Owen
I feel numb.
I don't know how to act anymore. It's like everything I've ever learned had been completely erased and here I am, just existing in the aftermath of it instead of living.
It was a few weeks after that incident happened and I felt so terrible, I couldn't bring myself to even talk to the cramped circle of friends I have. I had completely shut down.
I don't talk to Athena as much as I used to and I despised myself for it. She doesn't deserve to sort out my problems and dilemmas. I don't think I even deserve her at all.
These days, we act like there was nothing between us. We were like complete strangers who simply greeted each other out of politeness and good conduct. It sounded all so formal whenever she would come around and stop in her tracks to stare at me with an unreadable expression as she blurted out a kind, "good afternoon". I would reply the same to her in the same manner.
At this point, I don't know what to do.
I can't talk to Fitz without thinking how something happened between me and the girl he likes. Or liked. It was unclear now. Anyway, Fitz was tied to her, he was bound and crazy for Maya and I couldn't bring myself to even talk to him normally without remembering how my night with Maya boiled down.
Maya was out of the picture for me. She's evicted, dismissed. I completely lost my respect for her after how she acted like what happened that night was no big deal. It might not be for her but it was a huge deal for me.
I didn't know how exactly I would lose my virginity given my situation. I thought it was impossible but I guess I spoke too soon.
As days passed by after that incident, I slowly remembered bits and pieces of that night and I grew to hate myself even more.
I gave Maya consent.
I let her, thinking she was Athena.
At this point, I don't know how if I'm ever going to face Athena or Fitz normally after this. My mind was fogged by shame, humiliation, and hatred, even my grades went down. What boggled me even was the fact that I didn't seem to care.
I passed requirements late and I failed my tests. I got deductions for the crappy work I submitted and the professors seem to be getting annoyed with how I've taken advantage of the extra time I get to come and go to my classes, I always arrive around half of the lecture. I know that if I kept this up, they would take this to the ODS and revoke my privileges but somehow, I don't know how to pick myself back up.
I'm in a terrible slump.
In Chem lab, Dr. Anderson kept calling my attention and I never seem to get angry or annoyed at how ableist his comments are. Maya still tries to talk to me during class but I chose to ignore her every time, letting Dr. Anderson give me a long sermon on how childish I was and how he would report my behavior to the admins if I keep this up.
Well, if I were them, I wouldn't even want to have a person like me in their class either.
I hated myself more at this point.
Today was another one of those times where we had a totally homework-free day. I was supposed to be thankful that I had nothing to do that concerns school but I had PT today with Sophie. And so I went.
"You seem quiet." Sophie told me as soon as we begun working on some equipment that strengthens my upper body, my wheelchair locked in place as I stretched my arms back and forth repeatedly using resistance bands.
"I don't have that much reason to speak now, do I?" I answered plainly as I flexed my arms back and forth lazily. They never really stretched to my limits, just halfway through. I even suck at exercising now, it's ridiculous.
Sophie sat down beside me as she watched my movements and shook her head.
"Usually, you'd argue about how you didn't want to get orthopedic shoes and whatnot. I kinda miss that, kid. You sounded like my mother every damn time." she interjected, surprisingly, with a slight smile this time. Sophie rarely smiles. She's as stern as a dictator usually.
I simply looked at her blankly and stopped exercising for a moment.
"I still don't want those shoes." I said, resuming my clumsy stretching.
Sophie sighed and nearly face-palmed, only stopping midway to place her hand around her forehead, gently massaging her temples.
"I think you forgot you agreed to buying a pair. I just placed an order the last time you were here." she stated with a shrug.
I stopped myself for a while, then gave her a quick nod.
"Okay."
Sophie looked stunned for a quick moment before she turned back into her usual self who was merely a mass of unwavering seriousness. I, on the other hand, was plainly a huge dump of garbage. Because I am.
"I don't believe it. You didn't even care." she said, crossing her arms over her chest, looking taken aback. I sighed.
"Why do you even bother?" I asked, letting go of the equipment for a while to slouch my back and look at her with an uninterested expression.
I was tired.
I'm tired of being stuck in my head these days and I just want to go home. Home with the things and people I was familiar with; not here, not in college. I have less people to talk to and now, I don't think I can trust people easily anymore. It's like being in high school all over again.
Sophie softened her hard expression and bent closer to me, one of her arms leaning onto my right armrest.
"Because I value my patients, Watson. It may not seem like it but I do. A lot." she admitted.
"Oh."
I didn't think a person as strict as Sophie would even care since she does have others to look out for. I'm not the only one.
