"It's happening again" Allison murmured in warning, but my eyes were already glued to the screen. I watched as, for the third time in less than 40 minutes, the numbers on the screen dropped, the heartbeat slowed for a few seconds before it kicked back into rhythm, chugging away as if everything was normal.
"I think you should buzz for the nurse, somethings not right" Allison's voice was stern as she sat in a big leather recliner beside my bed. Time seemed to be passing so slowly. We'd now been in the hospital for 2 hours and I'd spent the last 40 minutes staring at the computer screen or out the window, with my phone clutched tightly to my chest.
The only reprieve I'd had from staring was when I phoned my mum to update her on what was going. Immediately there had been tears. Tears from her because there was nothing she could do to help me right now. Tears from me because I felt so helpless and lacked control over anything that was about to happen.
I took a deep breath before turning to face Allison "I know somethings wrong Allison but the quicker I buzz the quicker someone's going to come in here and confirm somethings wrong and seeing as I still haven't got a hold of Harry, I'm not ready for someone to tell me that somethings wrong"
Allison eyed me sternly knowing when the tough love was needed, "Melodramatics won't get you anywhere Nora. Press the button or I'll press it for you"
I looked away as my thumb hovered over the red button. I refused to apologise for my bad attitude as I ran my thumb around the plastic remote. I didn't want to apologise for my outburst. My emotions were all to shot, Allison knew this. She also know I couldn't handle the added emotion of apologising right now. So for right now she would just need accept that I was being a dick. I let a sigh escape before pressing the button.
Only a few moments later I heard the bustle at the door before Nurse Okafor burst into the room, followed swiftly by Dr Robbins.
"Everything ok, Lovely?" Nurse Okafor smiled as she reached into a basket underneath the laptop screen to fetch out a blood pressure monitor. She smiled in question, her eyes darting to my arm which I lifted dutifully allowing her to wrap the thick cuff around my bicep.
"The numbers have dropped for the third time now" I watched as, subtly, Dr Robbins and the nurse exchanged a glance before Dr Robbins started fingering the graph paper and Nurse Okafor busied herself checking my blood pressure.
"Blood pressure is climbing" The nurse noted aloud as she wrote the numbers on my chart.
Dr Robbins simply nodded before she turned to face me. "Ok, we have a couple of options Nora, but the main thing is: I don't want to leave this baby in there for very much longer"
I felt like my lungs collapsed as soon as I processed her words. I struggled to pull any air into my lungs. It was too soon. I still had 5 weeks to go. Would the baby be ok if it came out just now?
"But it's too early?" Allison became my voice as I stared blankly at the doctor.
"It is earlier than we would prefer" Dr Robbins admitted as she clasped her hands in front of her chest, facing me. "But that doesn't guarantee complications. The baby is fully grown from 32 weeks so that's not so much of a concern, there are other factors though. Lung maturity being the biggest at this stage but we have ways around that. It might mean the baby needs a little extra oxygen when they come out, which may mean a little stay in the NICU but that's not anything to worry about. We have all the facilities here to assist baby on delivery"
"How would you deliver if she's not ready to go in to labour yet?" Allison asked sensibly. Right now I was so glad she was here because my brain couldn't function properly.
"We could try and induce labour early but..." Dr Robbins frowned "the chances of it working at this early stage are lower and the complications it can add to delivery are something I'd like to avoid" She crossed the room to take a seat at the edge of my bed. "The babies heartbeat is dropping because they're in distress. We won't really know why until we get them out, they could be pressing against the umbilical cord, or the cord could be knotted this could mean the heartbeat is dropping because babies not getting enough oxygen when the placenta isn't working properly. Which is something I can't allow to go on much longer. I know this is a lot to take in right now but I'd like to schedule you in for a cesarean section in the next hour or so"
If I thought my lungs had collapsed before it was nothing like how I felt in this moment. As if someone had physically punched me. My body deflated as I curled around my bump, cradling it. It was too soon for my baby to come out.
"We're struggling to get in touch with Harry" Sensible Allison was back in action, for me. "What happens if we can't get him here in time?"
I wasn't looking but I could hear the hesitation in the consultants voice. "We can keep trying him but in this instance my priority is delivering the baby safely and quickly. I can hold off an hour but that's as far as I'm willing to go"
I felt Allison's arm around my shoulder as she rubbed gently. "So what happens now?"
