"I'll get her" Harry mumbled, tossing the cover back over me and getting out his own side. Being on autopilot, when Avery had started stirring this morning I'd automatically thrown the covers back without even opening my eyes. But at Harry's offer, I kept my eyes closed and pulled the warm quilt back up around my ears. I couldn't resist though and opened one eye, just enough to see a fuzzy Harry bend into the crib and pick up Avery his floppy hair falling forward over his eyes. He cradled her into his bare chest as he kissed the top of her head.
Our sleeping arrangements had never really been a subject for discussion. The moment we came home from the hospital I took up residence in Harry's bed. It made sense while I was recovering from my section that he be as close as he could. In the first few weeks home he had to help me with every night feed because I couldn't lift her in and out her cot without being in pain. At 8 weeks post-partum I was pretty much healed on the outside now but neither of us wanted to rock the boat. I think we were both enjoying sharing the night feeds, Harry getting up to change her while I got myself ready to feed, it helped him feel involved and I think it helped him feel like we were a normal family unit. I assumed he'd change his tune when he went back to work and had to get up at 7am for meetings or flights, he might value his sleep more then, but until then I'd take this arrangement.
"Go back to sleep" His early morning voice was deeper and more gravely than usual and it was by far the second sexiest sound that came out of his mouth, trumped only by his singing voice and now that he spent a high portion of his time signing to our daughter, I was becoming very familiar with his beautiful singing voice.
I snapped my eyes shut and grinned as I realised he was talking to me.
"Yes, Boss" I gave a lame salute and pulled the covers tighter around me and nestled into the warm bed, surrounded by Harry's scent.
I must have quickly fell back asleep because the next thing I knew I was waking up in agony. I looked at the bright light poking in from the edge of the curtain and I guess it was significantly later. I'd missed a feed and my boobs were like rocks, I blindly searched around the bed for my phone but I couldn't find it.
"Jesus" I winced as I gently sat up and looked at my chest. My boobs were like boulders, large and firm and bloody sore. I didn't even know the time but I knew I'd missed at least one feed which meant the milk was just sitting in my boobs, waiting to go, making them about 3 sizes bigger than they usually were and rock solid.
After visiting the bathroom I gingerly made my way down stairs, careful not to touch my chest. I needed to find my daughter and hope to god she was due a feed. When I opened the door to the living room I found Harry lying on the couch, his chest still bare in only his plaid pyjama pants as he sat with Avery on his stomach lying back against his bent knees.
"Look Ave's there's mummy, say good morn..." But his voice faded away as he finally turned to look at me.
In hindsight I probably should have worn something to cover myself up. At 8 weeks post birth my body was slowly venturing back to its pre-baby size. My stomach was still a lot squishier than it had been and I was definitely carrying a little more weight around my hips, but breastfeeding and all the water I was drinking was definitely helping me 'bounce back'. I hadn't thought to chuck a jumper or a cardigan over my black nursing vest and as Harry's eyes travelled down my bare legs I felt like I should have swapped my black pyjama shorts for at least a pair of sweatpants.
"Eyes up here big guy" I chastised Harry as his eyes continued to wonder the length of my legs.
He blinked and shook his head slightly. "Sorry, but your tits look..." His eyes widened again.
"Yes, massive. I know, please tell me she's due a feed. I'm about to explode here"
"They're amazing" He said in wonderment and his unhindered appreciation gave me a little buzz. After feeling nothing but frumpy for the past 2 months since Avery was born it was nice to feel appreciated, even if his ogling was verging on pervy right now.
"How come they're so big?" He asked his eyes like saucers.
"Because I missed a feed! Does our daughter need fed Harry?" I clicked my fingers in front of his face in the hope he might actually answer me.
"Shit, yes, sorry. She's due fed in 10 minutes"
"Thank Christ" Avery looked up at the sound of my exclamation and gurgled at me and if I could bottle that feeling, that feeling of that boundless love, I'd sell it and make a pretty penny.
"I know sweetheart" I cooed, moving to Harry's side so I could better see my baby. "Mummy's going to feed you super soon, or else she might actually burst"
I heard Harry snicker as he moved to lift Avery off his lap. "I'll change her, let you get yourself sorted without me..."