Sophie sighed and shook her head, unlocking my wheelchair from the equipment as she called me to go sit in one of the resting areas of the center. She sat herself down as well.
I didn't know what to think or expect out of this. This was totally unlike her and I was beginning to think that I couldn't even trust my physical therapist, a woman in her forties whose job is to rehabilitate people.
"You're not yourself these days. You're getting lazy with therapy and it won't be too soon before I call your mom and tell her about it. I'm warning you." she said with a tone of uprightness in her voice as she pointed a thin, bony finger at me. I stared at it.
"Alright."
Sophie seemed astonished yet again at my reaction. I couldn't care less whether or not she's gonna tell my mum. I'm turning nineteen in a week and I don't think I need someone threatening to call my mother whenever I do something undesirable.
"Fine. If it's gonna be like that, I'll call her sooner then." she said this time, straightening up.
I shrugged weakly and slouched.
"Okay."
Sophie gave me a scowl and shook her head.
"Ugh, you're so plain, it's disgusting. Where's the spark in you, kid?" she asked as she leaned toward me a little with her hands placed on her knees.
I didn't know what she was saying.
"The what?"
Sophie sighed and looked at me with a faint, grave expression on her face.
"The spark. That fierceness and undaunted air in you whenever you used to come in and argue the hell out with me over some damn shoes. You know, how you would usually act." she said, leaning backwards now into her plastic chair.
I immediately shot her a blinking look and slouched further down into my chair. I just want to be swallowed whole by the earth underneath me. Is that too much to ask?
"I act like any normal person. What's new?" I said, as a matter of fact.
I did act normally. Well, as normal as I can get. The only thing that changed is how I am around people. At this point, I'm not quite sure who to trust or who to side with. I don't even know if I can trust my own friends.
All sorts of questions started flurrying inside my head and I felt myself grow small and quiet.
Maybe the friends I had befriended me out of pity. Did Fitz do it? Or maybe Athena got herself into a relationship with me because she would take just about anyone in order to forget that asshole she surprisingly spent more time with.
I frowned.
"You're bothered. Really kid, what's up with you?" Sophie said, snapping her fingers inches away from my face harshly. My eyes widened at how close they were and they were enough to pull me out of my daze.
"I'm not sure I can tell you. You're my physical therapist." I said obviously with a slight shrug.
Sophie narrowed her eyes at me and for a moment, I felt the slightest tinge of fear build up in me. She was an innately scary woman who was strict; most of the time.
"But you used to talk a lot with your other therapist at home, didn't you?" she said, now glaring her wrinkly eyes at me.
I gulped and stammered in my sentences.
"That was different. I knew her since I was a kid." I answered.
My physical therapist, Barb, had always been there for me and sometimes, she became my second mother. Not that I needed another one to tell me to wash the dishes or do the chores I can do.
Barb was kind. She would make PT sessions fun when I was younger and sometimes, treated me out for ice cream by the parlor beside the hospital whenever my mum would tell her she would pick me up late. If Sophie would do that, I would honestly be surprised.
For a moment, Sophie stared at me tiredly and she looked about done. She sighed as she straightened her back and crossed her arms over her chest.
"So what? Tell me anything. " she said with a breeze of weird confidence surrounding her.
"Why?"
She sighed again.
"Because, I'm forty eight and easily forget things. Also, you don't seem to trust anyone anymore. Still have that girlfriend of yours?" she said, crossing her legs.
I nodded subtly and avoided her gaze.
With so much going on with me and my head, and whatever Athena had been doing with that goddamn son of a bitch, I was unsure whether things were okay between us. Especially how I had been acting lately.
"Yeah."
I was uncertain of the future and I hated it with every fiber of my being.
"Do you trust her?" she asked, in a voice I was not sure even belonged to her because it seemed so kind.
I shook my head.
"I don't know. Everything's so unclear."
It was true.
Before things were as horrible as this, I somehow ditched Athena for Maya, spending time with the other girl more than I wanted to. Maya introduced me to all sorts of things, both good and bad but Athena was a breath of fresh air who kept me grounded where I comfortably sit at. She was the definition of comfort and I was unsure now whether I deserve comfort or ruin.
"Well, I'm not sure if you're gonna listen and take my advice or something but I think you should learn to trust her again. I mean, if she's the closest thing you've got to home, why should you keep yourself away?"
The thing is, I don't seem to know who to trust or what to believe. What I deserve is punishment, not random disability perks where people would always see me as the good guy when I don't think I am.
I'm as messed up as anyone else in the room.
Given the circumstances, I just feel like giving up.