This time when I shot up in bed, I could feel my heart racing. It was beating so quickly I felt like it would fail at any minute.
I threw my legs out of bed and realised I was sweating like crazy.
I quickly grabbed a robe and sunk down on the carpet. When I looked at the clock it was 2.am.
I sighed.
Constant nights of insomnia and night terrors were only getting worse.
I just wanted to call home but for obvious security reasons my phone had been taken away and was being monitored by analysts in case Roman tried to call.
I scoffed. As if he would.
I made my way out of the room. Feeling closed off and alone was making me feel so much worse. But so was roaming around Tristan's home with him not here.
I made my way to the kitchen.
I hadn't been expecting to see anyone so when I saw Joshua, my first instinct was to turn around and go to my room.
I was constantly in a state of anxiety, worry, fatigue and panic. And a Joshua showdown is among the last things I needed.
He was sitting by the island nursing a beer bottle which I'm sure Anita wouldn't approve of at all.
I decided to just ignore him hoping he would extend the same curtesy.
I walked over to grab a cup so that I could get some water to drink.
"You've really got some nerve."
I fought the urge to groan out loud.
I slowly stopped my journey to the sink and turned to look at him.
"What is it now?"
Joshua stood up. He looked at me.
"You shouldn't even be staying here." He spoke.
I folded my arms.
The way I saw it, Joshua was going to keep dumping all his hate and anger on me. I had two options, let him and understand that he was just sad and beaten up about his brother or...
"Oh I'm sorry, would you prefer me in Ornyx's post? Probably seated by his right hand side like the perfect little 'devil spawn' I am? Or I don't know, maybe I should be in the Silvercrest cells, getting tortured for being born."
Joshua clenched his jaw at me. "Playing the victim won't help you."
"Then what will?" I asked in exasperation as I threw my hands in the air.
I was tired and angry and sad. All those emotions were bubbling inside me and all this that Joshua wanted to add to my plate wasn't helping at all.
He didn't say anything immediately so I took the opportunity.
Damn it, it was my turn to talk.
"What's gonna help me, Joshua? Tell me since you know so much about me and my character and my intentions."
"If your intentions were pure, Tristan wouldn't be in this mess!" He growled.
I let out a humourless laugh and shook my head.
"There it is! There it freaking is! Joshua I. Did. Not. Kidnap. Tristan. I did not make him imprint on me and I did not cause any of this to happen!" I yelled.
It's like Joshua had gotten so used to seeing me back down that he didn't know how to respond to me raising my voice.
Good. It's about time I did.
"Look at yourself, aren't you tired of bullying me?"
"Bullying you?" He asked incredulously.
"Yes Joshua, bullying me, blaming me for everything must be so easy but it doesn't make it right." I spoke forcefully.
I couldn't control the tears that formed in my eyes. "It really doesn't." I added in a whisper.
Joshua was quiet for a second. He looked at me.
"Since you came into our lives, things... things changed." He spoke.
"When I came into Woodfell, I was a scared, confused and lost fourteen year old. I didn't know anyone here and I didn't know who or what I was. My family, Tristan and Roman were the only people who never judged me for that. Yet people like you -"
"I never bullied you." He snapped as if he were personally offended by that statement in particular.
"No, but you let your girlfriend and her best friend do so. You sat back and you were a spectator to all of it. You knew it was happening and you turned the other cheek!"
Joshua shook his head. "Bea has her own crap to deal with - you don't know her or her history."
"And you don't know mine." I spoke, my voice low.
There was a pause and there was something heavy in the air.
We were both silent for a while. Hot tears streamed down my face and I didn't even try to wipe them away.
I was just so tired.
"You read my file and you made up your mind about who I was right there and then." I spoke. My voice was surprisingly calm and level. "I didn't do anything and I didn't deserve any of that and deep down, you must know that."
Joshua didn't respond to my relief.
"So." I spoke as I took a step back. "Hate me all you want, but I just needed to tell you once and for all how much of horrible and immature thing it is to hate on someone just because you're angry or you feel out of control or - or you think I stole your brother's attention from you - I - I just - do whatever you want Joshua."
I turned to leave.
In a funny way, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I wanted to walk back to my room but I made a detour instead and ended up in Tristan's.
I collapsed in his bed and got under the covers, hugging them to my body.
It didn't take too long for me to start sobbing.
I suddenly completely understood Bridget. How could you be in here with such a huge missing piece?
It hurt. It physically hurt and I just couldn't take it.
I took in his scent on his sheets and tried to retain as much of it as I could.
