Chapter 40: Bonfire

~“I’ve watched those eyes light up with a smile, river in the not good times. Oh, you taught me all that I know. I’ve seen your soul grow just like a rose made it through all of those thorns, girl into the woman I know. And it’s killing me to say I’m fine, when I really mean to say that you’re my all and more and all I know you taught me.” —Lauv.~

Chapter Theme Song: “Breathe” by Lauv.

HARMONY

~Regret.~

~Embarrassment.~

~Disappointment.~

These words don’t even begin to cover the storm of emotions I’m feeling right now.

This is what they warned me about. This is why they told me to stay away from him. This gut-wrenching feeling, like someone’s ripping my heart out of my chest.

I’m sobbing uncontrollably in a bathroom stall when I hear footsteps and the worried voice of April.

“Harmony?”

I don’t want to talk to anyone right now. Every time I close my eyes, all I see is Blaze and his new love interest.

“Harmony, please talk to me,” she begs.

Following the sound of my sobs, she finds my stall quickly. She knocks gently on the door, her voice soft. “I’m coming in, okay?”

Without waiting for a response, she pushes the door open.

Her face falls when she sees me, huddled on the cold tile floor, my face buried in my arms, tears soaking my skin.

“Harmony, what happened?”

I can’t find the words to answer her, so I just keep crying, my body shaking with each sob.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

I lift my head, but immediately cover my eyes with my hands, hoping to stem the flow of tears. I’m struggling to breathe, and if I don’t calm down soon, my asthma might kick in.

“I-i-it’s Blaze...,” I manage to choke out between sobs.

She crouches down next to me, her face full of understanding. “What about him? What did he do?”

“He...” I can barely get the words out, but April waits patiently.

“He... I...” I give up, pressing my hand to my forehead. The grief is too much.

April’s face softens with sympathy, and she rubs my back gently. “Do you want to talk about it back at the dorm?”

I nod, and she helps me up.

***

By the time I finish telling April everything, I’m a mess. My face is red and wet, my eyes and nose swollen from crying.

She looks horrified, but not surprised. She pushes her long hair back and takes a deep breath. She knew this would happen. I was the fool who didn’t listen to her. To anyone.

“So, you didn’t have sex with him, right?”

I shake my head, wiping my eyes, but the tears just keep coming. “No, we didn’t. We kissed and then...I kind of...wanted to...”

It’s embarrassing to admit that I wanted to have sex with him, but April doesn’t judge. She just nods, encouraging me to continue.

“But he turned me down. He said he felt guilty.”

“Wait.” April holds up her hand, looking shocked. “He said he felt ~guilty~?”

I nod. “Yeah... Why?”

She looks at me like I’ve just told her I can walk on water. “Blaze can’t feel guilt. Or any of those emotions, really.”

“What do you mean?”

She moves closer to me on the bed, like she’s about to share a secret. “I don’t want to tell you everything, because it’s his secret to share, but Blaze can’t feel emotions like guilt, love, trust, or care.

“It’s hard to explain, but he can feel sadness and anger when it’s directed at himself, but he can’t feel it for anyone else.

“He can feel a little bit of happiness, but the emotions that make us human, that make us care about others, he doesn’t have those.

“He’s not doing it on purpose. He can’t help it. But the fact that he refused to have sex with you because he felt guilty...that’s strange.”

Blaze can’t feel certain emotions? He did mention something like that, but hearing it from April makes it real.

It makes me see him in a new light. And I feel a pang of guilt for not listening to him last night.

“Why can’t he feel those emotions?” I ask.

She looks unsure, scratching her forehead. “I think he should be the one to tell you. It’s a big secret.”

I nod, respecting her loyalty to her cousin. Mal was right—she really does love him. But that’s not a bad thing.

I manage a smile, and she runs her fingers through my hair. “You’re too pretty to cry. Whatever happened in the cafeteria doesn’t matter, okay?”

“Is she his girlfriend?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper. I don’t want to know the answer, but the question is eating at me.

April shakes her head. “No. And they didn’t do anything last night. I stopped by their dorm before I came here, and there was no girl there.

