Chapter 17: A False Start: Chapter 17

“Come with us! It will be like celebrating you getting into vet school.”

Mira looks so excited at the prospect. And truthfully, I’ve been pretty over-the-moon since I got that email welcoming me to the program—celebrating sounds pretty good. Which means I’m about to be a total hag because I’m turning her down. The entire weekend up at Griffin’s cabin in the woods? While she and my brother sneak off to do God knows what and leave me with the one man I don’t want to be around? I’d rather sit here alone and write in my journal.

I tamp that inner voice down. It’s much healthier for me to pretend I don’t like him.

“No, thank you. I’m going to stay with Cowboy. Make sure he’s okay and everything.”

I stare down at the gravel driveway as we make our way back to the farm. We just had lunch with Hank and Trixie, where they all gushed about me being accepted into the veterinary medicine program at Emerald Lake, and then we sent them off with Silas. Something Mira played cool about but was clearly struggling with.

Mira’s dark eyes plead with me. “Please? I promise he’ll be fine. His surgery went perfectly. It’s been a week; he’s fine. The staff are more than qualified to take care of him.”

She has the sad puppy face down pat.

“I’d rather not. Just in case. I want to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I would never forgive myself if something went wrong.”

“Nadia. I’m leaving my behind. For one night. It’s the first time, and I’m terrified. I’m pretty sure you can leave a horse at a full-service stable.”

She’s not wrong. But I’m not about to admit that.

“It’s not even that far away! If you need to come back, you can be here in, what? An hour?”

One side of my mouth quirks up. “You telling me that? Or yourself?”

Mira huffs out a laugh and runs a hand through her hair. “Snarky little bitch.”

I laugh too, right as we round the curve of the lake at the base of the valley, right beside the barn.

Sorry, sis,” I say, still looking at the lake.

A dreamy sigh is her reply. I glance back at her and instantly recognize the look on her face. It’s the same one she made the first time Stefan had her over to our house for dinner. The one she made while staring at his ass while he cooked for her.

It was gross then, and it’s still gross now.

But when I follow her gaze, I’m pretty sure I make the same face.

The temperature has shot up since earlier this morning when they started unloading the hay, and I guess that’s why my brother and his friend have lost their shirts.

In exchange, I’ve lost my ability to talk.

Wranglers.

Sweat-slicked abs.

Leather gloves.

And that glorious, bearded face.

Everything about Griffin oozes sex appeal. And I am very much immune to it.

“Wow,” my sister-in-law whispers as we slow to a standstill at the base of the driveway.

“Yeah,” I breathe out, sounding like a total idiot. “But not about my brother,” I add quickly. “That would be gross.”

She snorts, eyes flitting over to me. “I’m not related to either of them. So, I can really enjoy the full experience.”

I bark out a laugh.

“What? Look at them. I didn’t know Griffin was so . . .

“Yeah,” I say again, having lost the ability to use many words at the sight of him working without a shirt, sweat trickling down his throat. His inked forearms ripple in the sun, the muscles in his back bunching every time he heaves up a bale.

“Damn, girl. You look like you’re going to eat him alive.”

Mira isn’t eyeing them up anymore. She’s eyeing up Irises dancing with knowing amusement.

“No. He’s too . . .” I trail off.

Manly? Strong? Comforting?

“Old?” Mira supplies, like a bucket of ice water over my head.

I swallow deeply and nod, trying my best to not look like a star-struck idiot. Which, coincidentally, is how I’m feeling.

Pretending I don’t feel inexplicably drawn to Griffin is a hell of a lot easier when I don’t have to see the man. Shirt or no shirt, I’m a total goner where he’s concerned.

Mira squeezes my shoulder, hitting me with her signature stare that is almost indecipherable. Smug and amused, like she knows a secret you don’t.

“Age is just a number, little Dalca. And the only number that counts is eight.” She points over to where Griffin stands, panting and glowing under the scorching sun. “Because that’s how many abs I can count on him.”

“Jesus Christ, Mira.”

She throws her head back and cackles as heat spreads across my chest. Her laughter draws the men’s eyes. And then the fucking traitor shouts, “Great news! Nadia is going to come keep me company while you guys do whatever man stuff you have planned.”

My brother lifts one gloved hand and offers a firm thumbs up.

Griffin just scowls.

The property is breathtaking. There’s something about being high enough up that you can see the entire valley that just feels so otherworldly.

