Chapter 19: ❝ so much more to say ❞

(unedited)

So much more to say,

Suspended in the air.

Between the truth,

And rights in place,

Spilling over everything.

"The Story Left Untold" -Every Avenue

"Hey." I jumped and closed my laptop, accidentally slamming it shut due to my surprise.

I looked up to see Kallie in the doorway, looking amused. "You scared me," I said.

She walked in and sat on the edge of the bed. "What'cha doin'?" The smile she gave me was bright, albeit a little tired. She had probably just gotten Alisa, her and Brett's hyperactive four year old daughter- into bed.

"Just looking at universities." I gestures to the pamphlets around me.

It wasn't a lie. I was looking at universities.

Or, at least, I had been.

I had gotten curious about Freya- my biological mother- so I had Googled her. She was married to Xavier Scott, which I already knew. I found out they had a five year old son named Jackson, which I wasn't sure how I felt about. It was stupid, since, you know, kids were what typically followed marriage. And it had been over seven years after she left me with Jared -my biological father- that she had him.

She was thirty-four, which meant she would've been seventeen when she had me. The same age as I was now. I couldn't blame her, she had probably been scared- I would've been.

"Know what you want to major in?" Kallie asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

I shrugged. "I'm thinking Law, like Kaden, or criminal justice, like Blake."

"Oh."

Her tone made me look up. "You don't approve?"

"No, they're find jobs to have," she replied quickly. "Just... Why?"

I shrugged again. "Mystery and human behavior interest me." And being a lawyer or a detective was the only way I could put what Devon taught me to use. Call me sadistic, but I liked guessing people's secrets, knowing when they were lying. It made me feel... In control, like I wasn't clueless about everything.

I hated feeling clueless.

"What about psychology, like Devon?" Kallie suggested.

"I don't know if I would be okay with metaphorically digging around people's brains." I didn't want to go that deep. Plus, I was horrible at giving advice. I glanced at her. "Are they bad majors?"

She shook her head. "No, they're just... Hard."

I raised an eyebrow. "So you don't think I could do it?" Ouch.

She shook her head again, quicker this time. "It's not that."

"Then... Why?" I asked slowly.

"It's... Dangerous," she said.

"I know that." I glanced at the pamphlets. I have gotten way too many warnings lately. About everything.

"No, Lena, I'm serious," she continued. "There's a reason Kaden took over the firm and not me."

I looked up. "I thought it was just because you weren't interested in Law."

"It's wasn't just that. He didn't want me to." She paused. "A good lawyer, like Kaden is, like I'm sure you would be, can do a lot of damage."

"Okay...?" I wasn't sure what she meant by that. I knew that being a good lawyer meant you had a fair amount power and coverage from the news. Kaden did, though I guess him owning one of the biggest law firms in the world helped.

"To win some cases, you have to make the other person look bad," Kallie said. "Dig up secrets, bad things they've done to make them look bad."

I have a feeling I know where she was going.

"And," she continued, looking me dead in the eye. "Some people will do anything to keep their secrets buried six feet under the ground."

"It can't be that bad, though," I protested. "Kaden's fine, right?"

She shook her head. "If you're good lawyer, you usually get high-profile cases, dealing with big companies, scandals, murder-" My breath caught at the last one, but I don't think she noticed. If she didn't, she didn't mention it, just continued. "Scandals ruin reputations. Reputations matter a lot to some people."

"I know," I said. "I can be careful."

"It's not just being careful," she told me.

I blinked. The way she pushed how I shouldn't follow in Kaden's footsteps... The way they all did, her, Kaden and Raine, it was like... "Did something happen?" I asked Kallie. "Not to Kaden, but someone else?"

I tried to think of the little I knew about Kaden's job. He didn't take on partners; at least, I didn't think he did. I hadn't seen him with a partner in the time I lived with him and Raine. I hadn't done much research on his job from before I had come to live with him, I had been curious, but I hadn't thought it mattered that much.

Kallie shook her head. "No it's not that, really."

I couldn't tell if she was lying or not. It almost felt like she was, but it was hard to tell. I didn't want to believe that she was that something had happened, but the way she denied it... Maybe she wasn't lying, but she wasn't telling the whole truth either.

"Maybe it's selfish," she said. "But, I just don't want to have to worry about losing two people to some trigger happy psycho."

♡ the trouble with love ♡

"You nervous?" Brett asked, glancing at me briefly as he pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant where I was meeting Freya for lunch. I glanced around. The parking lot was pretty full. I hadn't heard of the restaurant before, but Kallie told me it was a nice, but casual one. At least there'd be people.

What do you expect her to do, though? Kidnap you?

"A bit," I lied. More like a lot.

"Do you want me to come with?" Brett offered.

I shook my head. "No it's fine. Thanks, though."

"You sure?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

It wasn't like she was a monster or something. I was just nervous since I didn't know what to think. I didn't remember her. She had given me away when I had been one, and I didn't remember much before the age of five.

"Thanks for driving me."

He leaned over and gave me a partial hug. "Text me or Kallie when you're done, alright?"

I nodded and moved to open the door, then froze and turned back to look at Brett. "Do I have to do this?"

"No," he said. "But it's kind of the reason you came to New York."

No, I came because Kaden wanted me to stop poking around the Elite. I didn't say that out loud, of course.

"Besides," Brett continued. "You can't put it off anymore, your flight back's tonight."

Alright, so maybe I had pushed back meeting Freya until the last moment possible because I had been nervous. As hypocritical as it may have been, I didn't like finding out secrets about myself. I was perfectly content with leaving my past in exactly that- the past.

