He looks at me amusingly and a smile is tugging at his lips but he fights it.
"You find this funny now but wait till you have to write something like this. You'll understand my pain there" he huff in annoyance but there is still a floating smile on his lips to ensure that I haven't pissed him off.
Yet.
"What is this song for?" I ask, trying to make a conversation.
Maybe it is because we are alone here or maybe this library is too welcoming to put me at ease but I want to talk to someone.
I have only talked to San today and the rest were conversations I just wanted to erase from my brain as well as existence.
I was not going to think about them again.
And this guy looked relatively harmless and inviting actually.
"A performance. Some fundraiser for the school and what not" he said irritated and the smile he had till now actually slipped from his lips, a scowl taking its place.
He looks dangerous when he is scowling.
I keep quiet.
"My band mates decided it would suit our image well to do a tragic teen song, given how everyone in this school is a hormonal teen" he shrugs and scribbles something in his notepad again.
"I mean, I don't understand the need for this fundraiser you know? The school already has enough money as it is. What's the use of wanting more?" he waives the pencil around in the air.
"I am curious about that too. I didn't know there were fundraises here" I say. What does this school need funds for?
"Same bullshit every year. Just a bunch of old rich assholes coming together to flaunt their wealth. That's it" he speaks with disdain lacing his voice.
"And why do I got to sing in front of some 200-something people all around their 60's who will never understand my songs anyway" he sighs exasperated and continues.
"Don't go then" I suggest.
He smiles ruefully at me and his eyes sparkle with something.
His eyes are captivating.
No Yuri, that's probably because of the contacts he's wearing.
"If only that were possible. If only" he sighs dejectedly.
He runs his hand through his hair, tousling it more.
"If only I could just binge eat the greasy hamburger and cold fries from my favorite takeout place and do a fast and furious marathon with my friends instead of going to this shitshow wearing my best dress and nibble on finger foods all night long, hoping for my death" he voice strained as if he wanted to curse.
"I mean, you could do that afterward, maybe?" I suggest, not knowing what else to say.
I have no idea what kind of conversation we are having right now but at least I am happy that I am talking to someone normal here for a change.
Thought the term normal is very subjective.
"Will you be coming to this as well?" he asks, his eyes zeroing in on me.
"I have yet to hear about this fundraiser you're talking about. So maybe not" I shrug.
"Trust me you're not missing out on anything" he smiles ruefully and winks at me, his head resting on the shelves.
I am not sure whether he is this open to everyone he meets for the first time or is it just the atmosphere in the library that makes him so honest.
Maybe I give off an aura of a good listener.
Yeah, no. that's not it.
I have been reprimanded for my resting bitch face multiple times by multiple people around me.
I am not sure, maybe he just needs a person to whom he can vent and a stranger seems like a better option to him right now.
Whatever it may be, he sounds just as exhausted as I feel and that brings out a soft corner in me.
"Why don't you try to focus more on your feeling of loss and what it is like without her in your life?" I suggest.
It is true that I have never loved someone or had a breakup but I have read a lot of romance novels.
I can write romance novels.
So, a song should be the same right?
Telling your story in words with rhythm instead of binding them to pages.
"But what if I don't feel loss? What if I feel like my world is going on just as well as it did before everything happened, then what?" he asks.
Good question.
That usually doesn't happen in movies.
Shit.
"Well, did you love her?" I ask him instead of answering his question.
"Yes," he answers without missing a beat.
"Then you must have been sad when you broke up, right?" I ask and he contemplates for a moment and then shakes his head.
I am confused.
"I wasn't sad. I have been told I should be if I did seriously have feelings for her but I don't know. I just don't. I just feel it is okay. This is not the end of the world. And I wish her happiness" he shrugged.
"As you know, it doesn't always have to be messy. People expect teenage love to be messy and a wreck. It should be filled with angst but doesn't it drain the life out of you like that?" he asks me with earnest eyes but I don't have any answers to give him.
"Why do I have to mourn my relationship? it is okay if it ended. We are on good terms and we are both happy where we are. Why do I need to make it out to be more than that?"
I just nod as if I agree with him because I have no input to give him.
"Can't I just be happy? Do you know? It's like it is a crime to be happy after a breakup" he shakes his head and his blonde hair flops over his forehead, pushing back.
I understand what he means. But then again I have never been through a relationship of any sort to make a comment.
"Wow, you're much more mature than any other seventeen-year-old I know" I spoke honestly.
"I am fifteen," he said deadpan.
What?
"By your expression, I am guessing you're older than me" he nodded as if coming to a conclusion.
"You must be new here. Ah right, the scholarship students are supposed to join today. You must be one of them" he smiles like he has answered a quiz correctly.
"Ah yes. I am Yuri. I am a junior" I introduce myself.
"So a year older. That's okay. But we are in the same year anyway. I skipped a grade when I was little" he shrugs.
I nod. I am nodding a lot in this conversation.
"You're not one of those who are strict about seniority, are you?" he asks with a disgusted face but the humor in his eyes returns.
"No, not really" I answer honestly.
San and Woojin were both a year older than me but I never used honorifics with them. I can't even imagine using honorifics with them. I'll probably laugh at their faces if they ask me to.
"Good, so I'll just call you Yuri" he seems satisfied with himself.
He gets up from his place and dusts off the back of his pants.
He offers me a hand and I don't hesitate to take it as I get up as well.
"Well Yuri, it was nice meeting you and nice to make a new friend here. Hope to see you around" with a smile, he turns around and starts walking away.
I realize I did not ask him his name. I open my mouth to call after him when he turns and looks at me as if reading my mind.
"Oh, silly me, I completely forgot to tell you my name. since you're new you probably don't know me" he started walking towards me till he was standing too close, invading my personal space.
"Hi, I am Beomgyu, but you can call me Gyu" He smiles brightly.