting clean...I had this belief that I couldn't remember being in love with him because of my brain damage, but the whole time...I was just in denial. Blocking the memories so I didn't have to feel the pain I ran from for so long."
Leed nods slowly. "And today...was like...a flash flood of feelings. You were drowning in the reverb."
"Yeah, that's right." I cock my head at him. "Leed...why don't you write lyrics?"
He gives me a quick look and an embarrassed smile. "I write them. I just don't put them out to the guys. They are not really Soundcrush. Not filled with all the theater and pomp and metaphor of Trace and Mac's songs. They are personal...from the heart, you know?"
That doesn't surprise me. I'm beginning to realize, there's a lot more to Leed Lawson than his adoring fans ever see.
We arrive at his houseâa long, low, mid-century modern shaped like a analog "3", with lower levels on the outer wings. He pulls into the garage, but even after we turn off the car, he just sits, looking at our intertwined hands. He seems fascinated as he strokes his thumb over mine. He opens his mouth, shuts it, and shakes his head.
"What?"
"No, you'll laugh at me."
"I won't. I promise." I tell him.
He stretches his fingers, pushing the tips of his against the tips of mine, so that our hands are flat together. "I have never held hands before. Not for real. Not unless it was a photo-op on a red carpet, or for a video or something."
"What?" I whisper, watching our hands as he folds his fingers in the clefts of mine again and squeezes experimentally. I hold back the snicker I just promised to contain. "Leed...how...how did you miss that? I bet every girl in school was chasing you. You had to be the hottest cat that ever stalked a high school hallway."
He rolls his eyes and makes the cutest grin. "Not by a long shot. I had bad skin and frizzy hair and I was a little...chubby."
"No," I whisper in mock horror.
"Yes," he whispers back. "Finally, my mom grabbed hold of my diet one summer when I had a growth spurt. The organic, vegan thing took care of the acne and the softness. Still had bad hair, thoughâuntil Tam started slathering it with products when I was seventeen. After that...I got the tats, hit the gym, faked the confidence," he slings a hand down his frame, "and a star-slash-sex-fiend was born. But I skipped the sweet and innocent stuff."
I bite my lip, not sure I want to ask, but unable to stop myself. "I didn't realize you met Tam so young. I thought you met her later, through Bodie."
"Naw, met her first. She...was, you know."
"Was what?" I'm not following.
He gives me an impatient brow furrow. "My first. Thought I was king of the world, getting with a twenty-one year old woman like that."
"Oooooohhhhh," I say. Well that explains a lot. Why she always treats him like a puppy...and why he lets her.
There is an awkward pause. To fill it, I rush in with. "Cam."
"Your first, you mean?"
I nod. "We were talking on the phone and at school since I was thirteen. But of course my parents wouldn't actually let us date then. They started allowing us to date when I was fifteen, and he's two years older than me, so things went kind of fast from there...but he did hold my hand," I tease Leed.
He snickers. "Yeah, Tam wasn't really the hand holding type." He gets another evil grin. "She was too busy holding myâ"
I lean over and blare the horn loudly to cover his word and he throws his head back and laughs. "You're really cute, how shy you are." He leans closer. "I kinda want to kiss you. Is that cool?"
"You're asking?" I tease him. "You've already stealth kissed me twice today."
"The first was just to tease you, the second was to shock and make you stop slapping at me. I want to kiss you way differently than those. If I kiss you, I want it to be sweet and slow and perfect. Like a first kiss."
"Didn't we have a first kiss?" I murmur.
"You kissed me, and it was great. Hot as hell and feverish and I was mostly putting my hands all over your gorgeous bod and grabbing that fine ass and reminding myself not rip your clothes off. But I wasn't really thinking about the kiss. Didn't we decide to start over, and do things right?" He's playing with my braid, brushing the tip of it on my chin and nose. Suddenly he drops the braid and looks around. "Wait. No. I don't want to kiss you again yet. Not here, in my garage. Not now. Not when we are talking about Tam and you're broken up over Cam. That ain't magic, that's...rash. I've got a way better plan." He spreads into a goofy grin and bites his knuckle, like he's got a secret or something. "I'm gonna need an extension on that raincheck."
"Again?!?!" I groan.
"Yeah," he says decidedly. "It just doesn't feel...right, quite yet, does it?"