"I'll give you a little time to digest the information. Then Nurse Okafor will come back in to prep you for surgery, I'll come back with the aneaesthetist to talk about how the surgery will be performed, you will then need to sign a few medical forms, then we'll take you down to theatre" I looked up and Dr Robbins was wearing that smile. That smile of pity, like she knew she was shovelling all this shit on to me and she knew I was going to drown in it.
"As before, please don't eat or drink anything. Small sips of water if necessary but nothing more" and with that they both left the room.
Eating anything wasn't going to be a problem as I got off the bed in record time, went to the bathroom and lost the contents of my stomach. Allison was behind me in a shot, holding my ponytail back with an arm around one of my shoulders helping me to stay somewhat upright.
Once I'd stopped being sick the tears immediately followed. Allison let me go as I braced myself over the small sink inside the plush bathroom. I splashed as much cold water as I could manage in and around my mouth before I bowed my head in defeat.
"He's not going to be here for the birth of his baby" My throat was choked as I felt the sting in my nose, my eyes grew glassy as the tears slowly leaked free.
Allison shushed me quietly as she wrapped her arm around me. "I'll do my very best to get him here" She gave my shoulders a squeeze before leaving me alone in the bathroom.
I looked at my reflection in the large mirror above the sink. I looked grey. How could I go through this without him? Someone, who 8 months ago, was nothing more than a random hook up, a one time thing, an amazing one time thing but something that was never supposed to go any further. But now here I was staring into the abyss and he was the only person I wanted by my side. I had no idea what would happen next. All I know was a c-section was major surgery. But what would they find when they got inside and finally got my baby out? My arm instinctively curled around my bump, cradling the baby in a way I hoped to do soon but probably wouldn't. My gut instinct told me they'd take the baby out and something would be wrong. Something had to be wrong or why else would I still be feeling barely any movement.
My ears pricked up from my pity party as the door just outside the bathroom opened. My heart jumped for a second thinking it could be Harry but it immediately dropped. It wasn't urgent enough for Harry. The guy was going to have heart failure the moment he looked at his phone and read the umpteen messages Allison had sent him, looked at the thousands of missed calls and listened to my voicemail. I didn't know how else to get a hold of him. He would be beside himself if he missed the birth and I wasn't sure I could do it without him by my side but I wouldn't put the baby at risk. If the doctor said they needed to come out now then I had to listen and do as I was told.
"Nora? Are you ok?" Nurse Okafor's voice came floating through as she knocked on the door.
"Yeah, I'll just be a second" My voice sounded scratchy and scared. I cleared my throat trying to get rid of the choking feeling but it didn't work. Nurse Okafor was standing beside my bed with gowns in her hand as Allison paced beside the window, a phone glued to her ear. I could only pray this was the time she'd finally get through to him.
The nurse handed me two gowns and I looked at her puzzled. "One for the front and one for the back" She smiled. "They don't make them big enough to go round baby bumps so it'll protect your modesty" Her smile was well practiced. She must be trained to keep her cool while her patients are freaking the fuck out. Cause I knew, right now, I was freaking the fuck out.
"If you put the front one on first then put the other one on the back like a jacket, we can whip that one off once you're in theatre" She smiled politely and nodded towards the bathroom. Taking my queue I slipped back into the bathroom.
As I brought my hands up to pull off my t-shirt I realised they were shaking. My body convulsed as I tried to control the shaking that I realised wasn't contained in just my hands. My legs wouldn't stop twitching as I pulled off my socks then my leggings. Once my clothes were folded on top of the toilet seat I caught a glimpse of my naked body in the large mirror. My eyes centred in on the baby bump. I'd been told time and time again by both strangers and acquaintances that I was 'neat' and 'I had such a small bump' that I 'carried so well' whatever that all meant but right now I felt far from neat, the only thing I could see in the mirror was the baby bump like it was taking over my whole body. Yet somehow I knew the baby was too small, to small and not ready to come out into this big bad world. Especially not when I had no idea where their daddy was.
