It wasn't long before I was sitting by his side. His hands felt cold to the touch and his once handsome face was now sunken and un-life like. He had a breathing tube, because his lungs were failing at a rapid pace.
What have they done to you?
The silence in the room was filled by the unbearable beeping of the vitals machine, and my occasional sniffing.
Beep.
Beep.
As if those beeps were supposed to bring back my brother.
Beep.
Beep.
"You know, I never had a chance to live with you. I never had the chance to experience a life where I had a brother. Where I had a friend, someone I could turn to for help and advise. I never had someone who I knew was sleeping just one room over, who would never let me borrow their charger, but would give me a part of his liver in a heartbeat. I prayed and prayed for countless nights for God to show me a sign. I guess in my heart I always knew I had someone because I never felt whole. I never felt like I belonged because somehow I always knew that a small part of me was missing. Then I found you, but.... but I lost you in a heartbeat. You were gone before I had the chance to be reassured by your presence in my life."
I couldn't do it. I couldn't do this. No matter how hard I tried to talk, the words always got stuck in my throat. What could I possibly say to him that would make any sort of difference? I didn't have anything to say to him, but I didn't want to leave. I didn't want him to...to die alone. So I continued talking nonsense, like I was hoping he'd just wake up randomly and tell me this was all just an elaborate prank.
"I never had a chance to thank you for everything you've done for me. You fought so valiantly CJ. You gave it your all, but we're stuck in a game where someone is destined to lose. I hate that you were the one who got to leave. That you were the one who suffered unimaginable pain and loss your entire life. I hate that you were the one who got to leave. Just as you found us. You fought a hard war CJ. You deserve to rest... to...to take a break."
My throat hurt.
My heart hurt.
But I had to say something.
"I got it from here twin. I will keep them safe. You can let go now. I got it from here. You can let go." I held his cold hand in mine, and with tears flooding my eyes - I sang his favorite song.
Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It's the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It's the wrong time
For somebody new
It's a small crime
And I've got no excuse
I had to stop singing because it all hit me at once, and keeping my voice steady turned into an unbearable chore. I just wanted to know if he heard me but I know that that's impossible. His brain just isn't functional like that anymore.
I... I won't be able to hear his voice again....
He won't be able to call me sis again.... Or reassure me that he's got this...
I thought I saw him move his head, but I just think the tears in my eyes were playing tricks on me. I held his hand, so close to my face, just to be able to take in his scent one last time. I closed my eyes, and rocked back and forth.
I might have been exhausted and riddled with grief but I felt it. I felt him. He squeezed my hand. I know that that is impossible but I swear he squeezed my hand. Very lightly. Very gently; but it was there. Unfortunately though, I didn't even have a chance to even comprehend this gesture or what it could mean because he flatlined half a second later.
The code blue alarm went off in his room which made this impending doom all the more realistic.
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. You're okay." I don't know who I was reassuring more, but I knew that I had to say it out loud. The nurses, doctor and PA came into the room, my parents right behind them.
They didn't say anything. They just crouched next to me, on either side and hugged me very tightly, both quietly crying.
I was still holding his hand, as if I was trying to memorize his scent before they took him away. Trying to memorize how it felt like to hold my twin one more time. Trying to remember what I couldn't feel my entire life because we never knew we existed.
"As per Mr. Pierce's request, he refused to be resuscitated and he signed a DNR." The nurses slowly turned off the sound on the vitals machine while the doctor checked the pulse on his hand. He took his stethoscope out and auscultated his heart and lungs. I prayed that he catches just a glimpse of life, just a reason for us to hold on to. But I also prayed for him to find peace ; no matter where that is. In my heart, I already knew the answer.
He took a deep breath, sorrow in his eyes, before he announced, "Time of death 5:30 pm."
I still wasn't able to let go. It was as if by letting go of his hand, I'd be letting go of my twin forever. As if I'd be admitting that Blake and Lucas won.
"Mom. Mom CJ is g..gone. Dad. Dad can you bring him back... please. Please"
"I'm so sorry honey. I... I am so sorry." My mom held both my hands to hers, and CJ's lifeless hand dropped to his side. The sight was unbearable, but the only thing that gave me comfort was knowing that he was finally at peace. He lived his entire life in pain and agony, and just when he found peace, it was taken from him in a heartbeat.
My friends came into the room to say their goodbyes, and I had to leave; Jaycee eyeing me discreetly. If I stayed there any longer I would have lost my mind. Brenda and Sabrina were the first to come in, a single flower in each of their hands. While Jaycee, Ashton and Aaron all had their heads down. My dad walked out with me, his arms around my shoulder, his chin resting on my head.
