April
35 Weeks
We stayed at Anne's for only another night before Harry decided we should head back down to London. He had a few recording sessions to get under his belt before he stopped working for a couple of months for the baby's arrival. I was overjoyed when he told me he was taking a solid 2 months off when the baby was born. It proves to me just how committed he is to making our situation work. The only problem with him taking so much time off was he had to get a lot of work done in the next few weeks. Which meant, when I wasn't in work I was starting to get mighty bored. I had spent the previous day, gutting the house and cleaning it from top to bottom. Both Harry and my mum said I was nesting, a common occurrence when a woman is weeks away from having a baby. What neither of them knew was I was secretly getting the place ready for the new tenant that was due to move in in a few weeks. While in Manchester with Harry I had decided moving in with him made the most sense. Taking my undecided feelings out of the equation, it made sense to do this whole 'newborn stage' together, if that meant sharing night feeds or dirty nappies or just having someone there to watch the baby so I could take a shower, it made sense to have the support. I didn't need to be a martyr and prove that I could do this alone. Harry's support was unwavering, I might as well make the most of it. I just hadn't broken the news to Harry that he was getting a lodger for the next few months.
I woke up the next morning to the realisation that my cleaning spree might have been too much for my heavily pregnant body. My body ached all over, my muscles felt like they'd been stretched in all the wrong directions and my head was pounding. I took the opportunity to stay in bed as I didn't have work to go to.
"S'only me" Allison's sing song voice called pulling me out of my slumber.
"I'm in bed" I called, clearing my throat trying to rid the raspy sound of sleep.
"Everything ok?" Allison's blonde head popped round my wooden door and concern laced her face as she took me in.
"Fine" I huffed as I pushed myself into a sitting position and my hand immediately went to my bump as a pain shot through my tummy. I winced as the pain slowly subsided.
"You don't look so hot, Nor'" Allison came to sit on the edge of my bed. Her mothering instincts took over as her hand immediately went to my forehead. "You feel a bit warm" She commented, confirming the reason why I felt a bit clammy. She flattened my wayward curls on top of my head and tucked my hair behind my ears.
"I think I overdid it yesterday with the cleaning" I let out a sigh as I gingerly arranged my body on my pillows.
"I did think the place smelled amazing" Allison attempted to mask her concern with a smile but I could see she wasn't convinced. "Is that you starting to nest? I don't think I've ever seen it so tidy in here" Her eyes floated round the room, appreciating all my hard work.
"Something like that" I let out tightly as I grimaced, my hand massaging my bump as if it would iron out the shooting pain I felt in my belly.
"What's wrong Nor'?" Allison's hand caressed my arm gently as I tried to fix my features.
"It's nothing" I tried to dismiss but I could see in Allison's face she wasn't convinced. "I just keep getting a pain, a weird shooting pain around my bump"
"Are you in labour?" Allison's eyes widened. "It's too early!"
"I don't think so. It's just mighty uncomfy" I rubbed my bump affectionately as realisation slowly dawned on me: I couldn't remember when I'd last felt the baby move. My heart beat immediately kicked up a gear as I sucked in a sharp breath.
"Should I call Harry?"
"No he's working" I dismissed shaking my head. "I think I just need to rest" My gaze fixed on the white fluffy clouds I could see out my bedroom window as I tried to recall if I'd felt baby move this morning. I was so exhausted that I couldn't remember. Surely I had. I usually feel the baby moving every morning. I must have.
"Nora, what's wrong?" Allison's concerned voice pulled my gaze back to her.
I swallowed, trying to rid my throat of the dry, restricted feeling."I can't remember the last time I felt the baby move" I admitted quietly.
"Maybe she's just sleeping?" Allison offered, concern clear as day in her eyes.
"She?" A smile fleetingly picked at the edges of my lips. "Harry's convinced its a girl too. I think it's a boy"
"You should drink something ice cold. Try and wake her up. Wait there" Allison instructed as she flew from the room. I got out of bed and changed out of my pyjamas and into a pair of leggings and a grey t-shirt and followed Allison and the sound of my kitchen tap running. I pulled my hair into a bun to get out the way. As I moved I was so concious of feeling movement. It was something that had become second nature to me. I knew what was normal for me, and not being able to recall the last time I felt the baby move was not normal. I tried not to dwell on it, as Allison passed me a glass of water, the condensation on the outside testament to how cold it was.
