"Harry, I don't think I can" I tugged on his hand as we slowly followed Nurse Okafor along a sterile, white corridor. My footsteps feel heavy as I grind to a halt on the plush, grey carpet. I want to will myself forward. I don't want to be the mother that's scared to see her own child. But I'm paralysed with fear.
I'm startled by the concern in Harry's eyes as he turns to look at me, my hand still in his. "What's wrong?" His voice is gentle and quiet which makes it sound more gravely than usual. He takes a step towards me, my fingers still laced with his, so he can keep our conversation quiet. There are very few other people in the corridor leading towards the Neonatal unit but I'd rather no one could overhear us.
"I don't think I can see her if she's all hooked up to machines and struggling to breath or..." The familiar choking feeling stops me from saying any more as I furiously try and blink away the threatening tears. Harry wraps an arm around my back and pulls me into him. I take a deep inhale of his familiar scent. I close my eyes and just let my senses be overwhelmed with him. I can feel his hard chest pressed up against my own, the warmth of his body and the feel of his soft cotton T-shirt.
"I know that it's scary Nora. I'm shitting myself" He whispers in my ear. "But we have to be strong for her. Me and you, were all she has right now, she doesn't even have a name yet" His warm breath tickles my ear as he chuckles softly. "She needs us to be strong for her."
Knowing Harry has his shit together is the only thing keeping me from losing mine right now. I struggle to control the fear that's creeping up inside of me, threatening to pull me under. Harry drops my hand and wraps both his arms around me, pressing me tightly against him. I shiver as one hand comes up to the nape of my neck. Cradling me.
"It won't be long till you can take her home and have her where she belongs but right now we have to do this horrible scary thing. We just have to get through this Nora" He whispers as he presses his cheek on top of my head. I'm surrounded by him.
"We can take her home" I correct him quietly as I remember, in this craziness, I still haven't told him about living with him. Suddenly I'm
Nervous to tell him. I still, waiting for his reaction.
"Hmmm?" He asks casually as if he just misheard me.
"We can take her home, to your house" I clarify. "We're coming home with you. Our bags are all packed, I was going to tell you tonight, but then all this happened" I looked up into his green eyes that were were red and stinging with unshed tears.
"You gave me my baby girl and tell me you're moving in with me all in the same day?" He asks astonished.
"You're Harry Styles, I don't think this is even in the your top ten best days" I blink and look away.
"It's number one without a doubt" his hand reaches under my chin to pull my gaze back to his and slowly his lips meet mine. This kiss isn't the same as his usual friendly, reassuring ones. I catch my breath as Harry's lips start to move against mine and my own follow along. The kiss only lasts seconds but by the time he pulls away I feel dizzy and light headed. I'm sure he must be able to hear my heart beating out of my chest. And for a second the fear has gone. If that was his plan then it worked. He's made me feel strong, if only for a second, it's got my feet moving.
"Let's go and see our baby"
Thankfully this corridor is quiet. My worry since I stepped out of the comfort of my private room is that Harry gets noticed. The minute someone recognises him and tells the media or the internet it's game over. This modicum of privacy that we're afforded right now, this bubble were in while were inside this hospital will be burst and suddenly we'll have the media hounding us for images of Harry Styles first born child. I can only imagine Harry will want to keep it a secret for as long as he can and while she's so small and delicate, I don't want the world to know yet.
While I was sleeping Harry made the appropriate phone calls to my parents, his mum and sister and Jeff. Then Allison offered to go back to mine and grab all the things I hadn't yet packed into my hospital bag then Harry gave her the keys to his house to grab him some essential stuff. I'm not sure how I feel about Allison letting herself in to Harry's house. She'll maybe be to preoccupied with her task to do much rooting around but I'm not sure I like the idea of her riffling through his underwear drawer to pack him an overnight bag. But the alternative would be Harry leaving and getting it himself and I'm pretty certain after this morning's fiasco I never want him out of my sight ever again.
