July 2019
Who knew packing for a tour could be so hard.
"How many packets of nappies do you think we'll need" I shouted through to Harry as I bounced Avery on my hip, staring in dismay at the open suitcase on our bed, half filled with Avery's crap. I surveyed the room and flinched at the mess I'd made. There were babygrows, outfits and vests strewn all over the room along with soft toys and teething rattles. How can a 4 month old need so much crap?
I'd been busy packing to leave on Harry's tour in 3 days, when Avery woke up a little earlier than expected. Which meant I was now juggling Avery while Harry and I passed each other like ships in the night, grabbing whatever we thought was important and stuffing it in to suit cases.
The problem was I'd never done this before. Not even for my self let alone myself and a tiny human.
"How many nappies do you think you need Sweetpea?" I cooed at Avery who was quite happy bouncing on my hip and chewing her fist.
"Harry?" I yelled again and Avery's tiny shoulders hunched in surprise.
"I'm sorry, Angel" I murmured into her soft wisps of chestnut hair. "But Daddies not listening and I have no freakin' clue what I'm doing here"
"A couple of packets will be enough" Harry's deep timbre came just before he entered the room, laden down with a whole load more of Avery's clothes.
"We will still have access to shops and stuff. We're going to Europe, not the Artic"
"Don't get smart with me Styles. I haven't done this before" I sighed, exasperated looking down at the suitcase in front of me. If only it would pack itself.
"I know, you're doing so well" He came up behind me and plucked Avery from my arms. "Tell Mummy she's doing so well" He cooed in his melodic falsetto.
I watched as Harry lifted her high into the air. His biceps rippling as he lifted her tiny body above his head in his worn, black t-shirt. Avery shrieked with joy as he lowered her to bop her nose with his then push her high into the air again.
The contentment was almost choking as I watched them interact. Harry's love for our little girl was seeping from him as he played with her and laughed at her little shrieks.
"Ok, that's enough fun for one afternoon, you little lady, are tired. Come on, Daddy will put you to bed while mummy finishes creating chaos with your clothes"
"Thank you" We shared a smile before he left me in peace.
*
"Harry, I'm nervous" I whisper as I glance into the back seat of Harry's Range Rover and check Avery's still asleep. Harry is wearing the same frown he has since we packed up the car and left for the airport 40 minutes ago. Tomorrow is the first day of his European tour in Basel so today we're flying to Switzerland and the frown on Harry's beautiful face is because somehow, someone has found out we're flying out today. So the word on the street, from Jeff, is there's already a small crowd gathered at the airport. And that's bothering Harry because of the little sleeping bundle in the back.
"Logistically how are we going to manage this? I'm a bit scared" I whisper the last part. I know Harry's brooding cause he's nervous. I know he doesn't want to do this with Avery but we don't have many options.
"I know you are, Sweetheart" Harry forces the frown into some sort of smile and reaches over the take my hand in his. "It's going to be fine. Jeff will meet us at the car with the security team. You take Avery and I'll be right beside you, Jeff on the other side. We'll get through it with no problems"
"How many people will be there?" I ask running my sweaty palms down my jeans. I put on a ripped pair of comfy jeans, a plain pink v-neck T-shirt and a grey hoodie and suddenly I wish I'd made more of an effort.
I glance at Harry in his oversized grey hoodie and I find the humour in it.
"What's so funny?" He smirks, side eyeing me.
"We're matching" I indicate our hoodies. "People will think we've done it deliberately."
"I didn't even notice" He smiles and squeezes my fingers in his. We sit in silence as Harry pulls into the airport and follows the different signs till he pulls up in the drop off zone. I take a deep breath as he shuts off the ignition.
"Right, just leave the luggage. Get Avery and follow me. Oh good there's Jeff" I glance out of the windscreen and see a squad of burley looking men marching towards us, headed by Jeff, who looks serious and I've never been so glad to see Jeff before.
Harry and I take a simultaneous deep breath before we each push out of the car. I head straight to the back seat for Avery and Harry heads to the pavement for Jeff. I'm vaguely aware of someone going in to the boot for our luggage.
"Come on, Sweetpea" I hush as I undo Avery's buckles and pull her from her car seat. She murmurs in her sleep before having a little stretch and going back to sleep in my arms. I pop her on my hip and she nestles in to my chest.
