"What are you cakesniffers doing outside our cave?!" Carmelita shouted, interrupting Quigley and Sabine's romantic moment. They quickly pulled their masks back on and stood up.
"We're the new Snow Scout recruits," Quigley said.
"Ah, yes. The new recruits! Sent by a very friendly, distinguished lady?" the man that Kit said was named Bruce asked.
"Yes sir. A very friendly, distinguished lady who trained volunteer feline detectives," Sabine said. They had practiced what to say to the Snow Scout leader so he would know who they were.
"Perfect! Well, come inside the cave, Snow Scouts. It's cold out here," Bruce said.
Sabine, shivering and missing the warmth of Quigley's lips, eagerly agreed and followed the scouts into the cave.
"I still think that they're cakesniffers," Carmelita mumbled.
"Takes one to know one, Spats," Sabine mumbled back.
Carmelita huffed in annoyance and stomped her foot, then sat down in the cave. Sabine and Quigley tried to contain their laughter as they sat down as well.
"Alright, Snow Scouts! Who's ready for a toasty fire to warm up?" Bruce said, piling up some sticks and logs, that were conveniently stashed in the cave, in the middle of the circle of children.
"I should get to light the match this time because I'm False Spring Queen!" Carmelita sang.
"Someone else could be queen this year," one of the scouts squeaked.
Carmelita's mask whipped around with her head as she scanned the other masked scouts. "Who said that?" she demanded. Several scouts pointed to the culprit, who had already attempted to hide in their jacket. "How dare you say I'm not the queen? You're just a jealous cakesniffer because I'm the most special girl in the whole world and you aren't!"
"Jeez, she's even worse than you said!" Quigley whispered.
"Yeah. I feel sorry for that kid," Sabine quietly replied.
"I feel sorry for us, baby doll," he said, playfully nudging her shoulder with his. Sabine blushed at the nickname and was suddenly very glad for the mask, since it hid the way she was smiling like an idiot at him.
"Well, then, let's get started with this fire," Bruce said. "Care to do the honors, Queen Carmelita?"
The sparkly ball of death spun on her heels, then snatched the box of matches from Bruce and lit the flame. She gazed at it for a moment, mesmerized by the flickering red and orange hues, then tossed the match into the pile of wood. It caught on fire immediately and Carmelita stepped back, watching the tiny spark that had caught on her pink dress turn into a small flame before putting it out with her gloved hand.
"Pyromaniac," someone whispered loudly.
Carmelita obviously heard them, but just giggled in response and then sat back down next to Bruce. Everyone thawed their frozen fingers and toes out for a while in silence, then Bruce started quietly mumbling something. Some joined in with his words and soon everyone was reciting an odd song.
"Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered â every morning, every afternoon, every night, and all day long!" the Snow Scouts and Bruce said in unison. Then, they stopped chanting and turned back to the fire in silence.
"That was creepy," Quigley whispered.
"Mega-creepy," Sabine agreed. Is this a Snow Scout troop or a cult? she wondered. Eh, I guess there's not much of a difference.
A few torturing hours, (filled with Carmelita talking about how amazing she was), later, everyone heard a commotion outside the cave. There was some indiscernible shouting and the buzz of snow gnats, but other than that no one could tell what, (or in this case, who), it was.
"More cakesniffers?" Carmelita mumbled, standing up and walking towards the entrance of the cave.
"Carmelita, maybe you shouldn't do that," Bruce said in concern.
"I can do whatever I want, Uncle Bruce," she snarled back.
Soon, two figures, whose faces were covered by a coat, came into view. They appeared to be under attack by the dreaded gnats.
"Go away, cakesniffers! This is a private cave!" Carmelita shouted.
"Who are you talking to, Carmelita?" Bruce asked.
"I can see two shadows in the entrance of the cave, Uncle Bruce," she replied, "and to me they look like cakesniffers."
The other scouts snickered at what Carmelita had said, but Quigley and Sabine just tried to make out who the people were.
"Two shadows?" asked Bruce. "Identify yourselves, please."
