I have never been a light sleeper. Back at home, Keenan could scream at the other side of my bedroom door and I wouldn't notice. Keenan could bang on my door and I wouldn't notice. Keenan could shake my shoulder and I would still stay asleep.
But this is no home. This is the enemy's land. And it's not Keenan who is touching my shoulder. This is the monster himself. In a blink of an eye, I'm up and standing, almost falling to the ground from the unwanted touch. My body is ready to shift.
It's dark outside already, drowning everything in shadows. But I don't need the light to know who's standing in front of me, grabbing my waist to steady me so I wouldn't fall. Even through my sweater, I can feel his fingers, the sickening warmth seeping into my skin. It is enough to make me relive the horrors of last night over and over again. Focus, Eira.
His icy stare pierces my eyes, but he wouldn't find me looking back at him. My eyes are looking nowhere in particular, now blank and empty. I refuse to show him any emotion, I refuse to show him my true self. He has already taken my body physically, but he will never take my soul.
The monster grips my chin. I clench my fists, nails digging in my palms so hard I puncture the skin. Liquid, warm and thick, runs down my palm, leaving a trail of bright red.
Ronan stands in front of me, his chest bare, hard muscles on full display. He smells like smoke and pine and forest. ''Why are you here? You are not allowed to sleep anywhere but in our bedroom for the night. I'm not in the mood to go and look for you every evening. Understood?''
He's angry. I could tell him I came here in the afternoon and slept since then, but I don't bother. I won't try to explain myself to him. I won't give him more than it has to be said to get me through the day. So I just nod my head, a blank look still on my face. I count once again, making my mind focus on numbers and not on his touch.
He pushes me out of the study and into his bedroom. It will never be ours. I'm ready to go to bed with my clothes still on but I doubt he would approve. So I take my sweater off, leaving on a t-shirt underneath it. I turn to the bed, but the monster stops me, wrapping his hands around my waist, and pulling me against his chest. He lowers his head, pushing my head to the side, revealing my neck, and inhales deeply, enjoying the smell of his mate. I, on the other hand, try to stop shaking.
Ronan slowly turns me around, reluctantly lets me go, and pushes me towards the bathroom. ''I filled a bath for you, you're probably still sore after that little stunt you did yesterday. Tomorrow we'll go hunting, I need you well-rested,'' he says, taking his belt off. Again, I don't say a word, only go to the wardrobe, pick some shorts and a tank top, and head to the bathroom.
The bath, steaming from hot water, actually looks nice, the soft scent of lavender calms my nerves a little. I strip, not really caring if he can see me, and sit in a tub. Hot water burns my skin, but I find peace in the pain. I close my eyes and lean my head back, enjoying the serenity.
Sadly, the door opens and the monster comes in. I force myself not to move, still keeping my eyes shut. He comes to me, kisses my forehead, and turns the shower on. A shiver runs through my skin.
I take a little peep. I can see his back through the shower glass, tight muscles clearly visible. He has tattoos all over both of his arms and back, they enhance his pale skin and hair. I can't deny the fact that he is a handsome man. He's strong, powerful, and a great leader. His pack grows with each day. He is a true Alpha, born to rule and lead.
It all sounds so nice. I should be happy to have him by my side. Always protected, loved. Taken care of. I don't need to go hunting to survive.
But it doesn't change anything, though. This man stole me away from my home, beat me, and raped me. Made me his prisoner. And now he dares to fill me a bath, to kiss my forehead like a loving mate. I've been here for only a few days but it's already too much for me to handle.
And the hardest part of all of this, of course, was sex. I couldn't believe how great it felt, even though I hated every second of it. It was just like it had to be with the mate - it felt like honey, like fireworks, it felt like you were slightly drunk. It was nothing like I've experienced before - a few minutes of passion, heated kisses, and a quick release. That was just plain sex. This was... euphoric.
