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Ivy
I always heard that bubble gum had the ability to boost up your confidence. The minute you put it in your mouth, and chew, you just get this boost out of nowhere. It makes you feel baddass, untouchable, and incredibly pretty. I never actually believed it until today. Even as Edith bailed on me after I drove us to school, I didn't worry about it too much, seeing as I knew I would have to go through with this myself, I had to face the awkwardness myself.
And yes, this was Michelle's effect talking, and I'm only doing this to get it off my system.
The ability to think straight had left me the moment she left me standing at Renegades.
I knew I wasn't okay. I mean, my outfit was prove enough. This wasn't me, this will never be me, and I knew, somewhere at the back of my mind, a voice whispered to me, a voice told me that I would most definitely regret my actions whenever this wears off, cause right now, I couldn't pin point anything wrong with what I was wearing, but I knew everything was wrong with it. Edith repeatedly told me, but I ignored.
When I got into school, literally all eyes were on me. The girls just looked at me with confusion, probably wondering why I was dressed like I slept at a strip club after stripping all night, the boys had dreamy looks on, the lust oozing off of them as their eyes tried to penetrate through what I was wearing.
The scariest part about all this was that, I didn't even feel ashamed, when I should... I didn't hide away in embarrassment, which I should have, instead, like the first day, I held my head high, feeling like the prettiest girl in the whole dimension.
Some part of my mind wanted to just rush back outside, and cover my eyes in shame, but a bigger, more stupid and forceful part of me, pushed me further into the school.
I wanted to ask myself what I was doing, but I couldn't, because it felt right, and I knew it wasn't supposed to.
I stopped at my locker, which had already opened upon me just staring at it. I heard the whispers float around me in waves.
'Damn, didn't know she was this hot'
'What in hells name is she wearing? Doesn't even suit her.'
'She snapped.'
'Ethan's so damn lucky, he gets to keep all of that.'
A small smile grew on my lips at the last one I heard.
Maybe this wasn't so bad after all... Maybe I can make this the new me... I'm positive Ethan's going to love it.
Just on cue, I felt his warmth around me. About time.
When I turned, I found him already reaching me, but there was a deep frown on his face, one I've never seen on him before.
"Hey-" he stopped me from completing my statement by grabbing me by my wrist without a word, pulling me down the hallway in fast pace, his grip strong but not enough to leave any bruise.
I practically ran after him, trying to keep up with his fast pace.
The stares around us doubled, the whispers increasing.
In a short moment, we were entering into what looked like the boys locker room, but it was super huge, the lockers looked like mini wardrobes, I temporarily wondered what they kept in there.
I snapped out of my thoughts when the door slammed shot behind us. Due to the echo, I knew we were the only ones here.
He let go of my hand, turning to face me, the anger evident in his eyes. "First off, are you feeling okay this morning?" He asked.
I raised a brow, trying to calm my rushed breathing from the little run. "What do you mean?" I asked.
He scanned my body from head to toe, almost like he couldn't understand why I asked him that question.
His eyes, dark and stern, met mine. "What do I- what do I mean?" He asked.
"Well, you enlighten me... You just dragged me in here like a mad man in front of the whole freaking school." I said, my eyes meeting his straight on, my arms crossed stubbornly against my chest.
"Are you-- are you kidding me right now? What the fuck are you wearing?" He asked.
I've heard him swear, but most times, not to me... He rarely even swears in front of me, but now he's doing just that... Which only means, he's very mad.
I should care... I should just apologize, I wanted to, but I couldn't-- what is happening to me?
"Cloths." My mouth answered. "What else do people wear?" I asked.
He went quiet, his eyes going up and down my body again. "This isn't-- why are you even dressed like this? Are those real piercings?"
"I don't see the point of answering your questions, and I really don't want to be late for class."
He looked taken aback.
I made a move to turn, but he stopped me by pulling my arm back.
"If you think I'm gonna let you go back out there, looking like this, you're definitely wrong."
I scoffed, shrugging off from his grip. "Looking like how? Ugly?"
"Provocative." He countered immediately.
"I'm allowed to dress the way I want." I inserted stubbornly.
"I know, I know that... But not when it makes guys look at you in a way I'd find delight in plucking out their eyes with a knife, how in the world did you get the idea that I'd be okay with this?" He asked, his eyes confused, and filled with anger, although I could tell he was trying to control it.
I suppressed the hurt that tried to penetrate through my heart.
You're fat and ugly, and irritating too look at. Her voice reminded me.
He shook his head, moving to one of the lockers, which opened immediately.
I watched him search for something, as my eyes tried to hold back tears from forming, but I knew they'd come rushing down my cheeks anytime from now.
He pulled out a black sweater, one that looked like it'd be oversized on him if he wore it.
Walking back to me, he handed the sweater over. "I can only allow you back out there, if you put this on."
My gaze fell on the sweater, then to him. I could already feel the tears building up in my eyes.
Everything about you is distasteful. I tried blocking her voice out, but it wouldn't budge.
His gaze softened, the anger slipping right off. "Listen Ponytail, I don't know why you're doing this, but what I know for sure is that, this isn't you. Okay? This doesn't even look like something you'd do, and I know deep down you're not comfortable with this-- whatever it is you're wearing. I'm also not comfortable with it too. So just stop whatever it is you're doing, and put this on... Please."
You're weak, boring and tiring to look at.
I blinked, allowing my tears find their place down my cheek, as I took the sweater from him, a silent smile meeting my lips.
"They were right." I let out.
He sighed. "What are you talking about? Who's they?"
"Everyone." I let out, my voice coming out strained. "I didn't want to believe them, I thought I knew what you wanted."
"What do you mean?"
You're not his taste, and he's probably with you out of pity...