He's still holding my hand. That feels pretty right, but I do see his point. Seconds ago we were talking about Tam and Cam. Maybe it's not the day to jump in.
"How long do you want to extend your raincheck?" I ask. "It's already been two months, you know..."
"Depends."
"On what?" I'm expecting him to say it depends on figuring things out with Tamara. He hasn't said anything about their living situation, but I'm dying to know what's going on with that.
Like usual, Leed's response surprises me.
"On Sawyer, the state of Georgia, several unknown variables and one very important question that I don't expect you to answer today, or next week, or maybe even next month..."
I giggle at his ludicrous answer. "What?"
He mistakes my meaning. "The question? The question will be...do you still feel broken up over your ex?"
The bubbles threatening more giggles die. "Oh. Wow." I look at Leed amazed. "Wow, I guess I hadn't really thought that there would be a day when I don't. I thought it was just a new burden to live with."
Leed winces like he's in pain. "Christ, Sunshine. The things you say...they hurt. I want to take all that pain away...day by day. Just wanna make you feel good."
I look at our hands again. "Leed, I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be a person you have to take care of. You have Ollie and Tam and Mac and Bodie and all of SCIC..."
"Burden?" he says with mock shock. "I'll have you know, I'm doing this all for strictly selfish reasons. I'm one hundred percent certain you've got the Pearly Gate down there, baby. Angels are gonna sing when I finally convince you to let me sink my rock hard, throbbingâ"
I blare the horn again.
He's pushing my hands away and shouting "Into your hot, tight, creamyâ"
I lunge for the horn again and lay on it.
"Okay, okay," he pulls me off the horn. "Christ woman, you are going to have the neighbors calling the cops on us."
I leave my hand above the horn in threat. "Are you done running your potty mouth?"
"Not quite." He grabs me and sticks his tongue in my ear. Waggles it like a gross, burrowing worm.
"Ewwwwwww!" I shriek, scuttling away from him and practically falling out the door of the SUV. "That was so gross!" I yell at him, rubbing at my ear.
He hops out and edges around the front of the car. "Naw, actually your ear was really clean. C'mere, baby...I still don't feel done using my potty mouth..." I feel a little panicked and I edge back. No way is he getting his tongue in my other ear. He lunges for my hand. I shriek.
Sawyer interrupts Leed chasing me into the next garage bay, around his Porsche. "What the hell?" he says.
"Hi Sawyer," I say as I dash behind him up the garage steps and down the open, mid-century stairs to the yoga studio.
Leed is hot on my heels as I kick off my shoes and skid across the highly polished walnut floor. I take refuge behind his giant rock with trilobite fossils. "Leedâ" I put out my hands to him. "This is a sacred space...you wouldn't dare mess with me here!"
"Fine. Truce?" he holds out a hand to me.
"Swear? On your karma."
He rolls his eyes and turns his hand up like an oath. "I swear on my karma I will not stick my tongue in your ear. Either one."
"Okay," I step from behind the statue to shake. Leed immediately pulls me into a deep backdip, pressing his mouth against my ear, the barest breath of laughter teasing it. "You swore," I hiss.
"I know. But here's another oath. I swear, there will come a day when you will lay easy in my arms and let me put my tongue anywhere I want. Love it. Beg for it. Crave it when I'm not with you."
My heart is beating fast. When he says things like that, it terrifies and intrigues me. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for his wicked threats to become pleasure in the flesh. My sins have never felt that good.
"Well, I'd prefer you start with the standard stuff...maybe putting it in my mouth? And you said today was not that day..." I remind him.
"I did, didn't I?" He raises me slowly, sliding his hand up my back, holding my hip. Then he releases me.
"Since we are here?" He bows at me, to indicate the beginning of a yoga practice.
I return the bow. "Yes, please." The truth is...despite our flirtations and confessions, the sorrow in my chest is still crawling up my spine, begging my brain for a chemical relief. I won't give in, but I could use a natural high, to reset the craving. The dopamine release from yoga is as good of a natural high as I have ever felt.
"Yoga it is. Want me to call Ravi and see if he can come over?"
I shake my head decidedly. I just started my work with Ravi two weeks ago. It's demanding and I'm definitely not feeling up to the concentration required for a masterclass. Plus, I don't want to admit to him that I'm craving a fix. He knows my background, but I'm not that comfortable with him yet. "Can we just do a fun practice?" I ask.