"We're mountain travelers," the unmistakable voice of Violet Baudelaire called from the entrance. "We lost our way and ran into a swarm of snow gnats. Please let us rest here for a moment, while the smell of smoke scares them away, and then we'll be on our way."
"That's the Baudelaires!" Sabine whispered excitedly, glad to see her friends again.
"Got it," Quigley nodded.
"Absolutely not!" Carmelita shrieked, replying to Violet. "This is where the Snow Scouts are camping, on their way to celebrate False Spring and crown me queen. We don't want any cakesniffers spoiling our fun."
"Now, now, Carmelita," said Bruce. "Snow Scouts are supposed to be accommodating, remember? It's part of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge. And it would be very accommodating of us to offer these strangers the shelter of our cave."
"I don't want to be accommodating," Carmelita said. "I'm the False Spring Queen, so I get to do whatever I want."
"You're not the False Spring Queen yet, Carmelita," Quigley spoke up patiently. "Not until we dance around the Spring-pole. Do come in, travelers, and sit by the fire. We're happy to accommodate you."
"That's the spirit, kid," said Bruce. "Come on, Snow Scouts, let's all say the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge together."
Instantly the cave echoed with the sound of the Snow Scouts speaking in perfect unison, reciting their confusing pledge again. The Baudelaires whispered to each other for a moment and looked around at all the snow scouts.
"You cakesniffers look ridiculous," Carmelita finally snarled. "Your faces are all covered up."
"We're meek," Violet said quickly. "In fact, we're so meek that we hardly ever show our faces."
"Then you'll fit in just fine," said Bruce from behind his mask. "The name's Bruce, but you can call me Uncle Bruce, although I'm almost certainly not your real uncle. Welcome to the Snow Scouts, travelers, where all of us are meek. In fact, we're accommodating, basic, calm . . ."
The other Snow Scouts all joined in the pledge, and the two Baudelaires stood through another rendition of the absurd list, while Sabine stood up and stepped toward them. "We have some spare masks over there," she murmured quietly, and gestured toward a large pile of equipment, stacked beside a very long wooden pole. "They'll keep the snow gnats away when you go back outside. Help yourself."
"Thank you," Violet replied, as the scouts promised to be kept, limited, and meek. She and her brother quickly grabbed masks and put them on underneath the coat, so that by the time the scouts vowed to be xylophone, young, and zippered, they looked as faceless as everyone else in the cave.
"That was fun, kids," said Bruce, as the snowy sound faded and the pledge was over. "Now why don't you two join the Snow Scouts? We're an organization for young people to have fun and learn new things. Right now we're on a Snow Scout Hike. We're going to hike all the way up to Mount Fraught in order to celebrate False Spring."
"What's False Spring?" Violet asked. She and Klaus sat down next to Quigley and Sabine.
"Anybody who's not a cakesniffer knows what False Spring is," Carmelita said scornfully. "It's when the weather gets unusually warm before getting very cold again. We celebrate it with a fancy dance where we spin around and around the Springpole."
She pointed to the wooden pole with her white glove, its fingertips lightly singed from putting out the flame on her dress earlier. "When the dance is over, we choose the best Snow Scout and crown her the False Spring Queen. This time, it's me. In fact, it's always me."
"That's because Uncle Bruce is really your uncle," said one of the other Snow Scouts.
"No, it's not," Carmelita insisted. "It's because I'm the most accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered."
"How can anyone be 'xylophone'?" Klaus asked. "'Xylophone' isn't even an adjective."
"I couldn't think of another word that began with X," Bruce said.
"How about 'xenial'?" Klaus suggested. "It's a word that means â "
"You can't change the words of the Snow Scout Alphabet Pledge," Bruce interrupted, moving a cigar toward his face as if he were going to try to smoke it through the mask. "The whole point of the Snow Scouts is that you do the same thing over and over. We celebrate False Spring over and over, on Mount Fraught, at the source of the Stricken Stream. My niece Carmelita Spats is False Spring Queen, over and over. And over and over, we stop here in this cave for Snow Scout Story Time."