"I'm so sorry Lexi. Oh God the horrors you must have witnessed."
"He... he saved me dad. He literally sacrificed himself for me. I'm here because of him." I cried onto his shoulder. He's not used to seeing me like that and I'm not used to seeing him cry either. His hug was the type that made me feel safe and contained ever since I was a little child. Their little, only child.
I got so absorbed in my own pain that I forgot that my parents lost their child twice. They had to go through this pain and suffering twice.
"Dad?" I said, still lying on his shoulder.
"Yes pumpkin?"
"I'm sorry for your loss."
He didn't say anything, he just held me tighter while we both shared the grief and pain of loss.
A few seconds later, our two people hug became three people. Then more and more as all my friends came to hug us.
"We're so, so sorry for your loss Mr. P. If there's anything we can do, please.... Please don't hesitate to let us know. My parents also send their condolences." Said Jaycee, giving my dad a big hug.
"Thank you son." Was all my dad said as he went to join my mom in CJ's room again. She was sprawled over his lifeless body, weeping silently and patting his hair.
It just hit me that the last time I saw my parents, my mom was in a coma and my dad had to be sedated. I thought that the next time I saw them, we would all be reunited and CJ would be here. That he would be telling them stories about how he managed to outsmart Lucas and Blake and bring the both of us back home safely. That we would all take a month long trip discovering lost cities in Europe. Instead, we will be planning my brother's funeral.
"Hey Lex." Said Sabrina, extending her hands out for a hug. I took it without a second thought.
"He's gone Reena. I..I don't..." My words got caught in my throat.
"I know. I know. It's okay. We're all here for you Lexi."
She lead me to the couches across the hallway from his room.
"No. No. We're not doing this. Get up." I looked towards the person who had the audacity to utter such words, and saw Jaycee walking towards us.
"What? I'm not allowed to grieve my brother's death now Jay?"
"Yes of course you are allowed to Lexi, but I'm not going to let that be all you do. You already went through a lot of trauma and the last thing you need is to relapse into another dark hole." He reasoned, lowering himself to my level. His eyes said so much, they always did.
He's not entirely wrong, but this is my brother. The one I only found out about a few weeks ago and now he's gone.
"I have an idea. Come, follow me." Said Brenda, dragging me right off the chair and almost sent me flying through some patient's room.
"Where are we going?" I asked, drying my tears and wiping snot simultaneously with my sleeve.
"Somewhere where you'll smile. You'll see."
Okay, fine. Let's see where this will take us. I highly doubt that will happen but okay.
We walked down the hallway, and down the elevators from the ICU to the inpatient ward. We passed the nurses' station and stopped in front of a room.
"Who the heck is here?" I ask, praying its not another one of my friends; dead.
Before she even opened her mouth, I heard yelling.
"Why do you continue to be a pain in my ass?"
British? Wait. I know that voice.
"I don't care what you say, we are watching Dexter's Laboratory first, and then we'll watch your dumb show!"
"This isn't your dad's personal little cottage! Give me the remote."
"Over my dead body weird name!"
"You almost were a dead body you absolute unit!
Oh my God! Jace! And is that, Alec Xander?
I barged in to see two grown men sitting on wheelchairs with their cute little hospital gown fighting over a TV remote like children.
"Alexis!" They both looked at me, which meant the remote fell on the floor and slid under the couch.
Jace stood up and towered over me in three seconds. He gave me the biggest hug, as if he wasn't shot because of me a couple of weeks ago.
"I'm so glad you're okay Lex." He moved a couple of inches away and just looked at me, as if he was taking me in for the first time. When he saw that I was crying, he wiped away my tears.
"What happened Lex? I'm okay. I'm right in front of you. I'm okay..." He was cut off by Alec.
"I don't think it's you she means mate. You wouldn't remember, but while you were unconscious, someone else was hurt. Badly hurt. A tall guy with curly, black hair. SK or DJ or something. Is... is he okay Alexis?"
I couldn't answer. I couldn't say anything, and by the looks of it, Jace caught on.
He stumbled back on to his bed, almost slipping.
"I am so sorry love." Alec stood up to give me a hug. It's weird how being nice can change people.
"Thanks dude. Means a lot." He smiled half a smile and proceeded to sit down.
"It can't... it can't be... he was fine. What happened Lexi? He was... he was fine." He covered his mouth with his hand, his eyes shot up in disbelief.
Jace was also one of the few people who's known CJ for most of his life.
"Umm can you... can you take me to him? Can I see him please?"
"Of course. Come on sit on the wheelchair, I'll take you there."