"Google says drink something freezing cold, or something really sugary or something hot to wake them up. So if this doesn't work we can try some sweet tea"
I nodded absentmindedly as I took a small sip, the cold water jarring my teeth. It felt soothing as the water trickled down my throat.
"Drink up" Allison smiled and I was catapulted back to the night Harry and I met, when Allison and I were in this very same flat doing pre-drinks before heading to the club. Oh how times have changed.
I did as I was told and brought the cold glass to my lips, drinking as much as I could before my chest started to hurt from the freezing temperature. I pressed a hand to my chest as I handed the glass back to Allison.
"Anything?" Allison asked, placing the glass into my empty sink.
I shook my head as I tried to concentrate on what I could feel inside me. My heart sank as I felt nothing. "Maybe it takes a while for it to work?"
"Google says it should be pretty instant. The coldness should wake them up"
I stood in silence, my brain playing tricks on me, for a second I would feel like there was phantom movement, to then realise there was not.
"Nora, I don't like this. Please let me call Harry. Or a midwife or someone"
I stood with my eyes screwed tightly shut, willing the baby to move. The baby was inside my body, surely if I stood still enough and concentrated hard enough, I could make him move.
My eyes popped open at the realisation. I'd used a gender! For the first time in 35 weeks I'd called the baby him. I had tried so hard not to want. After those first few scans where they couldn't see well enough to give a gender, Harry had suggested we just didn't find out, let it be a surprise. Despite it going against my inner need for control, I agreed and ever since I'd done my best not to wish for it to be a boy or girl. My gut instinct told me it was a boy, but what if I got my heart set on it being a boy and it was a girl. I couldn't bare to be disappointed at all the birth of my own baby. Therefor I had refused to get my hopes up either way.
"Did you feel something?" Allison shot towards me, her hand immediately on my bump.
"No" I answered,my brain finally catching up with what was going, I couldn't let my fear paralyse me. "I need to phone the midwife. Can you pick up my notes from the coffee table?" I asked my best friend as she immediately sprang in to action.
*
"Answer. Your. Bloody. Phone" I huffed out, staring at my phone as I ended yet another missed call to Harry.
"What's he doing today?" Allison asked, her hands gripping her steering wheel as she navigated the lunchtime traffic as we slowly edged closer to the hospital. When I'd explained my circumstance to my midwife she'd told me to get straight into hospital to be checked out. She'd try to reassure me that there wasn't necessarily anything wrong but it was better to get checked out than wait any longer. Her attempts at reassurance did little to abate the feeling of dread and apprehension that had lodged itself in the pit of my stomach.
The moment I got to the maternity wing of the hospital there was a nurse decked in dark blue scrubs, waiting on me. My midwife had done as she'd promised and phoned ahead. I wanted to take that as a sign that they were organised and true to their word but I couldn't help but look it as meaning there was something wrong.
"Hi Nora, I'm Nurse Okafor. If you could follow me, we'll take you straight in for a scan and have a look at what's going on in there" She smiled affectionately at my bump but again it did nothing to soothe the dread that was almost choking me. I wiped my clammy hands on my coat as I eyed Allison.
"Do you want me to come with you or will I stay here and try and get Harry?" Despite my craving for Harry to be there I knew I didn't want to go through any of this alone.
"I need you to come with me" my voice came out sounding nothing like me own. I sounded scared.
"I can ask the receptionist to continue trying to contact your partner for you" Nurse Okafor had gentle dark eyes that crinkled at the edges as she gave me, what I'm sure was supposed to be a reassuring smile.
"Thank you" I whispered as we set off down the corridor. The sound of everything was magnified. I could hear my footsteps on the cream, linoleum floor and the sound of my ragged breathing as I tried too hard to keep my breathing even and the sound of my blood swirling in my ears. I was concentrating so hard on the feeling inside me that my other senses were over compensating.