"I'm all about the fun, Sunshine," he tells me, halfway up the stairs. "Let me change. I'll have Sawyer bring your bag down and you can change in the bathroom down here."
I haven't been in Leed's house in a long time. Once he's gone, I take time to admire the beautiful studioâthe gleaming walls of glass, the polished floor, the colorful ceiling tapestries that drape and flow like an ocean, the impressive array of rocks and crystals on floating shelves along the back wall, the meditation altar with a smaller array of itemsâincense, singing bowls, statues. I wonder if Leed collected all this himself. It seems too personal for a decorator.
Sawyer trots down the stairs with my bag. "Long time no see, Ashlynn," he says, casually handing it over. "Leed said to ask what you want for dinner. We don't have his normal stock, because he hasn't been here in months."
"Can you call the Thai place he likes and have them deliver the Veggie Pad Thai but with the zucchini noodles? I like that too. Oh, and do you mind running out for some ice cream? Keto Chocolate for him, I'm sure, but I feel like...I need the real deal today. Haagan-Dazs. Chocolate Peanut Butter. Not the tiny sample one. The pint."
"Wow. That's crazy," Sawyer says. "Are you on your period or something?"
"Don't ask her shit like that," Leed yells down the stairs. "She doesn't talk to random dudes about her period." Leed rolls down the stairs, looking ridiculously hot, wearing more tats than clothes.
Sawyer raises his hands. "Fine, I was just thinking of her needs. If she's staying overnight...she might need Midol and stuff. That's my job, to anticipate your needs."
"I'm not staying, and I'm all good, thanks," I smile at Leed's weirdo Adam-look-alike PA. It always freaks me out how he's so not like Adam in personality. He's not a bad guyâI've seen much worseâhe's just...LA. If I'd asked him for a line of coke, he wouldn't have batted an eye. Asking for a pint of fattening ice cream raises alarm bells.
He shrugs and trudges up the stairs. "Thank you, Sawyer." I call after him.
Leed stares at me suspiciously. "A pint of Haagen-Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter? Are you on your period?"
"Shut-up," I growl as I turn on my heel and head to the bathroom.
He follows me. "It's a legitimate question, coming from me. I'm not a random dude."
I whirl. "You're not? What are you then?"
He wets his lips and crosses his arms over his bare chest. "Well...I'm...a guy who is...planning to......take you out. On a date. When the time's right. And you'd probably prefer not to go on a first date with cramps and period issues bringing down the fun. So I should put it on my calendar and plan accordingly."
"You're crazy, you know that, right?" I slam the door in his face.
"Is that a yes?" Leed bangs on the door. "We are gonna have to talk about this slamming door habit of yours. You've been doing it all day. It's not nice, Sunshine, and it seems real out of character for you, which makes me suspect that either you are on your period or you picked up this bad habit from living with Trace. Either way it hurts my feelings and affronts my third eye chakra, you know..."
I jerk open the door. "It affronts your third eye chakra?"
He puts a hand up, swirling between his brows. "Yeah, makes me feel all disgruntled and...stung. You don't want that kind of karma, messing with my head, when we are trying to keep yours healthy, right?"
I can't help but smile. "Are you serious, Leed? When I shut the door on you, it really stings your third eye?
"Yeah, I'm serious," he shrugs. "I know it sounds weird..."
I reach up and smooth between his brows, and make my confession. "It does, but no weirder than the fact that I crave a fix more when I'm on my period."
He smiles in victory. "Aha. Now we are getting somewhere. Let's have it then...the whole period story."
I groan and bury my face in his chest. "Leed..."
"Ashlynn. Come on. I have a sister. And a baby-mama. It's no big deal."
"Fine," I speak rapidly into his chest. "I'm much more likely to have a headache I can't get rid of during my period and even worse ...when something sets me off emotionally, I crave a fix. That's pretty much the only time. Starting three days before my period and the first two days, I want drugs, okay? I started my period today, so today has been a perfect storm of bullshit and the worst craving I've had since detox."
Leed's arms go around me. "That sucks. I'm sorry. Have you talked to Ravi or your acupuncturist about this?"