"It's good to get answers, Lennie," Brett said when I neither moved nor replied.

"I don't know if I want them," I admitted.

He leaned back, and turned to look at me. "I can't force you to do anything. If you really don't want to do this, we can go."

"Really?"

He nodded. "Freya's a nice person, though. She made some mistakes, but we all have."

I raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to turn into Devon now?"

He rolled his eyes. "I couldn't even if I wanted to. But you might feel better about your past after talking to her."

"I don't feel bad about my past!" I protested.

"That's not what Devon told me," he said.

Damn you, Devon.

"Don't believe a word he says," I told him.

He snorted. "I'm inclined to believe the trained professional over the teenager."

"This is what I get for confessing my fears to people," I muttered, crossing my arms over my chest.

He rolled his eyes. "Now quit stalling, and get in there, Lennie."

"I thought you said I didn't have to go if I didn't want to," I reminded him. So maybe I was stalling. I didn't know if I wanted to meet her, or if I wanted to run away, and pretend I never had the option. Meeting her wouldn't hurt -probably- but it wasn't like I'd benefit that much from it either. I think.

"You don't have to," Brett said quietly. "But I think you'll end up regretting it if you don't."

I sighed. "Fine." I opened the car door. "Thanks." I waved goodbye and watched him pull out of the parking lot before walking inside.

"Reservation under Scott," I told the hostess. She flipped through the large binder in front of her, then led me to a private room.

Alright then. Screw the idea of people.

It was empty when we got there. I checked my phone once she left. I was a couple minutes early, even with how much I had stalled. Even so, I had only been there for a moment before the door opened and the hostess appeared again with a woman behind her.

Freya, I think. Her appearance matched the pictures of her on Google. There was no doubt that she was my mother- biologically, at least. We had the same colour hair, though hers was a tiny bit redder and similar facial structures. Her eyes were brown, though, I had gotten my eyes from my dad.

"Hi..." I trailed off, unsure of what to call her. I wasn't sure if she would get offended if I used her name. Mom was out of the question for sure, she hadn't been a mother to me so I wouldn't just call her that.

Avril and Blake were the only ones I had actually called Mom and Dad. Possibly Hayley and Jared as well, but I couldn't remember. I wasn't really sure who I could say were my parents. Jared and Freya were, biologically. Hayley and Jared had raised me from one to five. I had stayed with Blake and Avril for the longest- seven years. Kaden and Raine were my current guardians.

They had all been nice, but I had never stayed long enough to be able to call it home.

"Hi, Melissa," she said.

I blinked. It was weird, hearing my first name. I hadn't used if for over ten years. It was still legally my name, but I hadn't used it for anything, all my school documents used Elena and that was how I introduced myself and what other people called me. "I go by Elena, now," I told her.

"Oh." She sat down across from me. "Can I ask why?"

I shrugged. "I wanted a change after Blake and Avril died."

She flinched. "I'm sorry."

I gave her a slight, awkward smile that probably ended up looking more like a grimace.

"Do you want to order anything?" she asked, changing the subject. "It's on me, of course."

"Um... I'll just have a salad, thanks." It was sort of awkward, weird talking to her. We weren't strangers, I mean we were related my blood, but we might as well have been. I had no idea what to say to her.

She nodded and gave my order and hers to the waitress that came. "So, do you know what school you're going to yet?"

Alright, small talk it is, then.

"I'm not sure yet," I replied. "Right now, I'm going to Blaire Academy, but I don't know what university I want to go to yet."

"Have you looked around New York? There are a lot of great universities here," she said lightly.

I nodded. "Yeah, I checked out Columbia."

"Do you know what you want to study?" she asked.

Well, this is kind of lame. Devon and Brett and Raine and Kallie and Kaden were all wrong. This really isn't helping.

"What's with all the questions?" I demanded, instead of answering.

She stared, looking taken aback. "I'd like to get to know you better, Mel- Elena," she said.

"You gave up that chance a long time ago," I reminded her, my tone harsher than I had intended. I wasn't sure if I was really made at her for giving me up. Sometimes, I wondered what my life would be like if she hadn't, if things hadn't happened the way they had, if Jared and Hayley, or Blake and Avril hadn't died.

I wouldn't be the same person, I know that for sure.

"I know. And there isn't anything I can say that can make what I did okay," she said. "I'm not proud of it."

"Why did you do it then?" I asked.

She sighed. "I wish I could say I had a good reason, but I don't. I was just scared."

"Why now? Why do you suddenly want to now?"

"You never asked before now," she told me. "I knew you were in good hands. Raine's a close friend of mine." She looked away. "I didn't want to interrupt your life until you were ready."

I stared at her, not knowing what to say. So there wasn't some big reason why she had given me to Jared. It had just been because she had scared. Did that count as a valid reason? If it happened to me, I would be scared, but whether I would give my child up... That I wasn't sure about.

Freya glanced at me. "But I'd like to be part of your life now, Elena." She paused. "How do you feel about that?"

What? "I don't know," I admitted. It was another change.

"I understand if you don't want to," she said. "But if you decide to study in New York, you can always stay with me."

My breath caught. "What about Xavier and Jackson?" I asked.

"I've talked it over with Xavier, he's okay with it. And Jackson's always wanted a sister." She gave me a soft smile.

I opened my mouth to respond, then stopped. "I- I'll think about it," I said.

I didn't like my past. But I didn't have to hate everyone from it.

-- ♡ --

Freya --- >

Teaser: "You can't ask me to trust you when I barely even know you," I said.

"So get to know me then," he replied.

I stared at him. "What kind of game are you playing now?"

QotC: Thoughts on Elena's past?

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