CH 74

Am I worthy of pursuing happiness? (Same Bed)

As expected…

Happiness always seems so elusive. I don’t deserve it.

Zi Yan came to her senses, lowered her gaze, and stumbled out of the warm embrace. She avoided Song Shu Qing’s probing gaze and said, “Miss Song… you should go now.”

“Eh, you’re already chasing me away.”

Without changing her expression, Song Shu Qing jokingly said, “Are you not going to treat me to dinner? Or shall we go out together for a meal?”

“I can’t eat tonight…” Zi Yan navigated through the mess on the ground and sat in front of the dressing table, her voice dry.

Perplexed, the shadow guard asked, “Why not? It’s already so late, aren’t you hungry?”

Feeling ashamed to speak in front of Song Shu Qing, Zi Yan swallowed her saliva and said in fragments, “Lord Jia… has some particular tastes, and he can be a bit rough. I can’t eat tonight, or else it will be messy.”

She then changed her sitting position.

“You, you mean…?” Song Shu Qing gasped for breath, her face turning pale. “No way! Are you…are you okay?”

Zi Yan forced a smile, even though she dared not meet the woman’s gaze in the reflection of the mirror.

She was afraid, afraid that she would see the disgust that could cut her heart like a knife.

“It’s okay now. Since I became the head of the Pai1, I only need two days a month…because if I have less, people will bid more.”

“No, what the hell is this? What about you?” Song Shu Qing hurriedly approached, her face full of concern as she looked at the woman biting her lip. “I’m asking if you’re okay. What does it matter if it’s two days or five days?”

She knew about Zi Yan’s profession

And understood that she had to play the qin for clients, and there were a few nights every month when she was not in her room.

Out of respect and a sense of propriety, she never asked about it and simply interacted with Zi Yan naturally, like an ordinary friend.

But she didn’t know that Zi Yan had to comply with disgusting and perverse tastes…

Trying to control her breath, something that she was used to doing now became extremely difficult to talk about in front of Song Shu Qing. Zi Yan tried to keep her tone casual, “I…I can’t stand it sometimes, but it’s okay. There’s only six months left, it will soon be over. I just need to endure it.”

“Endure?” Song Shu Qing gritted her teeth and repeated in a low voice, “What endure? It’s obviously unbearable…”

Clasping the wooden comb tightly, “Miss Song…I’m fine, please go back.” Zi Yan’s expression was stiff, and only the slight tremble of her voice at the end could reveal her inner emotions. “Please go back for today.”

“Please, just go back…”

The woman in front of the mirror never looked up, so she couldn’t see Song Shu Qing’s expression.

For a long time, when she felt the window being opened the next second, Zi Yan finally looked at her empty and messy room.

Everything remained the same.

The only thing she cared about, her black cloak, was crumpled into a ball and lying haphazardly by the side of the qin.

Just like her own heart, which was shattered and worthless.

The next day.

As the sun began to set, the beautiful courtesan adorned herself with heavy makeup that didn’t quite suit her and sprinkled herself with fragrant powder before heading downstairs. As she reached the door, she saw the madam standing there, hands on hips, waiting for her.

“Zi Yan, where on earth did you find such a lovesick man?” The woman in her fifties, still full of charm, took a drag on her cigarette and looked incredulous. “He doesn’t seem like some high-ranking official, but he’s willing to pay twice the price of Lord Jia for you.”

“What?” Zi Yan looked puzzled and tried to recall who it could be, but she had no idea.

“Well, at least he looks pretty frail. You probably won’t suffer too much…”

The madam blew a smoke ring, patted Zi Yan’s shoulder, and then left.

It doesn’t matter who it is.

As long as she can endure for two more days…

Taking a deep breath, Zi Yan tried to hypnotize herself, forcing her still-aching heart to numbness. She slowly opened the door, knelt down respectfully and said, “I am Zi Yan, I have seen the young master.”

Turning around to close the door, she waited quietly with her head lowered, obediently waiting for instructions from the person inside.

“…Oh my god, this cloak is way too hot to wear in the summer.”