"All this worry for you and you don't even know" I muse quietly as I reach in for my carry on luggage which is Avery's changing bag combined with my hand luggage.
"I'll take that for you Miss Henley" A beefy looking security man offers with a tight smile as I make it to the pavement.
"Oh, Thanks" I hesitate as I give him the bag and he shuts the door behind me.
I smile in gratitde as he follows me to the group surrounding Harry. The group of men part to let me in beside Harry and Jeff.
"Ready to go?" Harry asks putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me in and placing a gentle kiss on Avery's head.
"I guess so" I shrug.
"Don't worry, Nora! We got this all under control" Jeff smiles and nods in place of a proper greeting. I would say Jeff and I are still not the best of friends but I'm still grateful that he's got this all under control.
"Thanks Jeff" I smile as the group starts moving towards the entrance.
Nerves bubble away in my stomach as I force myself to move with the group. I keep a tight grip on Avery, careful not to hold too tight. I'd rather she was asleep for this whole ordeal and I don't want to risk squeezing too tight and waking her up. Harry keeps his arms tight around my shoulders and keeps moving me along with him, Avery sandwiched between us, Jeff on my other side.
Everything runs smoothly till we get to security. I could hear the group before we even rounded the corner. My footsteps slow as I take in the group of maybe about 40 people. A mix of men with long lens cameras and girls with mobile phones held a loft to get a picture of us.
"Just keep moving" Harry whispered. I looked up at the stern expression on his face. I felt another arm on my lower back pushing me forward. I knew it was Jeff who was still tight on my other side. I focussed on putting one foot in front of the other and not the wave of nausea engulfing me and trying not to think about the group shouting my name. Harry kept glancing at Avery who was still sound asleep in my arms, possessively I wrapped my hands tighter around her. No one was close enough to touch her, the crowd was quite well contained behind a barrier with a couple of airport security beside them. Because of their shouting and screaming they were drawing a fair bit of attention from other holiday makers which was only drawing more attention to the focus of their shouting: Us.
We arrived at the front of the queue and somehow Jeff produced our boarding passes and we made it safely past security. The scrabble of voices slowly dissolved in the background.
"See? We made it unscathed" Jeff smiled down at Avery. "And they didn't even wake her up"
I let out a breath I didn't realise I'd been holding as I looked at her cuddled in to my side.
"That's the first time we've been properly pictured together" I look up at Harry who nods in confirmation.
"No denying she's mine now" Harry grins
"Shut up" I attempt to swat his stomach but the back of my hand hits a wall of muscle and it probably hurts me more than it does Harry.
*
I'm so thankful our first time taking Avery on a flight was such a short flight. I feed her at take off and she ends up sleeping through most of it. But the nerves start to settle in as we're told to take our seats for landing, Jeff tells me that there's another crowd gathered at the airport in Basel. Harry's been strangely quiet through the flight. Most of my conversations have been with Jeff as Harry sat brooding in the corner which honestly, has been pretty nice. Turns out the more time I spend in Jeff's company the more I realise he's not the bad guy I have him painted as in my head. I resolve then and there to make more of an effort with Jeff. At the end of the day he dotes on Avery and he's never mentioned the DNA test since the last time. Maybe it's time to let it go.
"You ok?" I whisper subtly as Harry and I bustle around one another trying to get our shit together once the plane has landed.
He nods once before stretching up to pull our bags from the over head lockers. His hoodie rides up just enough that I catch a glimpse of his tummy and it gives me that usual bubble of energy.
"I'll take her this time" Harry instructs as I go to lift Avery from her bassinet.
"You sure?" I ask, pulling my hoodie back on, I can already hear the rain pelting the windows of the plane, we might be nice and cosy in here but the weather is no nicer in Switzerland than it is in London despite it being July.
"Yes" He snaps. I move out the way and don't say a word as Harry bends down to pick up Avery who is now wide eyed and alert. She gives Harry one of her beautiful gummy smiles that lights up her eyes and the hearts of anyone that catches a glimpse of her. I don't say a word, allowing Harry's attitude to slide. He's clearly got something on his mind but he better tell me what it is or snap out of his funk before he speaks to me like that again.
I'm thankful there's a gangway connecting the plane to the terminal and we're sheltered from the weather for a little longer. A couple of the security guys lead the way with Harry in front of me and Jeff behind. The rest of the team follow on behind as we make our way in to Arrivals.
