My heart stopped as I watched Harry stride towards me. He had always had an air of confident masculinity that followed him wherever he went, which probably came from living his life in the public eye and even in this moment his shoulders were pulled back and his head was held high. But the look of terror in his eyes gave away his true feelings. To me at least. He had on a set of navy blue scrubs that lay tight across his shoulders. My heart swelled at the sight of him and I didn't know if it was because of my undeniable attraction to him or my elation at finally seeing him, here, in this room.
I didn't realise I was crying until he got to me and clasped his hands around my face.
"Jesus Nora, please tell me you're okay" He pleaded.
"I am now" I let a slow controlled breath escape.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart. I'm so, so, sorry" He brought his forehead to mine to rest it there as I tried to bring a hand up to touch his face but there were too many tubes and wires connected to my hand.
"Sshhh" He soothed "I left my phone in the car and then..." He trailed off as he began to pepper light kisses all over my face all the while whispering his apologies. "Christ, I got such a fright"
"It's ok. You're here now" I smiled as his lips eventually fell on my own and for the briefest second I forgot about everyone else in the room. For a split second it was only me and him and the heat gathered in my chest. Until someone cleared their throat.
"If you'd like to take a seat here Mr Styles, we can get started" Nurse Abel smiled as he wheeled a stool in behind Harry.
"Right" He sat and immediately wheeled it in as close as possible. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry you had to to through this without me Nora. You must have been so scared"
"Do you even know what's going on?" I turned my head slightly to face him. My arms were laid out like I was on a cross but Harry found my hand and held it.
"Allison updated me the second I got here. God I've never moved so fast in my life, I've just abandoned my car out there, I thought I was going to miss it" His breath came out in short, sharp bursts. I'd never heard him speak so quickly.
"Allison? Where did she go?" I asked, my head suddenly flailing about trying to see the door again.
"I'm right here Nor'" She called from somewhere behind Harry. I caught sight of her blonde pony tail and her beautiful, tearful smile as she popped her head around some machine.
I smiled as tears sprung to my eyes again.
"How're you doing Nora?" Dr Robbins abstract voice came from somewhere over the blue curtain as Harry's hand tightened around mine.
"Fine" I choked.
"Ok, you will feel a bit of movement now, it won't be sore, but you will feel me inside you"
"Ok" I replied as Harry placed a kiss at my temple.
"You got this baby girl"
I clutched Harry's hand tight at the most indescribable feeling. Dr Robbins was right in that I wasn't in pain but I could feel her inside me, it felt like she had both hands around my rib cage and was shaking for dear life. I gasped at the overwhelming feeling. It felt like someone was pressing on my lungs, restricting the breath I could pull into my chest.
"Are you okay?" I looked up into Harry's concerned eyes. The green was darker than usual, they didn't have the same specks of gold and hazel that they usually did.
"Everything okay?" Dr Malcom asked before I could answer Harry.
"Fine" I breathed, not taking my eyes away from Harry. If I could just keep my eyes on him, everything would be fine. His eyes crinkled at the side as he smiled a reassuring smile.
"Nearly there" I heard Dr Robbins murmur before she asked "Dad, do you want to watch your baby being born?"
"Can I?" He looked at me with wild, unbelieving eyes.
"If you want" I attempted a small shrug.
"Drop the curtain for Harry" Dr Robbins instructed one of the extra bodies that were milling around.
"Sorry Nora, your body doesn't bend that way" She joked as Harry got up off his stool to peer over the curtain.
"Here we go" I heard Dr Robbins say as I watched Harry's profile. His eyes were wide in awe and fear with his hand still gripped in mine he looked like he was on his tip-toes in his eagerness to see. I couldn't comprehend what he could see right now but the look of joy in his eyes was enough to know it was worth it.
During my pregnancy I wondered how I would react when I heard my baby cry for the first time. I never concentrated too much on what the circumstances might be, if it was natural, in a pool, at home, on a surgical table, that part wasn't important. It was the feeling of relief and contentment and love at the sound of their first cry that I'd imagined over and over again in different ways. A sound I'd been silently praying to hear for the hour or two since I'd been told this baby had to come out now.
What I hadn't imagined was the look on Harry's face as he looked down at me through his tears and told me "It's a girl"
*
"How're you feeling?" Harry asked immediately as my eyes fluttered open. I felt incredibly disorientated as I tried to look around the room. The familiar surroundings of my hospital room finally started to penetrate my fuzzy brain. My hand instinctively went to my bump that was still there but somewhat empty, then to the empty bassinet that was set up beside my hospital bed.
"Where is she?" My voice asked panicked.
