The first pictures of Harry Styles and his new baby surfaced last night. Sources say that Harry Styles baby Mama, Nora Henley, 28 gave birth to a baby girl on April 23rd. Further details of the baby are not known at the time, however speculation on Harry and Nora's relationship status are still rife. No one knows if they are a couple or not after the birth of their daughter. A spokesperson for Styles has yet to confirm.
I snorted in irony. I'd like to know that one myself. I chucked my phone on to the arm of the couch in defiance.
"What's that?" Harry asked quietly as he came into the living room holding two steaming cups of tea.
"Oh nothing" I shook my head, gratefully accepting a cup. He went over to check on Avery in her Moses basket, but as I'd just put her down after a feed I didn't think we'd here a peep out of her for a while.
It had been 6 days since we'd been discharged from the hospital and Avery was now 12 days old and it seemed like our girl liked her routine. She wanted fed almost every 3 hours which meant my boobs were getting on to some kind of schedule which was making feeding slightly easier. She slept pretty soundly between feeds which meant, through the day, I could fit in a little nap every now and again so I was feeling a little more human than I thought I would.
"The article's dropped" I informed Harry as he came back and gently dropped his large frame on to the sofa beside me.
He frowned in distaste. "I guess they had to find out eventually" his protective eyes shot to Avery's cot over the other side of the living room.
"You really don't like people knowing your business, do you" I watched Harry over the rim of my cup. He looked almost as sleep deprived as I did, because true to his word he'd been up at almost every night feed. To change Avery while I got myself ready to feed, then he'd get me a fresh bottle of water and make sure I was sorted before he went back to sleep.
"I just don't know why they care. The only people that need to be concerned by our daughter is you and I" The sullen look marring Harry's beautiful face made me wish I hadn't brought it up. I'm sure Jeff or his publicist or someone would tell him that the first "picture" of Avery had leaked. The term picture was used loosely because Avery can't be seen in the slightest. It's a picture from yesterday of Harry, out walking with Avery in her pram. I wasn't over the moon when Jeff phoned last night to tell Harry the article would be dropping in the morning. Once I realised Avery didn't actually appear in the picture, I let it go. People wanted to see the first pictures of Harry's child. I'd came to terms with it. Harry on the other hand...
"Surely you know that's not how it works though. You've been in the industry long enough, surely you get it by now?" I asked
"What? Just because it's the done thing then I should just be happy about it?" Harry frowned finally looking at me.
"I'm not saying happy about it, but less... agitated by it" I offered.
He bristled as he looked away from me. "Well no, I'm sorry. It still irritates me" silence descended on the room. Usually I felt comfortable in our silences but this put me on edge. He was angry at me for bringing it up and I hated the feeling of Harry being angry at me. His muscular frame sat tight at the other end of the couch and I wanted nothing more than to scoot over the couch and wrap myself under his arm, close to his side and let the heat from his body comfort me.
But instead I was left on the other side of the couch suddenly feeling, for the first time, unwelcome in his home. I shifted awkwardly, unsure what to do or what to say.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I'm just still trying to understand all this. Understand you." I looked up but Harry was still staring aimlessly out the window and the tree in the distance, who's leaves were dancing in the wind. I wasn't sure if he'd even heard me or he was just tuning me out.
Eventually, once my tea had gone cold, he stood abruptly from the couch. "I have a dinner meeting tonight then I might go out with a few friends, 'wet the babies head'... it was Jeff's suggestion. Do you want me to call my mum to come and help or will you manage on your own?"
Eventually he looked down at me when I didn't give him a response straight away. "This all seems a bit sudden?" I pulled my chunky knit cardigan tighter around my shoulders suddenly feeling cold.
"Jeff suggested it last night" he shrugged casually.
"Ok, we'll I'm sure I'll manage on my own for one night" I answered as Harry turned to leave the room without another word.
*
3 hours. Harry had only been gone 3 hours and already everything was falling apart.
