Mission: Get Rid of Peyton's crush on Archer
Plan D: Set Him Up
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The idea comes to me after the New Year's party, when almost ten different girls hit on Archer in the same hour. Getting a crush on somebody else seems pointless. So, maybe I should do the exact opposite.
Archer has plenty of people vying for his attention. And if he decides to date one of them, I won't be allowed to like him anymore.
Not the best of plans, I admit.
But it's hard to come up with a good plan to get rid of my crush on Archer, especially when my feelings for him just get stronger every time I come up with one. In fact, during the New Years party, I actually considered telling him about it.
But then I thought of the bittersweet rejection that would come along with it and hid in the bathroom for the rest of the party.
It's time for Plan D: Set Archer Up by making a dating profile.
I decide to go a website called kissyface.com because I watch the advertisements on TV all the time. "Successful" couples grin at me from their home page. My stomach squirms at the sight.
After filling out a fake email and some demographics, I move on to the biography. First, they ask me to fill out what they think my (or rather, Archer's) best traits are.
Oh boy.
Where should I start?
A List of Archer's Positive Traits
1) He's hot. Although this isn't the biggest reason I have a crush on him, I'm sure it'll be great for kissyface.com I mean, who can resist those dark eyes and hair? Or that smile - ugh, that smile that makes your day a little brighter every time you see it - he always has?
2) He's friendly. You can't be just friends with Archer. Meeting him is like meeting fifty different people at the same time, because he just knows so many.
3)Â Â He's strong. And I'm not just talking about him being Captain of the swim team. I'm talking about when he when he got bit by a dog and kept smiling, or when his parents took away his art supplies and he took it in stride.
4) He's positive. Even the darkest of the storm clouds have a little bit of sunshine with him.
5) He's artistic. Everything he does has a special twist, or his own secret meaning, from cooking to texting.
6) His smile. I'm coming back to this one because I love it so much.
7) He's funny. Although he teases you a lot -
Oh, whoops.
I went over the word limit.
I delete a couple of paragraphs, then click the button to go the next stage, which asks me just the opposite. They want to know about his worst traits. This should be easy. After all, I loathed Archer when I first met him during the summer.
A List of Archer's Negative Traits:
1) He can be cocky.
2) And persistent (but only because he wants to be friends with everyone he meets).
3) Um.
4) Why is this suddenly so hard?
A few months ago, I had a millions reasons to hate him. Looking back on it now, I realize most of the prejudices I held against them are untrue. But still, there should be something, right? Or is my crush so big that I can't even focus on them?
I decide to skip this step.
They ask me what Archer's preferences are. What would like to see in his future partner? I can't say anything about this, because I have no idea.
Maybe I should try and figure it out later.
I skip that step too.
Finally, it's time for the profile picture.
In order to have the best possible picture, I spend hours scrolling through Archer's social media accounts (disguised as thirteen-year old from Ohio). Surprisingly, Archer doesn't post many pictures of himself. Instead, all of his photos consist of his pets, artwork or funny license plates.
But many of his followers have tagged Archer on their pictures.
There's pictures of Archer at home, with his dog. Or swimming at a competition. Or riding Brutus with the sunset behind him. Or holding up a painting he won at an art contest. I smile at one of the images of him as five-year old, grinning at the camera with a missing tooth, holding a puppy version of Buster.
My door slams open.
Of course, it's my annoying older brother. James struts into my room and flops on my bed, on top of the blanket that's covering my legs. He lets out a moan of despair. "Peyton. I called you an hour ago to help me pack."
"I'll be down in five minutes," I attempt to shake him off my legs. "Leave me alone."
"You've been on that laptop all day. What are you looking at it?"
"Nothing. Just leave me alone - hey!" Before I can shut my laptop down or even close the browser, James pulls it out of my laps and drags it over to him.
He gawks at the screen. "Are all these pictures of Archer?"
"Give that back!" I wrestle my laptop from his grip and slam it shut.
James sits up. "Why do have so many pictures of Archer's on your laptop?"
"None of your business."
I glare at him, trying to stop my heart from racing or the heat spreading to my cheeks, but it's impossible. Meanwhile, a smile twitches at the corner of James's face as we maintain eye-contact. Finally, I blink.
"I think I know what's going on here," He says, leaning back on his palms."
"Oh, you do?"
"Yup."
"Then, say it."
"You have a crush on Archer, don't you?" James says. My heart drops. I didn't think he'd actually guess it. "Oh, man, look at your face! You totally do! This is hilarious. I can't believe my little sister has a crush on Archer Raine -"
"Keep your voice down."
James cackles. "Oh, this is just awesome. No wonder you act so different around him and put up his Christmas card up on your wall and run away every time you see him and - does he know?"
Because James's is sitting on my feet, I can't do anything but scowl. "Know what?"