My eyes lifted to meet his. "Why didn't you just tell me? Why did you have to lead me on, and make me believe that you really did care about me?"
I watched how confusion settled on his brows, drawing them both together. "I don't-"
He probably thinks he's responsible and has to make it up to you by pretending that he likes you...
Tears poured down my eyes, I didn't even want to imagine what I looked like right now. "I know what you think of me Ethan. I know you don't really love me, I know you're only with me because you pity me, because you feel like you have to. Because you feel responsible for what happened to my parents."
The confusion slipped off his face, easily replaced with hurt. "What are-"
"No, you don't get to talk now... I do. I do because I'm tired of being lied to. I mean I understood when you lied to protect me, but lying to love and care about me, is really the last straw."
He blinked, almost like my words were taking their time to register in his head. "What are you talking about, Ivy? I care about you, and I love you, that's why I'm doing this."
I scoffed. "I'd be a fool to believe that." I let out. "You only dragged me in here to protect yourself... Because you're the cool Ethan, and you didn't want anyone seeing how fat and ugly your 'girlfriend' is. Why? Probably because you're ashamed people would start disrespecting you because your girlfriend looks like shit."
His eyes widened like I had slapped him with my words. "What the hell are you even going on about? Why would you even think I would... Think that of you?" He asked, sounding hurt. "You're misreading my intentions."
...the only girl he'll ever love is me. Her voice whispered.
"Am I? Because I think not. Back at the outside, no guy ever called me beautiful, no one even looked my way, and I actually love the fact that they were honest with their opinion of me. I should have known that you were just lying to me, you were just trying to be the good guy. And after what, after you're bored, and tired, you're just gonna dump me and what? Go out with girls who are taller, prettier with soft black hair and sexy figures, you know... Your type."
"My type? What does that even mean?"
I frowned. "Don't even pretend to not know what I'm talking about Ethan, don't."
A little silence dragged on before he broke it with a sigh, rubbing his temples like I was stressing him out or something. "Why are you even saying all this?"
"Because it's the truth."
"The truth," he injected immediately. "You say it's the truth. When have I ever done anything to make you think that I don't love you, or that I don't care about you? Literally, you're just saying this like it's normal and it happens everyday for me to lie about my feelings. What did you expect me to do? I did anything and everything anyone would do if they were in my place."
"Yeah you did, but not because you cared. Just because you're ashamed."
"Stop." He let out, taking a step closer to me, in which I took a step back.
"You know what? Maybe I'm not comfortable with what I'm wearing, maybe I wanted to get a reaction out of you, but- you just showed me everything that was said about you was true."
The look he gave me, told me that my words were hitting him wrongly... I should stop, but that push still remained, forcing me to say these things.
"You don't know how wrong you are, Ivy. Don't listen to what people say, this is what they want, to get in your head, to make you think that I'm with you because I only pity you... I thought you knew how much you mean to me? I thought there was an understanding between us--"
"Don't try to make this about you."
"I'm not... I'm just confused... Are just saying all this to hurt me purposely cause I don't like the way you look right now, or because you really mean it."
I shrugged, putting his sweater on in a swift movement. "There, now you don't have anything to be ashamed of." I said.
I tried to tell myself to stop cause right now, he looked really hurt.
"I was never ashamed of you Ivy, it was never my intention to make you feel that I was-"
"Yeah, right." A humorless laugh escaped me. "Michelle was right... It's only a matter of time before you get bored, it shows already. You don't find me attractive, that's why you refused me the other night, making up a stupid excuse, that's why you dragged me in here to protect your reputation. But don't worry, you're good, because I'll save you from the stress... If you don't want to be with me, I won't let this drag on."
Fear and worry joined the hurt in his eyes. "Let what drag on?"
"This pointless relationship of course... It's pretty obvious you want to be with someone else, and I'm only in the way."
"Pointless relationship? Do you realize how far you're taking this?"
"I'm not taking anything far, it's where it's meant to be. To save you from the stress of having to dump me in future, we can just call it quit right here and right now."
"Are you kidding?" He asked, disbelieve blessing his face. "Ivy-"
"No, this is what you wanted right?"
"Of course not, Ivy... Do you even have any idea how much I love you? You can't just say something like this-"
"Well, you also can't just pull me in here, giving me your sweatshirt because you 'claim' to care about me. Which of course I know better than to believe you. I don't even know why I'm still having this conversation with you. I'm already wearing the sweatshirt right? Your reputation is saved and you're happy now, aren't you?"
He didn't look happy. He couldn't even meet my gaze.
I scoffed. "I thought so. This was fun, while it lasted... I'll make sure to return your sweater." I heard myself say, as I walked out of boys locker room, leaving him there all by himself.
It wasn't until I was half way down the hallway to my locker, did I start to feel it.
My head was foggy, and I really didn't know how to explain everything that just went on.
Suddenly, it snapped.
I didn't hear her anymore. Her voice was silent in my head.
It was almost like it had been waiting for me to cause a major damage before it finally freed me.
No.
I felt a churn in my stomach as I quickly rushed to the direction of the bathroom, glad that it was empty, as I pushed into one of the stalls, throwing up in the toilet. I felt sick to my stomach.
My mind a haze of itself as my body shook.
When I finished, I pressed on the flush button, my back resting on the wall. As I try to calm my raging heart.
Everything rushed back to me with full force, everything I said and did from the moment I talked to Michelle. My reaction to Ethan on the first day, my talk with Caramel and Fiona, my messed up visit to Edith, and the shame of walking into school, half naked.
I sobbed out, my hand covering my face in utter shame.
My conversation with Ethan replayed in my head with a very clear picture.
I didn't care how loud I was, the tears just keep falling, and my heart squeezed with every sob I let out.
What the hell did I just do?
__
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