"She's still in ICU" Harry stood by the window his hands squished into the tight pockets of his black skinny jeans. "Dr Robbins came by half an hour ago and said she's doing fine. They're still running some tests and have her hooked up to the oxygen" Harry relayed all the information I mostly already knew. It was the same information they'd told us when I was still in the operating theatre being stitched back together. Despite her cries on arrival the doctors felt she needed extra oxygen to help her lungs so she was quickly whisked away from us. They'd taken me straight to recovery to let the anaesthetic wear off where I'd promptly fell asleep. I'd had one quick glance at my baby before she'd been torn away from us and I still didn't know how to feel about it.
"What time is it?" Somehow I'd fallen asleep on my back which rarely ever happens. I wiggled my toes a little to see if I had full feeling back in them and I slowly tried to pull myself into a sitting position but the pain across my stomach was too much so I stilled. Immediately Harry was by my side.
"Hey, take it easy" He pushes stray strands of hair out of my face, for a second I can't imagine what level of horrible I look right now but I slowly realise I don't care. "It's just after 7, you're due more painkillers at half past so just take it easy for a second. I'll get a nurse"
I watch as Harry disappears from the room. I sink back into the pillow as much as my body allows me. It's nice to have someone else in control.
Only moments later Harry returns with Nurse Okafor who has a whole array of painkillers for me to take. She talks me through where my baby is, what's happening to her and also what's happening to me. She explains to me if I want to take a shower and freshen up a bit she'll come back and take us round to the NICU to see our baby.
"Do you need me to help?" Harry asks after the nurse leaves the room.
"I can barely sit up, so I'm guessing yes" I snap as I attempt to sit up.
Harry is immediately at my side again, ignoring my attitude he hooks his arm under mine and pulls me gently into a sitting position. He helps me to spin my legs round so I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. Without asking he stands in front of me, his feet on either side of mine, and like he was lifting a young child, he puts his hands under my armpits.
"You ready?" He asks. I take a deep breath and nod as he slowly pulls me into a standing position. I let out a slow, pained breath as my body adjusts itself to its upright position. All the while Harry keeps a hold of me.
"Are you okay?" He bends his head, trying to catch my eye but I'm too busy staring at the toe cap of his black boots, trying to will the pain away. The pain slowly ebbs as my body gets used to it's new vertical position. I lift my head to see his earnest gaze watching me. The kindness and patience in his eyes floors me. He's only here to help me. The crazy emotions running through my body are no reason to snap at him.
I feel my lip wobble. "I'm sorry" I whisper. My legs are trembling with the discomfort of standing but he doesn't let me go. I can feel myself leaning on him to keep myself upright but he just wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest.
"Shhhh" He soothes as he keeps one arm around my back and the other strokes the back of my hair as I wrap my arms around his back and hold myself against him as gently as I can. "You don't need to apologise Nora" The soothing rhythm of his hand on my head.
"I do. I don't need to take it out on you" I don't even notice I'm crying until I feel Harry's black T-shirt getting damp under my cheek. "I just, I don't know, this day has just been the worst fucking day of my life and the best all at the same time and now she's not even here. I've waited so long to finally have my baby in my arms and now she's actually here and now I can't even hold her. I don't even know what she looks like. She's been alive for 3 hours and I can't even remember what she looks like. I'm already the worst mum in the world because I don't know what my baby looks like"
My irrational fears sound ridiculous out in the open. Harry holds me tight in an effort to stop me shaking. The steady sound of his heart beating in his chest and the rhythm of his hand moving over my back slowly calms me down.
"I know, sweetheart. I know. Everything you're feeling I feel too. Remember we're in this together. I know it's the worst situation we could be in right now" He pulls me away to look in to my eyes. "But were in this together, remember?"
I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and I nod at him slowly.
"Ok, let's get you showered and then we can go and see our beautiful little girl" He smiles at his words, one of his beaming grins that makes his dimples pop and it does a lot to calm me down.
*
"Right so how the fuck are we going to do this?" He laughs a few minutes later as we stand in the bathroom. It's more of a wet room with a large shower in the far corner but with little in the way of privacy. My eyes follow the cream tiled floor from my feet at the doorway all the way to the large waterfall shower in the corner. A glass partition separates the shower from the toilet but it does little to provide any privacy. I contemplate showering without any help. The painkillers are starting to kick in and I feel my back straightening slightly as I stand on my own. I cant quite stand up straight yet without feeling like my stomach will split in two but I'm getting there.
"If you could just help me get this gown off, then I'm sure I can manage the rest. I'd really like to wash my hair though" I stare longingly at the massive shower head.
"Could you manage that on your own?" He asks doubtfully, following my gaze.
"Probably not" I sigh letting out a little laugh. Harry moves past me to turn the shower on, then comes back to the door and starts unbuckling his boots, once his boots are off and his socks are balled up inside, he starts on the top button of his jeans.
