My eyes roamed over the shelves inside Dr. Hawthorn's office, landing on a small horse figurine holding up a thick stack of books. "What's your least favorite animal?"
"Hm. If I'm being honest, I dislike cats," Daxson replied from the couch with a shrug.
"What did cats ever do to you?" I questioned.
Daxson chuckled. "Well, D and I found a stray cat with one eye outside our house when I was like ten. We called him Uno and begged Momma to let us keep him. She and Dad ended up going along with it, but it was a big mistake."
I tucked my hair behind my ears and smiled, taking a seat beside him. "I'm kinda scared to ask, but why was it a mistake?"
"He threw up hairballs on my bed. Like out of everywhere in the damn house, Uno chose my bed for all of his nasty undigested cat hair. He also would knock Momma's glass ornaments off the Christmas tree. She really hated that. The thing I disliked the most about him was when he would get mad because Momma bought a different kind of litter. Uno would rebel and just start pissing on everything."
"My grandmother used to say wisteria smelled like cat piss. She hated the smell, but she still grew those crazy purple flowers right beside her house." I glanced over at him.
Daxson's muscular body was stretched across the black leather couch in Dr. Hawthorn's office with his arms propped across the back of it. He lifted his hand to run his fingers through his blonde curls, giving a better glimpse of the beautiful tattoos that covered his forearms. He looked like he was in a couch commercial. If he came with the couch, I'd buy it in a heartbeat.
He yawned as his arm fell to the headrest again. He was calm and at ease despite the fact today would be our last day together for the weekend. I'm glad he's so good at keeping it together because I'm a nervous wreck.
"What about you? What's your least favorite animal?" His voice broke my train of thought.
I tilted my head, causing all my hair to fall to one side of my face. "Would it be lame to say I'm terrified of lizards?"
Daxson tossed his head back with laugh. "A country girl whose scared of a lizard?"
"I thought they were cool until one of the stupid things got into my sleeping bag when we went camping and bit me. I just couldn't look at them the same after that."
"Mean 'ole lizard didn't have to bite you." He smirked from his spot beside me.
I raised my hand to smack his leg when Dr. Hawthorn returned to the room. He tucked his phone into his suit pocket.
"I apologize. My wife went to visit our daughter for Thanksgiving, and she was telling me she had made it safely." He sat down in his chair.
"It's fine." I smiled at him.
"Now, where were we?" He glanced at his notes in his lap. "Ah, yes. How are you feeling about your progress, Allyson?" Dr. Hawthorn asked, crossing his right leg over his left.
I shrugged as he twisted the end of his white mustache. "I feel pretty great. I haven't had a vomiting episode in almost a month now."
"Why do you think that is?"
Daxson's hand brushed along my thigh and gave it a tight squeeze, and the heat from his palm seared my skin beneath my jeans. I glanced at him with a teasing smirk on my lips.
"I haven't had to deal with the pressure from my mother; the constant hovering and whispering in my ear." I looked back to Dr. Hawthorn. "I also haven't worried about Caleb as much as I used too. I've finally had the chance to focus on myself."
"How does that make you feel?" He pressed with a raise of his thick eyebrows.
"It feels good because I'm happy." I squeezed Daxson's fingers that rested on my thigh.
"You've come a long way since the first session." Dr. Hawthorn offered an encouraging smile as he jotted down some notes in the red notebook perched in his lap. "In fact, you've both come a long way." His eyes focused on our interlaced hands.
"We work on ourselves everyday." Daxson's warm voice filled the air.
Dr. Hawthorn nodded, but I could see a glint of worry in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" I asked, curiously.
Dr. Hawthorn closed his notebook and leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him. "Have you guys thought much about the future?"
Daxson shifted uncomfortably beside me. "We haven't talked much about it yet because we're still new to our relationship, but we're committed to each other."
"We have plenty of time to talk about the future," I added.
"You have less than three months before the NFL combine, and only six months until the NFL draft. You won't be selected to a team in the state, so will you continue in a long-distance relationship?" Dr. Hawthorn sat back in his chair again. "Would you move to another state with him?"
I glanced at Daxson with a sudden tightness to my chest. I hadn't even thought about what we would do in a few months. Was leaving the state even an option? I couldn't just completely leave Caleb or my schooling behind? Daxson hadn't even told me he loved me.