“James was there all night, and they wouldn’t bring a girl back if their roommate was home. There’s not enough privacy.”

I nod, feeling a little better. Maybe things aren’t as bad as they seem.

A wave of relief washes over me. Thank God. But that doesn’t erase the fact that we’re not exactly on good terms.

“Harmony, you need to understand that Blaze is a master of revenge. He’s got a vindictive streak. If someone crosses him, he tends to retaliate. I think he’s just messing with you. Don’t overthink it.”

I nod in response.

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

“No!” I decline her offer so abruptly that poor April looks startled. I don’t want to come off as desperate or like I’m hung up on him. Although, my dramatic exit from the cafeteria probably already gave that impression.

“I’ll just give him some space,” I assure her.

She smiles and nods. “Okay, if you think that’s best.”

I stare at my hands in silence, and she sighs, resting a hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Cheer up. I know what will make you feel better.”

I wipe my eyes again and look up to see her grinning with anticipation. “What?”

“Tomorrow we don’t have classes because the professors are having some seminar, so tonight the sophomores are having a bonfire. You should come.”

I can’t comprehend how April can attend social events on school nights. I know she said we don’t have classes tomorrow, but won’t she be exhausted from being in classes all day today?

But I think hanging out with the girls outside the dorms is a better option than staying in. I’m feeling pretty down after seeing Blaze flirt with that girl earlier. I think I need a breather.

I manage a smile. “Okay. I’ll definitely come.”

“Awesome!” She jumps up from her spot on the bed. “Let me find you something to wear!” She heads over to our shared closet, and I can’t help but smile a little.

I admire April a lot. She’s confident and strong, and even after all her warnings, she still listens without judgment.

I think if I had been honest with her from the start, I wouldn’t be in this heartbroken state.

***

Before I came to Homewood, I had everything planned out. Spend my days in the library, complete all my assignments on time or even ahead of schedule, steer clear of college boys, and keep to myself.

But now? A lot of my plans have gone out the window.

I still turn in my assignments on time and I’m acing my tests, but I haven’t been to the library in a while. Instead, here I am, on my way to a bonfire with April and the girls.

This is exactly what I didn’t plan for.

The night air is so cold that I can’t even feel my earlobes as we make our way onto the field.

The warmth from the bonfires as we approach the gathering is a welcome relief, and I tuck my freezing hands into the pockets of my sweater.

The field is colder than other parts of the campus because of the large forest behind it. The music is blaring and the chatter from the college kids hanging out competes with the deafening stereo.

“Where’s Blaze?” Tia asks, scanning the area with her brown eyes.

The sound of his name makes my heart skip a beat. April looks at me, and I can tell she knows I’m starting to regret coming here.

She links her arm with mine, probably realizing that I’m on the verge of turning around and heading back to the dorms.

“Hey, April! Over here!” James’s voice draws our attention to where they’re sitting at the back of the field, around a roaring bonfire.

Through the dancing flames, I catch a glimpse of Blaze’s silhouette, but to my utter dismay, he has a girl sitting between his legs—a different one than the leggy model at lunch.

~I can’t do this. I should just go back.~

“I’ll be at the dorms,” I tell April, but she shakes her head and grabs my arm, gently pulling me back.

“No. Don’t. You can’t keep running away from your fears, Harmony.”

She’s right, but can’t I just hide from it all for tonight? Blaze is taking his little ‘revenge’ too far and I can’t handle it.

“He has a girl between his legs,” I mutter.

“Suzie Mattfeild? He doesn’t even like her. Let’s go.”

She pulls me along with her towards them, and I lower my gaze, suddenly finding the gravel beneath my feet fascinating.

April said this was supposed to make me feel better, but I feel worse. Why did she bring me here knowing Blaze would be here too? This isn’t a ~cheer-up~. It’s a ~cheer-down~.

“Harmony, darling!” James slurs. I can tell he’s tipsy as he spreads his arms wide. “You look...stunning!”

He sways unsteadily, bumping into Blaze who nudges him away with an annoyed expression.

