"Oh my god! Yuri, I am so happy for you" San screamed as he jumped up and down in front of me, finally pulling me up and into a bear hug.
Even with everything on my mind, his happiness was infectious and I couldn't help but hug him back.
This was the first time I said it out loud.
It feels a little more real than it did when I first read the lines on the email but it still is unreal to me.
I still can't believe it.
I really couldn't believe that I got it.
As a child, I really did want to go to that school.
Every child did.
It was the golden dream.
But as I grew up and reality hit me, I realized that school was out of my reach.
Everything that school stood for, was out of my reach.
But surprisingly, I was okay with that.
I understood early on that my family and my life was very different from the lives of the students there.
I got a taste of reality check much quicker than I could have anticipated but it helped me understand that my golden dream was just glitters over a tarnished idea.
Now that this happened, I really didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to feel.
I didn't know how to react.
There was a whirlwind of emotion inside me and I didn't know which emotion will surface first.
I know the emotions will burst out soon because it is bubbling under the surface.
I just don't know when it is going to happen.
Well, mental breakdowns never really come with a warning, now do they?
"How did auntie and uncle take the news? They must have been so happy that you got in" he smiles as he finally pulls away from me, studying my expression.
As I just stare at him without answering, his smiles become smaller and smaller till his lips are in a thin line.
"You didn't tell them, did you?" he asks and drops his hands from my shoulder.
I just shrug.
I don't really know what else to say.
San can see through me.
He knows me too well for me to lie but I also don't want to voice out my insecurities.
There was no point in voicing it out. It would only concrete them.
"Hey, talk to me. What's wrong? Why didn't you tell them? Is it because of the fight you had with auntie?" he asks and pulls me down to sit beside him.
I just shake my head.
I don't want to tell him the truth. I know he will try to understand me but I don't think anyone who isn't in my shoe would truly understand my concerns fully.
"No. The fight was before I read the email. I didn't think I would get it, honestly. Woojin didn't get it. Of course, I didn't think I would!" I throw my hands up in the air.
Woojin was the best student I knew. If he didn't get in, how could I? It wasn't possible.
There must have been a mistake.
"I mean that guy studied so hard for the test and even with his extracurricular activities, social service, and whatnot. I wasn't even going to open that email. I don't know what came over me but I did. I still can't believe it" I say everything in the go, like ripping off a band-aid.
Voicing it out makes my head spin.
I try to calm myself down and I long hard breaths.
I should be feeling elated but then why do I feel like I am running out of air?
He just stares at me.
He doesn't say anything further but just pulls me into another hug, his hand on my head, gently petting me.
My uneven breathing turns to normal little by little and I feel my eyes sting.
San knows me better than I do.
He knows what to do and how to handle my breakdowns.
I am grateful to have him as a friend.
I feel my cheeks warm with the tears that spill down my eyes. I have been trying to hold them back but with San hugginh me and petting my hair, I couldn't hold it in any longer.
I don't even know why I am crying.
What is going on with me today?
He pulls back and wipes my tears. He smiles gently at me as he cups my face in his hands.
"You got in because you are really intelligent and overly talented. Don't undermine yourself. I am proud of you Yuri" San's words make me smile even through my tears.
I shake my head and look away, wiping my tears.
"What is the use of it anyway? It's not like my family will be able to afford it anyway. Even with the institutional fees waived off, I still have to have a pretty decent amount of money for all the other shit" I finally say the real reason I didn't want to go to Royals High.
There was no point in getting in.
I kind of felt angry at the person who chose me as their new grant case.
If I didn't get in, I could easily put it out of my head and leave it at that but now that i got in, knowing that even though I got a chance and wouldn't be abel to get it made it suck harder for me.
My life sucked.
"I can't ask my parents for the money because they have too much on their plate already and even though I have my part-time jobs and some amount saved up, I need it for college so I can't spend it on school. So I have decided not to go" I say out loud.
This was what I had decided as soon as I read the email.
I just didn't want to say it out loud because it kind of sounds pathetic doesn't it?
There are so many people who would do anything to be in my place. I on the other hand have to decline this opportunity.
What a sad life I have.
"Please tell me you didn't already send them an email declining their scholarship. If you did, I will throw you off this hill. I don't care about the consequences" San threatens and I kick him.
I wanted to tell someone before I sent them the email declining their offer. I wanted someone to know about it apart from myself before I quietly buried it.
"No. Poor internet connection. Will do it tomorrow" I shrug again and try not to show how saying these words are affecting me.
San kneels in front of me and holds my hand, making me look into his eyes.
"Yuri, listen to me carefully. You will do no such thing. You will go to Royals High. It is a great opportunity, and trust me you don't want to miss it" he squeezes my hand I just give a brief nod of the head to let him know that I am listening to him.
I still don't think I will go back from what I said but I am still listening to him and what he has to say.
"The classes are smaller with fewer students so that the teachers can focus on each teacher better. The teachers are much better than in our school. The standard of academia not just prepares you for the future in Korea but also Abroad. This school really widens your horizon and it makes you aware of the various opportunities you have in life. You really have to go" San continues.
Was San trying to pitch Royals High to me?
I laughed at his face.
Royals High was the best school in the country and one of the best int he world. I knew about the perks of the school. I didn't need San's words to convince me about the greatness of the school.
"And moreover I know how much you want to pursue creative writing. You can take an extra course at the school for that. This will be a really great opportunity for you, Yuri" he takes a different approach to convinmce me.
He knows about my love for writing and how much I want to pursue it.
"Remember how when we were children, you used to dream of going to Royals High and now when that dream is coming true, please don't let it go to waste. If you need help, I'll talk to my dad -"
"No. That is what I don't want San. I don't want help" I interject him.
I don't want to be a charity case any furhter than I alreasy was.
"I know even with a scholarship, the expenses of this school will put a big dent in my family's pocket. How can I do that? And besides, if I go to Royals High, my parents will try to force me to give up my dream of becoming a writer even more" I wipe the tears and try to convince myself not to cry.
They will spend so much of their hard earned money and always put that over my head as guillotine, forcing me to act the way they want me to.
Thjey would force me to land a white-collar job at some big firm from the connections I make at that school.
But that is not going to happen.
"This is just not going to work out" I cover my face with my hands and groan.
"Don't be stubborn Yuri. You are only focused on one thing. look around and you will see there are a lot of other things to consider as well. If you do really well in the creative writing course here, the teachers will themselves refer you to publishing houses. They will guide you to become better and present opportunities for you." he tries to convince me more.
But I really don't think this is the correct decision for me.
"How do you think, I started entering so many competitions? This is not the best school in the country for no reason" he pries my hands off and makes me look at him again.
It was no shock that this was the best school.
They recruited the best teachers from around the world.
They had the best architecture.
They had the best facilities.
They basically had the best everything.
What would it mean to pass up on this opportunity?
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I am back.
I went to my university for a final time to clear out my dorm. It was very nostalgic and I met my friends after 2.5 years so it was vvv emotional. That is the reason I wanted to unplug and enjoy their company.
But now I am back and I'll upload every day except Sunday. And from next time onwards I'll inform beforehand about a break, if any.
Also, hoping you guys are enjoying the story so far