"I haven't had time to think about all of that yet. There's still plenty of time to sort it all out though." I smiled and brushed my hair behind my ears.
Daxson's hand pulled away from mine as he leaned forward. "Sort what out? You wouldn't leave the state to be with me?"
My eye brows furrowed together as I stared at Daxson. "I mean, I wouldn't want to just drop everything. I do have a life hereâmy friends, my family, my degree."
"So, you'd want to spend months apart in different states? How are you supposed to be my number one fan, Ally?" He asked, the hurt woven into his voice.
I reached to touch Daxson, but he stood from the couch. His shoulders were tight as he paced between Dr. Hawthorn and me.
"I can still be your number one fan. It's all in here." I pointed to my chest. "I wouldn't want to be in different states, buâ"
"But what? The only thing holding you here is yourself." A distance look returned to his eyes, almost like he was staring through me.
I stood up. "My brother is here. I finally have a chance to chase after my dreams. I've already got my foot in the door at the science department, so applying to medical school would be easier here." I lifted my hand to touch his face, but he turned away from me. "Daxson, why are you acting like this?"
"I'm not acting like anything. I just thought we were a team, you know, in this together. I didn't think it would be a big deal for you to attend a different medical school." His eyes returned to my face.
"We are in this together, Dax." I took his hand in mine. "It's not really a big deal. It would just be more convenient for me to stay here."
Daxson watched me for a minute before he took a step away from me, shoving his hands into his jacket pocket with a quiet sigh.
Dr. Hawthorn cleared his throat and stood up from his chair, tucking his notebook beneath his arm. "I think before our next session, you both need to take some time to think about the future. It seems you've both started to conquer your past, but now, it's time for you to focus on your future, as individuals, and as a couple." He offered a warm smile as he pushed his glasses up his nose. "It was a pleasure seeing you guys. I hope you both have a happy holiday."
"You too, Dr. Hawthorn. Thank you for everything you've done." My eyes flashed over to Daxson, who acknowledged Dr. Hawthorn before turning to head for the door.
I didn't understand why Daxson was so upset. I figured he would be happy with me for making my own decision, but he didn't stop walking until he was in the parking lot, where he spun on his heels to look at me.
"It's not like you, but for some reason you're only thinking about yourself in this whole situation, Ally. There are other schools you could attend wherever I get drafted. Why are you only looking at what is convenient for you? What about us? You told me you wanted this relationship, that you wanted me, but you didn't take into account my lifestyle or my career." He shoved his hands deeper into his jacket pockets, pushing them into the air as he shook his head in frustration.
My relationship experience didn't extend very far, and this argument was uncharted territory for me. Maybe I was being selfish?
"Daxson, I'm soâ" My insides froze when my eyes landed on a familiar white truck pulling into the parking lot. The worn out toolbox in the bed of the truck was unmistakableâ I'd spent many hours with my butt on that piece of metal checking fields with my father.
The thoughts accelerated inside my head. This isn't good, Ally. I wanted the thoughts to slow so I could breathe but they wouldn't stop. I gasped for breaths as the parking lot around me started to spin, forcing me to squat to the pavement for support. What exactly are you going to say now? The acid churned in my stomach like a long lost friend. I felt sick.
Daxson rushed to my side as I held my head in my hands to try and slow everything down enough to let my body cope. "Ally, are you okay?" There was concern in his voice as his hands lifted my hair from my neck.
Was he only mad at me because he cares?
"I'm fine, Dax. Thanks." I continued to stare at the concrete as the slamming of doors filled the parking lot.
"Al-Allyson!" Caleb's sweet voice rang in my ears.
I couldn't let Caleb see me fall apart.
Daxson glanced over his shoulder to watch my brother hurry in our direction. "You have company." He helped me to my feet with a warm smile.
I avoided his gaze as I focused on Caleb, who cautiously approached us with his eyes fixated on Daxson's tall form. He was wearing his favorite blue shirt. I'm sure mother was happy about that. Caleb's index finger and thumb tapped together as he came to a stop in front of us.
"H-Hel... Hi. Long time, no see." Caleb avoided eye contact with Daxson, choosing to focus on me instead.
"Hey, Caleb. I've missed you." I held my hand out to him.
