You're so persistent on breaking down all the walls that I've built ever since I was young. Breaking walls that even Phillip has never dared to try to break.
You spent half the day with me. Didn't even ask me what was wrong, just kept me company. Kept me sane, even if it was just for a little while.
That night you confessed to me has been on my mind. One of the many things that have been in my mind lately.
I wasn't lying when I said I like you. I'm confused as hell about it, but I think my feelings are genuine. I think you're the only thing that I feel confident about anymore.
But, will you be able to break all my walls?
Or...
I pause as I stand a few feet away from the house, my body growing tense. I feel like... I'm going to get another beating.
Last night, when I got homeâ I was in such a daze from what Sal said to me that I was careless.
I guess I was too loud, and gave myself away.
I don't even want to think about it.
I slowly walk up the steps and onto the porch, pausing at the front door like I always do, before I step inside.
When I enter, father steps out of his bedroom, and I saw a figure in his bed before he shuts the door behind him.
"I got a call from the school today."
My heart stops.
"You've been spacing out in your classes? And even skipped most of your classes today? " It was a question, but I knew there was no question about it. He was stating it.
"I'm sorry." I whisper as he storms towards me, grabbing the collar of my shirt.
"You always say that, but you always make the same mistakes." He whisper shouts, his eyes wild with anger. "At this rate, you'll only be able to go to a fucking community college!"
He moves his hand to grab me by the hair before dragging me up to my room, throwing me on the floor.
I guess, not even my room is a safe place anymore.
(ABUSE WARNING)
He shuts the door before he starts to unbuckle his belt, holding it in his hands.
Why?
My old ones are still fresh from last night.
So why?
I turn around, pulling my shirt off, the silence almost deafening, suffocating.
"Maybe if you'd just fucking learn from your mistakes, you wouldn't be whipped so often." He mocks before the belt buckle lashes across my back, tears already forming in my eyes.
Liar. You always find some reason to beat me. Or sometimes, you find no reason at all.
I bite down hard on my bottom lip as he whips me again and again, struggling to keep my back straight. Struggling to not scream.
Each lash was worse than the last. I could feel the blood trickling down my back. A small whimper escapes from my lips and he just laughs.
He laughs.
He whips me until my back is covered in deep lashes and blood, until I can barely even keep my body up right.
"You're fucking pathetic. Just like your mother." Father says, and my hands tremble in anger and pain at his words.
Don't say that about her.
But if I dare speak back... I don't even want to think about what he'd do to me.
So I just stare at the corner of my bed until he leaves, slamming the door behind him.
(END OF ABUSE)
A noise that was like pain and anger leaves my lips as tears stream down my face, leaning down until my head touches the carpet, my arms wrapping around myself, becoming warm with my blood.
I can't keep doing this.
My heart feels like it's beyond repair, my mind filled with thoughts that I can't seem to drown out. Thoughts that never leave me alone no matter how good or bad my day is, no matter what pain I inflict on myself, or what I write in a stupid fucking notebook.
I dig my fingers into my hair, yanking until my head throbs, my lips parting as I sob silently until my jaw is sore.
The bleeding eventually stops, the only thing remaining is the horrible pain in my back, the pain of a thousand of scars and wounds.
But it's not just my back that hurts. Everything hurts. Physically and mentally.
God... I can't keep going like this.
I pray to you every night to end this pain, to let me live a life that I truly believe I deserve, but you never answer my prayers.
You haven't answered for years.
~~~
I showered and changed into clean clothes before I snuck out to go see you.
I know I'm visiting you more and more.
I don't know what it means, but I just need to see you.
I sit down at your grave, my body tensing at the simple movement.
"Mom." I whisper, my eyes adjusting to the darkness as I stare at her familiar headstone.
"What do I do?" I ask, my voice pleading as I reach out to touch her headstone. The feeling of cement rubbing against my fingertips as I graze them against the top of her headstone.
"You said you'd always be there for me, so can't you be here for me now? Please, I just- I need you." My lips quiver as I look away, taking a deep breath, my eyes focusing and unfocusing.
"I just need an answer. I just want to know what I should do." I sigh, fighting back the tears that want to form once again.
I can't keep crying like this.
"Just tell me one thing." I swallow hard, gritting my teeth before I continue. "Just tell me if..."