And the fact that Ronan made me feel this way made it so much worse. I felt so ashamed that I enjoyed it. I know that it's the mating bond that makes me feel like this, but still, seeing my body betraying me like this... I didn't choose this, I didn't love this man. I hate him and all it was, no matter how good it felt, rape.
The monster, of course, did not think like that. He thought that he only took what was rightfully his. He thought I belong to him, that he owns me, my body, my soul. And that I don't have any right to even think differently.
Or maybe I should just give in? Would it really be that bad? This could be a simple life for me, maybe I'd even convince Ronan to let my brother and mom live here too. We would be out of that village, out of poverty.
But how could I ever make peace with what this man has done to me? And what he will do to me every night from now on? I'd have to become a pretty doll at the Alpha's side, an obedient baby-making machine, ready to fill every need of a man who kidnapped me.
No, this is not life for me.
I force myself to relax again. I can't change what happened to me, but I still can change the future. The monster didn't lock me up, he let me freely roam the territory. I can still use this. I can still escape.
However, I know I will have to flee the country. Ronan would find my family, our village is just too close. Maybe I'll take both Keenan and my mother and we'll go to some big city. Keenan's dream would come true. And the monster would never find us. We all could find jobs, start a new life...
I was woken from my thoughts as he exited the shower and stood beside the bath. ''Come on, get up, water's already cooling.'' He holds a towel, wanting me to stand and wrap me in it. He is testing me again, checking how obedient I am. I can't fuck up again. I have to do it if I ever want to escape. Make him trust you. So I pull out a plug, water quickly draining, and stand up. His eyes slowly trail down my body, then up again. I wrap my arms around myself, wanting to disappear.
''You don't have to hide from me, Eira''he murmurs, his voice husky. Oh god, will he do this to me again tonight? He wraps the towel around me, picks me up, and lifts me out of the bath, holding his hands tightly around me, his naked chest pressing against mine. His touch burns me, setting my skin on fire, tiny needles poking me again. My head starts to become so light like I was underwater... Darkness blurs my vision, threatening to shut my body down.
But then Ronan's lips press on the mark he gave me and I am suddenly pulled out, my body on flames once again, but this time it doesn't burn, it sets me alive. He kisses me slowly, taking his time, his arms wandering my body, soft and steady, giving me unwanted pleasure. God, I hate this stupid mark... My wolf was dancing inside me, ecstatic, enjoying every second of it. And, as always, she wants more.
I try to push Ronan away, knowing full well how wrong this is, but he doesn't even notice my struggles. His hands are now gripping the back of my thighs, his lips caressing my neck, my collarbone, the top of my breasts... I almost moan. I had to stop this.
''Ronan, Ronan please, stop, nhhhh'' I gasp as he nips at my skin, my arms involuntary grabbing his shoulders, pulling him closer, sweet ache pooling low in my abdomen. I can feel him smiling against my skin, knowing what he can do with his touch, enjoying my reaction.
But I know what will happen next if I don't stop him now. And I didn't drink that special tea... I freeze, shiver running down my body, completely waking me from this strange bliss Ronan's touch put me in. I shove him harder this time, making him lift his head. His eyes are darker now, annoyed I interrupted his fun. A low growl erupts in his throat. No one fucks with Alpha's playtime with his mate. Even the mate herself. Shit, I need to find the right words...
''Please, Ronan, I'm still so very sore from yesterday, it will hurt really bad if we...'' I look down, making myself look embarrassed, hiding my disgust. ''Please, you said tomorrow we'll go hunting. I don't want to make a fool of myself by not having enough energy and making myself look weak. Can we not do this tonight?'' I look up, placing my best doe eyes at him.
He stares at me for a while, then smiles. ''Eira, darling, I'm not that stupid. And I'm used to getting what I want. And now, all I want is you.'' He grins wickedly at me and I can't stop my tears from falling. He brushes them away with his thumb, caressing my face. ''Don't cry, love, I'll make this feel very nice for you.''
