After 3 consecutive nights at London's o2 Arena Harry's gruelling European tour was finally over. Which could only mean one thing: HOLIDAY!
"Oh god" I gasped as I followed Harry's broad shoulders. I was almost walking up his heels because although Avery wanted her Daddy to carry her she still wanted to hold my hand over his shoulder. So here I was walking as close as I could to Harry just so she could have both parents wrapped around her little finger. Strange little kid. She melted my heart.
"Not quite my private jet but it'll do, ay?" Harry smirked over his shoulder as we made our way onto the aeroplane.
"Show off" I rolled my eyes, running my thumb across Avery's tiny, soft knuckles, resting on Harry's shoulder.
"This is you here" The flight attendant smiled her Harry smile. I had began commonly referring to this kind of smile as a Harry smile. It was a smile that people brought out only when they were speaking to Harry Styles. It was their super fake, super cheesy, best smile they could manage. I assume it happened to most famous faces. People brought out their "best" personalities for someone with influence. Usually it was pretty smarmy and gave me the creeps but instead of getting pissed off by it and the way people treated Harry I decided to make fun of it.
"Thank you so much" I smiled opening my eyes as wide as possible and showing as many teeth. I heard Harry snigger as the attendant smiled oblivious to my matching fakery and headed back to the front of the plane.
"Play nice" He admonished sitting Avery down on his seat. She immediately started whining and reached up to Harry, her way of requesting to be picked back up.
"You'll make a rod for your own back if you keep spoiling her" I commented as I unloaded my back pack on to my seat which sat adjacent to Harry's. Our seats were separated by a little crib for Avery. I pulled my light cardigan back over my shoulders. It seemed in first class they kept the plane that awkward temperature that was just below comfortable.
Harry looked at me and frowned as he swung Avery on to his hip in defiance and started emptying the necessities out of his bag one handed.
I rose my eyebrows and shrugged. "You won't be saying that when she's 3 and won't walk the length of herself cause she likes it better when Daddy carries her" I mocked putting on a baby voice and wiggling my face in Avery's to make her laugh.
"You're just jealous she wants me to carry her and not you" Harry grinned setting out his phone and his MacBook while I put a blanket, some soft rattles, and her favourite bunny in Avery's cot, then started decanting my stuff from my bag.
I had never been on a plane like this before. Any time I'd flown with Harry had been on his jet. This long haul flight to the Maldives was too long and problematic to take the jet so we were slumming it with the common folk and flying first class on the biggest plane I'd ever seen. The inside was as much like a hotel as Harry's jet with low lighting and plush grey carpets. This one was at least laid out like a normal plane. There were 3 rows of seats... kind of. Each seat was contained in a pod of 2 seats with both seats facing each other. There were privacy screens separating each pod and each pod came equipped with blankets, slippers, neck pillows and charging ports for all kinds of electrical equipment. That didn't include the bar and cafe situated at the back of the plane. In was like a mini hotel on here.
And despite how much I'd been exposed to it I still didn't like it. I couldn't understand why because I'd fallen pregnant by Harry Styles I had to be treated like I was something important. It rubbed me up the wrong way that just because there was money involved, albeit not mine, that I had to be treated like I was more special than Joe Bloggs on the Easy Jet flight taking off 5 minutes earlier.
This wasn't who I was. But I just had to accept that this was how it was for me. And even more so, for my daughter. At least I had a benchmark for what normal was. I could understand that this lifestyle was privellaged. Would she? This would be her normal. As long as Harry kept playing his cards right with his music and business this could sustain her for the rest of her life. Would she grow up believing that this was how people lived and anything less than this was beneath her?
Harry might think that I was joking when I spoke about her being spoiled but I knew I would not bring a child up in this world to think that the world owed her something and that because her father had money she would expect this lifestyle.
If I could achieve anything in life it would be that my daughter didn't grow up like that.
Harry stowed our bags in the over head locker and I flicked through the movie screen in the corner of my booth. Avery lay between us in her little cot but Harry quickly scooped her out to sit on his lap. The seats around us were filling up quickly. I watched Harry as he kept his head down and his Greenbay Packers beany sat low over his brow.
