Chapter 42

ANNA

People say the most painful thing for a parent is to lose a child. The day you have to say goodbye, knowing you’ll continue living without them—they say it tears your heart right out.

I never thought I’d come close to that feeling. I never imagined life would take such a devastating turn. But today, it has. Today is a day I knew was coming, but one I’ve been dreading.

This morning, Olivia walked into my room, tears streaming down her face. She looked utterly lost. James was already at work, leaving me to face this alone.

~You knew this day was coming, Anna. You knew it.~

~

“Mommy? What’s happening to me?” Olivia’s sobs echo in my bedroom as she stands there, a handful of her hair clutched in her tiny hands. A tear slips down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it away.

~Don’t let her see you cry. If you cry, it’ll only make things worse.~

“Come here, Lovebug,” I tell her.

She tries to climb onto the bed, but she’s so weak these days. The chemo has started to take effect, and it’s moving fast. It’s only been a few weeks.

She’s already had three sessions, which means I’m already thirteen weeks pregnant. Time flies, but this…if I had a say, this day would still be far off.

I pull a sobbing Olivia onto my lap, cradling her as I sit up straight. I look into her big, green, tear-filled eyes as I take a deep breath, preparing to explain what’s happening.

“Do you remember what Dr. Jasmine told us a while ago?”

She nods at me. “She said that the chemo warriors are doing a good job,” she says, her voice proud but shaky.

“For the chemo warriors to do their job, they need all the strength they can get. And that strength, they get it from you. Sometimes that means you feel sick, and other times it means you get tired.

“But right now, it means you’ll be losing your hair for a bit—it helps them fight.”

She gives me a small, sad nod, clutching the clump of brown hair in her hands. “Will it grow back?” she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Absolutely! After the chemo warriors win the battle. What do you say? We can help them a bit, and then we can go shopping. How does that sound?”

“How are we going to help them?” she asks.

“I can cut it off, sweetheart,” I tell her, running my fingers through her hair. I touch it gently, but strands still come away in my hands. It’s time.

“That way it’s all done at once and you won’t wake up with hair on your pillow every morning. I think you’ll like it better that way, don’t you think?”

A tear rolls down her cheek and she wraps her arms around me. “Mommy, I don’t like this at all. It hurts so much. It hurts, and now my hair. No more braids or pretty things in my hair.”

I soothe her, rubbing her back in small circles, just like I did when she was a baby. It always helped to calm her down.

“I’ll buy you a ladybug scarf at the mall. We can wrap it around your head, and you’ll have fun, pretty hair. What do you say?” I tell her, forcing a bright smile, hoping she’ll catch my enthusiasm.

It’s tearing me apart, but she doesn’t need to know that.

She nods eagerly. “Can we buy more than one?”

“Of course. And after that, you can choose what we will do next.”

“Okay,” she agrees. Carefully, she slides off the bed.

I pick her up and carry her downstairs. She’s lost a lot of her strength, so we told her she couldn’t go down by herself. It’s not that we don’t trust her, it’s just that we can see how much it exhausts her.

She accepted it without a fight, which is another sign that she’s getting weaker. Olivia is usually a fighter, always pushing boundaries and figuring out how to cross them without getting caught.

After a much-needed cup of coffee, I send a text to my mom and dad in our family thread.

Anna

Olivia’s losing her hair. I’m going to shave it off to get it over with and buy her some head scarves. It breaks my heart to see her this way.

Dad

Oh honey. How are you doing? We’re here for you.

Anna

I’m coming home next week for her treatment. I need a hug.

I rush back upstairs to grab James’s shaver and a towel. I settle Olivia in her highchair and drape the towel around her.

“After this, we go shopping for those funny head things?” she asks.

“We will, Lovebug,” I assure her, kissing her head. For the last time, I breathe in her scent, which is also starting to fade. I switch on the shaver.

The buzzing sound scares Olivia, but I sing her a lullaby and she calms down immediately. As expected, her hair comes off easily.

Ten minutes later, we’re finished and heading to the car. I buckle Olivia into her seat and take a deep breath as I close her car door.

I turn around and let a tear fall. I can’t hold it back all the time. It’s good to let it out without her seeing. Taking another deep breath, I walk over to the driver’s seat.

I start the car and drive through our beautiful town. We arrive at the mall about twenty minutes later.

Olivia and I walk through the main doors. I brought her stroller because I know she’ll tire out within ten minutes if she has to walk through the mall like we used to.

I sit on a bench and crouch down to Olivia’s level.

“Mommy, what are you doing?” she asks.

“Lovebug, why don’t you sit in the stroller. That way you’ll have the energy to walk around the store when we get there.” She gives me a tired nod, and my heart shatters again.

~She’s fading.~

She settles herself into the stroller with care. I buckle her in and we start moving. Now that she can’t see my face, I don’t have to pretend to be brave.

“Mommy, why are those people staring at me?” she questions.

I’m not sure what she’s talking about, but when I look around, I see she’s right. A lot of people are staring. I shoot them a glare and they quickly avert their eyes.

How dare they stare at a little girl like that? She’s in the fight of her life and they’re looking at her, and at me, with such disdain. What the hell is wrong with people?

We find the store we’re looking for and head inside.

“Hi!” the saleswoman greets us, moving toward us.

“Hi,” I respond, managing a smile.

She looks down at Olivia and bends down to her level. “What kind of headband do you want, my beautiful little survivor?” she asks with kindness in her voice.

I feel a rush of gratitude. She’s not looking down on Olivia. She sees what’s happening and understands exactly what we’re dealing with.

“I really want a ladybug one and a purple one!” Olivia replies, her voice full of excitement.

The saleswoman nods and looks up at me.

“You’re in luck, we have both!” she tells us.

Olivia’s laughter fills the store, and my heart feels complete.

“Can she come out?” she asks.

“She can, but she gets tired easily,” I explain.

She gives me a nod of understanding. I lift Olivia out of her stroller and they walk slowly to the aisle with the headbands and scarves.

Olivia lets out a squeal of delight when she sees the array of ladybug headbands, unicorn scarves, and all the other girly things she adores.

“Here, let me show you how to put it on.” The saleswoman helps Olivia with her scarf, wrapping it around her head.

“Look Momma, beautiful new hair,” she says, smiling as she twirls around to show off her new look.

“I see it, Lovebug! You look so pretty.”

“Of course I do, I’m Daddy’s little princess,” she declares proudly, lifting her chin like a true princess.

“That you are, baby,” I affirm.

In the end, we buy about ten of those things. I couldn’t say no to her. After the day she’s had—I just couldn’t deny her.

We leave the store and head back to the car.

“Mommy, can we go see Daddy? I really want to see Daddy,” she requests. I did promise her she could choose, so who am I to say “no” now?

“You do know he’s working, right?” I try to dissuade her.

“Yes, but he said he always has time for me.”

~He did say that, didn’t he? Idiot.~

“Okay, then. Let’s go to Daddy,” I agree.