I remember when I was younger, I didn't know that my fathers doings were wrong. I thought nothing of it. Sometimes, I still can't tell if what he does is right or wrong. The only main thing that I know is wrong is the hitting. When I was younger I thought that was his way of showing affection. I thought that was how I was supposed to show affection, too.
I guess I don't remember when I figured out that was wrong.
A lot of times I question myself and if what I'm doing is okay because he does it, or if we're both in the wrong. Sometimes, I feel like I know nothing at all.
I feel like I don't truly understand myself, or understand the world. I hate second guessing myself. I hate not being confident in what I do.
I often seek God for answers, but I never get replies. Sometimes, when I'm really desperate, I visit mom.
I walk past all the other graves of names I don't know, the evening air sending a slight chill down my spine. I pause at a grave, my eyes shutting for a moment before I sit down in front of it.
"I didn't bring you new flowers. But I know how you didn't like flowers much." I whisper, my eyes opening to stare at her grave.
Loving wife and mother.
"I miss you, mom." I shake my head, my hand covering my eyes as I tilt my head to the sky. "You might not of been the best, but you were better than him."
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
I clench my jaw, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. "I hope you're happy up there. Maybe one day I'll get to see you again."
I stare up at the clouds, the sky different colors as the sun sets. Usually, I wouldn't be out this late, but father found some woman to go out on a date with, so he won't be back until... Tomorrow, probably.
"Mom, I don't know what I'm doing anymore." I swallow again, but this time the lump doesn't go away.
"I feel like... I don't know. I-" I choke, tears glossing over my eyes. "Who am I anymore?"
~~~
I walk around for quite a while after my visit with mom. There were a few other people walking tonight, but not many since it was kind of chilly.
Then I pause, stopping in front of a building I hate.
Addison apartments.
I remember the stupid treehouse that Larry had at the back of the apartments, and when I take a few more steps to the left I can see it.
I freeze as I suddenly spot Larry, Todd and Sal walking towards the stupid treehouse. I should've kept walking, I shouldn't have stopped-
Sal stops, turning to look right at me.
I curse under my breath, quickly turning and walking away. Why the fuck did they have to go to the treehouse right when I was there?
I was half tempted to glance back to see if he was still watching me, but I force myself not to, just incase he was still watching me.
Next time I go on a walk, I will be walking everywhere but here. Hell, I'll walk anywhere but down this street.
A walk for a while longer and when I stop, I find myself standing in front of Phillip's place. I wonder if he's home. He probably is, but I don't want to bother him or his family.
I turn to leave, to start walking back home when I hear the door open.
"Travis? What are you doing?" Phillip steps outside, and I turn my head to look at him.
"Going for a walk... What's it look like?" I reply, raising a brow even though it wouldn't be super visible in the almost dark sky.
"Stalking me, obviously."
"You wish."
"Want some food? You know my mom will gladly feed you."
"Shut the fuck up." I grumble as I walk towards his house.
Phillip grins, opening the door for me to enter before he follows behind. "My parents aren't even home."
"Not surprising."
"Oh, why were you walking, anyways? Don't you have like a curfew?" Phillip asks as he opens the fridge, grabbing some sort of left over food.
"He's not home." I reply as I glance at the food. Phillip's mom always makes good meals, so I can't wait to eat it. Also because I'm starving.
Phillip nods as he places the food into the microwave. "Will he be gone all night? Because you can stay with me if you want."
I smile slightly, shaking my head. "I would, but I don't want to take the chance, you know?"
"I know." Phillip replies, and I could hear the sadness in his voice.
"Thanks for feeding me. I appreciate it, by the way." I try to change the subject, but I guess the way I worded it didn't really help much, it just added onto how horrible my father is.
"Yeah, of course, man. I'll feed you no matter what! You're like my dog." Phillip grins, stopping the microwave to pull the food out.
I scrunch my nose up, my brows furrowing slightly. "You did not just say that."
"Oh heck yeah I did!!!" Phillip laughs as he hands me the food as I glare at him.
Phillip is stupid, and often annoying, but at least he's there for me.
He understands me.