My first kiss was a clumsy affair. It wasn't anything special. A wet smooch behind the P.E block between classes in my first year at high school. The boys name was Connor and I had crushed on him for ages. I think, through childhood gossip, he had been told I liked him, so when walking between classes he pulled me behind the building and kissed me. It was strange and I don't remember very many details. His lips were on mine, there were tongues involved and it was over. Then he never spoke to me again. Nothing to write home about.
I didn't kiss another boy for a long time after that. Until I was almost 16. His name was Jason Duncan. That was another messy affair at a school disco. Never to be repeated.
I then had a few boyfriends through high school, after high school I began dating. A few idiots, a few decent guys then 2 serious boyfriends through university.
But none of those kisses compared to Harry Styles. Not one of those kisses made me feel the way Harry does right now.
It was as if he consumed me. I could concentrate on nothing but him. The feel of him. His hands as the moved across my waist and round my back. His hard, muscular body pressed against me. The smell of his dark, woodsy cologne. The sound of his mouth moving against mine and the sound of his soft groans were all I could hear.
It was as if someone had lit me on fire from within. Like someone had set fire to my soul. I craved him so badly. Every touch wasn't enough, every kiss wasn't enough, I wanted more. I needed more.
My fingers caressed the hair at the bottom of his neck as he held my tight to his body. His growing hard-on becoming more and more apparent. All it did was spur me on to push myself closer to him. Like I couldn't get close enough.
I almost forgot we were standing in the middle of the street till his kisses softened and I heard footsteps approaching. We both stilled. Unable to pull away from each other just yet. I opened my eyes to see Harry watching me, the heat in his eyes made me gasp. But he looked wary. Like he wasn't sure how to react to our outburst. The footsteps grew louder until a shadow passed us and they began to retreat. Whoever it was wasn't paying any attention to us. To any passer by we probably looked like two horny adults that couldn't keep their hands of each other. To an extent we were. But we were also so much more.
"We should get back" Harry whispered, those green eyes still fixed on me his breathing slowly going back to normal.
I nodded unable to find my voice. He was gentle as he loosened his grip on me, to stand me up straight. Ever the gentleman, he opened the passenger door to allow me in to the car.
"Soo..." He started before turning on the ignition and pulling out into the empty street.
I couldn't help but notice how perfect his lips looked when they were slightly pinker and puffier than usual. Instinctively my hand went to my own lips. They felt bruised from Harry's assault. And suddenly I missed the feel of his lips on mine.
"Soo.." I repeat, slightly mocking his awkward conversation starter. "Can we go for a McDonalds?"
"You want a McDonald's?" He glances over, a smile creeping over his face.
"I've not had one in ages and it's still early. Seems a waste to go back to normality just yet"
"I could take you anywhere in the world, you could eat in any of the best restaurants London has to offer... and you just want a McDonalds?"
I shrug casually and pout. "I'm craving a double cheeseburger"
"Craving? You're not pregnant again are you?" His eyes alight with mirth.
"We'd need to have sex again for that to happen, Harry"
His eyes shoot to me before turning back to the road.
"Why are you smiling like that?" I ask as I watch the dimple pop. He shakes his head but doesn't answer. My blood heats at the look in his eyes, it warms my bones to see such unbridled joy on his face.
"Tell me what's made you smile like that?" I plead
He shakes his head again but this time he tells me: "You. You make me smile like this."
*
"Oh Harry, that's good" I mumble
"I knew I'd have you moaning my name before the night was over" Harry smirks
"Oh shut up, you pig" I pick up a chip and through it at his smug face as I use a napkin to wipe the excess ketchup and mustard from my face.
I'm not entirely sure where we are but I get the feeling Harry picked this McDonalds specifically, like he's been here before because even on a Saturday night the place is dead. I take a sip from my milkshake.
"Let me dip a chip in, will you?" Harry lifts one of his chips and indicates my milkshake.
"Piss off! Get your own milkshake" I pull my cup closer to my side of the table, protecting it from Harry and his chips.
"Don't be all judgey, you have the worst taste ever. Remember the amount of crisps and Tomato Ketchup sandwiches I made you while you were pregnant. You can't judge anyone. Just let me dip one chip in your milkshake" The memory of Harry in my tiny kitchen in the flat, bowing to my every odd request and making whatever weird concoction I craved without complaining brings a smile to my face.
"Au contraire mon ami, I have no issue with dipping chips in milkshake" I point one of my own chips at him to get my point across. "I just don't want you ruining my milkshake with your salty chips when I'm not finished. Seeing as I'm such a cheap date surely you can afford to get your own milkshake?"