"That you have a giant crush on him."
I scoff. "Are you kidding me? No."
"Why not? He deserves to know," James says, his eyes wide and serious.
"Why would he deserve to know? I shouldn't ruin over friendship because of a passing thing like a crush."
"The pictures on your laptop suggest it's not a passing thing."
I roll my eyes, then try to pull out of my blankets, but James is too fat and heavy for my legs to even budge.
"Maybe I should tell Archer," James begins slowly.
I pause. "Don't you dare."
"Try and stop me."
Throwing a pillow on my face, James sprints out of my bedroom. With a gasp, I launch off my bed and follow him downstairs. He's running out on to the front yard, where everybody is packing up their luggage, and calling Archer's name. I chase after him in my bunny slippers, fuzzy pajamas and a murderous scowl.
"Everybody," James calls, stopping in the driveway. "I have an important -"
"Nobody listen to him!"
I leap on James's back and wrap my arms around his neck just like I used to do when we were kids. The only trouble is that James is way stronger now, so I can't just the tackle him to the ground. So, with the entirety of my body weight, I shove him forwards and onto Aunt Sue's car.
Now that the holidays are over, Grandmother, Aunt Sue and Bettie are heading back to their homes. They were busy putting luggage into the trunks of the cars, but stop once they see us.
Archer and Bettie, who are standing behind Aunt Sue's car, gawk at us.
"It's about Archer," James chokes out. "I have... important...information..."
"Shut up, imbecile," I wrap my arms tighter around his neck and so that he falls onto his knees on the concrete driveway. "Or I'm going to squeeze you so hard that your tongue will pop out."
"Archer...help..." James gasps, reaching an arm out.
Archer raises an eyebrow.
"Nobody's going to help you now," I say, but the stamina to keep my arms around his neck is starting to tire me too.
It takes another minute for the both of us rolling in the driveway before mom marches up to us, high heels snapping across the concrete. She grabs the back of my pajama shirt and tugs me away from James with a surprising amount of force. I squirm against her but she pulls me aside.
James stands up, rubbing his neck, grinning like a moron. He's enjoying every minute of this.
My brother is a psychopath, I decide.
"Don't you dare say anything."
"Archer, there's something you should know."
"Shut up!"
"Peyton has -"
"SHUT UP!"
"- a cru -"
Mom's arms hold me back from choking him again so I let out my highest, loudest, ear-torturing scream and don't stop until I run out of my breath, surprising even myself with the volume of my voice. Once I'm finished, everybody just stares at me in complete shock.
Except James, who is seconds away from bursting into laughter.
"Um," A voice comes from behind us. Derek stands at the edge of our driveway, face pale and eyes wide. "Should I come back another time?"
None of us say anything.
"Did you need something?" Archer, as always, is the first one to speak.
Derek tugs the edge of his collar awkwardly. "No, I just wanted to talk to Bettie before she left."
"Oh okay," Bettie, whose face is bright pink, says. "I'll be there in a second."
Bettie hands Archer her box of romance novels, tucks a stray behind her ear, then walks over to Derek. They stroll a little way down the street, chatting quietly. Archer has both of his eyebrows raised, clearly ignorant about this new development. Meanwhile, Aunt Sue seems annoyed that Bettie has eyes for somebody other than Archer.
James's phone pings. He checks, then says, "I should get this."
"I'm going to slit your throat when you're sleeping," I tell him while he passes by.
James grins, then salutes me before going back into the house. Melody runs after him, no doubt going to ask him what our argument was all about. Little by little, the tension diffuses. Aunt Sue and dad go back to packing. Mom releases me.
"Teenagers these days,"Â Grandmother, who's lounging in one of the cars, sneers. Even though the windows are open, she's blasting the AC. "I hope you learn how to control your daughter better, Lucy."
"I know, mom," Mom says tiredly. "Peyton, can you go help Archer with the rest of the luggage?"
"She doesn't need to do that," Aunt Sue interrupts, her eyes darting between us. "I'm sure Bettie will be back any moment."
"Let Peyton do it," Grandmother reclines in her seat. "Lord knows that woman needs to do some labor once in a while."
I roll my eyes, but go over to Archer to help him load the suitcase in the trunk. He has a stupid grin on his face, but I ignore it, focusing on moving Bettie's luggage (which is pretty heavy for a teenage girl) into the car. When we're done, Archer close the trunk with a soft click. I avoid eye contact with him.
Bettie and Derek still haven't come back yet. Aunt Sue seems distressed.
"Want to go chill in the treehouse?" Archer suggests after we're done. "Seeing as how we have school tomorrow, it might be a nice break."
Never one to pass a chance at bird-watching, I say. "Sure. I'll get my binoculars. And change out of my pajamas."
"Okay. But keep the bunny slippers," Archer calls.