A weary voice came from under the hood, as Song Shu Qing shook her head and wiped the sweat from her face. “How does Ah Yun manage to wear this and go around being a hero?”

“Song… Miss Song.” Seeing the woman standing in front of her, with her feet raised and her carefree attitude, Zi Yan was extremely surprised.

“Hey there, Zi Yan.”

Pulling out a few steamed buns from her robe, the shadow guard waved at the courtesan. “Don’t kneel, your legs must be numb. Are you hungry? Come and eat something.”

Seeing the dazed look on the woman’s face, Song Shu Qing impatiently urged her, “Hurry up, it’ll get cold if you don’t eat it.”

Uncertainly standing up, Zi Yan took the hot meat bun that was forced into her hand, looking stunned as if frozen. She opened her mouth in astonishment, “Miss Song! Why did you come?”

“Hmm? Is there a rule that says I can’t come?”

Seeing that Zi Yan was just holding the food and not moving, Song Shu Qing held her delicate wrist and controlled her to stuff the bun into her mouth, which was coated with rouge. Then she said with a painful expression on her face, “I didn’t know that Jia offered such a high price and still needed half a year. My meager savings are not enough… Luckily, Qin Qin and the others haven’t set off yet, so I borrowed some money from the Princess…”

Although that『little money』basically meant selling the rest of her life…

“Curses! The Princess is such a hypocrite, we have a good relationship but she still wants 10 percent interest from me… Thank goodness for Qin Qin.”

With a face full of unwillingness to recall the past, Song Shu Qing rubbed her temples. “Of course, this isn’t for free. I’m not that kind-hearted. After your work here is finished, you’ll have to work at the teahouse for six months. It’s just basic salary, don’t expect any bonuses.”

“I’m telling you, the teahouse is busy now, it’s not as easy as before. You can’t be lazy!”

Taking a steamed bun for herself, Song Shu Qing intentionally avoided looking at the woman’s reddened eyes and casually flipped through the menu on the coffee table. “So I have to be with you for the next few days? You can still order food here. This Chunfeng Building is quite user-friendly. What do you want to eat tomorrow?”

Almost choking on her food, Zi Yan swallowed hard and slowly spoke, “We can’t eat what’s meant for the guests…”

“Eh, it’s me, not someone else.” With a face of disbelief, Song Shu Qing chewed on the steamed bun in her mouth. “What’s the harm in eating with me? Plus, it’s not enjoyable to eat alone. Is there anything you wanted to try but haven’t had the chance to? This is my first time here, so can you recommend something to me?”

Staring blankly at the woman leaning on the table, it took Zi Yan a while to respond.

“Noodle soup…”

“I saw it before and it looked really delicious…”

“Okay, I like noodle soup too.” Nodding, Song Shu Qing straightened up and scanned the layout of the entire room, uncrossing her legs.

Hmm, the bed board, wooden table, bathtub, and some disgusting things that she didn’t even want to look at, it really has everything…

She stood up and pulled the screen to cover up the messy corner, then turned to look at the woman who was standing quietly on the side and waved her hand, “Don’t be too constrained, just do whatever you want.”

With that, she took off her outer coat and took out a book from her bag, lying on the bed and propping up her head to start reading.

Watching the relaxed figure in front of her, Zi Yan felt a bit majestic and unconsciously picked at her dyed nails.

Then the woman sat in front of the bronze mirror in silence, taking off her intricate headgear and freshly applied rouge. But this peaceful scene seemed to give her a feeling of being in a dreamland.

The peace at this moment seemed to be fake, the feeling of fullness in her stomach was fake, even the person flipping through the book on the bed was fake.

She sat in front of the mirror for a long time, until the outside was completely dark, and only then did she snap out of her daze as Song Shu Qing lit an oil lamp and fetched water to wash up.

“Tired?”

Still with a few drops of water on her face, Song Shu Qing walked towards the courtesan with a crooked smile, “I know you might not like hearing this, but I think you look much better like this than earlier.”