Harry huffs as he stands from the small table for two and makes his way back up to the counter. I watch as he weaves through the tables. He immediately smiles at the girl behind the counter as he orders his milkshake. It's just his usual friendly smile but I have a strong urge to chase him and wrap my arms possessively around his chest. Like he belongs to me. So she knows he's not up for grabs. He belongs to me. Even though he doesn't. Why do I want to possess something that doesn't even belong to me? I can't claim him. He can flirt with whoever he wants.
I look away as I feel my mood dip. My overthinking has resulted in me ruining the little high I was on. The high I always get from spending time with Harry. It's his infectious personality. I can't help but feel bouyant when I'm with him and I've ruined it for myself. I don't even register his footsteps as he comes back to the table until another cheeseburger is tossed in front of me. He grins as he sits down.
"What's this for?" I feel my heart lift as I pick up the burger and the scent almost causes me to salivate. God I'm like some sort of animal controlled by food. My momentary slump is totally forgotten for this cheeseburger.
"You practically inhaled the first one, I guessed you'd want another" Harry smirks as he takes a long drag from the straw of his newly acquired strawberry milkshake.
"Thanks" I smile as I unwrap the burger.
"Anything for you sweetheart"
*
"Shhh, your babies asleep" Harry giggled as he tried to quietly put his key in the lock. I don't know why we were trying so hard to be quiet when it wasn't even that late. It was still before midnight at least. And the way we were carrying on Anne was going to suspect we were wasted when in actual fact I'd had one drink at the party and Harry was stone cold sober, we just couldn't stop laughing at each other.
We'd left McDonald's before we'd ended up in a food fight which stemmed from Harry attempting to throw chips into my empty milkshake cup which resulted in him just throwing chips at me. The journey home had consisted of us doing anything we could think of to make the other laugh. From Harry doing the worst Scottish accent I'd ever heard to me hanging my feet out the window because my toes were warm which Harry seemed to find hilarious. God, Anne was going to think we were so pissed.
"You shhhh, your babies asleep" I laughed leaning into his side trying to fit my own key in the lock. Which then turned into a fight to see who could get their key in and the door unlocked.
"Ha" I yelled triumphantly as I won the race and the door swung open. We were met with a stern looking Anne who stood on the other side of the door with her arms folded.
"What is wrong with you two? Your daughters asleep!" If it wasn't for the twinkle in her eye I'm sure I'd be kind of afraid of her right now.
"Sorry" Harry tried to keep a straight face as he straightened up and held my elbow as helped me over the threshold. "It was all Nora's fault" his voice sounded serious but the grin on his face gave him away.
"It was not! It was yours!" I threw my hands to my hips in defiance, trying my hardest to keep my brows furrowed at him.
"Oh stop it the pair of you" Anne laughed, wrapping her dressing gown tighter around her. "You'll be happy to know Avery was as good as gold and has been asleep all night. She's asleep in the nursery and I have the monitor in the spare room with me. I'll get her if she wakes during the night and give you guys a full night sleep. Please keep the noise down" She added as she turned to make her way back up the stairs.
After she was safely up the stairs Harry smiled at me then made his way into the living room.
"God, I need to pump" I whined as I followed him.
"Jeez Nora, you don't have to announce it to the world, you could just let one go and I'd probably be none the wiser"
I glared at him.
"Unless it was smelly. Then I'd know about it" He chuckled to himself.
"You're a pig" I huffed throwing a cushion at him as he threw himself on to the couch. His large frame should make his movements awkward but instead he had more grace than anyone I knew. He knew how to carry that muscular frame of his.
"I meant my breasts" I waved in the general direction of my chest as my eyes scanned the room for my breast pump.
"Oh, I know" I caught Harry's and his voice had gone from light and playful to dark and mysterious in less than a second. His eyes were heated as he watched me cross the room, finally locating the pump.
"Creep" I mumbled loud enough for him to hear as I started to unpack the kit from its box. I looked up to see the fiery look in his eyes replaced with light again, his lips upturned in a beautiful smirk.
"Make yourself useful and get me a change of clothes, would you? I don't fancy pumping in this dress" I looked down at the high neck.
"Yes, boss" He gave me a mock salute as he lazily pushed himself off the couch and disappeared from the room. I went in to the kitchen to retrieve the other parts of the breast pump and I came back to Harry with a pile of clothes.
"Thank you" I smiled as I hesitated. I didn't mind getting changed in front of Harry, we'd done it plenty of times in the past couple of months as we both got ready for bed in the same room. And god knows he'd seen me in some pretty rough states after Avery birth but I was embarrassed to pull of this dress and him see the amount of Spanx it took to help me look this way in this dress.