"You have to come back, Tristan." I whispered to the room as if he would hear me.
Please.
I thought about all the time Tristan and I wasted. I thought about little things like how we had never been on a date or how we didn't even have any pictures together.
I couldn't lose him right before I had even gotten a chance to love him. There's so much I didn't even know about him. What was his favourite colour? Favourite food? If he could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
If you asked all these things about Roman, I would answer in seconds. I can't believe I spent so much time loving someone whose heart had so much darkness and hate.
What did that even say about me that I had chosen Roman over Tristan.
I turned to his bedside table and opened the drawer.
The first thing that caught my eye was a small black box on top of a photograph.
At first I hesitated because going through Tristan's stuff didn't feel right in the least.
But I still found myself taking it out and opening it.
My heart immediately stopped when I saw that it was a necklace.
I know it seems presumptuous but I immediately knew that it was meant for me. It was almost exactly like the one my mother had gotten me.
Except Tristan's was a white crystal crescent. And also unlike my mother's, this one had another gem, a diamond right above the moon.
I felt myself tear up some more.
I picked up the photograph that was underneath.
It was clear that it was of younger versions of Tristan and the twins. The twins were on either side of their brother, squishing their faces against his and Tristan was in the centre looking irritated.
Learning to love Tristan meant learning to love what he loved. Or at least appreciate them.
And his brothers were a major part of that.
He loved this pack and his family. And it felt so unfair that it had been taken away from him.
It made me angry, made me physically shake with anger that this human being who was nothing but good was going through this.
I got off Tristan's bed. I put the necklace in my pocket and took the photograph.
I went back downstairs and was glad to see Joshua still seated in the kitchen.
I sucked in a deep breath and walked up to him.
"We don't have to like each other to save someone we both love." I spoke out loud standing on the other side of the island.
He looked up at me, his face blank.
I slid the photograph towards him.
At first he didn't react. And for a minute I thought he might just ignore me. But then he reached out and took it.
His face concocted into one of sadness the minute he saw it. I thought he might break down crying.
But Joshua simply swallowed hard and slid the photo away.
Stubborn. Of course.
I walked around the island until I was standing in front of him.
"I know Bridget and everyone else have been dismissing you and not letting you help. They've been doing the same to me." I spoke.
He still looked straight ahead and not at me.
"Joshua!" I snapped.
He turned slowly rolling his eyes.
"What?"
I could hear the spite in his voice.
Put your differences aside for Tristan, Crystal. He's all that matters right now.
I sucked in a deep breath.
"Bridget told me that in order to create a mind link, you need a close and intimate connection to the person. Other than the alpha, no one can create a mind link on will. And I thought that me being Tristan's mate would be enough to connect to him. But he's probably miles away and I - I don't know if what we have is enough."
I hated to admit it.
My voice got small and I looked at the ground.
That was the hardest part to admit because I literally had one job.
"That-" Joshua spoke his voice low, he looked up at me and I only realised then how bloodshot his eyes were. "Or he's dead."
His words sent my heart dropping to the ground.
I marched closer to Joshua.
I bent down to look him in the eyes. "Don't. Don't you ever say that again."
Joshua looked away but not before I saw the tear in his eye.
I couldn't deny that I had been thinking about the same thing.
Ornyx had released a video telling the entire Woodfell I was his daughter and that he was going to kill Tristan.
But he had Tristan now and he was silent?
It didn't make sense.
But I refused to think of Tristan as...
I didn't even want to go there.
I pulled back. "If you won't help me, I'm sure Mikey will." I told Joshua.
He could stay in his mopey phase as long as he wanted. I was done with sitting around while Bridget and everyone weren't even sleeping as they searched for him.
I turned to leave.
"Wait." I heard Joshua speak.
I let out a sigh of relief.
To be honest, this would work a lot better with him there.
I turned around.
"What do you have in mind?" He asked.
"Mikey!" Joshua yelled.
We both stood on either side of the bed of the sleeping teen.
He shifted in bed. "Mm... go away Josh.
I looked at Mikey's bed which was full of files and plans and stuff I really don't think he should have had. One file literally read 'confidential'.
He barely had any space to actually sleep.
"Mikey!" Joshua yelled again, this time nudging him.
Michael waved him off.
"Go away."
Joshua sighed. In a swift motion, he pulled Mikey's pillow from under him.
Mikey shot up looking ready to fight.
"You little -"
He then saw me.
"Uh... Crystal? Hey." He spoke.
I waved awkwardly.
