Chapter 27: Twenty Six

Newcastle away was never an easy task.  They had been in good form before the break, like us, but they were still in the bottom half of the table.  We needed the win, both to keep our top-four place and to boost the squad's confidence before our next tough run of games.  Spurs were close on our tails: after their win the previous night, we'd go just two points clear if we came away with all the points at St James' Park.

We left for Newcastle on Saturday morning, taking the train up.  I curled up next to Annika feeling drained all round.  With the tension still rife between Mason and me on top of a tough week in training, my energy levels were starting to diminish.  Thankfully, Annika was engrossed in a new series and allowed me to shut my eyes and fall into a half-sleep for the ride.

A short lunch and team meeting preceded our check in to the hotel.  It boosted my energy a bit being able to focus on the game, but I was still sluggish as I headed to my room for a nap that afternoon.

I was never a good napper, and today was no exception.  I'd been wracking my head all week trying to work out a way to fix things between me and Mason and it was still spinning now.  Clearly acting normal was not the way to go, but there was only so much more of this silence I could take.  I'd dreaded training the rest of the week, the thought of having to put on a brave face around Mason driving me insane.  And then seeing him, sitting next to him in the changing room, but not interacting with him, made me feel sick.

I could tell that some of the team started to pick up on it, too.  Mason remained distant during training, going to new lengths to avoid me.  This only made the group cling to him more, which meant I was forced to detachment myself from them.  Kyle in particular grew steadily more suspicious, even cornering me after training to try and talk.  As much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was going on: George's words sprung to my head every time I considered it.

My head spun as I stared at the ceiling. I knew Mason wasn't a pre-match napper either.  With us both starting, we owed it to the team to leave whatever was happening with us off the pitch.  But with the way things were, I wondered if I was able to do that: we were barely able to play on the same five-aside team on Thursday.  I felt nauseous every time I pictured us messing up this game, doing exactly what George had warned us we would do.

A knock at my door forced me out of my head. Sitting up straight, I felt my heart pounding in my chest.  No way it was Mason.

"Hello?"

"Beck?  It's Mason."

I bit back the distress that punched me in the gut.  Gathering what composure I could, I climbed from the bed and headed to the door. Pulling it open with shaking hands, I was met with a Mason looking as timid as he'd sounded, with his hands deep in his tracksuit pockets.  Just seeing him sent my stomach turning.

"What's up?" I asked coolly.  I held onto the door, which prevented him from entering and ensured I'd stay upright.

"Uh, I just wanted to chat."  He cleared his throat.  "If that's okay."

He hadn't spoken directly to me all week. I didn't know how to act all of a sudden.  He now had his hands joined in front of his body, his lips rolled into his mouth.  It was hard not to feel the same unnatural awkwardness he was showing, but I had to try.

"Chat about what?"

The door closed behind me as I stepped backwards to let him in.  This was the first time since Bulgaria that we were alone.

"Beck."  His words faltered for a moment.  "Come on, you know."  I was enjoying seeing him squirm too much, so I just raised my eyebrows and acted dumb. "Well, things are...  I just want to make sure we're good?  After— yeah."  I didn't say anything.  "Are we good?"

I stared at him for a second, too taken aback to say anything.  He blinked at me and cleared his throat again.

"Are you kidding me?" I eventually spluttered out.  "No, we're not good."

Now he looked taken aback.  His widened eyes darted around the room, his eyebrows low over them.  My heart was beating too fast again.

"Um, okay."  There was genuine confusion to his voice, which set me on edge.

"If you had to come here and ask me that, did you really think I'd say something else?"  I narrowed my eyes at him as he shrugged helplessly.

"I don't know?"  He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.  "Guess I hoped you would, maybe."

"Hoped I..." I trailed off, my mouth hanging open.  My intention had always been to make up with him, but my emotions were quickly taking me off track.  "Are you actually being serious right now?"

"Yeah, Beck, why wouldn't I be?"

"You tell me, Mason."  He frowned at my raised voice, but I wasn't going to let his expression slow me down.  "What the hell has been going on with you all week?"

"I—nothing."  The detached expression on his face seemed forced.

"Don't do that, okay? I don't deserve it."

He opened his mouth, but shut it abruptly. I heard him take a deep breath as I crossed my arms.  "I don't know what you want me to say."

I resisted the urge to walk across the room and shake some sense into him.  My hands clenched into fists over my chest, frustration forcing my nails into my palms.

"I don't wantyou to say anything.  I just feel like you owe me some kind of explanation."

"Explanation about what?"

"About why you tried to kiss me!" I cried out, throwing my hands into the air in as my frustration boiled over.  "And then why you acted like I'd done something wrong all week."

I covered my eyes with my hands for a second, trying to calm myself down.  My cheeks were hot underneath them.  Taking them away, I was met with a startled Mason, his nonchalant expression gone.

"Is that what you think is going on?"  He wasn't startled, I realised; he was upset. "Beck, you didn't do anything wrong."

"Fine, then why did you try to kiss me?"

The anger I'd felt so strongly a moment ago was fizzling away, leaving my throat prickling.  The hurt that had tugged at my chest since Wednesday returned, and with it an unpleasant ball of nerves in my stomach.  The feeling I'd had in Bulgaria was back – that something big was going to come from this conversation.

"I don't know, Beck."

I couldn't look at him, couldn't bear to see the conflict that was clear in his eyes.  Or have him see the hurt I'm sure was in mine.  I nodded, taking my bottom lip in my teeth to stop myself saying something stupid.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he continued, his voice soft.  "I know you don't deserve this.  I just..." he trailed off and sighed.  Raising my eyes, I saw him thud onto the edge of my bed, head hanging between his shoulders. "I guess Randall got in my head somehow? Or I was just too fired up from hitting him?  And from what Gareth said... God.  I don't know, Beck.  I don't know what to say to you, honestly."

Part of me knew he wasn't telling me something, but after the last time he was honest with me, part of me wasn't even sure I wanted to know.  I was staring at Mason, lost in my thoughts so much that I didn't realise he was looking back at me.  I needed to say something; I couldn't keep standing here like a fool.

"I don't know either," I admitted.  We stared at each other in silence, my heart panging.  He opened his mouth, but I was speaking before he had to chance to say anything. "Look, I get you might have some shit you need to sort out, but just stop putting me in the middle of it, yeah?"

My words were harsh, but I needed to get them out.  Mason, looking pale, nodded slowly and rose from my bed.

"Okay." He nodded again and looked at me for a long, silent pause.  "That's fair."

I nodded this time and, before I could say anything else, he was turning around, walking away.  This felt wrong, fighting with Mason.  Was this even a fight?   Whatever it was, it was making my stomach hurt.

"You know, maybe George was right." Mason was practically at the door, but he looked over his shoulder directly at me, eyes cold.  At the mention of George's name, my stomach sank further.  "And we've made this a bit too complicated."

I felt like I'd just taken a football to my stomach.  Hurt hit me hard and unexpected as the door closed behind Mason.  My throat was aching again, and this time I couldn't stop the tears that leaked from my eyes.