The wave of nausea hit again as I contemplated doing this without Harry. I couldn't wrap my head around why he wasn't answering his phone. He had his phone on him everywhere he went, granted when he was working it was on silent but even then I knew he didn't go so long between looking at it. He hadn't looked at his phone in at least 4 hours now. The worst 4 hours to not be looking at his phone. I didn't even want to to go down the route of wondering where he was or who he was with that meant he wasn't looking at his phone because that would be a dark tunnel full of low self esteem and anxiety that I didn't need to go down right now. The thought of going through this experience without him was scary as hell. Although pregnancy and childbirth could be a quite lonely, isolating experience for some: I hadn't found that too much. For me it had been a team effort. Yeah, I was going through the physical stuff but other than the first few weeks Harry had been there every step of the way. Nearly every doctors appointment, every scan, every shopping experience to every major decision he had been by my side. Now, the one time I needed him more than ever he was nowhere to be found.
A light knock on the door jolted me from my trance as the nurses voice floated through. "Ok in there Nora?"
I cleared my throat before replying. "Yeah, just coming" I hastily shoved my arms through the gowns and went back out to be greeted by Allison.
"I managed to track down a number for the studio he told you he was recording at today" My heart did a giddy leap at the prospect she'd been in touch with Harry. "... he wasn't there" she added hastily. "But I spoke to Jeff who seemed to know where he would be and said he'd get in touch with him. He swore he would find him if it was the last thing he did" Allison shrugged "I know you don't like the guy but he sounded deadly serious"
Although, I guess it was good news, the nausea didn't disapate and the shaking hadn't stopped. But least someone else was also on the case.
"Nora, if you could pop up on the bed for me" Nurse Okafor asked as I followed her instructions and hauled myself as gracefully as possible on to the bed. The nurse busied herself checking my blood pressure, taking blood samples and inserting a cannula in the back of my hand. She gave my a couple of tablets to take, which she did explain the reason for but I was too preoccupied to pay much attention. I could only hope Allison was incase I needed to know later on.
Eventually Dr Robbins came back with a dark haired man in the same blue scrubs Dr Robbins had now changed in to.
"Still no father?" She asked sympathetically. I shook my head. "I'm sorry Nora but I can't really hold off any longer"
"It's fine" I swallowed to stop my voice from cracking. It was anything but fine but, priorities and all that. I gave her what I hoped was a smile that conveyed confidence and reassurance. In reality it was probably more of a grimace.
The doctor introduced me to the anaesthetist, Dr Malcom who ran through his role in the surgery which seemed pretty important, he was the one in control of my pain levels. It was his job to control my sedation so I was awake and coherent enough that I couldn't feel the pain of being cut open. I hoped it wasn't a fine line between the two. Then Dr Robbins went through the actual process of the surgery which she would be doing then together they made me aware of the pro's and con's of the surgery and what the risk factors were as I signed a few sheets to say I agreed to the surgery. If I had more time to think about it I probably would have asked more questions or been a bit more apprehensive but luckily I didn't have much time before they were directing me out of the room and taking me a short walk down the corridor towards theatre.
"So we'll take you in first, Nora" Dr Robbins explained "Put in the spinal anaesthesia, catheter etc and once you're lying down and comfortable then we can bring Allison in to be with you during surgery. Allison, Nurse Okafor will show you where you can get changed into scrubs before you come in"
I felt Allison's hand squeeze in mine as she nodded at Dr Robbins. The whole experience felt surreal as if I was watching from afar as my body floated down the corridor. I read as many signs as I could to help with my bearings, I realised I would need to recite this story a few times when this ordeal was all over and I wanted to remember as much as I could but I wasn't sure any of this was going in.
"Are you okay?" Allison whispered quietly as we made our way through a few sets of double doors.
I shook my head because there were no words to describe how I felt right now. Sheer terror, dread, relief, apprehension, maybe even a little excitement wrapped up in a big ball of anxiety lodged in my gut. My hand instinctively curved around my bump. Whatever happened, however the next few minutes/hours? unravelled it would all be worth it as long as I got to bring this little peanut safely into the world, wether Harry was here or not.
"Ok, Allison if you come with me" Nurse Okafor stopped outside a heavy looking door marked Changing. Allison spun me gently to face her.
"You got this sweetheart" she nodded at my convincingly enough that maybe I believed her for a split second before the nerves jumped back in. "You've got your big girl panties on..."
"I don't have any panties on..." I whispered, my voice so quiet I wasn't sure if she would hear me but I looked up to a grin spread over her face.