As if he sensed my hesitation he strutted retreating out the room again "I'll grab some water"
As soon as he left I raced to get the dress off and whatever Harry had brought me to wear, on before he returned. I relished the sense of relieve when I pulled the Spanx pants off that had been up to my rib cage. I quickly swapped my bra for a nursing bra and the relief was immense. I'm just glad I don't have to get dressed up like that very often. I'm much happier like this. I find a bobble perched on the side of the couch and tie my hair up in a messy bun.
"More food?" I exclaim as Harry eventually comes back in to the room once I've hooked up to my machine. The familiar vibrating letting me know it's doing its job and giving me that much needed relief before bed. "We just had a McDonald's"
"I know, but you get hungry when you pump, I just thought..." Harry trails off as his eyes quickly pass over my chest. I try to cover up as much as possible but sometimes there's no hiding what I'm doing, I have a muslin cloth covering my chest but it's pretty obvious I have my boob out under the very light blanket. Harry tried is hardest not to watch as he sits himself down beside me on the couch.
"I know but I just ate more than enough burgers, are you trying to fatten me up? Is this what's happening here? You're a feeder!" I accuse, laughing to break the momentary awkwardness.
"Guilty" Harry grins holding his hands up in surrender. "You've lost too much weight. I liked it when you were pregnant and were all squishy and cuddly" His fingers nip at my waist and I jump in surprise. I blush as I look down at my waist, where his fingers just were and quickly try to adjust the hem of my top to cover the slither of skin that was on show.
I look up to see Harry frowning at me. "Don't feel like you have to cover yourself up in front of me" I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end but I can't look away from Harry's hooded gaze. "Your body has done wonders, and given me the greatest gift ever, don't think you need to cover it up. If you'd let me I'd worship your body from sun up to sun down."
My breath stills as he watches my reaction.
"Thank you" I whisper, my voice too tight to come out as anything else.
Suddenly Harry goes awfully quiet and barely says anything till I finish pumping. He helps me put the milk in the fridge and tidy up. Quietly we get changed for bed, I spend an awkward amount of time in the bathroom taking my make up off to avoid going back into the bedroom. I hate it when things verge into the awkward territory with us. And I know it's partly my fault for burying my head in the sand and never defining the parameters of our relationship but I'm too scared. Scared he doesn't feel anything for me. Scared that he can't see a future between us. Scared that I could never really belong in his world because I hate Spanx and would much prefer to spend my time with him and Avery hauled up on the couch.
Eventually I drag my ass out of the bathroom to find Harry sitting up in bed, the lamp on his bedside table the only source of light which is casting delicious shadows over his 8 pack, because how could Harry, the over-achiever, settle for 6?
"We need to talk" He blurts out as I cross the room.
Shit. Instead of getting in beside him I sit down facing him, on my side on top of the covers. This feel safer.
"Ok..." I watch him as he avoids looking my way which is no mean feat when I'm almost sitting directly in front of him.
"So Jeff's been finalising plans for tour and we need to decide what dates you want to come to... if any, so we can organise accommodation and travel and stuff. The first leg of the tour is just the UK, Ireland and Europe so the London dates will be easy enough if you wanted to bring Avery to them but if... I thought you'd maybe want to come to the Glasgow date? Maybe invite your family and some friends if you wanted. I've got some days free either side of Glasgow so we could spend a bit of time up there if you wanted..." Harry continued to babble a whole lot of nonsense and my heart expanded in size as it filled with affection. He was nervous. I'd grown so intune with his emotions it was quite easy to see.
I cut him off before he ran out of steam to continue his rambling. "I thought you said we were coming to everything?"
His nervous gaze looks up from his own fingers to meet my gaze. He looks puzzled.
"That meeting you had with Jeff before Avery was born, you said we'd need to come on tour. Do you not want us to come anymore?"
"I do" Harry's eyes go wide. "I just thought... I mean it's a lot to ask of you. Being on the road is tough"
"And you think I can't hack it?" I taunt. I'm totally not letting him dig his way out this hole for a minute.
"No, I just thought..."
"You just thought I wouldn't follow you to the ends of the earth?" His eyes spark and I know my words are working.
"I don't imagine it'll be easy, especially with a baby but I've never done it without one so I won't know any different. And if you think for a second I'd voluntarily keep your daughter away from you just because you've got to fly all over the world showing everyone how amazing you are, you're stupidly mistaken Harry Styles. You're worth it."
Before I can catch a breath from my speech Harry's launched himself at me and has wrestled me on to my back. His arms wrapped around me and his nestled into my neck.
"Thank you" I feel him sigh against my skin.
"Anything for you sweetheart" I chuckle as I feel his arms tighten around me. I could lie like this forever.