"Ma, can we not do this tonight? Please?" I request her.
This has been a very long night for me and I really can't have this conversation with her right now. I know I will only be talking to a wall.
"Why not? It's not like I am saying something wrong and you know it" my mother keeps up her voice.
"And do you have any idea how many sacrifices your father and I make every day to help you and your brother out? Do you have any idea?" she demands and I can't keep quiet anymore.
"But I am not asking you or dad to make sacrifices for me" I mumble out and she hits the sides of my arm but I don't flinch.
I don't stop.
"I am not asking you for help. I want to follow my dream. This is something that interests me and I want to continue that" I look up to see my mother livid.
"I agreed when you told me you will not pay for my college if I did my major on that. I agreed. That's why I am working hard to save up" I say, trying my best to not raise my voice."Yo
"You are so ungrateful. You don't care about your parents. You only want to follow this cloud of a dream but you forget you can't walk on clouds Yuri" she scolds, her voice breaking, her eyes full of tears.
"Of course, I care about my family. I know how hard you and dad are working. And that is the reason why I took up the part-time jobs so that I could at least handle my own expenses" I try to reason with her.
But as I said earlier, it is like talking to a wall.
"But you should be studying! You go out early in the morning and come home late, tired and exhausted. You spent the entire summer this way. Do you think a parent likes to watch their children suffer?"
"I am not suffering Ma. I am doing whatever I can to achieve my dream. I will go to college. And I will do my major in what I want. And even though I am working, I always keep in mind not to let my grades get affected. You don't have to worry about that" I say and eat the last few bites.
It is surprising how hungry I was while coming back home but now my hunger has died completely.
But still, I don't want to waste the food on my plate so I finish it.
"I only want what's best for you Yuri. Do you think you will be able to get a job in that line? We are not rich, we cannot do whatever we want. You have to understand that" she holds my hands and looks at me with tear-stained eyes.
"What does being rich have anything to do with this?" I ask as coolly as possible.
She never understands me.
She will never understand me.
"It has everything to do with this. Rich people are allowed to dream. They can do whatever they want in life because they have the safety of money to fall back on if things don't work out" she says and brushes my hair back gently and cups my face in her hands.
"We don't have the option. I just don't want you to embark on a journey that has so many obstacles and variables, not to mention a very slim chance of success" her chest falls up and down rapidly like she is trying to control her tears but the tears don't stop.
"I am not asking for your help. I am doing it on my own. Even if I have to take a year off before I head off to college, I'll do that. I won't ask you for help" I say with more determination than I feel.
This is a fight I wasn't going to let go of.
I could agree to whatever conditions they gave me but this was one thing that was mine.
This was the only thing that I could do for myself that was not influenced by others.
I wasn't going to let go of that dream.
"Where did I go wrong?" she asks and I cannot look at her.
Her words cut deeper into me than I would ever admit.
I know she says the words to hurt me, to emotionally blackmail me into giving in but I hold my ground, no matter how much my eyes sting.
Instead, I pull my face away and tell her that I am tired.
I say my good night and get up, all the while my mother looks at me with a tear-stained face.
I hate seeing her like this.
I hate myself.
I hate her.
After washing my hands I finally go into my room and close the door behind me.
I let the tears fall.
I give myself exactly fifteen minutes to feel sorry for myself and curse at the world for its unfairness but then I collect myself together.
Today has been a very tiring day, but it is still not over for me.
I had things to do.
I needed to check whether my schedule for this academic year has come in my mail or not. I really wanted to take a teacher's class. I hope I registered on time.
I sit on my cushion in front of the small table that holds my makeup, skincare, and the old mirror.
I look at the pictures I have pasted on the wall as I put on moisturizer.
Some are of me and my family.
Some are of me with my friends.
Some were of the places I have visited and some were of places I wanted to visit.
So many things I want to do.
Once I have my moisturizer on, I look carefully in the mirror.
There is definitively going to be a pimple on my forehead tomorrow.
Ugh.
I divert my mind from my actual problems and to trivial things like this.
People say teenage years are the best.
How?
How is this my best?
What is so great about acne and slaving away at school and then working innumerable hours with less than minimum wage?
I am a person who tries to find the silver lining but I just don't know.
Today has just been testing my patience. I feel so drained, both physically and mentally.
My calves are killing me from riding my bicycle too much and standing for so long. I have a bad headache and my eyes are borderline bloodshot from the sleep that dances in my eyes.
But I still need to get some things done before I go to sleep.
If I put it off, for now, it's going to pile up tomorrow. I pull out my laptop from the cabinet that holds my books.
I turn on my laptop and prepare to go through my emails.
I am sure by now I would have gotten my class schedule emailed to me. I need to prepare accordingly this year.
Everybody says that the senior year of high school is the most critical but I disagree.
Junior year is the most critical.
This is the year when you need to figure out your shit.
Senior year is when you implement all your ideas and manifest your dreams into reality. But for that to be possible, you need to work extremely hard in your Junior year.
I pleaded with the teacher during the summer to let me take extra courses so that it would be easier for me during the school year but he did not budge.
Still, I need to see what my schedule is and plan my work accordingly.
I have so much work.
This day just doesn't seem to end.
I know I sound like a broken record at this point but it is true.
Is it possible that there are more hours to the day today than on other days?
No?
Then why do I feel like I have already been awake for thirty hours?
My internet is slow.
I am sure Jungwoo used it all up with his online gaming. I have told him multiple times I need the wifi for my school work but he does not listen.
It takes so long for my email page to load that I contemplate just giving up and going through it tomorrow morning.
But I know I have to tutor a student early tomorrow morning and then go for my afternoon shift at the fried chicken place. Then I have a small break and back to my evening shift at the Hive.
I will not be able to go through my emails before night and I am sure tomorrow will be no different.
No matter how much I tell Jungwoo, he will use up all the internet and I will be stuck with slow internet and a shitty laptop.
So it's better that I extend my line of patience just a little more and get this done from my to-do list.
Finally my email page loads.
There is no new mail from my teacher.
I still didn't get my schedule from the school.
But what sits on top of the email is one that I have yet to read.
The writing is still in bold and it looks highlighted against the normal font of all the other emails below it.
I just decide to read the email.