*Geek Boy*
Catherine's words filled my skull as I started to speak.
You make girls feel like crud because you don't notice them, but it's not like there's anything wrong with me. I'm perfectly fine.
It's you Will. You don't trust people, or rather, you can't trust people. You're screwed up so bad that you couldn't open yourself up to anyone even if you tried.
You picked a girl you wouldn't have to open up to.
She was wrong.
I trusted Ellie. I wasn't going to hurt her because I was scared. I wasn't going to ruin our relationship because the memory hurt.
Catherine was wrong. She had to be.
*
7 years ago
I was bent over my latest drawing, my fingers flying over the page as I sketched the mountain photograph that stretched over two pages of my wild habitats book. I dropped the pencil as I finished. Picking up the sketchbook, I held it up in front of me, trying to imagine I was my teacher looking at it.
I scowled. It was horrible.
I tore up the pages, scrunching them up.
"Mom!" I yelled.
James, five, looked up from his blocks and grinned. His dark hair was overgrown againâmom always forgot to take him to the hairdresser. He retrieved the scrunched up ball and started playing with it.
Mom wandered out of the kitchen, drying her hands on her apron. Her long brown hair was dishevelled, tumbling down her torso in curls. Beneath the blue patchwork design and floral dress, her stomach was large and curved. She was seven months pregnant, which was partially why she was at home today. Dad had insisted that she take a break from all the motivational speaking until the baby was born.
"What's wrong sweetheart?"
"I need to draw something in person," I said impatiently.
I felt a jab of guilt at the way I'd said it. It wasn't her fault the drawings weren't working. I was just stressed. Mr. Kilinski had demanded we had a landscape drawing to show the class by tomorrow, and every one of the dozens of drawings I'd sketched today had just been wrong.
She started to slip off the apron. "How about we go down to the park then? You can draw the swings and the people and everything."
The park was only a few minutes away, and we could walk there.
I shook my head rapidly. "No. We need to drive down to see the mountains." I needed a natural landscape and, since we lived in the city, it was an half an hour drive to anything that wasn't built artificially.
Mom frowned, glancing at the clock. "I'm too pregnant to drive honey. If you wait another two hours, your dad will be home from his business trip and he can take you down there."
"No," I complained. "That's too long. We have to go now."
She frowned. "Will..."
I started to whine.
"Okay, okay," she mumbled. She headed towards the stairs. "Jed!" she called. "Jed!"
After a beat, the sound of heavy footfalls answered. A second later, my rumpled looking older brother stood at the top of the stairs. His hair was dishevelled and there was stubble growing on his face. He hadn't ventured out of his room for the last few days since his team had won the football game on Friday. Mom had let him skip school yesterday, and lied to the office ladies, telling them that he was ill.
It was weird, but the last few days his girlfriendâa blonde cheerleader named Aubrey who always brought me and James cookiesâhadn't been coming over .
"Jed, honey, could you drive us to the mountains? Will needs to draw something for school."
Jed grunted out a sure. He muttered something about shoes before disappearing down the hall.
I clambered off my chair, grabbing my sketchbook and pencils. I pulled on a pair of sneakers as mom texted someone on her phone.
"It looks like Helen isn't free to watch James," she sighed. "I guess you're coming with us little cutie," she grinned, poking James's cheek.
James laughed and grabbed her finger.
I stood by the door, waiting impatiently. It would be dark soon and then I wouldn't be able to draw anything.
Jed stumbled down the stairs a few minutes later. He swept up the keys from a side table and brushed past me as he strode out. I wrinkled my nose. He smelt gross. Usually he was drowned in cologne, but today he stunk.
As we flooded into the carâmom and Jed at the front, me and James at the backâI glanced at the house.
I could have waited two hours. Or gone to the park. Or just drawn something from my habitat book.
I could have. But I didn't. And I would regret that for the rest of my life.
As we drove, mom fiddled with the radio, finally settling on a channel spewing out 80s music. She sang along, dancing a little.
Jed didn't sing with her like he usually did. He was slumped in his seat. Every few seconds, he blinked and a scrubbed a trembling hand over his bloodshot eyes.
Mom's phone, which James had been playing with, slipped out of James's grasp. He crawled off his seat, his little arms scrambling under the chair in front of him to retrieve it.
Mom blinked rapidly as she glanced back, realising for the first time that he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Mom always forgot to recite the 'remember your seatbelt' rule. Dad was the practical one, the one who encouraged us to do our homework and wear our seatbelts. Mom was a bit scatter brained.
"James, sweetheart, can you put on your seatbelt please?"
James sat up on the floor, staring at her. A mischievous grin stretched over his face. He'd found a new game.
"James, honey, please. I'll buy you ice cream when we get home, okay? Just put on your seatbelt."
James giggled and reached over, his tiny hands slapping my leg and pointing to mom.
"Stop it James," I grumbled. "I don't want to play."