"Without you ogling me?" I smirked as Harry made his way to the door.
"I can't help it" He grinned back at me, his eyes zoning in on my chest before lifting to my eyes "They look phenomenal!"
My blood heated at his gaze. He smirked before leaving the room.
*
"Is that better?"
I wish Harry would wipe that stupid smirk off his face. Avery had been fed, she was now asleep, I'd been for a very relaxing shower, I was now dressed, my boobs were back to their normal size and Harry still kept that shit eating grin on his face. I was slightly disappointed to see he'd also gotten dressed while I was in the shower. Today he had opted for a simple grey T-shirt and black skinny jeans, one of my favourite looks on him.
"Mmmm?" He asked again, breaking me from my day dream.
"Yes, much. Thank you" I answered sarcastically which only elicited another grin from him. As I stood in the doorway of the living room his eyes finally took in what I was wearing. The grey nursing dress was probably the most dressed up I'd been since Avery was born and it felt nice. Nice to not feel like a milking machine, nice to not feel frumpy, nice to feel desireable.
"I think we should go out for lunch" Harry declared as he looked down at the phone in his hand.
"What, us three?" I was a bit bewildered by Harry's sudden suggestion seeing as we hadn't left the house together in daylight since before Avery was born. My life had consisted of late night Tesco trips on my own, and everyone coming to Harry's to visit. I'd barely left the house and to be honest an outing sounded nice. But being seen out, together, in daylight with Avery just sounded like a recipe for disaster. No doubt someone would spot us, wither it be Paparrazzi or fans. There would be pictures, which would eventually surface online and I didn't fancy Harry the-storm-cloud Styles to make an appearance again so soon after the last time.
"Or we could invite our parents? See if Gemma and Michael are around?" He attempted a casual shrug but the tight muscles along his shoulders gave him away. He was nervous. "Your parents will be going home soon, I thought it might be nice to do something as a family before they go?"
"A family?" I swallowed past the sudden lump in my throat. My body may be going back to normal but my raging hormones certainly were not. He didn't answer me, instead he watched me intently, gaging my reaction to his words.
"Are you sure? All of us, together, will surely draw a lot of attention..."
"Probably" This time his shrug really was casual. Which irritated me more than it should.
"And that's it? The first picture of Avery drops, which is barely even a picture of her, it's you and a pram, and you become a total dick and now suddenly you want a big happy, clappy family outing for all the world to see? I don't get it" My hands found their way to my hips and I'm coming across as angrier than I mean to but his mood swings are giving me whiplash.
"I just thought..." He trails off and his hand runs up the back of his scalp.
"You just thought what Harry? That we'll go out for lunch, some twat will take a picture of us, it'll end up all over social media tomorrow and you'll spend the next few days in a bad mood because the world wanted to see what you refuse to show them"
"What I refuse to show them? What am I refusing to show them exactly?"
"I don't know, Avery? Me? Us? I don't know" I stumble over my words wishing I'd never started this. His bright green eyes have gone dark and fiery. He looks pissed. He pushes himself off the couch so we're now both standing in the middle of the living room.
"What, you want your picture plastered over the front of every newspaper? Is that what you want? For strangers to retweet pictures of our baby all over the internet? For likes on Instagram? Is that what you're in this for?"
I don't know how it happened because I've never hit someone before in my life but somehow my palm connects with his cheek and even I'm startled by the slap.
"How dare you." I spit "How dare you imply that's what I'm after you arrogant, fucking, arsehole" I turn to leave the room before I say or do something I regret. Like pull his fucking hair from his head. I'm fizzing with anger, but his fingers wrap around my bicep before I can leave.
"Nora, I'm sorry" His voice softens and his gentle touch startles me. I turn to see the regret in his eyes, and the red mark I've left on his cheek and suddenly I feel guilty for lashing out at him.