*
Nurse Okafor handed us over to our own NICU nurse who was in charge of our baby's care. She introduced herself as Lucy and immediately I could see why she was a NICU Nurse. Despite being young she had a comforting smile and bright eyes that made her look permanently optimistic. Something I was clinging to. Optimism. The belief that everything would be all right. The hard bit was over and we just had to concentrate on getting our baby strong. Before we could ever get into the room to see her we had to go through a whole safety briefing on how to wash our hands, when to wash out hands, when to touch our baby and what not to bring into NICU. Harry nodded along as the nurse demonstrated how to wash our hands and I just stared, dumbfounded.
I was overwhelmed by the sense of drowning. Like I was treading water and I couldn't quite keep myself afloat. I couldn't fill my lungs with enough air before I was going under again. I couldn't fill my lungs with enough air before I was getting hit with another problem or challenge for us to over come. Since I'd woken up this morning it had been one shit show after another. And the punch to the gut was now I'd gone through all this, I still couldn't see my baby. I had to be taught to wash my hands like I was a child. Like I didn't understand how much germs could hurt my delicate little flower. Part of me wanted to run. Run out of here, run home, fling myself under the covers and sleep for the rest of eternity.
The other part of me longed to see my daughter. My heart ached at the thought that she was lying in a strange room, in an incubator having never felt her mother's touch. I had to blink furiously to keep the tears from falling and Harry's eyes immediately darted to me like he could sense my discomfort. He slipped his hand in mine and gave it a tight squeeze then turned his attention back to the nurse. I studied his profile for a long minute. For the first time today I realised how tired he was. He'd been pulling shifts writing and recording as much as he could before the baby came and it was taking its toll. His chin was peppered with stubble, well as much as he was able to grow because I'd come to learn Harry wasn't the best at growing a beard. He'd never fair well as lumberjack that was for sure. The stubble was evidence that he'd been getting up early and heading to the studio or passing the time on my couch scribbling away in his notepad. For whatever reason he found it easy to write in my home, probably because there were few distractions and I spent most of my time dozing. His black tshirt was crinkled and his hair had lost its usual shape because he'd ran his fingers through it that so many times today. I had to remember that this wasn't easy on him either and he was here for me. On my side.
"Ready?" I heard a voice call through my fuzzy brain, I knew it wasn't Harry's voice so I could only assume it was the nurses. I looked up and realised she was looking from me to the sink expectantly.
"Oh, right" I shuffled forward, releasing Harry's hand, and washed my hands in the way I'd just been shown.
"I didn't realise you were paying that much attention" Harry mumbled quietly as I dried my hands with the paper towels.
"Neither did I" I smirked. There was something comforting about sharing a private conversation with Harry. It bolstered my confidence to have this incredibly beautiful, confident, charming man only want to speak to me.
"She's just in here" The nurse smiled as she paused outside a room at the end of the corridor. Beside the door we're two massive windows, giving a pretty clear view of the room. The lights were turned down and to create a nice warm glow, in one corner of the room was a nurse, sitting quietly, writing in a chart and in the other was a large, clear incubator. I tore my eyes away, not wanting the first time I saw my daughter properly, to be through windows and plastic, from so far away.
The nurse opened the door and beckoned us into the room. As Harry walked in in front of me I kept my eyes training to his broad shoulder. My heart was beating so fiercely I didn't think I could hold it together enough to sneak a glimpse at our daughter. I was only vaguely aware of the other nurse standing and leaving the room.
"I'll give you both a minute, then I'll come back in to answer all your questions and explain a bit of her care plan" The nurse directed mostly at Harry.
"Thanks"Â Harry nodded. I heard the door close as I kept my eyes trained on his shoulder. I concentrated on taking in a deep breath and letting it back out again. I may have got through three breaths before Harry turned to face me.
"Are you ready?" He asked softly. His compassion floored me for a second and I forgot to breathe. I knew I was being crazy, I knew I wasn't normal, I knew I was being a fucking fruit loop at my irrational fear but he didn't for a second make me feel like that. He had all the patience while I had an internal meltdown over being faced with my newborn daughter.