"Dirty stop out" She whispered quiet enough that only I could hear her as she wrapped me up in an engulfing hug.
As Allison followed Nurse Okafor into the changing room I was lead into the theatre that was a lot brighter than I imagined it. I had visions of dark green and stainless steel which I guess came from Grey's Anatomy. However this room was bright with white subway station tiles on the wall. The bed in the centre of the room wasn't a silver trolley, instead it was a metal bed with a large blue plastic mattress on top. It looked comfy enough. The walls were filled with screens and machines, of which I couldn't guess their purpose. What surprised me most was how many other people were in the room. The place was buzzing with activity. There were a few nurses fussing around a small plastic cot, dressing it with sheets and prepping blankets. It gave me a shiver to think that shortly my baby could be in that cot. There were another three nurses beside a large table of utensils which I didn't spend to much time looking at as I followed Dr Robbins to the table.
"This is Nurse Abel" She smiled as she handed me off to an older male nurse. "He'll get you prepped while I scrub in, okay?" I smiled anxiously at the newest face and Dr Robbins disappeared into a side room.
"Ok, very simple Nora, we'll take your back gown off, help you up on to the bed where Dr Malcom will insert your anaesthetic, it will kick in pretty quickly so we need to lie you down very gently, we'll get you to swing your legs up at the same time you lie back, we'll be here to guide you the whole way. Once you're lying down we'll put the catheter in then get you hooked up to a few machines. We'll then test to make sure the spinal block is working. Then we can get your friend Allison back in and we can carry on with getting your little baby out. Do you know what you're having?"
I don't think I caught most of what he said but the distraction of the last question was enough not to worry me. "No, my..." The words boyfriend were about to slip off my tongue and it stung tenfold to know that he wasn't here, nor was he my boyfriend. "The babies father didn't want to find out, so it's a surprise"
"That's lovely" The nurse smiled as he ushered me back to a step and helped my climb up on to the edge of the bed as Dr Malcom came into my periphery. Dr Malcom took over as he instructed me how to sit and how to round my back so he could get the best access to insert I gigantic fucking needle in my back.
"It will nip but please try and stay still" He instructed after rubbing in some freezing cold numbing cream.
"Easier said than done" I mumbled as I felt his hands steady my back. I held tightly to Nurse Abel's hands as I curved around a pillow to help in the arching of my back. I stared at the same hole on Dr Abel's Croc as I felt the needle go into my skin. I took a deep breath as the needle just kept going.
"Relax" Nurse Abel whispered as I felt the needle retracting. "Ready? Feet up and lie back gently. Don't worry, we've got you" He smiled as suddenly a lot more nurses were around me helping me to lie down on the bed.
The next part should have been embarrassing but I was passed caring about having a catheter inserted. The sensation of warm tingles started to take over my lower body which I was told was perfectly normal. I did as I was instructed as I was hooked up to machines to monitor blood pressure, blood flow, oxygen levels, anaesthetic levels and a thousand other things I couldn't remember all the while I kept trying to wiggle my toes, unsure if I was succeeding or not. Before I knew it Dr Malcom was spraying me with a seriously cold air spray, to check what I could feel. Turned out the answer was nothing. He sprayed it on my shoulder so I got acquainted with what it felt like but once he went lower than my boobs I couldn't feel a thing. A screen was erected over my chest just as Dr Robbins face appeared over the blue curtain prohibiting my view of the surgery.
"How're you feeling Nora?" She asked from behind her face mask. I was distracted for a moment by the perspex glasses she was wearing. "Fine" I smiled.
"Ok, we're just getting a few things sorted before we bring Allison back in, shouldn't be long" She nodded before she disappeared out of view.
"You're doing so well Nora" Nurse Abel smiled from a stool to the right of my head. It was disconcerting hearing a lot of commotion, knowing there were a lot of bodies around me but not being able to see much more than what was around my head.
"Right, we're ready for Allison now" Dr Robbins informed someone as I heard footsteps retreat towards the door. A few short moments later the door opened again and my heart swelled at the familiar sound of Allison's voice.
"Hey, Nora..." She chuckled.
I looked to the left as Dr Malcom wheeled back slightly to let me see her as she stood in the doorway. A familiar body came barrelling into the room.
"...Your boyfriend's back"