Down in Ruby Creek, the heavy presence of the tall rocky peaks can feel oppressive. Like they’re weighing down on you. But up here, I almost feel like I’m flying.

I stepped out of my car and walked onto the front lawn, thinking I’d take a quick peek at what the small house overlooks, but now that I’m here, I don’t feel much like moving.

The hot sun is making its way across the sky, but there’s a cool breeze up here. With a hand held above my eyes, I scan the horizon, still not over the beauty that this part of Canada possesses.

I take a deep breath, letting the clean mountain air pour through my lungs. A fresh pine scent that is heart-wrenchingly familiar floats on the wind. A scent reminding me of Griffin, and how it felt to be captured beneath his arms. How I felt surrounded by when he kissed me.

I shouldn’t want him this badly. I’ve never wanted a man this badly. Usually, it’s the other way around. They chase the hell out of me. I like that part, then I give in. We have lots of hot, fun sex. And then I get bored with them. Then it gets mundane. Then I feel trapped, destined to follow in my mother’s footsteps. Get knocked up, get tied down, be stuck in some dark, miserable spiral. There’s this part of me that thinks I want that, and then this other part that is terrified to go down that path at all.

So, I move onto the next boy, keeping my insecurities close and my heart closer.

Without even trying, Griffin has ripped all that safety from me. He hasn’t wooed me. He hasn’t chased me. In fact, it feels an awful lot like he’s done everything in his power to push me away.

Truth be told, I’m not sure the man likes me.

. Not just wants to fuck me, because I’m accustomed to that approach. I’m accustomed to men’s eyes on me—appreciative looks aren’t new to me. When your boobs fill out early and you’re a dead ringer for a woman like my mother, well, male attention hasn’t been scarce.

Some days, I ache for a man who sees more than the way I look on the outside. A man invested enough to peel back all the layers. But most of them stop the chase as soon as they peel back my clothes. Like that’s the final destination for them with a girl like me.

I want “Beautiful, isn’t it?” My brother comes to stand beside me, scanning the horizon the way I did.

“It’s perfect,” I say, sounding a little awestruck.

“We’ve had some good weekends up here, Griff and I.”

I nod, words fizzling out on my tongue.

“Haven’t been up as much since Silas. Hell,” he palms the back of his neck, “since Mira. I almost feel bad.”

I tilt my head in question and watch him swallow.

“I helped him renovate that house.” He gestures toward the home behind us, the one covered in cedar shakes with a bright red door to match the tin roof. “We spent a lot of time together before you arrived. He helped me get the farm set, and I helped him up here. We both had our demons, but neither of us forced the other to talk about it. We just took solace in one another’s company, and neither of us expected the other to talk about whatever haunted us. He liked that I didn’t know who he was. Didn’t recognize him at all.”

My stomach sinks, and I bat my eyelashes, willing the building wetness away. I know my brother was in a dark place for a very long time. I’m aware he carries around a lot of guilt over how things played out for me, and how they played out for our mother.

It’s a burden he doesn’t need to carry.

But I’ve watched him do it all these years. Until Mira. She lit him up in a way I’ve never seen before. And then a baby? I’ve never seen my brother happier. And God knows he deserves to be happy after the shit he’s been through.

“I’m really glad you had him, Stef.” I smile over at my brother, but it doesn’t touch my eyes. It’s been too easy to disregard the fact there’s more than just Griffin and me at play in this game between us. Causing a rift between him and my brother would gut me.

“Me too. But I feel a bit like I’ve left him behind. Like we were so kindred in our misery. And now . . . well, I’m so far from miserable it’s not even funny.”

This time, the smile touches every corner of my face. There’s something about seeing a tough, protective guy like my brother all mushy and happy. It warms me. It gives me hope for myself.

“I hope Griff can be this happy one day.” He glances over his shoulder, like he’s worried the other man might overhear his wish for him.

The sound of my swallow fills my ears. “Me too.” Because I do. No one deserves to be as deeply unhappy as Griffin seems.

“Are you happy?”

His question catches me off guard. I’m not sure where this heart-to-heart is coming from. If it’s having his dad in his life, or if it’s becoming one himself.

I nod and tip my head onto the top of his bicep. “Yeah, big bro. Happiest I’ve ever been.”

Which is true, but what I don’t say is that is more like Or .

“Thanks for joining us. I like having you around. And Griff . . . He’s not as bad as he seems, you know?”

I nudge my elbow into his ribs as we stand taking in the view from the mountaintop. “I know.”