Basel has such a tiny airport that I can hear the gathered crowd the moment we make it through customs. We pass through a set of double doors and I can see the crowd of screaming fans all kept behind a barrier. I immediately tense and I feel Jeff's hand at the small of my back pushing me forward. I immediately search for Avery who is staring at the crowd with wide eyes. Harry adjusts her in his arms so she is shielded from their shouting.
My head is bent and my shoulders are hunched as I follow Harry, so close I'm nearly clipping his heels but I just want to get out of there as quickly as possible.
"Just keep moving" I hear Jeff mumble from behind me.
"Just keep swimming" I tell him
He quirks a brow at me in confusion as I hear Harry chuckle.
"She likes to quote movies" for the first time in a while I see a smile play across Harry's lips and I suddenly want to wrap myself in his arms, beside my daughter. It's crazy how much seeing him smile lifts my mood.
"Feels like we're in a goldfish bowl anyway so it's kinda apt" I shrug.
Jeff shakes his head and smiles. "You two are weird. Swimming or moving I don't care but can we keep doing it. Quicker we move the less they'll get pictures of Avery. Keep her tucked in like that H, they won't get a good angle"
I eye Jeff. Despite our laugh a moment ago his jaw is tight and his brows are furrowed. I thought him rushing us through the airport was for Harry's benefit. I assumed it was for the paparazzi and fans to get less photos of Harry or even me. My heart expands as I realise it's my daughter. He wants to protect her privacy and allow less photos of her.
"Her safety's my priority too" Jeff tells me as he notices me staring.
I feel my cheeks redden at being caught staring. "Thank you" I whisper.
"And yours too. Swim!" He gesticulates wildly in the direction he wants me to go and I smile as I hurriedly follow Harry out of the airport and straight into a waiting black mini bus.
Once I'm settled in my seat and the mini bus is moving Harry hands Avery to me, sensing my need to have her close to me just for a second. I sit her on my lap, holding her hands so as not to let her flop backwards. She's still mastering the art of sitting up unaided.
Harry and I are sitting on the bank of 3 seats at the front of the bus. He's sitting closest to the window while I'm out on the aisle seat and although it's only a chair width that separates us it feels like a chasm. His arms are folded as he stairs out the window. It's just as well the windows are blacked out or everyone on the motorway would get a good look at a brooding Harry Styles. His tour starts tomorrow, he should be buzzing with excitement, instead he's in a funk and I have no idea why. Maybe he's always like this before tour? Even I'm not sure I believe that.
"We should get to the hotel at lunch time then you have soundcheck at 2 then we need to be back at the venue for 8" Jeff pipes up from the chairs behind.
Harry nods to acknowledge he's heard Jeff but seeing as Jeff can't really see him it's ineffectual. I turn and eye Jeff through the gap in the headrest and he catches my eye and rolls his eyes shaking his head.
I frown at Harry before fixing my attention back on the bundle of cuteness in my lap. I understand something is on his mind but he doesn't need to be ignorant. Idiot.
Luckily it seems no one has found out where we're staying because the pavement outside the hotel is empty. But even so we dart from the mini bus and into the hotel once Jeff gives us the all clear that we're checked in and he has our room keys.
The hotel sits across from a massive river and if my High School History lessons are anything to go by I'd guess it would be the river Rhein. The building is impressive from the outside, with its cream stone and arched windows but it's something else entirely when we step inside. The decor is very traditional, with large stone arch way's and a warm marble flooring. We make our way to the elevator where a young man, in a smart uniform, complete with a maroon velvet jacket is waiting to take us to our room.
I adjust Avery on my hip, I had stressed that this part of the journey would be the hardest for her, she'd either be over tired from not sleeping on the plane or she'd be bored from all the ferrying about but my little angel seems content to watch all the action from the comfort of my arms. We stand in silence as the elevator ascends to the second top floor where Jeff is let out. He tells Harry he'll give him a call when he's ready to leave for rehearsal, he gives Avery an affectionate rub on the cheek and then leaves us to travel up another floor to the top. The bellboy types in a code on the button panel before the doors slide open.
The doors open straight into our suite, Harry tips the bellboy then the doors slide closed and he disappears.
"Does that mean anyone with a code can just come in to our room? I've always wondered how that works" I muse out loud while looking around the large space. This room is slightly at odds with the rest of the hotel, while it still screams opulence, the decor is more modern. The walls are painted a simple off white and the Velux windows in the ceiling let in barrels of light.