The walk back upstairs to the ICU was agonizing, albeit short. My mom was still sitting next to CJ, their hands intertwined. I knocked on the door and wheeled Jace in, as close as I could get. I looked into his face again, for the last time. The beautiful black curls, the mole on the side of his lips, the scattered freckles.
"Oh man. What happened Ceej? I thought we said we'd do this life thing together bro. You even bet that I would end up maiming myself so badly that you would have no choice but to be super rich so you can afford to have a whole medical team at my command. Of course you predicted that I would run them all away because my twisted sense of humor would be too much. We wanted to backpack through Europe after graduation and see life for the first time ever. I'm sorry man... I... I'm so so sorry. But..." he took a deep breathe and continued, his voice shaking; heavy with sorrow, "but I promise to carry you with me in everything I do bro. You're never gone. Bros for life Ceej. Bros for life my man."
He took his hand in his and did that weird handshake they always did. It hurt more seeing how CJ's hand was so lifeless as he did it. I don't think I've ever seen Jace cry before. It felt like his soul was being ripped apart, it looked like he was screaming, but no sound came out. In my opinion, that was the most painful, most gut wrenching cry of all time.
A few moments later, he wiped his face with his gown and looked at me with half a smile. It was nowhere as close as the breathtaking smile he always wore. I don't think any of us are capable of going back to the way we were before this.
"Ok Lexi, you can wheel me out now. I can't be here any more."
He didn't need to say another word. I felt him. We were a few steps outside the room before the medical team came back in. My mom calmed down a little but she still had to be dragged out of the room by my dad; her screams echoing across the entire hallway.
We all stood outside his room -- me, Jaycee, Brenda, Sabrina, Jace, Aaron, mom and dad -- hand in hand as we watched them take out his breathing tube. They slowly undid the tape and took out his IV, and cleaned the site. They removed the vital machines from around him and the ECG, and turned off all the screens. They gave us one last glance before they covered his beautiful face with his white blanket.
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6 MONTHS LATER
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"Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome our valedictorian on to the stage to give her graduating speech. You might remember her from the few crime shows she's been on and many morning talk shows. This special student will be attending the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland. Please help me welcome our very own, Alexis Pierce."
The crowd erupted in an applause and whistles in celebration. The principle stepped down from the stage and gave me the microphone, before I got up on the stage he whispered in my ear, "I'm so proud of you Ms. Pierce."
"Thank you sir." I got up on stage, facing more than 250 people.
"Hi everyone. I've been debating with myself on whether or not I should say anything. I didn't think I would have it in me to say anything - but I decided against it. As you all know, I found out I had a twin brother months ago - CJ Walker. Unfortunately our reunion didn't last long before he ended up dying due to mercury poisoning. CJ was one of the most selfless people I've ever met. He risked his life for me, to save me and it cost him his own. You've all known him much longer than I did. The boy who smiled at everyone. The one who helped coach the elementary school soccer team. The supportive, friendly face in the crowd cheering for his friends on the bleachers. We all have a version of CJ in our minds that will never falter."
His image flashed in my head and I had to recoup for a second.
"He taught me to be kind and caring and selfless. He taught me to be brave and fearless and to always put family first. So let's leave this auditorium tonight with that in our hearts. Let's leave this school, and start the rest of our lives with hope and love in our hearts. Because in more ways than one, CJ was everyone's brother. So, class of 2014, let's honor his memory and keep his legacy going. Let's not just be a face in the crowd. Let's go out in life with the intent of making a difference..." I took a deep breath before I concluded, "let us be a light in someone's life. Congratulations to all of us and may the rest of our lives be filled with love, success, and good friends."
I looked at everyone as they gave me a standing ovation. I saw my friends sitting in the front row, all clapping for me, my parents and Annabelle a few rows back. Even Giovanni and Alec Zander were there.
We've all come a long way and I'm not the same girl who walked through those doors for the first time four years ago; scared and alone. I'm a med student now, a valedictorian, a survivor - I am not the girl no one noticed anymore.
THE END
**** ____ ****
In other news:
Blake received a life sentence in maximum security prison with no possibility of parole for the murders of Jesse and Lucas, for the kidnapping of Alexis and for the poisoning of CJ.
Giovanni and his gang were given 550 hours of community service and parole for two years, and all their guns have been confiscated. They decided to go back to university to finish their education and stop being in a gang although they all rent a house off-campus. Alec Zander is studying architecture while Giovanni enrolled in a crime investigation program.
Luis was given two years probation since Alexis decided to drop the charges. He plans on starting a non-profit organization to keep at-risk kids away from gangs and
Brad's suspension turned into a felony since Alexis almost died and he was expelled from school and spent 6 months in juvie.
There has been a petition to change the name of the school to the CJ Walker-Pierce High School with a whopping 67,976 signatures.