I grab my binoculars and bird-watching book from my bedroom, then slip out onto the beach, where the sun is just beginning to slink under the horizon. Archer's already in the treehouse when I get there, sitting on the edge with his feet hanging outside.
I sit next to him and watch for birds.
Besides a couple of pelicans, there aren't that many. So then, I use the binoculars to spy on James talking on the phone for a few minutes, attempting to read his lips so that I can find out dirt about him and take revenge.
Oh, wait!
This is the perfect time to figure out what type of partner Archer likes.
"Archer, do you have any new year resolutions?" I ask, lowering my binoculars.
His head is tilted back to face the sky, eyes are. "Some, I suppose. Get into art school with a swimming scholarship. Paint new paintings. Draw new drawings. Make new friends. Win some matches."
"Hmm," I say. "Anything else?"
He opens his eyes, then turns his head to look at me. "Like what?"
"I don't know. What type of friends do you want to make?"
"All types of friends."
"Even - even girlfriends?"
Archer bites his lower lip, as if he's trying to stop the grin spreading across his face. It doesn't work. He's smiling so brightly that heat crawls up my neck, sticking to my palms and flushing my cheeks.
"A girlfriend?" He says. "Well, I wouldn't be opposed to one."
Stopping now would derail my whole plan. Since I don't have many plans left, I trudge forward, ignoring the embarrassment that ignites within me.
"So, if you had a girlfriend, what would you want her to be like?" I say.
Archer just keeps grinning.
I roll my eyes. "Just answer the question."
"Let me think," He tilts his head to the right so that he's getting a better angle of me. "Well, she'd have to have a good sense of humor, I suppose. And honest about who she is as a person, to both herself and other people -"
Shoot. I need to be remembering all this. What did he say again?"
" - probably shy at first, but when sweet when you get her to open up and passionate about certain ideas. Like, I don't know, animal rights -"
I narrow my eyes.
He continues, grin growing wider with every word. " - I'd also like her to have weird-colored hair, because that's pretty hot. Maybe red hair, or light red hair, or even pink -"
"Archer," I warn, even as my heart jumps up and down in joy. "Stop teasing me."
"Peyton, come on, do I look like I'm teasing y -" He bursts into laughter, unable to even finish the sentence.
I roll my eyes, acting like I'm annoyed with him, and not extremely flustered.
Archer doesn't even see my expression. He's doubling over in laughter, nearly tipping over to my lap before I catch him by the shoulders. All he can manage to get out is the words "your face...your face..." over and over again.
Not even my death glaring can calm him down.
Maybe it's because it's less death-glare and more pouting. Finally, I give up and cross my arms, waiting until he finishes.
"Are you done?" I demand, once he lies back on the treehouse.
"Yeah," His lips twitch, threatening another round of laughter. "You should have seen -"
"My face. I know, you've said it a million times.
Archer chuckles.
I sigh and turn my attention the sunset, which turns the the ocean into an oil painting of muted oranges and pinks. It casts a sweet glow over Archer's face, making him look more beautiful than all those pictures on my laptop combined.
That smile.
My heart squeezes again, so tight it almost hurts.
And at that moment, I know I can't go through with this plan. Sure, I don't want to set him up with somebody else, but I can't just put his pictures online without his permission. That would invade his privacy - something I know from first-hand experience.
After I've had my epiphany, Archer sits up and rests his head on my shoulder. Shivers run down my spine. I stay still, not wanting to make any move that would suggest I want him to go away.
"What about you?" Archer finally says. "What's your ideal guy?"
He's sitting next to me.
Instead, I say. "Don't have one."
Luckily, he leaves it like that. And we stay watching the sun dip below the horizon until it's time to say goodbye to everybody.
"I wasn't really going to tell Archer about you-know-what," James tells me.
"Yeah, whatever."
James grins and because he's my brother, I smile too. We hug one last time before he climbs into his car and drives away to college. Bettie arrives at the last minute, a huge smile, even bigger than she was with Archer, on her face. Within minutes, they're gone. Soon, everybody walks back into their houses, Archer included.
I stay on the driveway for a full minute afterwards, listening to the distant crash of the waves, frowning. Thinking.
Plan D: Fail.
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Fun Fact: Bettie was based on my 13 year-old self. My self-esteem was so low that I constantly slut-shamed other girls. Proud to say that I don't think that way anymore. All girls are amazing.
Next Chapter: Peyton goes to therapy.
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Dedications go to Gen___, Haysiangirl, YouCanRattleTheStars, meissarcasticc, H3CKL3B3RRY, xTheConverseGirl, TheNerd_In_Converse, and sea_sheel_lov.
Thanks for reading!
QotC: What's your favorite TV show? (Mine is currently Stranger Things because of how good Steve's and Hopper's character arcs are.)