Chapter 45: : Chapter 45

‘Florence!’ My eyes snap open but I still can’t move. Elija’s looking at me, seeming relieved to see me awake but I’m still panicking. Why can’t I move? Why can’t I speak?

‘Woah, hey, breathe,’ Elija snaps, noticing something is wrong. He cups my face with his hands and it’s like a spell is broken. My hands fly up to wrap around his wrists, needing to make sure he’s really here.

‘Fuck,’ I say. ‘I couldn’t move.’

‘Sleep paralysis. You were having a nightmare and wouldn’t wake up,’ he says, sitting back on his knees. ‘Was it about last night?’

‘Yeah,’ I tell him, focusing on the way his thumb is stroking my cheek instead of what I dreamt of. Is that what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten away? Not the part with Elija, of course, but the other aspects. I shudder at the thought. I’m safe, I remind myself.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

‘I think it’s okay. Probably just my brain trying to cope with what happened but I’m sure it won’t happen again. Now, I don’t want to throw you out but I need to catch up on some reading. You can stay, of course. Just don’t try to talk to me because I will ignore you,’ I tell him sweetly. Honestly, my escapism has been feeling neglected. Besides, I could use a break from this reality right about now.

‘Bold of you to assume I won’t read something myself. You said I had to read Legendborn since it’s one of your favorite Y/As. I think I’m in the mood for that. After we ate breakfast, of course,’ he says. I groan comically.

‘But if I eat then I won’t be able to lie down to read,’ I complain, turning on my bed until I’m sprawled over him. Elija said he’d like me to tell him about my ed so he can understand it better and try to help as long as I’m comfortable with it. I’m not going to sit him down and give him a lecture though. It’s either dealing with it with sarcasm and humor or not at all.

The guy beneath me muses. ‘Sitting’s really good for you. Or so I’ve heard. Besides, I’m starving and eating alone is just sad. Your pick though since I’m feeling generous,’ he teases me. I sit up, pouting, and hit his shoulder. ‘Don’t look at me like that. Your brain needs something to work off if it’s going to spend the next few hours creating different words and characters.’

‘Fine. I like apples, they’re easy to stomach. Fruit and vegetables work best on bad days, generally. Not bananas though.’

‘Is today a bad day?’ he asks, sitting up himself. His hair is all tousled from sleep and I itch with the urge to lean over and run my fingers through it. But I remind myself that we’re having a conversation and that’d be very inappropriate.

‘I don’t know. I don’t feel sick thinking about it right now so it’s not terrible,’ I tell him with a smile.

‘What do you do on the days that are terrible?’

‘Well, sometimes I don’t eat. Or I eat multiple small meals but it’s complicated.’ I think about my next words before deciding to take the leap, really letting him in. ‘It’s like this, I don’t really like food but at the same time, I know I need it. Especially if I don’t want to lose weight, which I really don’t. Whatever.’ I chuckle. ‘Generally, it’s easier for me to eat small meals because I feel less bad about it. But eating smaller meals means eating more often and that brings its own problems,’ I stop there, trying to give Elija some time to think about it. If he wants me to go on, he can tell me. If not, that’s fine too. I don’t want to force this on him.

‘Which are?’ he asks.

‘Every time I eat, I feel bad about it afterward. Like my body’s too heavy, especially lying down doesn’t work then. I always imagine the food being pulled down against my ribs by gravity, gathering on the inside of my stomach even though I know it’s ridiculous. I’ve grown used to it though, so it’s just a bit uncomfortable. When I eat many small meals I just feel bad all day.’

‘That happens every time you eat?’ he asks, his eyebrows furrowed. Man, I wish I knew what he was thinking.

‘I guess. The feeling definitely but on good days I don’t get sick because of my food. Sometimes I even want to eat though that’s mostly confusing,’ I say. I can’t believe I’m actually talking about this. More than that, I can’t believe Elija seems this interested.

On second thought, some doubt creeps up on me. What if he feels bad and that’s why he sticks around? After all, this side is so different from the Florence he got to know.

‘How come?’ Elija asks.

‘We don’t have to keep talking about it if you don’t want. You said you were hungry,’ I tell him to which he takes my hand in his.

‘Well, since I’m a big boy, I think I can manage to wait a little longer,’ he teases me. I’m glad he lightened the mood.

‘If you’re sure. But I’m telling you now, I won’t take the blame if you pass of starvation.’

‘I’d never ask you to. Now go on, how is it confusing?’

‘I guess it makes me feel like I’m faking it. Like the bad days are just in my imagination and that I really don’t have a problem,’ I say honestly. Elija blows out a breath.

‘So you feel bad when you can’t eat and you feel bad when you can. You also don’t like to eat but you feel bad when you do,’ he repeats.

‘Sums it up nicely, I’d say.’

‘That sucks. Is there anything else?’

‘While we’re at it, I might as well mention that water’s a problem too. Or just drinking in general,’ I tell him.

‘So basically, whenever you consume anything at all, you feel bad?’

‘It sounds worse than it is. You kind of get used to it, you know. And water by itself is the easiest, I guess. It’s never made me sick so that’s something. It just feels like another meal minus the nausea. Last thing before we’re done, it’s the sudden urge to throw up that’s the worst. I don’t get it often but you’ll definitely notice when I do. It can come after a single bite or a whole meal. Without warning, my stomach clenches and it’s really hard to keep my meal down. Oh well, let’s go find some food.’

I jump off the bed and head to the kitchen. I expected to feel really bad after talking about all of this but weirdly, I don’t. No sickness at the thought of food yet. Yay.

‘Have you ever thrown up? Like purposefully?’ Elija asks from behind me.

‘I’ve tried. No matter what life hack I used, it didn’t work so I eventually gave up. Does that bother you?’ I ask without turning around.

‘What exactly?’

‘All of it? Any of it? I mean, it must seem weird to you,’ I say. Elija stays silent until we reach my kitchen. There, he steps around me to look at me.

‘It doesn’t seem weird. It’s a lot of new information and I hate that you have to deal with all that on a daily basis. Really, really hate it. But it’s not weird. I do think that there must be a better way to deal with it than getting used to it though and it’s your choice but I’d like to help you in any way I can.’ This boy! How does he always know just what to say, honestly!

I smile at him before rising on my tiptoes to press my lips to his. He leans down, pulling me closer and making me sigh against him. Here, in his arms and breathing the same air as him, nothing can hurt me.