The items of furniture are still pretty old fashioned, the couches have dark wooden arms but the plush cushions are heavily patterned in dark velvet. The coffee table looks heavier than anything you could buy from IKEA.
"Yeah I suppose so" Harry shrugs as he begins unpacking Avery's hand luggage in the open plan kitchen. I move towards the floor to ceiling windows running along one wall that faces out on to the river.
"And that doesn't bother you, that someone could just walk in to our room at any time?"
"It would be a breach of privacy. They're paid handsomely not to"
"Are they paid handsomely to wear that uniform?" I joke "That poor guy must be sweating under that massive jacket stuck inside a lift, punching in numbers all day. I've never understood the need for that, surely that's a waste of money. I could just type in my own floor?"
Harry barely registers that I've even spoken as he starts moving our cases in to the bedroom.
I follow him, Avery still in my arms, and notice the cot set up beside the massive bay window. Odd place for it.
"Ok, out with it Styles" I sigh, perching myself against the side of the wooden cot. Of course a hotel like this wouldn't just supply with a flimsy travel cot. I peek over my shoulder and see the cosy looking blankets inside the cots. At this point I promise never to ask what any of these hotels cost per night, I'm pretty sure it would make me sick.
"Hmmmm?" He looks up blankly, he pauses from taking Avery's stuff out of her case.
"You're in a mood. What's wrong?" I really need to feed Avery but she's incredibly sleepy in my arms so I chance it and place her inside the cot. Harry comes and adds in her favourite bunny and she just stares up at us.
I move to sit on the bottom of the massive bed, perching my feet on a trunk that's lying at the foot of the bed. I pull my knees to my chest and lean over to pull the trunk open, convinced I'll find Harry Potters dress robes and his potions book, instead it's full of blankets and bedding. Disappointing.
"I'm not in a mood, I'm fine" He shrugged casually. He popped his head over Avery's cot. "Asleep" He mumbled then came to sit on the edge of the bed. Immediately I found it odd that he wanted to sit on the side rather than sit beside me.
Even under his baggy hoody I can see his shoulders are tight, this isn't that stature of a man that's 'fine'.
"Ok, fair enough" I watch as he throws a glance over his shoulder. I catch his eye and he holds my gaze.
"I mean, you can lie to me if you want. Or you could just tell me what's eating you and get it out in the open" a bit of reverse physiology never did anyone any harm, I decided.
"Your choice" I shrugged and flopped back down on the massive bed. After a second I heard him sigh and the mattress dipped as he lay down, his mop of messy curls was now lying beside me. We both kept looking straight up at the ceiling, our heads lying together.
"I just didn't imagine it would be this difficult" His voice is barely above a whisper which could be because Avery's asleep or it could be he always whispers when he opens up about stuff like this. It's like he doesn't want the world to hear him being insecure.
"What would be this difficult?"
"Having you two here"
My heart sank at his words and I tried my best not to be offended but it was difficult. "What? You'd rather we weren't here?"
"No. Because the alternative is you both still being at home and I like that scenario even less. I don't think I could be away from Avery for that long." his words did little too soothe the hurt he'd already caused. But even if I was hurt by his words I wouldn't stop trying to get to the bottom of his unhappiness.
"So what exactly is making you unhappy?"
He paused for so long I thought he might not answer me. But eventually he sighed "I just hate this feeling of being out of control. Walking through that airport today was horrendous. All I could think is at any point someone could jump out of that crowd and grab you while you're carrying my daughter and there's that many people there there would be nothing I could do about it."
I didn't really know how to respond, this whole sitatuion was so new to me I didn't know how to help him. However it seemed I didn't need to because he was happy to offer more insight.
"I hate feeling like I'm not in control especially when it comes to my family. Usually it's just me and a load of crew and management and people I don't need to worry about. It's difficult when it's you"
I reached out my hand but it was far to short to reach all the way to Harry's hand so I tugged on his bicep and he cottoned on to what I wanted and he shifted his hand across the bed so I could link my fingers with his.
I gave a gentle squeeze before I asked "What can I do to help you feel more in control then?"
We were still sitting at a ninety degree angle from one another staring up at the ceiling.
"I don't know" He shrugged casually.
"Bullshit, you've been stewing about this for the last 3 hours at least, I've been watching you. I know you, you've came up with a solution you just don't want to tell me" I rolled on to my side so I could see him better.