I turned to stare out the window. The sun glinted against the garnet green trees that formed the right border of the hillside road. But the sun would sink soon, and then how would I finish my drawing? Impatience made my feet tap against the floor of the car.
"Jamesâ" Mom squealed as the car swerved sharply. Her fingers jumped to her stomach. Her brows furrowed, her expression concerned as she glanced over at Jed. "Are you alright sweetie?"
His eyelids fluttered. "Sure, ma."
I frowned: his words were slurred.
Mom didn't notice. She grimaced as she pressed her fingers to her stomach. "The baby's kicking again." She shot a grin at us. "She's going to be a fighter this one. Shake up my house full of boys." Her face cleared as she seemed to remember what she'd been doing before. She glanced back at us. "James, put on your seatbelt honey."
Happy to regain her attention, he grinned and shook his head, remaining sat on the floor.
Mom's brows furrowed. She glanced at me. "Little help here sweetheart?"
Irritation was still building up inside me.
Something was wrong.
I shoved the feeling down. No, I was upset because we were going to be late to my perfect spot where I could draw the perfect landscape and win the class prize. Then mom and dad would be proud of me and I could apologise for being so mean today.
Mom sighed. "Okey-dokey then," she muttered. She undid her own belt and reached around the seat.
James scrambled away from her hands.
"Don't be naughty James," she said. "Come here. Pleâ"
The sound of a truck's horn tore through the air.
The world slowed.
I would remember every detail of those next few seconds.
James was still on the floor, legs sprawled beneath mom's seat. Mom's hands were so close to James, but not quite there. Jed was slumped over the wheel, his skin pale and covered in sweat. But what I remembered most was my mother. In slow motion, I watched her turn her head towards the windshield, her dark brown hair tumbling wildly around her shoulders. Her eyes widened ever so slightly as her gaze met the grill of the truck. There was one last millisecond where her arms wrapped around her stomach, a last effort to protect our little sister.
One millisecond.
Then the world ended.
*
"There was a court case," I whispered, my voice hoarse. "My...Jed, they found out he'dâhe'd taken pills, and he'd been drinking. My father...After..." I choked on the words. "After the baby..." I couldn't say it.
I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again.
"The baby, Isabella," I whispered, "she died." The words strangled me. "When it came to emotions, my dad was the impulsive type, he got angry and forgot about the consequences. He wanted Jed to be charged with murder. And when my mother disagreed, he wanted her to be charged with negligence.
"They hired different lawyers. My mom was investigated â they wanted to know how she hadn't noticed that Jed was an addict, how she had let him behind the wheel of a car when he couldn't even speak straight. Dad used it to sue for custody of me and James." I couldn't look at Ellie. "They destroyed her in court," I whispered.
Something had changed in her after the accident. After losing Isabella. But it was court that had completely hollowed her out.
"Jed was sent to prison, then rehab. It was only when Jed was convicted that Dad realized what he had done. He'd been upset, because of Isabella. He tried to fix things with my mother, but by then it was too late. James was still in the hospital when Mom packed us up and moved me here. Dad didn't fight it. It was his way of apologizing, as if I was some sort of consolation prize after everything." My hands squeezed into fists as pain tore through my chest. "I have...There are scars on my back from when the windows shattered.
"Jed..." I tried to breathe. "He got scars on his arms. He'd woken up after the crash and tried to pull us out. But he couldn't save all of us." I paused. "Jed lost his future." A sports scholarship to a top school. He'd sustained injuries that meant it was impossible for him to ever play again.
"Mom lost the baby." I could still remember how hollow her face had looked.
"And James..." I choked on the lump in my throat. "James lost his legs."
He'd looked so small in the wheelchair, his pale legs limp. They said he'd never be able to walk again.
I covered my face with my hands, hating that she knew this about me now. Wishing I'd never said the words in the first place.
I could feel tears streaking down my face. "And none of it would have happened if I'd just gone to the park." The sick emotion filled my throat, the guilt making it difficult to breathe.
Mom and Dad had never said the words, but I knew they blamed me. I'd seen it in the way they looked at me afterwards. Jed hadn't been in his right mind, James had been too little to do anything, mom was even more scatter brained pregnant than she was normally. I knew something was wrong but I hadn't said anything. Because I was selfish and impatient and obsessed with drawing something that was so trivial.
Maybe if I had said something about Jed's strange behaviour the accident wouldn't have happened. Perhaps if I'd helped pick up James when she'd asked, Isabella would have survived. If I'd just waited two hours for Dad to come home, everything would have been fine.
My entire family had been destroyed because I didn't want to draw something out of a book.
And now, Ellie would see me as I really was.
I couldn't look at her.
Then I felt warm hands on mine, gently pulling them away from my face.
A pair of large blue eyes, wet with tears, peered up at me.
Ellie's voice was painfully soft. "Will."
Then she wrapped her arms around me.
I felt my heart pause. Then I felt as if something cracked inside. Like ice shattering.
Tears ran down my face as I hugged her back.
*
Hope you liked it!
God bless
xxx
Yemi Everest