"No, are you kidding me?" I whisper in horror. "They'll probably just say I'm imagining it or something."
"I don't think you are imagining it, and you should think about talking to them about it."
"Can we please just do yoga? I don't want to talk about my period with you. Ever again."
"You're so uptight, you know that, baby?" he laughs at me. "It's gonna be so much fun to unwind you."
I step backward into the bathroom, leaving the outer door open, so as not to affront his third eye. I unlatch the drapes in the interior, drawing them closed so I can dress in private. He laughs. "Thank you," he calls. "And I love that you know I like pad thai with zucchini noodles. And chocolate keto ice cream. You were paying attention, all those nights we ordered food and hung out in Trace's studio. Tell me the truth...you were hot for me sometimes while you were married to Trace, weren't you? It's okay to admit you were thinking of me in your lonely bed at night, taking his ring off and using that pretty hand to pretend I was with you..."
Oh my lord. He will say anything. Even if sometimes he hits on the exact horrible dirty secret truth...does he have to say it?
"What? I can't hear you..." I call. "I'm pretty sure I'm getting an ear infection from you sticking your filthy tongue in my ear..."
He crows. "That's a yes."
I fling back the curtain, stalk out into the yoga studio, roll out a mat and bend into downward dog. I'm staring at him upside down and he's staring at my ass.
I smirk. If he can torture me with words, I can torture him with poses. I drop to my knees and bend backwards, placing my hands behind me in a half backbend, exposing my neck and chest to him.
"Fuck, that's not funny," he says.
I rise and push back into child's pose, making my ass his view again, before undulating forward into high cobra.
"Yeah," he says. "I get your point. Two can play the teasing game."
I giggle, but then I flip around and sit in sukasana. "Are we gonna do this for real, or what?"
He drops down in front of me and puts his hands together. He watches me with vivid eyes and I know it's dangerous to ask what intention he's setting.
Without a word, he straightens his legs and gestures for me to do the same. Our feet pressed together, he grasps my wrists, pulling me forward into a deep stretch. I do the same for him. Then we turn to the side and stretch each other in side bends. From there, Leed coaches me through a series of familiar seated and floor poses but modified to accommodate a partner. Always touching, always pushing each other's bodies.
Our practice becomes increasingly intimate, our bodies bearing each other's weight, our hands sliding more familiarly over each other, and our trust in each other's balance growing with each pose.
Yoga always raises my buzz, but sharing space with Leed like this...it's incredible. I've never felt so in tune with anyone as with Leed after a simple but thorough forty-five minutes of partner yoga. I thought we were ending with a back to back mediation pose, but after about five minutes, Leed swivels, pressing his chest to my back, opening his legs wide, whispering "savasana" in my ear, encouraging me to lie back on top of him as he slowly lowers his spine to the floor. He draws me fully on top of him, his legs slightly bent to make room for mine between his. He wraps his arms beneath mine, atop my rib cage.
It feels slightly awkward at first, to lay fully atop him, my back to his chest, my butt resting in the hollow of his hips, the seam of my legs hovering atop his groin, but he's not aroused. I guess he's too relaxed for that, but I'm having a little more difficulty with my zen. Images of flipping over and kissing him, rubbing on him until he's hard fill my mind.
My breath hitches and I arch my back, but that has the unintended effect of causing the backs of my legs to press down on his groin. He moansâin pleasure I think. His hands go to my belly, gently forcing the arch in my spine flat, causing me to bend my knees slightly and give him a little more space down there.
"That's better," he murmurs. "For a girl who won't fuck a friend, you sure are a tease, Sunshine."
I turn my head into his neck. "I'm sorry. This is just...a lot. Maybe we should suvasana separately."
"No fucking way. We're getting used to each other and it feels good. Just chill, and meditate on me."
When the Lion purrs at me, it's hard not take up his suggestion.
We sink slowly into bliss together, our breathing syncing, our temperatures aligning, our energy falling to stillness.
After a long time, we hear Sawyer moving upstairs, apparently returned from his dinner run. We don't move. The sound fades; Sawyer has probably moved away to his room to give us privacy. We keep still.
I never want to move from this much contact with Leed. His surety and ease beneath me is the perfect peace.
Finally, the peace is disturbed by Leed's stomach rumbling and my giggle in response. He lifts my butt and slides me down between his legs, raising us to sitting. Slowly, he begins to massage my shoulders.