"I didn't mean that. I don't know why I said it. I'm sorry" His head is bowed but he stands so close I can feel the heat coming from his skin. His hand is still around my arm and the tight tendons in his arm ripple as he tries to control his grip. I battle the sudden urge to reach out and touch it, to see if the muscles underneath feel as hard as they look. Why do my emotions have to do a complete 180 on me? A minute ago I wanted to rip his head off his shoulders for being a fucking prick and right now I want nothing more than to feel his arms wrap around my body, press myself against him and feel his soft lips on mine. Instead of touching his arm, my free hand goes to his cheek and I cup it gently.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lashed out at you" My thumb rubs over his cheek as the redness slowly fades.
"No it's my fault. That was a dick move, I shouldn't have said that" His head leans into my touch as my thumb continues its course over his face.
"I don't want to fight with you about this stuff Harry. We should be on the same page about this. Why were you so vehemtly against those pictures the other day and suddenly going out today is ok?" I drop my hand from his cheek but he catches it in his hand and runs his other palm from my arm into my hand. It leaves a trail of goosebumps along my arm. We stand hand in hand, as I wait for his reply. I watch the turmoil in his eyes as he finds the words.
"Those pictures the other day..." He hesitates, his eyes dropping to the floor for a second before his gaze comes back to me. "I had no control over them. I didn't want them to be taken, I wasn't ready for them. Probably naive of me but I didn't expect them. But this time I'm in control, I'm showing them what I want to show them"
"Why don't you use your social media more to show what you want then they might stop pestering you so much. That way you'd be in control" I suggest feeling a little like a fish out of water.
"Cause I don't want to be the guy showing off" His shoulders drop in a sigh. "I'm privellaged. I live a privellaged life. I'm luckier than a lot of people and I don't like showing that off"
He pauses for a while. His eyes searching mine for something but I can't tell what.
"At a really young age I was given this amazing opportunity, just handed to me on a plate. Something that others fight their whole life for. I grew up travelling the world, being gifted beautiful clothes, beautiful cars, beautiful women, being adored by millions. I've had it massively lucky. I look like I've got it all. Hell, I do have it all. What more could I want out of life? So the minute I post about it on social media I become the dick saying 'look at me, look at me'. People think I take it for granted. That I expect it"
"You're missing out one important fact though Harry. The fact you're massively talented! Yes you've been fortunate in the way your life turned but you didn't get where you are because of luck Harry. I may only have been in your life for a short time but in that time I've come to realise how immensely talented you are. You are an amazing singer but also an incredible songwriter, phenomenal actor and a pretty savvy business man. You've got to where you are because of you and your hard work. You're allowed to be proud of your success. I know I am"
"But then I post a picture of Ave's and show the world how happy I am and suddenly it'll be "Oh there's another thing that just fell at his lap" "didn't even need to work for that and he got a kid out of it" there's people that spend years trying for kids and here's me having one by accident. I know how it'll go"
"And what about the millions of people that want to say 'Congratulations Harry, I'm really fucking happy for you?' You want to take it away from them? The ones that are genuinely ecstatic for you, because a small few are so full of hatred they think they know better. Which they don't. You know they don't." I plead.
I gesture between him and I to further my point."This hasn't been easy. Not for a second, this has been complication after complication. This isn't how either of us planned our lives out but we're doing it, we're making it work, for us. We're making our family work" I watch as, slowly, his sullen face is overtaken by a smile. It starts small at first but it grows till it's taking over his face.
"What?" I asked, confused at his sudden cheer.
"I like when you call us a family"
"It's what we are, isn't it? In our own weird way" I shrug.
"Yeah I just like hearing you say it" He rested his forhead on my shoulder. Eventually he broke the silence. "I'm sorry. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. It wasn't supposed to turn into a massive fight"
"We need to communicate, Harry. We agreed from day one, this only works if we're honest with each other, about everything"
"I know. I get that. I just..." He sighed as he lifts his head from my shoulder. His eyes have lost their hooded anger and they're back to their bright green hue that I find so familiar. "... I don't want to scare you off with the heavy stuff"
"I'm here for it all Harry, light or heavy, I want it all" and before he can read too much into what I've said I add "now let's see who wants to go for lunch"