"I read that the caves of the Mortmain Mountains contained hibernating animals," Klaus said. "Are you sure it's safe to stop here?"
"It's safe now, kid," Bruce said. "Years ago, apparently these mountains were crawling with bears. The bears were so intelligent that they were trained as soldiers. But they disappeared and no one knows why."
"Not bears," Quigley whispered, and the Baudelaires had to lean in to hear him. "Lions lived in these caves. And they weren't soldiers. The lions were detectives â volunteer feline detectives." He turned so his mask was facing the two siblings. "Volunteer Feline Detectives," he said again, emphasizing each word carefully.
"Did you say â " Violet said, but Sabine shook her head; it was not safe to talk. Violet looked at her brother and then at Sabine and Quigley, seemingly deep in thought.
"I don't know what you kids are muttering about," Bruce said, "but stop it this instant. It's not time for conversation. It's Snow Scout Story Time, when one Snow Scout tells a story to the other Snow Scouts. Then we'll all eat marshmallows until we feel sick and go to sleep on a heap of blankets, just like we do every year. Why don't our new scouts tell the first story?"
"I should tell the first story," whined Carmelita. "After all, I'm the False Spring Queen."
"But I'm sure the travelers will have a wonderful story to tell," Quigley said.
"I'd love to hear a Very Fascinating Drama," Sabine added. She watched as Violet raised her hands to her head and smiled. She knew Violet had instinctively begun to tie her hair up in a ribbon to help her think, but it was impossible to do so with a mask on. They thought quietly for a moment until Carmelita grew impatient.
"Stop sitting around, cakesniffers," she said. "If you're going to tell us a story, get started."
"I'm sorry for the delay," Violet said slowly. "We haven't had a Very Fun Day, so it's difficult to think of a good story."
"I didn't realize this was a sad occasion," said Quigley.
"Oh, yes," Klaus said. "We've had nothing to eat all day except for some Vinegar-Flavored Doughnuts."
"And then there were the snow gnats," Violet said. "They behaved like Violent Frozen Dragonflies."
"When they form an arrow," Klaus said, "they're more like a Voracious Fierce Dragon."
"Or a Vain Fat Dictator, I imagine," Sabine said, and she and Quigley gave the Baudelaires a masked nod to show they had received their message.
"This is the most boring story I have ever heard," Carmelita Spats said. "Uncle Bruce, tell these two that they're both cakesniffers."
"Well, it wouldn't be very accommodating to say so," Bruce said, "but I must admit that the story you were telling was a little dull, kids. When Snow Scouts tell stories, they skip everything boring and only tell the interesting parts. That way, the story can be as accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, and zippered as possible."
"I'll show these cakesniffers how to tell an interesting story," Carmelita piped in. "Once upon a time, I woke up and looked in the mirror, and there I saw the prettiest, smartest, most darling girl in the whole wide world. I put on a lovely pink dress to make myself look even prettier, and I skipped off to school where my teacher told me I looked more adorable than anyone she had ever seen in her entire life, and she gave me a lollipop as a special present. . ."
At this point, Carmelita went on and on about many different reasons she was so extremely special, and Sabine wished that she could rip her ears off so she wouldn't have to listen to the dreadful red-head. However, she didn't have anything sharp enough to remove her ears with, and instead took to zoning out and focusing on the way Quigley gently rubbed circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.
When Carmelita's story was finally over, it was dark outside and almost all of the Snow Scouts had fallen asleep. Sabine was fighting to stay awake, but knew that she had to get the Baudelaires to V.F.D. headquarters, so she forced her eyes to stay open. When Carmelita fell asleep as well, she tapped Quigley's leg twice, and nodded her head up towards the Vertical Flame Diversion when he turned to her. He nodded back and they both carefully stood up and walked behind the Baudelaires, placing a hand on each of their shoulders to get their attention.
"Come with us, Baudelaires," Quigley whispered. "We know a shortcut to the headquarters."
ð¼ðð ð ð âððð¡ð¥ðð£