Oh god. His hands. Why does the man have to have hands built for corruption?
"How do you feel now?" he asks calmly. "Is...any of it better?"
"I feel...more at peace. Like I got a lot of perspective in a short time. It doesn't feel like Cam and I just broke up anymore."
"That feeling will probably come and go for awhile," he says. "It took me months to forgive Tamara for not telling me right away about Ollie. Every time I thought I was at peace with it, resentment would flare. I learned that healing is not a line in the sand you step across, it's a tide you wade through. But I'm sure you already know that, better than me."
"I guess I do know that, but that's a beautiful way to think of it, Leed."
He's quiet for a moment, using his hands to bend my neck forward and circling my neck vertebrae with his thumbs.
"What about your craving?" he asks softly.
"Manageable, now," I tell him. I raise my head and swivel to the side, so I can see his face. "I'm ashamed, though. That I asked you for weed. I could have ruined all my hard fought sobriety today."
He continues to rub my neck. "But you didn't. Yeah, you had a moment of weakness, but you had a shit day, and I was a part of that shit day. I pushed up in a situation I didn't understand, because jealousy crawled all over me, and I caused you pain, and I'm real sorry about that. But you know what? I fucked up, you fucked up, and somehow we got through it, right? I'm not perfect, Ashlynn. I'll do stupid impulsive shit. I'll fuck up more. I'm terrified that I'm not good for you, but for whatever reason, I can't stay away. All I can promise you, is that I will never see in you black or white. Good or bad. Addict or Ashlynn. I'm gray, baby. I'll take whatever shade you are casting, if you will try to take mine."
I take his head, bend his forehead down to my lips, and press butterfly kisses there. "I'm sorry I hurt your third eye chakra. Your intuition is beautiful, Leed."
His expression opens, almost like the way he looked when Ollie was born, but there is a heat in his eyes.
This man is pure devastation as he looks at me. I have a sudden urge to move away from him, but I don't. I stay pinned beneath his gaze and his hands, wanting just a little bit more of both.
He makes a murmuring sound and continues to massage me, his long fingers pulling down the front now, over my collarbone. He rubs a hand across the top of my chest. "Your skin is so pretty when you flush," he says. "What I don't know is...are you turned on or scared right now?"
"Both," I whisper.
"So you are scared of me."
"Not you...just..." This. Getting too close. Revealing all. The things he doesn't know. The things I don't want to explain. "Just...the newness."
"Fear is an illusion, baby. Let me show you." He bends down and presses his lips to my sternum. His lips slide across my skin like silkâpure, smooth, luxury. He's right, there's nothing to fear from his lips. They are instruments of joy, not fear. He put his fingertips on my jaw, and like he owns me, I yield my neck. He moans in approval and chooses a spot to suck tenderly.
Whoa.
This man is a rainmaker. His sucking kisses make brain rainâwarm soft summer spatter falling through my mind, washing away confusion, replacing it with glorious feeling. My hands find their way into his hair. I rake and tug hard at his shorter locks, knowing somehow without actually knowing, that he will like that.
He does. The growl that erupts from his throat against my neck electrifies my skin and races to meet the rivulets of pleasure running through me. It's nearly unbearable, the electrocutionâthe overload of sensation.
I'm caught in the thrall.
I don't even realize he's grabbed my leg and forced me to straddle him as he takes my hand and presses it to his thick member that apparently got flash hard in the last few seconds. He whispers in my ear. "I want you so fucking bad, Ash. I know you want me, too. Have you thought maybe you've got this backwards? That maybe sex is the way to make magic between us, not the other way around? I can make you forget, baby. Forget him, forget your fears, forget your cravings..."
"We can't. My period..." I murmur, still raking through his soft, thick hair.
"We can. Don't mind," he assures me, his hands breach the bottom of my yoga top, teasing upwards on bare skin.
His hands. His damn hands. Any second now, they will go too far. I'm not ready for thatâfor his surprise, for his questions. I have to get them off me before I lose my mind. We can't take this any further. This was supposed to be yoga between friends, not sex. I'm not ready for sex. Leed keeps throwing around a lot of declarations about being more than friends and dating, but they are all directed to the future. The truth is, we aren't dating, are we? I mean, I would know, if we were dating, right?
