Chapter 19: : Chapter 19

76 Days Before the Trip, 10:10 a.m.

“I think I might be in love with her,” I tell B. J. in unstructured on Thursday morning. It’s the last day of school, and we’re sitting the library, going over the review sheet for our AP Bio final.

“You are not in love with her,” B. J. says. He leans back in his chair and rubs his temples.

“I am,” I say. “I’m in love with her. I haven’t told her yet, but I’ve been thinking it.” It’s true, too. Over the past two months we’ve gotten really close, and in the past month, I’ve started to think it. There have even been a couple times, especially when we’re getting off the phone at night, or when I’m leaving her house that I want to say it. But I haven’t yet, because I’m not sure if she feels the same way, and I don’t want to freak her out.

“That is insane,” B. J. says. “You can’t be in love with her.”

“Why not?”

“A myriad of reasons,” B. J. says. I try to keep in mind this is the same guy who was dressed as a leprechaun the night he first hooked up with his girlfriend.

“Such as?”

“You haven’t had sex.”

“So?”

“So, sex is very important to a relationship,” he says. “How do you know you love her if you haven’t had sex with her?”

“Not even dignifying that with a response,” I say. The weird thing is, even though Courtney and I haven’t had sex, I haven’t thought that much about it. I mean, I have thought about having sex with her, of course, and I definitely want to, but I haven’t thought much about the fact that we’re not having it. It’s just something I figure will happen when it happens. Courtney’s a virgin, so obviously I’m not going to rush it.

“Okay,” B. J. says. He leans back in his chair and stretches his arms behind him. “How about the fact that you weren’t supposed to get attached to her? Dude, her dad is banging your mom. If she finds out you kept that from her, you are so fucked.”

“I’m sure she’ll understand,” I say, a knot of uneasiness starting in my stomach. She won’t understand. Courtney has this thing about trust. And if she knows I lied to her, she’ll break up with me immediately.

“Dude, you have to tell her,” B. J. says. “I would never keep something like that from Jocelyn.”

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. B. J. and Jocelyn hooked up more or less around the same time Courtney and I did, but for some reason, I get super annoyed when he tries to imply that the relationships are the same. From what I can tell, he and Jocelyn have sex a lot. As in, every single day. Sometimes multiple times. They spend a lot of time together, but they don’t really do anything. Except have sex. I’ve never even really seen them talk. Unless they’re setting a time to meet up later so they can have sex.

The bell rings and we file out of the library and into the hall. “I know I have to tell her,” I say. “But her dad is freaking me the fuck out.”

“Don’t be afraid of that shit-sucker,” B. J. declares. “You need me to have a talk with him?”

“Nah,” I say. “I’ll figure it out.” But as I leave B. J. in the hall and walk in to take my English final, I have no idea how I’m going to do that.