"Wow, I thought I was the one going for a shower, you're not the one that's been through major surgery and is covered in god knows what" I laugh as he starts to peel his jeans down his thighs. I can't help but watch as he bends a knee and pulls his trousers off, one leg at a time. He laughs as he folds them and chucks them on top of his boots.
"Allison still isn't back with my overnight bag and if I don't want to go and see our baby with wet jeans, I'm better taking them off" He stands before me in just his tight black boxers and well fitting black tshirt and I can't help but appreciate him. His thick thighs are on full display, the sinewy muscles popping in all the right places.
"Right stop looking at me like that" He smiles as a blush creeps over his cheeks. "Your turn" He gestures towards me as he takes a step closer. Gingerly I raise my arms as he grabs the hem of my nightdress and slowly pulls it up and over my head careful of all my aching body parts. He roughly folds the garment and chucks it on top of his jeans, his eyes never once leaving me. I feel self conscious as I stand in front of the last man to have sex with me, in nothing but my extra large, unflattering, black granny pants. I fold my arms across my chest in an attempt to cover myself up. Right now my body feels the worst it ever has. Take away the fact I'm in so much pain, my body is carrying so much extra weight, I have a flabby tummy that still has a bump to it, despite the fact there's no baby in there anymore and I don't even want to try and identify the odd red and orange stains that cover my body from my surgery. I don't want Harry to see me like this.
"Don't cover yourself up in front of me" Harry says quietly before moving past me, to check the water temperature and to give me a little privacy. He takes a step back from the shower and stands with his back to mine. I can almost feel the heat from his close proximity. "You just gave birth to our little girl, that body has given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for. If you'll let me, I'll worship it till the end of time. Even now, you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen... apart from our daughter of course." I can hear the smile in his voice as he waits for me to make a move.
I let his words sink in as tears prick my eyes again. I swallow a few times to try and stop the lump in my throat. "Ok, don't turn around" My voice comes out hoarse as I take off my pants and chuck them straight in the bin. I packed at least 10 pairs of those bad boys and it's easier just to bin them rather than remove the maternity pad discreetly without Harry noticing.
"This isn't going to be nice" I hesitate as Harry finally turns round and offers me his hand. His eyes stay on my face as I take it and he guides me under the warm water. Once he has me steady under the water and I've stopped grimacing in pain, he reaches for my toiletry bag and fishes out my body wash and shampoo.
He sets to work as he lathers the shampoo in my hair. I smile as I bend my head forward and realise he was right to take his jeans off as the water falls on his bare legs and feet as he washes my hair for me. It's blissfully therapeutic as his long fingers work their magic against my scalp. It feels like he's scratching all the dirt away. He wrings out the water from my hair and gently helps my to straighten up. Taking the small sponge out of my toiletry bag he drowns it in body wash.
"Turn around" He instructs gruffly and I do as he asks. I shiver as the cold gel makes contact with my back. I hold my breath waiting for the pain that never comes as Harry gently works the sponge over my back and washes away the evidence of the surgery I'd been through earlier. Once he's finished the back I turn around and he hands me the soapy sponge and turns around to allow me a bit of privacy to wash the rest of my body. Slowly, I rinse off all the bubbles and suddenly I feel like a different person. I shut the shower off and Harry takes that as his queue, he wraps my up in on of the fluffy charcoal towels that sit on a shelf above the sink. Gently he rubs the cotton towel over my body, drying me as well as he can. I silently take the towel from him and wrap it around my torso.
"I'll tidy up in there if you want to get dressed. Just shout on me when you need a hand" Harry gestures towards the bathroom as he helps lower me back down on the bed. I'm not sure how much he understands of a women's body after child birth but I'm thankful for the moment of privacy. He places my bag within arm's reach and disappears back into the bathroom.
Slow and steady wins the race as I manage to pull on a pair of pants and a dark grey nursing vest but my tracksuit trousers stump me. They are the softest, cotton maternity trousers that Harry bought me weeks ago that I saved specifically for this occasion but I simply can't bend enough to get my feet into them.
"Harry" I huff as I attempt to get my foot in a leg hole again.
"Stop, stop, stop" Harry laughs as he comes back out the bathroom. I'm not sure wether to be thankful or disappointed to see he has his jeans and boots back on.
He bends down in front of me and his hand takes my ankle and guides it into the foot hole. He does the same with the other ankle then helps me to stand before he tenderly helps me to stand and pulls them up, he lets me take over as he gets to my hips and I settle the trousers high on my waist.
"Thank you" I whisper once he's helped me put on my flip flops and cardigan.
"Don't mention it, Buttercup" He smiles. I look down as he takes my hand in his. "Ready to see our baby girl?"
"Ready as I'll ever be..."