Right. So I already decided. I'm not doing...whatever this is.
I scoot backward, free of his hands. "What happened to slow? To delayed gratification? To doing it right? Earlier you didn't want to even kiss me..."
"Earlier you weren't rubbing my dick between your legs and sighing like that and yanking my hair," he counters, his eyes dark emerald green, crawling on his hands and knees toward me.
I scuttle backwards a few more feet, like an awkward crab. "Leed, I'm serious...no, not like this..."
"I hear you," he says, but he keeps coming. "No to sex. Got it."
I'm still scuttling; he's still stalking.
"Ashlynn," he growls, and I freeze, like a deer in the middle of a dark road who knows she's seconds from impact.
I'm dead. This predator is going to crash into me, and devour every little part of me. Maybe not tonight, but eventually.
He reaches me, crawls over me, presses his forehead to mine. "When we get down to thisâwhen I get shit worked out with Ben and Tam, when you've had some space to mourn your break-up, I'm gonna need one thing from you."
"What?" I whisper.
"Don't run from me. Not like this, not like you ran from Trace, not like you ran from Cameron today. I'll promise you we'll be exclusive and I'll be faithful and I'll learn to make the magic you need...but I'll need you to promise, too. No running. Not from me. Whatever scares you, we'll face together."
I collapse on the floor beneath him, and cover my face. "What about hiding in place? Is that okay?"
He laughs, gently prying my hands off my face and pulling me to my feet. "I can work around that," he says. "I think we better eat. Because I'm starving, and food will be a good substitute for my hunger," he says wryly.
We eat dinner sitting on the floor at the coffee table, looking at videos of Ollieâones he's already sent meâand he tells me details I've already heard, but I love watching him enraptured with his baby. Afterward, we take the ice cream to the couch. He abandons his keto pint and shares my sugar filled dessert. When I tease him, he says, "What? I'm eating my sexual feelings. A man can't go without any pleasure at all, you know."
"That's fair," I agree, feeding him another spoonful. He moans around the spoon, drawing it out, making the sound sexual, taking another bite, making more exaggerated sounds. I smack him on the nose with his spoon. "Shut-up. Sawyer will hear you."
He grins at me wickedly. "You're right. He might want to join in and I'm not sharing your cream with him."
"You.Are.The.Worst." I hiss, fighting the blush. It's impossible not to blush when he says dirty things to me.
I blush even more and bury my face in a pillow when I realize Sawyer is lurking in the doorway from the kitchen.
"Listen, I don't know what dark sexual fantasies you guys are trying to draw me into," he smirks, "but can one of you check your phones? Trace and Kat are blowing me up. They are amped because the front door is busted open at Kat's place and Trace says there's herb scattered all over the upstairs bathroom...and apparently some dude named Cameron is in the mix, saying Ash was upset earlier..."
"Oh my god...we left our phones in the car because of your gross tongue!" I jump up, running for the door.
Leed is still kicked back on the couch. "Tell me about my tongue a month from now. And don't stroke over a few missed phone calls, baby. Everything is fine. It doesn't matter if they get the memo in thirty seconds or sixty seconds."
I turn around. "Leed, Kat is probably freaking out! Come on, I need to go home and explain."
He pouts. "Really? It's early...we still have a lot of shit on the break-up therapy list to check off..."
I take a deep breath and return to the couch, holding out my hands to him. "I'm famous for running, remember? I don't want to make them worry. Please take me home?"
He smiles begrudgingly. "Well, since you asked so nicely."
Twenty minutes later, we are sitting on a different couch, and it's like we have entered a different world.
Or the Twilight Zone.
Trace and Kat are pacing the small space in the townhouse Kat and I share, ranting like irate parents of irresponsible teenagers who have missed curfew. Leed and I didn't make it past the initial explanations, and we haven't even gotten to the marijuana flecks that eagle eye Trace apparently spotted on the toilet seat. The hair on the back of my neck is rising as I watch the King of Beasts growing grim and deadly. I have the inevitable feeling that he's about to explode in a furious display of supremacy.
Uh-oh. Well, we all knew it would happen eventually, right? That Trace would have something to say to Leed about Ashlynn? The first round in the clash of the Soundcrush SuperTitans coming up next!