"I've missed you too. Are you going to i-intro... talk about your friend?" He asked, patting my hand.
Daxson flashed his warm smile. "I'm Daxson, buddy. You've talked to me a few times now."
Caleb glanced at Daxson briefly before a smile twisted onto his lips. "I k-knew who you were, but I wanted Allyson to introduce you. She was b-being rude." His eyes focused on Daxson's leather jacket. "I rea-really like your ja-jacket."
Daxson looked at his jacket and chuckled. "Thanks. I got it as a Christmas gift one year."
"I didn't realize you guys were coming to pick me up." I glanced past Caleb to see my parents getting out of the car.
"M-Momma wanted to surprise you." Caleb glanced over his shoulder toward our parents. He turned his attention back to Daxson and tapped his temple a few times nervously. "So, I've b-been meaning to ask you since last time we s-spok... talked, who is your favorite Avenger?"
My heart slammed against my ribcage as my parents approached us. I could tell from the looks on their faces that they had words to say. My mother wore a long brown shirt over some black leggings and a pearl necklace I'd never seen before. Her eyes scanned me a few times, and I folded my arms across my chest. She knew how to break any shield of confidence I had.
"Caleb, you can't just run from the truck like that. What have I told you about strangers snatching up little kids?" She hissed, grabbing his wrist.
Caleb flailed his arm and made a high-pitched squealing noise. "Don't touch me, M-Momma. I'm fine. They aren't s-strangers."
My mother yanked her hand away and shook her head disapprovingly at Caleb.
My father cleared his throat beside her, tucking his hands into the pockets of his jeans. "I believe this man right here is actually a stranger, Caleb. We've never met before." His dark eyes glanced to me before looking back at Daxson. "I have seen him on T.V. though."
Caleb tapped his fingers together at a faster pace and blinked his eyes. "That's Daxson, Daddy. He's Allyson's friend, and I r-really want him to be mine too. H-his favorite hero is Black P-Panther and he plays football. Isn't that so c-coo... awesome?"
I looked to my feet to avoid my mother's eyes, but her gaze still seemed to burn a hole in the top of my head.
"I don't think Allyson is actually friends with him, Caleb. He probably just stopped by to sign autographs before the big game," she stated.
"Is there something wrong with us being friends?" Daxson asked, his fingers curling into fists at his side.
My father's eyes assessed the small amount of space between Daxson and I. "I get the feeling you're trying to be more than friends, but my daughter knows better. It doesn't matter how famous you are."
My stomach churned at his words. This wasn't how he was supposed to find out. I thought I had more time.
"What exactly is that supposed to mean?" Daxson's shoulders were tight.
"I think you already know," My father responded with a venomous tone.
I looked up and met Daxson's blank stare. The look in his eyes betrayed the broken trust beneath his anger.
My parents always found a way to ruin everything.
"B-but Daddy, Daxson i-is a gâ" Caleb started, but our mother cut him off.
"Caleb hush." She put her finger to her lips.
Caleb frowned and stomped his foot, but remained silent.
My eyes never left Daxson. His stare was like a shard shoved straight into my heart, breaking it into a million pieces. Tears brimmed along my eyelashes because I knew I'd hurt him in a way that might not ever be forgiven.
"Allyson." My mother's voice was muddled among my thoughts.
Daxson shook his head as his eyes finally fell to the ground between us.
"Dax, I can explain. Please liâ" The words spilled from my lips desperate to mend my mistake.
"You weren't honest with me." When his eyes met mine again, they weren't warm and inviting like I had grown accustomed too. They were dark and distant, filled with distrust. "After everything I fucking told you, Ally."
He was right. I couldn't deny that.
His fists shook as he kept them by his side. "You put me and my entire family in danger again. How could you do that?"
"I'd never have put you in danger. I know they wouldn't do anything. I did it because I carâ" I started, but my parents' eyes on me made me nervous.
Daxson's eyes flickered between my parents again before he shook his head. I could tell there was so much he wanted to say, but he wouldn't do it in front of them. His jaw locked as he held his hands up between us. "Goodbye." He turned and walked toward his truck, leaving me standing with my parents on the sidewalk.
"Daxson," I called, begging him to turn around.