The nurse had a quiet word at reception before leading my into an empty scan room.
"Have you experienced any bleeding?" The nurse asked as I followed normal protocol and took my bag and scarf off as she took my notes that Allison handed over.
"No, none" I answered as I rolled down my leggings.
"Any pain?" She asked casually, flicking through my notes. I knew what she was doing but it still bothered me that she asked the questions so flippantly like it wasn't a big deal.
"Yes, I was feeling a shooting pain around here" I gestured to the lower side of my bump as Allison hovered beside me, with my phone in her hand.
"Are you still feeling that pain?" The nurse asked as she finally turned to face me. Her expression staying neutral, giving away very little indication if I should be worried or not.
"Not as intensely now" I admitted.
"Ok, pop yourself up" she patted the black, leather bench with its roll of sterile paper over the top. "And we'll see what baby's up to" She smiled, her lips parting to show a row of white teeth. Her smile still doing little to calm me.
I attempted a calming breath before crawling on to the bed. As gently as I could I turned round on to my back and adjusted my T-shirt around my bump. The cool air around my bump was a welcome relief, like a balm to the heat that was surging around my body.
In equal measures I wanted the nurse to hurry up and get this over with good or bad, but at the same time I didn't want her to come anywhere near me with that wand in case what she was had to tell me was bad news.
"Right, let's see what's going on here" Nurse Okafor smiled as she squirted the cool gel over my exposed skin. Allison's cool hand slipped into my palm as she thread her fingers through mine. She gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as I held my breath as the wand made contact with my stomach.
What felt like hours but must only have been seconds Nurse Okafor's accented voice broke my trance "Breathe Nora, there's a heartbeat"
I exhaled the breath I was holding and immediately let out a sob.
"Thank god" I heard Allison exhale as the water works started and I couldn't control them. I lay as still as I could as the tears slipped down my face. There was a heartbeat.
"There's not as much activity as there probably should be, baby seems a bit sleepy but there's the heartbeat, pumping away..." The nurse twisted her screen around to give us both a glimpse of the baby and it's fuzzy little heartbeat beating away on screen.
"Why aren't they moving as much?" Allison asked the question I wanted to know but couldn't quite form in my head.
"Could be a number of simple things" The nurse smiled as she handed me a roll of tissue to wipe off the excess gel. "I'd like to get you into your own room so we can get you hooked up to the trace for a little while, monitor the movements that way. I've paged your consultant, Dr Robins, she'll come down shortly once you've been on the machine for a while to have a look at what's going on, okay?" I knew that Nurse Okafor's bright smile and chirpy voice was meant to soothe me but even knowing there was a heartbeat wasn't enough to dislodge that feeling of dread deep in my stomach.
Allison and I followed the nurse through a maze of corridors before we came on to what looked a ward. She showed us to a private room which looked more like a hotel room. The cream linoleum flooring carried on through the room but the walls had a thick, grey wallpaper and beside the door was a marble counter top with twin sinks and rolled up plush towels.
"I'll give you five minutes before to get settled then I'll be back to get you hooked up to the trace. Okay?"
I nodded as she floated from the room and Allison immediately fished for my phone as I stood in a day dream, looking out at the quiet street below.
"Still no answer" She huffed pulling the phone from her ear. "Is there someone else I can phone that can get a hold of him?" Allison asked as I wrapped my arms over my chest and sighed, shaking the foggy feeling in my brain.
"I don't have Jeff's number" I frowned running my hand over my head and through my pony tail. Alison had the sense to grab my half packed maternity bag before we left the house so I fished around inside for my fuzzy, grey slippers before slipping my tennis shoes off, popping on my slippers and hoisting myself onto the hospital bed that lay in the middle of the room.
"I've never seen a hospital with wallpaper on the walls" Allison noted as she tucked my over night back in the oak cabinet beside my bed.
"Oh how the other half live" I raised my eyebrows.