"How do you know that shit?" He angled his head so he was now looking at me.
"I know you, H. Just spit it out"
"I think it might be easier if we travel separately. Try and not be seen together, that'll dampen everyone's need to be there at the airport and stuff if they know we won't be there together"
"I don't quite get what you mean." I'd never been physically punched but right then I understood what it felt like to be punched in the gut. I don't know why his words gutted me so much. I think in the most basic way, him telling me he didn't want to be seen out with me meant he was embarrassed by me.
"I just think if you lay low and we're not seen out together they'll lose interest and you won't have to put up with that" He stopped making eye contact and I gently pulled my fingers from his.
"So you don't want Avery and I to come to the venue?" I knew I wasn't doing a good job of hiding the hurt from my voice.
"Well do you really want to? It'll be loud and busy, not exactly the best place for a baby." The condescending tone of Harry's voice made me want to punch him in his stupid face but I knew that wouldn't solve much. I wasn't usually such a violent person but god he was infuriating. I pushed myself up to sitting and I could feel Harry doing the same.
"What do you think I bought those dinky, little ear defenders for? Why the fuck do you think I'm here if I didn't want her to see her Daddy up on stage. I mean if you want us to stay in the hotel all day every day what was the fucking point in us coming Harry? I'm not living like a fucking prisoner just so the world doesn't see us."
"Shhhh Nora, you'll wake her up" Harry's eyes darted to Avery who was still sound asleep.
"Oh you know what Harry, take a flying fuck to yourself" and I stormed straight out the bedroom door. I'd find better things to do with my time than sit and listen to him tell us he didn't want us around.
"Nora, stop overreacting. You're not getting what I mean" Harry followed me in to the living area and for once I wished he hadn't. I couldn't be bothered arguing with him.
"Please explain then Harry cause right now it seems like you want to keep this nice little set up we've got here, inside four walls and not let us seep out into the real world" I huffed spinning to face him, my arms crossed over my chest cause that seemed better than balling them into fists at my side.
I watched Harry as he began to pace like a caged animal ready to erupt.
"Cause if that shit becomes your 'normal' you'll fucking leave"
My arms flopped to my side, I didn't have the rage to keep them up anymore. "You think I'll leave? You think so little of me that I'll throw the towel in cause there's some folk hanging around an airport? Wow, cheers Harry, high expectations you've got of me" I laughed sarcastically before chucking myself on to the couch in a huff.
"It's not that I think so little of you but why would you stay? Who would put up with that every time they tried to go anywhere, what is worth that hassle?"
"Me, Harry ! I'd stay" I cried in exasperation as he stood beside the arm of the opposite couch looking awkward as hell. Like he didn't know what to do with his big lanky frame.
"But why though?"
"Because... ugghhh" I huffed in exasperation, when I stepped on that goddamn plane this morning I didn't think this was where my day was going.
"Because I see you"
His brow furrowed in confusion. I push myself off the couch and go to stand in front of him and place my hands on his arms crossing his chest.
"Because I don't see the Harry Styles you portray to the world. I don't see the mysterious, slightly cocky guy with the big ol' chip on his shoulder. I get to see Harry. This amazing, fun, kind, generous, entertaining, charming man. The one that shakes the hand of everyone in the room when he walks in and the cameras aren't rolling. The one that comes in from a long day at the studio and still goes to make me a cup of tea cause no one makes it like you do, the one who's been by my side, no questions asked since the moment I dropped the bombshell that he was going to be a dad. The one that would do anything for his daughter and worships her just as much as I do. I worried, at best, we'd have an awkward, stilted relationship and the only correspondence we'd have would be on a Friday when I dropped my daughter with you every other weekend where I'd spend all weekend worrying. Instead you're my partner. We're a team, we do this together and I wouldn't want to do this with any other person. You've opened your home and your heart to me and you've made this the greatest experience for me. And yeah, I don't love being screamed at in an airport while I'm holding my daughter, but I'd be fucking naive if I didn't think that's what I signed up for when I told you we'd do this" I finally stopped to wipe the tear that was now falling down Harry's cheek with my thumb as I cradled his face in my palm.
"I'm in this... no, we're in this for the long haul Harry. Avery and I won't go anywhere without you"
"Thank you" Came his soft whisper before he leant forward and placed his soft lips against my own.