The next morning I laid in bed, angry, hurt. But mostly just full of regret.
I was a disappointment and I knew it. The way my dads looked at me, the way they spoke to me. I could still hear their tones in my head.
I didn't want to do this anymore.
It was early in the day, but everyone had gone about their business, Silas had taken the twins to daycare before going to work while Darren went to the training ground. So it was prime time for me to leave.
It was risky leaving in the middle of the day, and it was risky leaving with a target on my back. But I just â I couldn't.
I jumped out of bed, my heart beating faster than normal as my blood heated in my veins. I packed a bag as fast as I could. Shifting would be easier, but I could just hitchhike until I find somewhere to lay my head and go from there.
Backpack on my back I walked out the backdoor and into the nearby woods, it would take a day to get out of the territory through this way, but I was less likely to run into someone if I went the back way. Maybe just Mr. Oliver, and he was so far out of his mind that it would be like walking past a tree.
My mind raced as I walked through the woods, my feet breaking sticks, crushing fallen leaves. I was high, the pills making a clicking sound in my backpack as I went by.
I wasn't gone for five minutes when I heard my name being called from behind me, and my shoulders slumped as and the bag fell off my shoulder with a thud.
I turned around to see Ivans green eyes looking me up and down, trying to figure out what I was doing. But it didn't take them long to realize and their eyes widened. "What do you think you're doing?"
'Ivan please, just let me-'
"Let you leave? Why would I just let you leave?"
'You don't understand.'
"You need help Star. You can't just run away from your problems, you're doing exactly what he did, and look where he ended up." There was a sound of pain in their voice, anger, and sadness mixed together and coming out.
Where he ended up
They were speaking about their uncle Ronny. I wanted to roll my eyes, they liked to play the uncle Ronny card. they didn't do it often, but whenever I was about to jump, that was the one they picked, because it had worked in the past and it scared the crap out of me.
Ronny was Ivan's mother's brother, he was only in his twenties when they found his body. He had gone rogue a few years earlier, on his own will. His family did everything, rehab, interventions, camps, everything. But Ronny was stubborn. He didn't want to listen. He'd get clean, and then he'd relapse a few weeks later. It took a toll on his whole family obviously, and even though Ivan was just a kid when he died, they saw first hand the change in the people around them.
He died alone, homeless, in the middle of winter.
I didn't want that.
My eyes fell to the dirt, a sigh leaving my lip. As much as I hated them using their uncle against me. It worked just like it had in the past. "Please, just try. Just one more time." I looked at my best friend, their eyes pleading I nodded my head, and Ivan gave off a soft thank goodness before throwing their arms around me, I put one around them, but I didn't feel the same relief they did. I just felt my gut twist and turn with dread.
"We could try rehab," Silas said, passing a bowl of carrots across the table to me. I just wrinkled my face, shaking my head as I took the bowl and scooping some onto my plate. After Ivan and I had spent some time in the woods, they had ushered me back to the house, and stayed with me until one of my dads came home.
Darren looked at Silas and rolled his eyes. "We already tried that."
"We didn't try it, we spoke about it. He hasn't gone anywhere."
"He's going to my grandparents."
Silas glared at him, and Darren gave him a smirk back before Maddox came piping up with his own two senses. "Grandpa doesn't have a farm."
"Not your grandpa, my grandpa, and grandma. Star is going to go on a vacation to see them for the summer."
"Can I go too?"
"No love." Silas said, "You're going to summer camp with Mekhi remember?" Oh yes, the good old 'Children with Autism and their families.' Mekhi and Maddox had been going since they turned three, it was only a day camp that lasted three weeks, but it was something for Maddox to look forward to.
Mekhi was diagnosed when he was two and a half. It didn't take too much time for Silas and Darren to notice that something was different between the twins. Though they were identical, Maddox was hitting milestones long before Mekhi, and though they didn't want to pin them off one another it was becoming harder when Mads started talking, walking, and playing with his toys. While Mekhi was selectively nonverbal, walking on his tippy toes during the times he chose to take steps and didn't have interest in any of his toys. He had a habit of taking all his cars and lining them off by colours, or grouping shapes together.
It was rare for young wolves to be born with disabilities or delays. But not totally uncommon, we were part human after all. It wasn't unheard of for a wolf to be born with Autism, Down syndrome, or anything else of the sort.
Mekhi was in ABA for an hour every day after lunch, and he was showing amazing progress. He still didn't have many words, but he used a tablet to speak for him, and he was so smart. I had never met a four-year-old that knew math. He would use his wooden blocks to add things together. They were working on his speaking, and though he was fond of it, he did say simple words like papa, dad, more. Silas and Darren were told he'd most likely never speak in sentences, but the day he said papa and dad for the first time made it all worth it to them.
With my mind on him, I looked over to Mehki. I could remember the day he and Mads were born. I didn't think I'd ever have siblings again. Even with Lucca still alive I never thought of him as a brother after that night.
I was nervous when they told me. They had a surrogate for the pregnancy, a nice woman who lived on another packland. I didn't want to fail the boys, I wanted to be the big brother that I never had. I liked to think I was when I was around. I pressed my lips in, looking away from my little brother as more guilt pooled in my stomach.
I failed them, I wasn't a good role model, I wouldn't want any kid looking up to me if I were my dads. I couldn't blame them for wanting me out of the house. A drug-addicted teenager ruins the aesthetic they were trying to obtain. It wasn't a good image for them, especially with the power they held in the land.
I jumped when someone's hands took hold of my two shoulders. Darren gave them a squeeze before letting go and giving me a pat on the back. He took my plate, and as he leaned over he spoke to me. "We love you Star, and we just want what's best for you."
I really wanted to believe him.