My whole world changed while I was still a toddler.
I couldn't tell you the colour of my mother's eyes, the sound of my father's voice, who my childhood best friend was. But I could tell you all about my brother. I could tell you his hair colour, his voice, how he has freckles marking his nose, how he was left-handed.
How deep he cut my throat thinking it would kill me after stabbing our parents over ten times each.
Lucca was a monster. And deep inside it made me wonder if I was a monster too. If he could kill his whole pack without a second thought, was I really any saner than he was? I mean, I had done some fucked up things in my nineteen years of life.
For example, I tried to poison my adopted father before I knew who he was and I'm pretty sure half the things I did just this week would have broken a law or two.
Lucca stole my voice from me for the simple fact that I was a stronger wolf than he was. He said I was the family's favourite. And honestly, I didn't know if he was wrong or not because he stole that from me too.
Any memory I had of my parents was clouded with blood and darkness. Smoke and screams. Was I loved? I could remember our father taking me to the lake once. Did that mean he loved me more? Was Lucca there that day too?
I didn't know. But since that night, life hadn't gotten much easier. Even after I was adopted.
"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday dear Star-r! Happy Birthday to you!"
I stared at the cake as it was set down in front of me. Nineteen bright candles lit up the chocolate cake and the words underneath it.
Happy Birthday Star
I sighed. Knowing full and well my face was glowing from the candlelight. All eyes on me, ready and waiting.
For the past six years, I was told the same thing "When the song is over make a wish for the perfect gift, and blow out the candles"
And every year I wished for the same little things.
When I turned thirteen I wished for a bike and got a bike.
Fourteen I wished for a new Hollywood Undead hoodie and got one.
Fifteen were three tickets to see Fallout Boy for Ivan, Rule and I.
Sixteen was a car.
Seventeen I wanted a night at a hotel for me and my friends.
Eighteen was to be left alone for just five minutes.
But I was done with trivial gifts for a wish. I wanted something more. Something money couldn't buy.
I wanted my mate.
It sounded cheesy and stupid. But it's what I wanted. I wanted to finally feel happy. Feel whole.
I wanted someone who'd love me like my dad loved each other. Like how my friends all loved their mates
I watched everyone around me fall in love. And I wanted that. I wanted to be loved.
I didn't want to be looked at like a broken toy anymore. I hated the looks on people's faces when they found out I couldn't talk. That I had no voice.
Pity.
I fucking hated pity. I know it's half the reason my dad's kept me. They felt bad for that poor starved pre-teen that couldn't talk. Darren even went out of his way to learn ASL before I was even his responsibly.
I ground my teeth together before I blew out the candles and listened to the whoops and cheers of the people around me â the loudest being my father's.
I turned my head to the side to see Maddox my smaller, black-haired, blue-eyed brother, with a big grin on his face as he openly eyed the cake. Mekhi, whose face was the same as his brothers, but instead of a grin, he wore a face of pure consideration as he watched the smoke from the candles float into the air.
"Let's eat!" A voice cheered and I looked over to my other side to see my best friend.
Ivan was my rock. My sunshine on a cloudy day. When I'm down, they were there to make me feel better.
I've spiralled out of control. More than once. And when everyone thought I was at my breaking point. They were there to show me things could get better.
I watched as my dad, Silas, took a knife and started slicing the cake. Putting the first, and biggest slice in front of me, then handed all the other slices to the crowd around us. We didn't have an overly big family, but the pack was large. One of the largest actually. I'm sure it would be bigger had my uncle been here. But he's been missing for years and if anyone had so much as said his name my dad was likely to get emotional and the mood to the party would die.
Ivan bounced over to me, putting an arm around my shoulder and planting a kiss on my cheek. I groaned, rubbing the feel of their cherry lip gloss off my face. "How dare you rub off my kiss," Ivan said, a mock disappointment in their tone. I looked up at them, they were flawless. their eyes were a calming hazel mixed green that always looked like they could see into your soul. And their face was their 'best feature' as they liked to say. Back when we were in junior high Ivan got into makeup, and honestly, they killed it. Their fake eyelashes were the perfect length. They could go on for hours telling me about blush, and contour? Eye gunk and all that stuff. I didn't really care about it. But I sat there and listened as they went on. I've spent more hours waiting for them to put their face on then I have waiting for words to come out of my mouth.
"Happy Birthday you motherfucking Starboy," Ivan said with a laugh. I glared at them.
'You're not funny' I signed. Over the last few years, everybody that I had contact with went well out of their way to learn ASL, which should have made me feel special. But really all it did was make me feel awkward and embarrassed. Sure it was cool that people knew what I was saying. But I couldn't help the feeling of it being a burden on everyone.
It was fun teaching my dads how to sign. Darren always made jokes while we did it and signed the easiest things wrong. Silas already knew ASL when I had met him, so together we taught Darren. He also helped me teach Ivan.
Some people thought of me as special, that I had my own language. They thought it was so cool. But really, it was far from it.
I longed to laugh with my friends, swear at that. Joke with them in a loud group. I wanted to join in on the screaming contests my little brothers held. I didn't want everyone to stop and pay attention when I wanted to speak. I wanted to go with the flow.
I wanted to be like everybody else.
So why didn't I wish for that?
Because I'm fucking realistic that's why. Darren and Silas had taken me to as many doctors as they could find to try and see if anyone could fix my vocal cords.
But it was useless. They were shot. Scar tissue was built up, they were healed in the wrong place, fused to another part of my throat. It would be more damaging to me to go in and try to fix them, and the odds of them actually working again were slim to none.
So no. I wasn't making a wish for my voice. Besides, when I was phased in my wolf form it was there. That little voice in my head, it joined into the many other voices around us.
A good reason to spend most of my time in my wolf form actually. Hence why I went for runs most nights, sometimes alone. Sometimes with friends. Because I wanted others to hear me. I wanted to howl at the moon like the animal I was. I wanted to chew the head off my dad's for embarrassing me. And during those moments, I could.
"Now, how about we go for a little drink after this lame gig and get the real party started." My friend Liam said, putting a hand on both Ivan and I's shoulder and leaning his head in between us. Trying to lower his voice enough to not be heard by my nearby parents or grandfather. But honestly, Liam was a dumb ass if he thought he could keep a secret around here.
Just as the words passed his lips, my dad, Silas glanced over at the three of us with a brow raised, while pops let off a low chuckle shaking his head.
Ivan let out a loud laugh just as dad was about to walk over. "No way Lee. My big boy and I have plans to crash at my place after this and he's going to see if he can beat my high score in classic PacMan. Which is going to take all night, because he can't." With them saying that I watched as dad turned back to pops and started talking again about Mekhi's upcoming therapy session.
'Be outside my place at 10:30' Ivan signed with a smirk checking around to make sure nobody was actually watching us.
I wanted to snicker along with them. Laugh with my friends. But I just had to nod and smile, hating the feeling at turned inside me.
I looked over as my eyes met Rules who's stood across the room with our friend Declan. I nodded my head to the right, indicating that I wanted to see him outside. I got out from my place at the table, telling Ivan and Liam I would be right back before sneaking out the back door, with Rule following not far behind me.
Rule and I didn't always get along. He had Ivan had gotten close once upon a time and it had admittedly made me jealous. But it was during one of my bad spots, And he and I had learned to work together on some parts
I walked out of the back yard of my house, enjoying the cold night air. It was only eight-thirty but the sun still fell behind the skyline. The wind was chilly. But it was to be expected for January.
"How much did you need?" Rule asked digging into his back pocket and pulling out a small baggy.
'Two should hold me over until I can get to Taylor tomorrow'
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