And he did.
*****
I couldn't sleep. With every passing second, my anxiety grows bigger and bigger, making me fidgety and restless. Finally, sometime around midnight, I couldn't take it anymore. As gently as I can, I try to move Ronan's hand away from my chest and belly, but he is holding me tightly against his chest, his other arm draped under my head. Even deep in his sleep, Ronan makes sure to make me feel like I'm in prison.
I try again, lightly wiggling my hips and shoulders. Finally, inch by inch, I am able to move myself away from him. I quietly step out of the bed, grab one of his shirts and quickly put it on. It is long enough to cover my thighs.
I tiptoe to the door and gently try the handle. It was a pleasant surprise to find it unlocked. Did he forget or is he so confident I won't escape even if I tried? I turn over my shoulder to check, but Ronan is still sleeping, his face buried in pillows. I take a deep breath and step out of the room and go to the kitchen.
I find the herb stash between other spices, take a little bit of it, and make myself a cup of tea. I mix some camomile too, masking the unpleasant smell. I must not raise any suspicion. When the tea is ready, I place my mug on the little bar area and sit on the stool, and, not waiting for the tea to cool, start slowly sipping. I try to stop myself from gagging as the bitter taste washes down my throat.
My body hurts badly. The monster wasn't gentle with me this time. And was he ever gentle? No. So why do I expect him to be?  I couldn't even sit straight without wincing. I hate this so much - the feeling of disgust and shame. Little whore to please the Alpha's wishes... And his smell, lingering on my body... I feel... owned, like a dog. I'll have to scrub myself for hours to wash away this stench. I hope that stupid bitch will die a slow and painful death. I hope I will be the one who kills him.
When I am almost done with my tea, and my eyes are not wet from tears anymore, my ears catch the sound of quick footsteps coming down the stairs. I don't need to see who it is. It seems that the monster can't keep himself away from me even for a second. I can't stop myself from rolling my eyes, my moment of peace ruined.
Ronan looks relieved to see me sitting here. He probably thought I ran away. Well sadly, I'm still here, you pervert. He brushes his ivory hair away from his face, tousling it even more than it was before, and steps towards me. ''Eira, what are you doing here? You should be in bed.'' Oh, fuck you and your bed, you fucking rapist.
I look at him, holding a mug near my lips, trying not to growl ''I found it hard to sleep. So I made myself some tea.'' Yeah, and I wanted to be alone at least for a second so that I wouldn't get yet another panic attack, but a girl can only hope, huh.
He comes behind me, wrapping his hands around me. The patterns of ink clearly visible on his pale skin. He leans to kiss my exposed shoulder, but stops, smelling the air. Shit, does he suspect? My fingers grip the mug a little harder.
Then he turns to me, scowling. ''How can you drink this? It smells disgusting'' he points to my tea. No, my dear mate, you are disgusting. ''Don't like camomiles?'' I asked instead, with no emotion in my voice, relaxing a little. He doesn't suspect a thing.
''No, I guess I don't... Come on, let's get you back to bed.'' He starts to nuzzle my neck and all of that shit again. I sigh, not wanting to go. I would much rather stay in this cold kitchen drinking this insipid tea than go anywhere with him. Still, I gently unwrap his stupid arms from me, stand up, and head back to the bedroom I started to hate so much. I let him walk in front of me, not wanting him to see me from behind. He could get some ideas and it's the last thing I need right now.
As soon as I climb into the bed, the monster reaches, grabs my waist, and pulls me to his chest, his lips pressed to the spot he bit me. Gentle, soothing waves consume my body from that unwanted touch and finally, I am able to fall asleep.
A/N
Hello, my lovelies! Thank you so much for voting for my story! I actually never thought it could get any votes :D Writing is kinda my therapy and doing it makes me feel better these days, but seeing you guys voting makes me want to write even more! So thank you again and please let me know what you think in the comments!
Love,
J.