Athena
After going back home for the holidays, I never went out even once out of my aunt's house. I had become recluse, only accepting the company of Aunt Lydia, Maxie, and my friends who were all back home for winter break.
Elliot was the one who drove me back home using my Corolla. He offered to drive us both as I laid in the backseat, bawling my eyes out of the rage of feelings I had.
It was an overwhelming surge of sadness, anger, loneliness, and frustration.
I didn't know how to react to a normal breakup because the first one I had with Elliot ended on a destructive and traumatizing note.
Lately, Elliot has been kinder. Softer, even. I cried all the way home after my first disastrous semester, with Elliot occasionally checking up on me and asking if I want to stop over for food or something. We stopped at gas stations for snacks but I never took a bite out of anything he bought.
I just wanted to scream out all the pain my chest sends me every time I remember that I will no longer be able to experience that happy feeling of going home after classes to see my equally tired boyfriend sleeping soundly. Long gone are the days when I'm sad and he'll cheer me up by telling me positive affirmations; telling me how I'm all he's ever wanted and how grateful he is for me. I was mad at myself for not telling him anything of those back.
I wanted to experience those and more with him and yet, we can't.
This was my version of a slump.
It was the day after Christmas, the first one where I didn't feel the holiday cheer of people still radiating excitement even after the only day worth celebrating this time of the year. I was still pained from my separation, that I barely touched my phones these days.
I was totally out of it.
Lately, Calix, Tim, and the unusual addition of Elliot have been coming by around my house to check up on me. On how I was doing. They weren't here now. But they had been.
Viv, unfortunately, was not able to come home for the holidays. Instead, she spent it in London, where she currently studies, surprisingly, with her new boyfriend who is coincidentally, one of Owen's older brothers.
At first, I found it adorable since I did date Owen. Viv and I acted like such little girls, planning double weddings and cakes and dresses with the Watson boys, only for one of the pairings to end up in a ditch.
Anyway, I was happy for her. I really am. I'm just really unsure about me.
I don't seem to know how to be happy anymore.
It's like all the joy had been sucked out of my body, similar to what a dementor does in Harry Potter. God, Owen loves Harry Potter.
I shook my head and buried my face under the covers of my bed in attempt to forget about him. I curled up into a ball in bed, still in total shock and disbelief at what happened between me and Owen, and also about Elliot's revelation.
It's just too much to handle.
"Athena? Do you want something? I'm going to the store to buy groceries." My aunt told me as she slowly peeked by my bedroom door with her head out.
"No thanks. I'm good." I replied back as I sunk deeper in bed, snuggled in one of Owen's hoodies that he left me during high school. After all these months in my closet, it still smelled like him. Minty apples.
"Are you sure? I could get takeout from Delta's or somewhere else if you want." she said, as the door slowly swung open and Aunt Lydia walked up to me and sat by my bed, caressing my shoulder lovingly.
"I'm fine, Auntie. Don't worry about me." I muttered as I turned away from her and faced the wall side of my bed, staring at random polaroids that I stuck on there after graduation. Owen, of course, was in most of them.
His forced smiles, cheeky smirks, and awkward grins greeted me with a boundless sense of emptiness. Just looking at them made my chest tight and my heart ache.
"How could I not worry when my niece barely goes out of her room?" she asked concerningly, her dark eyebrows scrunched together anxiously.
"I'm sorry." I muttered breathily.
My chest hurt and I felt so sick, my stomach was churning inside and out, perpetually tumbling. I feel as if I'm about to choke.
God, even my voice sounds different. It cracked awkwardly and I felt my throat closing up, I was unaware that my eyes started to feel watery.
"You don't have to be. It's okay. You're allowed to be sad. I promise, you won't always feel this way." my aunt told me as she combed her fiery, red fingers over the tangles of my hair.
My chest heaved up and down and I blurrily watched Owen's navy blue hoodie on me rise and fall. Just like us.
I once felt like I was on top of the world. That first kiss, the first date, then all those smaller moments in between made me feel like I was unstoppable. Unbreakable. They felt like a beautiful indie movie set years ago when in fact, everything happened in less than three years.
I'm struggling to swallow down a still-beating heart at the quick passing of all those better days, and yet, my mind got the best of me.
I broke down.
"No, it's not. And I don't think it'll ever be." I said, with my voice trembling and shaky as I threw myself onto my aunt. She immediately enveloped her thick arms around me and laid her head atop mine, hushing me, cradling me the same way she did when my parents left.
I screamed and cried my lungs out until they hurt physically. My breathing was unstable now and I wanted everything that hurt to just shut down before it shuts me down.
"Hush, darling. Shh. It's okay. Everything will be fine." Aunt Lydia whispered in my ear as she planted a soft kiss on my forehead.
She kept massaging my back in small circles around my shoulders as I fell to her in a disheveled heap of uncontrollable tears. I was hurting. I wanted it to stop.
"IÂ really thought things would be different with him. I really did." I attempted to say beneath my gasps for air and sniffs.