I'd come to realise Harry had a "uniform" wether he was "working" or not. His outfits were usually pretty flamboyant even when we were just moving to and from airports. When he was on tour his outfits consisted of colourful wide legged trousers, garish shirts or odd coloured jumpers. When he wasn't on your his outfits mostly consisted of black or white T-shirt's, black joggers or skinny jeans and usually always a hat of some sort. When it was family time he wanted to fly as low under the radar as he could and his outfits always reflected it. That's how I knew he was dedicated to family time, he didn't want to be noticed.
As the air stewards began their safety briefing Avery immediately started to reach out for me.
"Ma ma" She started making grabby hands and reaching out Harry's lap for me.
"Oh looks like someone knows who her favourite is already" I smiled sweetly as I scooped Avery out of Harry's lap and into my own.
"Sook" He grumbled at Avery as he unhooked the lap belt from his own seatbelt and passed it to me so I could get her secured on to me.
"I went through major surgery to bring this gorgeous baby into the world. The least I should get is being her favourite while she's still too young to know better"
Harry's eyebrows knitted together in confusion as he cocked his head at me.
"You think she's old enough to realise how wonderful her dad is I'm going to get a look in?" I rolled my eyes. "This little peanut is going to wrap you round her little finger so tight and you won't even realise. You'll fall hook line and sinker and I'll be left on the outskirts, left to fend for any scraps of attention I can get" I offered dramatically, only half kidding.
Harry's features had softened and a small quirk played across his lips. "We'll just need to have another. I think you'd do well having a Mummies boy"
My eyes bugged out at Harry as he laughed at my reaction. He shook his head, giggling to himself as I sat clutching Avery to my chest, while she nestled into my arms. The restricting feeling of my throat made me think I couldn't breathe.
"Another? Please tell me you're joking?" I struggled out.
"Why?" Harry looked momentarily offended.
"One's an accident, two is deliberate" I pointed out.
Harry just shrugged offering no more on the subject then suddenly an air steward appeared checking all out seatbelts were in place for take off. And just like that the conversation was over.
*
We were 3 hours in to an 11 hour journey and Avery had finally fallen asleep. After much convincing by myself. She had cried for a bit after having her bottle and I'd hated ever second of it. But eventually she'd nodded off in her little fabric cot and it seemed like she'd stay that way for a while.
Travelling was stressful enough. Then you added a 6 month baby on top of that and the stress increases exponentially.
I knew that the sound of a crying baby was somewhat irritating to others. Add in a confined space, people trying to sleep and relax and a couple of stressed parents who just wanted their kid to sleep and babies on a plane were not enjoyable. I hated feeling like I was annoying other passengers and the feeling that people were watching me and judging me. But Harry had helped by walking up and down the aisles with her till she nodded off. Probably not the best solution with him being far more recognisable than me but his arms are substantially stronger than mine and can last a lot longer carrying Avery than I can.
Thankfully she was now asleep so I pulled my headphones out ready to start a movie while there was a chance I might make it to the end without any interruptions.
"I'm going to nip to the toilet" Harry whispered as he gracefully leaned over Avery's cot. I looked up and he placed a quick kiss on my lips and I smiled as I watched him walk away down the aisle. I'd never tire of watching the muscles in his shoulders ripple as he moved.
I loved the easy affection we had adopted. I didn't need all out make-out sessions or big public displays of affection. A little kiss. A gentle squeeze or a knowing look were enough to get me hot under the collar sometimes. I shook my head at my own ridiculous lust eyes as I concentrated on getting my wireless headphones connected to the screen in front of me.
"I just can't believe she managed to trap him" I heard a voice behind me stage whisper. I immediately froze.
"I know" Another female voice answered "What are the chances: sex with Harry Styles once and she manages to fall pregnant with his kid. Lucky bitch" My stomach fell at the realisation they were definitely talking about me. I looked behind me but with the angle of the seats I couldn't see the couple sitting behind us. Do I stand up and let them know I can hear them. Maybe they want me to hear them, because they're not exactly being subtle? If I can hear them I'm pretty sure that means the couple on the other side of them can hear. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment at the prospect more people would know they were talking about me, and hold the same opinion.