Rubbing her own unadorned cheek, Zi Yan lowered her eyes and murmured, “Really…” She then stood up and walked to the bed, quietly taking off her gorgeous outer garment and standing silently by the side.

“Do you mind if I sleep outside? You know, professional habit.” Pulling back the covers and gesturing to the person in front of her, who was only wearing a single layer of clothing, Song Shu Qing removed the sharp hairpin from her head and casually placed it on the bedside table. “I have a good sleeping posture… I guess?”

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” With some inner trepidation, Zi Yan climbed onto the bed and lay down hesitantly in the corner.

“Okay then.” Lying down beside the woman, Song Shu Qing tossed the covers over her body and then complained a bit unhappily, “Come closer, I can’t cover you like this.”

Reaching out and pulling Zi Yan’s waist closer, away from the cold wall, “Don’t worry, I won’t crush you.” After making sure the woman had enough space, Song Shu Qing withdrew her arm and lay on her side with a standard distance. “Sleep well, I’m really tired today.”

“Goodnight.”

“… Goodnight.”

After the time it took to burn an incense stick, Zi Yan opened her eyes in the darkness and carefully turned around.

She gazed at the person beside her, who had her eyes tightly shut and was breathing regularly and steadily, chest rising and falling. She exhaled softly and let go of her fears, taking a closer look at the face that she had never dared to scrutinize openly before.

Song Shu Qing had a profound appearance, with high cheekbones and a prominent nose, unlike the gentle and soft women from the Central Plains. Instead, she was more like a gorgeous blaze from a foreign land.

However, this strong and forceful appearance was always concealed by her usual carefree demeanor, with a grin that was often vulgar. Only when she tightly pursed her lips would her silent face reveal an inexplicable depth and farsightedness.

As she gazed at the peaceful sleeping face in her field of vision, Zi Yan couldn’t help but reach out and touch Song Shu Qing’s lips. But she was afraid of waking her up, so she only lightly caressed them as if it were a feather falling to the ground.

So warm…

Truly, so warm…

In the darkness, the courtesan still couldn’t be certain, as if confirming something, she traced her hand down her chin until she met the outstretched fingers of the shadow guard. Carefully, she intertwined her fingers with hers, and felt an inexplicable sense of reality.

This was the first time.

The first time in this room, where she could relax and not worry about anything.

There’s no need to fear cruel blows, being rudely awakened in the middle of the night, or facing a drunken, hideous face.

There’s nothing to worry about.

Despite having prepared herself mentally, she knew that she shouldn’t have any complaints about any situation she might face, and she shouldn’t entertain any delusions…

But why is she filled with anticipation from the bottom of her heart, and why can’t she suppress this burgeoning emotion any longer?

Feeling the person lying next to her, Zi Yan questions herself.

Am I worthy?

Am I worthy of pursuing happiness?

I’m just a fallen woman in this world of dust and smoke, why do I yearn for such a noble and gentle person?

Why do I dare to ask for her love that goes beyond pity?

Her body trembles slightly, immersed in endless self-doubt, almost unable to catch her breath.

Afraid of waking the person next to her, Zi Yan forced herself to hold her breath and gently stretched her fingertips, trying to leave the warmth she was attached to.

The next moment, she heard a low murmur that sounded like a dream. Song Shu Qing, who had been still, turned over and pulled the woman next to her closer, embracing Zi Yan in her arms through the blanket.

Zi Yan felt the warmth and faint scent of tea emanating from the person in front of her, with her nose against the neck of the shadow guard. She stiffened.

As if unconsciously, Song Shu Qing patted the thin back of the woman, comforting her, and then fell into a deep sleep again.

But when the shadow guard in the darkness felt the dampness on her collar, she suddenly opened her eyes, and everything became clear.

The woman in Song Shu Qing’s arms clutched the sleeve of her garment, and the silent night was filled only with her suppressed sobs.

Song Shu Qing, who had not yet fallen asleep, remained still, allowing the courtesan in her arms to release the emotions she had been suppressing. She remained silent and loyal, accompanying her through this somewhat lengthy night.