"I know Thena. I know. But you have to remember that the world doesn't revolve around a single boy. You're better than that, baby."
I couldn't hold the heartbreak in much longer. I just can't.
I shot my head up at her and wiped my wet nose with the back of my hand. I don't think I'm ready to put my own snot on one of Owen's hoodies. He loved this hoodie. Well, he used to.
"Am I the problem? Do you think I'm a bad person?" I asked shakily, my voice sounding even worse than before.
It's like something stuck on the canal of my throat and I can't get it out.
"No, baby. You never were in the first place." she said as she hugged me tighter and I sobbed into her arms until her clothes were stained with my tears.
"But why did he leave me?" I heard myself say louder through my awkward chokes and gasps for air.
I hate ridiculous clichés.
Especially when it comes to relationships and now, painful break ups. I used to laugh at how desperate some people were for love, and I was naïve to it all.
Whatever people feel after a break up, no matter how cheesy or desperate they may seem, are okay. Screaming all your pain out was okay too, but remembering it all was brutal.
And damn, did it hurt.
"That boy is smart, Athena. He must've had his reasons. Whatever they are, we need to understand his side as well." she said as she hugged my head tightly and kissed it softly, scattering quick kisses across my tangles.
"I'm so lost. I tried to stop him but," I cried.
I can't continue my train of thought any longer. Simply remembering what happened that day demolished me into a thousand pieces that I don't can ever be glued together again.
"He insisted, didn't he?" Aunt Lydia asked softly, stopping her hand underneath my ear as she turned her head towards me and looked at me straight in the eye.
"How did you know?" I sniffled.
I never told my aunt what happened. I didn't even tell my parents yet. My friends were the only ones who knew about the break up and how bad it messed me up and I hated myself for not sharing what happened with the person who basically raised me to be who I am.
Or maybe, of the ghost of who I was.
I hate it so much.
Aunt Lydia distanced herself a bit from me and cleared her throat. She sighed.
"Elliot told me when the two of you came home. You were asleep and crying when he carried you in. He told me what happened, you know. For a moment, I thought that boy was up to no good but I think he's a bit different now. Maybe because of you." she said with a sad smile and a soft shrug.
I was puzzled.
"Are you implying that it was a bad idea hanging with him? Elliot?" I said as I wiped my wet nose and painful eyes with the back of my hand again. I still don't want to ruin Owen's hoodie, no matter what happened between us.
My aunt shook her head.
"No, baby. What I'm saying is, Owen has his reasons. Maybe he considered you in his decision and wanted you to take some time to settle things with Elliot first before you two go on. It's just an idea, though." she said, as she raised one arm and invited me for a hug again.
I quickly obliged and scooted quickly towards her, enveloping myself in her body heat as I wrapped my arms around her stomach and tried to think for a moment.
"But he didn't even ask me about it. Why would he make decisions by himself when a relationship must be based on the both of us?" I said, as I felt my eyes slowly well up with salty tears again.
A quick flash of the first time I heard Owen laugh passed. It flashed how the corners of his gorgeous blue eyes crinkled and the mess of his dark hair flew in the wind. It showed the first time how he started to feel comfortable around me, how he made occasional jokes that always sends him smiling; and I remembered how his smiles always made my heart do small somersaults every, single, time.
My gut wrenched at how sour my stomach felt that I wouldn't be the one there to see his happiness in the future. My eyes were so blurry, I can't seem to see anything at this point.
"Maybe he wanted you to be better. Maybe he wanted you to feel better, Athena. You've gone through so much these past few years and if my speculations are true, he wants you to overcome your fears." she said lovingly.
"I'm not scared of Elliot." I said as I attempted to laugh, only for it to sound like a croak.
A flashback of bright hospital lights sped through my mind, taking me back to the time I got hurt. A small tinge of pain around my head, then countless feelings of nausea. I felt the dizziness of my injury all over again, and I closed my eyes tight until they stopped.
"But you still can't look down over a balcony. Athena, I understand that this boy scarred you, and I hated him for that. But now, I think he wants to help you." Aunt Lydia said as she slowly held my hand and wrapped both of hers around mine.
I opened my eyes painfully and noticed that my hands had been cold, they had been shaking.
I blankly watched the jitters dissolve until I regained a somewhat, clear mind.
"What makes you say that?" I asked softly, as my hands calmed down.
"He told me, Athena." Aunt Lydia said as she smiled sadly and cupped my cheek, moving her sharp thumb around in slow circles.
I stayed quiet as I laid my head on my aunt's lap, staring blankly into the walls of my room.
"Give him a chance. Let him help. Who knows, maybe the two of you are more similar than you know." she said with a smile.
I stayed quiet for the rest of the night, crying softly to my aunt. She didn't go out for groceries anymore that time. She stayed by me.
It hurts to remember the things I did with Owen, but I couldn't imagine how he's handling our break up so far.
His last expression was hard and was similar to stone. He was expressionless.
I only hope he's doing better than I am, at least.
He's better at coping than I am.
Always.