"That's if the kids even his" The first woman snorted. "I read they've never had a DNA test done. Bet it's not even his. She's taking him for a mug for as long as she can" Jesus, I felt sick, how did they know that? I didn't realise that was public knowledge. I needed to get out of here. I felt like I was going to be sick if I had to listen to any more of this. But what could I do. I couldn't leave Avery on her own and to stand up right now would admit that I could hear them. There was no denying that if you could see my sweaty, pale complexion you would know I could hear them.
"Well wouldn't you? I'd milk it for all its worth, if I was her. She's gone from being a total nobody to not having to lift a finger or spend a penny living off his money"
"I just feel sorry for him. Of all the people to get stuck with, he's stuck with her. God knows why he shagged her in the first place"
"I know, he can do so much better than that" I almost tucked myself in to the brace position as the tears began to fall.
"I mean he's dated models for fuck sake. She's nothing special"
Probably my biggest fears about my own public image laid bare for all to hear. And what hurt the most is they were right. Why was he with me? Harry was like a god amongst men and he chose me. Or did he even choose me? Was it the easiest, most uncomplicated option: stay with the mother of his child to save problems. It was probably the best option for his public image. The dedicated father was a much better image than the guy that had a one night stand and left the mother high dry with nothing but healthy child maintenance payments each month.
"Hey, hey. What's wrong?" I felt Harry surround me all at once. His hand on my back, immediately rubbing soothing circles, his other hand on my knee and his warm breath hitting the top of head as he crouched down in the confined space in front of me, wrapping himself around me as best he could.
"Nora? What is it?" He whispered again as both hands framed my face and tipped my head up to look at him. He used his thumbs to wipe away the tears as I dropped my hands into my lap helplessly.
I shook my head. "Nothing" I whispered conscious of people seeing us. The set up of the seat meant the couples in the middle of the plane and on the other side couldn't really see us unless they were walking by but I still couldn't bare the thought of the girls behind us hearing this.
"It's not nothing, Sweetheart" Harry whispered back immediately picking up on my need to keep this conversation between us. "I left a couple of minutes ago and you were getting ready to watch a film and I come back to this" his voice was gently and his green eyes, full of concern, were locked on mine. His intense gaze was hard to hide away from. It felt like he could see my innermost thoughts just by staring in to my eyes. Probably because with him there was very little I could hide. My face gave it all away.
"What happened?" He asked again shuffling his weight from one foot to the other. The confined space was not easy for him to stay hunkered down in so I stood from my chair while pulling him up to standing. I then ushered him down in to my seat and crawled on to his lap. He welcomed the change and immediately wrapped his arms around my back and my bent legs as he held me against him.
"What upset you, baby girl" He whispered, his breath fanning across my face as I tucked my head into the crook of his neck. I don't know how comfortable this was for Harry. The seats were pretty large and comfortable but he was now supporting my whole weight on his thighs alone. But his large frame wrapped around me made me feel safe.
His thumb ran small circle around my arm as he held his warm hand against my thigh. His heat and his proximity slowly easing my racing heart. "I just overheard a conversation" I sighed. Harry didn't say anything. He just waited, giving me the chance to tell him what I wanted.
"They just weren't very nice" I admitted.
"About what?" I felt him tense all around me.
"Just me" I whispered. "Our relationship. Why we're together"
Harry's voice grew stern. "Who was it?"
"Shhh. It doesn't matter" I whispered forcefully giving Harry a warning look. The last thing I needed was him confronting the women and it turning into a public fight. God, those headlines would be great!
"Ok, ok" Harry accepted. We sat in silence before he topped my chin up so I was looking at him again.
"I..." He started, his eyes full of trepidation. I could feel his chest rising and falling under my shoulder. He ran a finger over my cheek before starting again.
"I wouldn't change us for the world, you know that right?"
And in that second I did. I don't know if it was the tight hold he had on me, the confined space or the look in his eyes but I got it. It didn't matter how this thing had started and it didn't matter how we got to this place we were in, but in that second I knew I was all in with this man.