"You can do this sweetheart... we can do this" He reached out for my hand and willingly I gave it over. After a beat he tugged me forward and suddenly I was moving towards the incubator. My eyes not focusing until we were standing right beside it. I held my breath as I allowed myself to look inside.
Inside lay the most precious creature I'd ever seen. I was immediately drawn to the dusting of dark hair she had around her perfectly shaped head. She was lying on her side, facing us with only a nappy on and she looked so tiny and peaceful as she lay sleeping.
"Oh Harry" I sobbed as I tried to get a hold on my emotions. I'd never seen something I'd loved so intensely before or something I'd love so immediately. I looked at Harry as he slipped his hand in mine.
"God, she's so incredible" He smiled, looking down at her as I watched the tears fall down his cheeks.
*
"We should really think of a name" He mumbled.
The nurse had came back in the room and as she'd promised answered the barrage of questions we had. Her initial blood work had came back and shown no cause for concern. They were currently pumping oxygen into her incubator but they were reducing the amount little by little. every hour. She was being tube fed only so they didn't have to remove her from the incubator, but once they'd taken the oxygen down to 50% they would look at trying her with a bottle. I was encouraged to express my own milk to try and help her along with breastmilk, something I'd quickly agreed to. Eventually the nurse had wheeled two large leather chairs in for us so we could sit by her side as the nurse sat quietly in the corner doing paperwork or something. I was pleased to know she had her own dedicated nurse to watch over her just in case anything was to go wrong. But so far everything seemed to be going well.
"I thought we had weeks left to decide on a name" I pretended to whine. My eyes never leaving the little sleeping beauty inside the incubator. She'd been sleeping for hours and was due to be fed shortly. I was hoping we could stick around for that before I had to go back to my room for a lie down and some painkillers because my whole body was beginning to ache.
"Well I suppose we have a few weeks before we need to register her and then we would really have to decide" He shrugged and I swiftly swung my head to look at him.
"She can't be nameless" My eyes widened. "We can't just call her 'baby' for the next three weeks until we decide"
"Do you have any girls names you like?" He asked shifting round in his seat, his leg bent so his knee was leaning against the arm of the chair.
I glanced back at my baby. "I don't think so... do you?"
"... I have one?" Harry's eyes darted back to her before looking at me nervously.
"What, like one you've had for a while?"
"No, it only came to me today. Then I saw her and, well, I can't really get it out of my head now"
"What is it?" I asked unable to hid the impatience from my voice.
"I'm kind of scared to tell you, in case you don't like it" Harry's voice was almost a whisper. "It's quite a personal thing" He shrugged, a nervous smile playing over his lips.
"Personal? You're talking about naming our daughter, Harry. That doesn't wash with me"
"I like when you say that" A small smile plays across his lips as he looks at our fingers, intertwined, on the arm rest between our two chairs.
"Say what?"
"Our daughter. I like referring to her as ours"
"Better get used to it then. Cause that's what she is. Ours" He looked up and we shared a smile before our eyes simultaneously darted back to her as she started to stretch out inside her incubator.
"Ok, stop stalling. Just tell me the name"
He paused for a long time as he watched me, like he was about to reveal his biggest, darkest secret. I waited patiently knowing the prodding him more would only make him clam up on me.
"Avery" He whispered.
I looked over at her as I repeated the name. "Avery Styles?"
I could feel the grin emanating from him at the sound of his surname. Sometimes Harry was a very complex, hard to read man. Others he was as straight forward as a basic male whom like to stick his name on the end of things that belonged to him.
"Avery Allison Styles" I repeated, trying out a middle name, one I'd been desperate to give if it was a baby girl.
"Avery Allison Styles" Harry repeated, smiling, clearly ok with the middle name. "Do you like it?"
"I love it" I smiled looking back at our little baby Avery.