*Trigger warning: self harm/suicide scenes*
As I've mentioned before, this book does contain mature themes and sensitive topics, this chapter more so than the rest, so please think about if that's something you'd be comfortable with reading before going on further.
(dedicated to anyone and everyone who picked this book up and stayed throughout the journey, you guys make my day, so thank you guys so so so much!)
*****
I didn't go back to school for the next few weeks.
But that didn't mean that the words didn't find their way to me, haunting me, taunting me. Reminding me of just how worthless I was.
These days I was almost too scared to open any social media accounts I owned. People I had once called 'friends' had now spammed my facebook wall with short clips of the video, adding their own captions underneath them, it sickened me to know that everyone I knew outside of the school environment was now going to see that video and truly hate me.
My twitter was filled with comments, disturbing, ugly comments, comments that would make me well up in tears and sob for hours on end, comments that would have me running to the bathroom unable to keep my dinner down. Comments that made me feel absolutely disgusting.
It was the same with Tumblr and Instagram, the words following me everywhere I went.
Standing under the shower, I let the hot shards of water pelt me.I clawed at my skin, scratching across my arms and breasts. I felt disgusting. I wanted to take away my skin. Take away any place in which anyone would have touched me at. My body reminded me of their awful words, I hated them. I hated my body.
I had red scratches across my arms from where I had become so desperate I had ripped some of the skin off with my fingernails, the dried blood from underneath my fingernails washing away as the water hit them. There were scars over my wrist, scars on my legs. My once smooth skin was filled with scars.
And that's what I wanted. I wanted people to look at my body and cringe away in disgust. I didn't want anyone to touch me anymore. Not after what had happened.
Never again.
My eyes clenched tight at the memory, tears leaking from my eyes and trailing down my face as I recalled his hands covering my mouth, his other at my throat, daring me to move. I bit down on my lip, so hard that I tore the skin away from it, leaving it raw and red. I remembered his own lips forcing down on mine, muffling anything I could have said.
I remembered the way he ripped away at my clothes, the way his eyes trailed down my body, the way he used me, the way he smashed my head against the wall, hard enough to leave stars in my mind.
But most of all, I remembered the way they stood there. The way they stood there and laughed and pointed.
Like it was all a game.
Like I was just a toy.
Maybe I was.
I was almost passed out by the time Heather found me, her voice frantic, worried at how she wasn't able to contact me, how she came as fast as she could as soon as she recieved my 'SOS' message.
But she was too late.
They had already left.
My fingers trembled as I pulled a blanket over my wet and naked body, my eyes wandering around the room before I caught sight of the glinting object.
Slowly, I moved closer towards it, reaching out to feel the smooth blade in my hand, the feeling so foreign yet also not at the same time.
They were all right.
I was disgusting.
I watched as the red pooled over my blanket, relishing in the feeling of pain, in the feeling of raw hurt.
I deserved everything I received.
I was a whore.
I didn't deserve to live.
I didn't want to live.
And as I pushed the blade against my skin for one last time, the pressure almost unbearable, I thought, I really thought, that maybe if I wasn't there to feel it, the words wouldn't hurt anymore.
No one could hurt me anymore.
*****
Please read this next bit below.
This was an emotional chapter for me to write, I didn't want to bring myself to do it. I absolutely hated writing it, having been with Anya for all of her journey, I could feel exactly what she was feeling. I could feel the words stabbing at my heart and to write this was just so so hard.
I don't know how many of you feel about this ending but it was what I had planned from the start. This book was written to raise awareness of the words that you might just jokingly say, but to the person whom you say it to, could destroy their entire will to live. This happens in real life all the time and bullying is a massive issue that is yet to be resolved.
This book was fuelled from my distaste of the stereotype of someone being a 'slut' purely because that certain individual enjoys sleeping with others. I've seen it being commented many times on Wattpad and it was disheartening to see so many people be quick to judge. What someone does with their body is their business and up to them.
With all that being said, if any of you reading have been bullied/are being bullied, please don't keep it all in, seek help, it could be anyone, a friend, a teacher, your parents. Reach out and tell someone, please, please, please don't keep it in because it will slowly destroy you. For anyone who wants to talk my inbox will always be open and you are free to contact me at any time! Seriously, you can contact me about anything, even if you just need an ear to listen to you.
Thank you all so much for joining me on this journey, I've loved seeing your comments, it really does make my day!
I'm planning to write an epilogue so do watch out for that!
till then.