With each step he took my heart broke into one more piece. I couldn't even look at my parents. This was all their fault for being so entrenched in hatred.
"Allyson, I think we need to talk," my father snapped.
The tears rolled down my cheeks as I dug my nails into the sleeves of my shirt. They couldn't say anything to make me feel worse. Nothing felt worse than losing Daxson. It was like watching a piece of myself walk away. I felt defeated as his black truck pulled away from the parking lot in a hurry.
"You can say whatever you want. It doesn't matter anymore," I spat through my tears.
My mother's eyebrows pushed together. "Do not speak to us in that tone, Allyson."
"You never had a curfew, you've never been grounded, and we let you go to all the parties in high school. We got you a car at sixteen. You've had more freedom than I ever had growing up with your grandpa. We've given you and still continue to give you everything. We've only ever had one real rule for you to follow." My father glared at me.
I thrusted my hands by my sides in frustration. "Do you not realize how messed up that rule is, Dad? It's the twenty-first century, and you're saying I still can't be friends with, or even date a guy because of the color of his skin? As my father, shouldn't you just want me to be happy?"
"In the Bible, it says races aren't supposed to mix. It's in Deuteronomy 7 I believe. Do not intermarry with them. Do not give your daughters to their sons or take their daughters for your sons. We raised you to obey the word of God."
"Are you going to finish the verse? For they will turn your sons away from following me to serve other gods, and the LORD's anger will burn against you and will quickly destroy you. It doesn't say not to intermarry because of race. It has to do with the intermarrying of people with different religions. It means that two people who worship different gods shouldn't marry because it's a distraction to the person who worships the one true savior."
I hated the fact he tried to hide his flawed reasoning behind a misinterpretation of the Bible.
I wiped my tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of my shirt. "You raised me to be an intelligent, loving person. You taught me right from wrong, so I'm smart enough to make the right decisions. Like you said, you also taught me to read the Bible and believe in His word, and so I do. My favorite book is John because in 2:11 it reads, but anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them. You try to deny it, Dad, but you've been blinded for a long time."
My father's face scrunched up like it always did when he got angry. The creases in his forehead made him look so much older.
My mother waved her manicured hand in the air. "Ally, have you thought about how this will make the family look? How hard it will be to get a job or a place to live if they knew you were with a black guy? What about other guys? No decent guy will ever want to date you." She clutched her pearl necklace at the thought of being talked about by the entire town back home.
Allyson Reed dates black men. She acts like it's the next front page of the local newspaper. I mean there might be a few bad words said about me, but did that really matter if I was happy?
"There's laws against stuff like that. Equal opportunity employment and what not. It isn't the same as it used to be. Who cares what the people back home have to say anyway? It's none of their business."
"So, you want the neighbors back home to talk about Caleb and his condition? The teachers at the school already say he's a handful. He doesn't know how to listen." She shot Caleb a glare.
I focused on Caleb, who was staring off into the distance, probably trying to imagine his next Iron Man design, how anyone could talk about or mistreat someone as kind and as intelligent as Caleb was a mystery to me.
"But can't you just let mâ"
My father shook his head. "You know how we feel about it, and that's end of it. We will not condone that type of relationship. Understood?"
The guilt swallowed me in a heavy cloak. I had to protect Caleb, no matter how much it broke my heart. I was trapped in an endless cycle.
I hung my head, hunching my shoulders forward.
My father was quiet for a minute like he was trying to decide if my silence was a good enough response for him. "Now, let's load up the car and get home. I want to make it back to go to the woods this afternoon. We caught the big one on the camera last week." The anger in my father had been replaced by anticipation within an instant, but I knew my father and it was clear he was just hiding under his happy family façade again.
My mother nodded in agreement. "If we get back early enough, we can do something about your hair. You completely ruined your natural color with all that red."
Her words bounced off of me like raindrops on waterproof paint. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about the look on Daxson's face when the words left my father's lips. What kind of fucked up person am I for dragging him into something so cruel? I wanted something I knew I could never have. My stomach churned as my parents left to wait for us in the truck.
"I love you, Ally." Caleb patted my arm with his clammy hand. He stood by my side for a few minutes as I tried to recollect myself.
I pulled my phone from my pocket with shaky hands and flipped to Daxson's number. I stared at the screen for a minute.