Avery had fed at 6 o'clock as normal just after Harry had gone out, but when I tried to put her down for a sleep she wasn't having any of it. Which was fine. She wasn't crying so I took her out of her cot and took her down stairs with me. I popped her into her baby seat hoping the motion of the swinging chair would send her off to sleep but she hated it start to finish so out she came. By now it was nearing 8pm and I still hadn't had any dinner but if I could last for another hour Avery would be due another feed, I could put her to bed and get my dinner, maybe a bath and a nice early bed. That was the plan anyway.
"Right, Peanut bed time" I mumbled to Avery as I tucked her into the crook of my arm and headed up the stairs to start the bedtime process. Once she was changed into a fresh baby grow I settled myself down on my side of Harry's bed. Avery started getting restless as I unclipped my nursing vest. I wiggled her around as I got her into position. She did a lot of fussing before latching herself on. I let out a sigh of relief as she started feeding.
"Shit" I grumbled. I'd left my phone just out of reach on the bed by my knee. My water bottle was on the bedside table but I couldn't reach it with my free hand, this was the kind of thing I needed Harry for. Well this was going to be a boring half hour. I looked down at Avery to see her staring back at me and my heart expanded at the sight of her dark little eyes watching me.
"Keep going, little girl" I smiled as I stroked her soft little cheek.
Once she was finished on one side I transferred her onto the other boob and that's when it all fell apart. Avery fed for what felt like only a few seconds before she fell asleep. Which was unlike her. I sat for a few minutes just watching her doze before gently getting off the bed and putting her into her cot. I fumbled clipping my boob back into my vest and I hadn't even got to the bedroom door before Avery let out an almighty big scream. I leapt back to her once calm and peaceful face to see it distorted into an angry little ball of red as she let out another cry.
"Shhhh" I tried to soothe Avery as I lifted her from her bedside crib. Holding her close to my chest I tried to hush her but it seemed like she really had a bee in her bonnet about something. I did all the usual checks then guessed she must still be be hungry so I got back on to the bed and started the feeding process again.
*
"Please Avery" I begged as I stood in the middle of the bedroom holding her close to my chest and rocking her back and forth as she continued to cry. Feeding her hadn't made a difference, changing her hadn't made a difference, holding her wasn't making a difference. She just wouldn't stop crying.
"What's wrong, Angel?" I pleaded for some guidance from my new born knowing it was futile, she wouldn't tell me.
My arms were starting to ache from constantly holding her but I couldn't put her down for the minute I did her screaming kicked up a gear. My legs ached from striding around the house, hoping the movement would soothe her and lull her off to sleep. It wasn't working. Nothing was working. I could feel the sweat forming at the bottom of my back and I had already stripped off my cardigan. I had on my leggings and nursing vest and I felt like I was in the middle of the Sahara dessert the heat was emanating from me so greatly. Her crying was getting more and more frantic and I was running out of things to try. She didn't need changed, she didn't need fed. She needed to sleep but that was clearly the last thing she wanted to do.
I had no idea how to calm my child. I was failing at the most basic hurdle of parenting. My child was crying and nothing that I was doing was helping. What was a mother if she couldn't calm her crying child.
"Please Avery. What's wrong? Just tell me what's wrong" I whispered. I could feel the emotion building in my chest as I paced around the living room, some piece of classical music playing in the background another of my attempts to make her happy. It was failing too. I watched the slow, methodical tick of the second hand on the clock on the wall. It was twenty past 11 and I knew it was too late to call my mum, no doubt she'd be asleep and I couldn't bother Anne at this time. I couldn't be the failure that the threw in the towel the first time she was left alone with her baby. This was supposed to be second nature to me, this was supposed to come naturally. I was her mother, I was supposed to know how to care for her.
Right now I was thankful this was a detached house because I couldn't cope if there were neighbours who could hear this constant screaming. "Write this in your fucking article Daily Fail: Harry Styles' baby mama fails at the first hurdle"
It was at this point that I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. They came in warm hot splashes down my cheeks.