Michael turned to look at his brother, then me. Then his brother again.
Confusion set into his features but then a smile grew.
"We're about to save T, aren't we?"
I looked at Joshua.
Now this is the attitude he should be having.
Joshua looked back at me. "Crystal has an idea."
A few minutes later, we were on the floor of Tristan's room sitting cross legged in a circle.
I set down the photograph of Tristan and his brothers in the centre of the room.
I looked at the twins.
Mikey frowned at the photo.
Joshua looked indifferent and I knew he must have been hiding his real emotions.
"I've been trying to create a mind link with Tristan." I spoke.
Mikey looked at me and I could tell he was expectant.
It broke my heart to let him down.
"So far I've been unsuccessful." I spoke.
Mikey looked dejected.
"But I realised that maybe my bond with Tristan might not be enough." I spoke. Even the second time saying it out loud hurt.
I looked at the brothers.
"But I was thinking... maybe - just maybe if we tried together -"
"You want us to form a mindlink together?" Mikey asked in confusion.
He looked at Joshua as if he were shocked that he was on board with this.
"I know." I spoke. "It's super rare but I've read about it in your history books. It's not impossible."
I could see the skepticism on Mikey's face.
"Mikey, I know." I repeated. "But this is much better than not doing anything. You two have your bond and I'm Tristan's mate. He's your brother. I can't think of more of a better connection."
Mikey sighed. "I don't wanna be the pessimistic one. That's usually Josh's thing. But you do realise that creating this link means we all have to open our minds to each other."
Joshua and I looked at each other.
I knew he was basically aiming this at me. Him and Joshua already had their bond. I was the one they had to worry about.
I nodded.
"I know."
They would know my deepest darkest thoughts. Everything that went on in my mind, all my secrets spilled. And I would know theirs.
I looked at them both.
"But I'm willing to do whatever it takes."
No matter how uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Joshua sat up straight.
"Me too." He spoke with determination in his voice.
Mikey looked at both of us.
He then nodded.
"I'm in."
I nodded at him and held out my hands to both of them.
They took them.
I could tell we were all nervous.
If this didn't work, I didn't know what I would do.
"Just saying," Mikey spoke suddenly. "If you see a memory of me peeing in a pool or two, I can explain-"
"Mikey!" Joshua groaned.
"Okay, okay." Mikey spoke.
"Close your eyes." I instructed.
They did so.
"Just... think about him. Think about your love for him. And how desperate you are to find him." I spoke.
"We have to establish the link first." Joshua spoke.
"Crystal. You have to open your mind to us." He spoke.
"Just - just relax and offer everything up to us." Mikey spoke softly. "It's gonna feel uncomfortable and invasive especially coming from both of us but - but you're gonna get through it. Just let it flow, let it happen."
I nodded.
I sucked in a deep breath and tried to get rid of all of the tension and just let go.
For what felt like minutes, I tried to follow Mikey's instruction.
I was starting to get frustrated when nothing was happening.
And then, it did.
I felt like I had been jolted awake.
'Bea! Come back here!'
'Tristan's gone and I feel so useless because I can't do anything about it.'
'Of course they didn't want me to take over as alpha. I'm freaking useless. Tristan saw it. Everyone sees it."
I was hit with so many emotions at once, anger, pain, sadness.
I felt tears sliding down my cheek and I couldn't help but let out a cry of agony.
"Don't server the link." Joshua instructed.
I opened my eyes for a second and saw him wince.
Just as I was receiving from them, I was giving.
It felt like someone was poking my mind.
They knew it all. They knew everything.
My mum, my dad, Roman, my feelings for Tristan.
I felt like they were seeing me at all stages of my life. The pain of my first heartbreak, getting shipped here, bonding with my father, Roman betraying me, Tristan getting abducted.
It felt like a thousand cuts.
Mikey let out a loud groan and I heard him moan and whimper.
Joshua sobbed.
I felt myself start crying again when I was taken back to a younger Joshua and Mikey finding out their parents were dead. I felt like my heart would tear apart.
"No!" I found myself yelling when a young Joshua tried to run to his father's room.
The memories and feelings kept bouncing between us.
It was so much. It was so intense.
I was getting so tired, I didn't know how long I could hold on.
"Okay! The bond is set!" Mikey yelled. "Think about T, focus on Tristan!"
With all this, I had almost forgotten why we were here.
But I shifted my thoughts.
I focused on him and him alone.
The one person who looked at me like I could do no wrong.
The person who always, always chose me no matter what.
"Crystal?"
I gasped.
"Tristan."