I start to imagine what would happen if James knocked them so hard that the brunette sitting in Blaze’s lap gets thrown headfirst into the bonfire.

~God, my thoughts are so wicked. When did I become this person?~

I try not to look at the guy who broke my heart as I sit down on the large rug spread out on the grass, crossing my ankles underneath me.

But it’s hard to avoid his gaze when he’s sitting right in front of me—barely two feet away.

I focus on the crackling flames, but I can hear him whispering something to the girl who keeps giggling and saying, “Stop it, Blaze!” like a smitten preteen.

“Yo! Yo!” A voice comes from behind me, and I crane my neck to look up. Kite waves a greeting to the group, and there’s a guy with short blond hair standing next to him, chewing gum.

Kite is wearing an oversized black sweater with Jaxton University printed on the front.

Without even realizing it, I start comparing his outfit to Blaze’s gray hoodie with two large animated guns on it. I’m not into guns, but I think I prefer what Blaze is wearing.

~Sigh. I’m hopeless.~

Kite slides into the seat next to me, his buddy taking a spot beside Tia. He whispers something in her ear, and she responds with a playful smack on his shoulder and a burst of laughter. They must know each other.

I’m the only one here who feels like a fish out of water.

“Hey, Harmony.” Kite tips his head in my direction, a crooked grin on his face.

I return his smile. “Hey.”

From the corner of my eye, I catch Blaze’s gaze shifting our way, but I can’t read his expression.

April is reaching for a cold beer from the cooler next to her, a soft smile on her face.

“You’re here a lot for someone who doesn’t go to this university.” The frosty comment comes from across the circle.

I look up to find Blaze staring at me. His words send a chill down my spine, or maybe it’s the dark glint in his eyes.

I glance at the girl sitting in his lap and can’t help but think she looks a bit like a squirrel.

“Well, yeah.” Kite shrugs. “Especially since Harmony is here.”

I turn to him, and he winks at me.

Blaze lets out a humorless laugh, drawing everyone’s attention.

“Well, she’s always got your back, doesn’t she?”

~Ouch.~

I drop my gaze to my lap. If I said that didn’t sting…I’d be lying.

“You two had a thing?” Kite asks, leaning back on his hands.

“Well—”

“No, we didn’t.” I interrupt.

It’s not a lie. Blaze and I never had anything. He’s a stranger I know nothing about, who used his charm to kiss me and touch me when those moments could have been shared with someone else.

I understand he’s upset because I didn’t listen to him last night, but he’s crossing a line.

He’s staring at me now, and I meet his gaze defiantly.

“Oh, are you sure we didn’t have anything, Harmony?” he teases, a wicked grin spreading across his face.

~Why is he doing this?~

My heart starts to race. Is he trying to make our private moment public? He’s pushing me too far.

“Yeah. We had nothing. We just danced at a party one night,” I retort. “But I have to say, I enjoyed dancing with Kite a lot more.”

“Oooooh, burn.” Kite’s friend covers his mouth, trying to hide his amusement. The girls’ eyes are wide, including April’s.

~Did I really just say that?~

I swallow. ~I shouldn’t have, should I?~

Blaze’s jaw clenches as he glares at me, then his lips curl into a devilish smirk.

~Okay. I really shouldn’t have.~

“Really, Harmony? That’s funny, because you didn’t seem to feel that way the night I made you—”

“Blaze, don’t.” April interrupts, raising her hand to silence him. She gives him a warning look, and he takes a deep breath, turning away. For a moment, he looks hurt, and I’m filled with regret.

I really shouldn’t have said that.

Kite grins. “You liked our dance? Maybe we could do it again sometime.”

I manage a weak smile, but it fades quickly as guilt washes over me.

The group falls silent for a moment, then the blond guy claps his hands together and sits up straighter. “Okay. This tension is killing me. Let’s play truth or dare!”

“Seriously?” The girl resting her head on Blaze’s thigh makes a face. “That’s so middle school.”

“Then don’t play. Simple,” he replies, and I want to give him a high-five.

“My name’s Dustin, by the way,” he says, reaching for an empty beer bottle. He grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “Let the games begin!”