Please let me explain, Dax. I can't do this without you.
I shoved my phone back into my pocket with a heavy sigh. "Why don't you go wait with Mom and Dad in the car? I have to run to my dorm and get my bag."
"Are you sure? I c-can go with you." Caleb tapped his fingers together at a slower pace.
I nodded. "Yes, I'm sure. I promise, I'll only be gone for a few minutes."
"O-Okay, Allyson." He paused. "Is Daxson g-going to be okay?"
His question brought the stinging tears back. I lifted my hand to cover my trembling lip as I tried to keep from crying in front of him. "I don't know. I wish I had an answer for you."
"Well, he knows that I don't care what c-col... type of skin he has. He's s-still my friend." Caleb nodded and patted my arm one last time before turning to walk back to the truck.
The tears rolled down my cheeks as I hurried to the entrance of the residence halls. I thought about returning to Dr. Hawthorn's office, but I couldn't let him see me go backwards. My feet didn't stop moving until I entered my dorm and crashed to the tile floor in the bathroom.
"Allyson?" Camila called after the door slammed shut.
My fingers grasped at the toilet as vomit raced up my throat without any help. I heaved and my stomach contracted in waves to force all of the guilty feelings from my body.
Camila dropped onto her knees beside me, lifting my hair from my neck. Her face was twisted with concern, but she didn't ask any questions. She sat beside me in silence until I finished.
"Camila, do you remember the day I told you I'd let you know if something was going on?" I asked, exhaling a sharp breath.
"Yeah, girl, of course I do." She placed her hands in her lap.
"Well, I need you now more than ever." I pushed myself off the ground and stepped around her to wash my hands and brush my teeth.
"Why are you talking in code?" She asked, standing from the ground as well.
After I finished brushing my teeth, I fixed my hair in the mirror. My mother didn't need anything else to complain about. I left the bathroom and headed over to my bed to grab my duffle bag. Camila followed me into the room with her arms folded across her chest.
"Basically, I haven't been honest with Daxson this entire time because I wanted the chance to be myself instead of living in my family's shadow." I tossed the strap of my bag across my shoulder.
"Your parents are racist, aren't they?" She pressed.
I nodded. "Yes."
Camila sighed as she watched me. "Ally, you put Daxson in a really fucked up position." She stepped over to me and placed her hand against my arm.
"I know. It was wrong of me, but Camila I did it because I care about him. I was afraid to hurt him." I looked at the floor. "He's already been to hell and back."
Camila shook her head. "You do care about him. I can see that, but I think you did it because you love him and were scared to lose him."
"I'm my best me when I'm with him. He helped me find myself when I was lost. He gave me a stable surface to stand on when I felt like the ground was crumbling beneath my feet. But I still couldn't stand up for him against my parents." My fingers curled around the strap of my bag. "The look on his face will haunt me."
Camila wrapped her arms around my neck. "This is a difficult place to be in Ally, but maybe he just needs some space. Give him some time to think things through, and you use that time to decide how much you care about him. Is your relationship with him more important than your relationship with your parents?"
I sighed as I thought about my mother's words regarding Caleb. "I don't care about my parents. I'm in this situation because I refuse to abandon Caleb. He's the only thing that matters to me." My phone buzzed in my pocket, causing my heart to leap against my chest.
I wanted to see his name flash across my screen, but a call from my mother lit up my phone. That was her way of saying hurry up. I tried to hide the disappointment.
Camila placed her hand on top of my phone and forced me to look at her. "Use this time to figure it all out, Lil Mama. This is a decision no one can make for you." She raised her phone into the air. "I'm not going back to Chicago to visit until Christmas, so I'll be able to talk whenever you need me. I'm just a phone call away."
I nodded. "Thanks, Camila. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving. I'll see you when I get back on Sunday." I stepped past her and slipped out of the dorm without another word.
The walk to my father's truck was long and agonizing; the imaginary shackles clanged together as I headed back to the prison I thought I had finally escaped. My thoughts were clouded with Daxson. Was this the end of us? Would he ever be able to forgive me?
As I climbed into the truck and settled in, my parents said something about learning to be on time, but I ignored them. I pulled my phone from my pocket and stared at the last message I sent Daxson.
A tear rolled down my cheek at the thought of that being the last thing I ever said to him.