"Why can't I do this? And where the hell is he? I don't even know where he is or when he's coming back. Jesus, were back at your birth all over again" I adjusted Avery out of the crook of my arm and placed her so she was lying on my chest with her head propped under my chin as I continued to pace the living room hoping the constant hammering of my heart might lull her to sleep. At his point I was clutching at straws. I was watching the clock wondering when the hell Harry was going to be home. I knew I could phone him. Unlike on the day of Avery's birth I'm sure he would answer and come home. But on principle I couldn't phone him. I was supposed to be able to cope on my own. I was supposed to be able to do this.
Eventually the tears started to fade. Only mine, Avery was still giving it hell for leather on the crying front. I could feel her body heat rising from the constant crying and it made me feel even more guilty. Surely she had to exhaust herself soon? How could someone so little exude so much energy and just keep going? Maybe I could put her back down in her crib and she'd exhaust herself and fall asleep? At this point anything was worth trying so I climbed back up the stairs, my weary body almost not making it to the top. I dimmed the spotlights in Harry's bedroom, changed her nappy for the umpteenth time, then she eventually stopped screaming. She looked drowsy enough so I bit the bullet and laid her down in her cot. She looked at me for a minute and I took that as a good sign. I slowly tip toed out of the door. I pulled the door over the plush carpet and left it open a jar and took a step before her cry ripped through me.
"For fuck sake" I whined in frustration. I had the urge to keep walking. Down the stairs and into the kitchen, the furthest point from Harry's bedroom. I'm pretty sure it would be far enough to drown out her crying because right now I wasn't sure I could handle any more of this. Instead I took a deep breath, pushed back through the door and straight to Avery's cot.
Once we were back in the living room I started pacing again. Sitting down only seemed to exacerbate her crying so as I stood in the living room, staring at the clock my eyes began to sting with frustrated tears. I blinked hoping it would clear the tears but it only made them fall faster.
"Please Harry" I whispered "Just come home"
I was too busy hushing Avery to hear the door to the living room.
"Nora, what's wrong?" Harry's deep tone broke my from my crying, which in that moment I realised sounded more like sobbing.
"Thank god" I sighed as he rushed to me. He didn't immediately try to take Avery from me, instead he wrapped his arms around me, engulfing us both in his embrace.
"Are you ok?" He asked as I nestled into the crook of his neck. Avery suddenly quietened at the sound of her daddies voice.
I looked up at his vivid green eyes, so full of remorse.
"She just wouldn't settle" I looked down at her content little face. Typical. "I tried everything I could" I sniffed in the most unladylike manner.
Harry gestured towards Avery then took her out of my arms. She immediately stretched out in his arms and gave a little contented sigh.
"Has she been like this all night?" Harry asked before cooing in to her little face.
"All fucking night" I sighed wiping the tears from my eyes.
"It's ok, Daddies here now" Harry grinned down at Avery who was lying peacefully in his arms.
"Yeah but she'll need fed again soon" I sighed, flopping down on the couch, finally taking the weight off my feet.
"It's fine. I'll give her a bottle from the fridge. I brought a pizza in, it's on the kitchen island. Go, eat. I'll take care of this little munchkin"
"Are you sure?" I asked tentatively.
"Yes, Angel" He dragged his eyes from our daughter to me. "I shouldn't have left. I'm sorry for going off on one earlier. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you. And I shouldn't have used that as an excuse to piss off for the night when I didn't need to"
"I don't want you to think you can't go out" I countered as I watched our daughter, finally content for the first time all night.
"I know. But I didn't need to tonight. It's too early. There will be plenty of time for going out when we're more in the swing of this"
"You mean me? You seem to have the swing already" I laughed ironically nodding at our peaceful little baby.
"What can I say?" Harry grinned. "I've got a way with the ladies"
I knew his words were a joke and I knew they were about the little girl in his arms and not about any random woman he could have met while out tonight but I couldn't help the sinking feeling in my stomach at his words but I didn't think it was worth showing him my envious side right now so I simply smiled at his joke and watched as his broad shoulders, still in his shearling coat, stride from the room.