"This is something else" Allison shook her head in disbelief as she wandered around the room, running her finger along the television, bracketed to the wall in the corner of the room. "This en-suite is like something out of a 5 star hotel. Honestly this place is nicer than most of the hotels I've stayed in"
Allison's wandering came to a halt at the sound of the door opening behind a privacy curtain. I held my breath, praying that Harry's head would pop round the curtain. Instead I was greeted with Nurse Okafor wheeling in what looked like a laptop on wheels. She wheeled the contraption up to the side of my bed and started unhooking wires attached thick round pads.
"How're you feeling now?" She asked as she prepped the machine for whatever it was supposed to do.
"Okay" I nodded hurriedly. I was far from ok but I didn't want to alarm anyone anymore than I already had.
The nurse busied herself attaching two, big plastic discs to different areas of my tummy with what could only be described as cotton, elastic-bands. Carefully she altered their positions ever so slightly and suddenly I could hear that familiar choo-choo sound of the babies heartbeat.
"Bingo" she muttered more to herself than anyone else. "How does that feel?" She asked stepping back. I felt a bit exposed like an exhibition at a museum, bump and stretch marks on show for anyone who walked through the door. But on the whole I wasn't uncomfortable so that was the response I went with.
"Ok, we'll I'll leave you for a little while. Everything seems to be ok for now" She commented as she pulled at paper that was feeding out of a tiny printer below the laptop. "Just buzz if you need anything and Dr Robbins will be in shortly" before she made it to the door she paused. "Oh, we didn't manage to get in touch with your partner, but we'll also keep trying" She smiled before she ducked out of the room.
"Any luck?" I asked Allison who was sitting by the window, her eyes glued to both our phones.
"No" She exhaled sharply. "How fucking difficult is it to get a hold of Harry Styles?" She asked, clearly not waiting on a response. "He's going to shit himself when he finally looks at his phone and has a hundred missed calls"
"Give me my phone, I'll leave him a voicemail then we can stop trying, he clearly has his phone on silent or he doesn't have it on him" Allison passed me my phone as I called Harry's number again. It rang and rang before it clicked on to voicemail.
"Harry, it's me...." Jesus, I hated leaving voicemails. "Allison's brought me into the hospital because I wasn't feeling great this morning. Nothing to worry about but I think they want to keep me in for a while. Can you please give me a call whenever you get this." Abruptly I hung up before I said something embarrassing, or worse, started crying. Clearly I hung up just in time as the stinging in my nose didn't disappear, instead the tears began to fall down my face.
"Shhhh" Allison hushed as she sat on my bed in front of me. She wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulders and I leant my head on her shoulder. "Everything will be fine"
"I know. I just want him to be here." I sobbed as the tears feel freely. "I don't want to do this alone."
"Your not alone Nor, I'm here for as long as you need me, I'm here" She squeezed me as tight as she could without dislodging any of the wires and pads stuck to me body.
"I know, All. I just don't know what to do. I need him here. I'm in too deep here. I'm in too fucking deep"
Gently, Allison pulled away and set me back down on my pillows. I used the sleeve of my cardigan to wipe away the tears. "I don't want to do this without him" my voice was raspy from the tears but I didn't care how pathetic I sounded, Allison wouldn't judge me. "I said I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't get attached. I could do this on my own if need be. But here I am, the second the shit hits the fan I need him. I don't know how to do this without him" I hiccuped through a sob as my voice grew quiet. "I said I wouldn't fall for him"
"I know, sweetheart, but it was inevitable" Allison pulled my hand into both of hers, and stroked her thumb across my knuckles in soothing circles.
"I know, but I've just complicated things tenfold" I murmured.
"Why? Who's to say he doesn't feel the same way?"
I pondered Allison's word for a brief second before my attention was drawn to the laptop. The constant drum of babies heartbeat had dipped for a moment as the numbers on the laptop screen began to drop.
"Is that normal?" I asked Allison
"I have no idea" Her eyes also fixed on the machine.
Time stood still as I stared at the machine, willing the numbers to change. After another beat the familiar sound of the baby train kicked back in and the numbers began to climb again. I let out the breath I had been holding and wiped my clammy palms over my leggings.
Allison looked at me with concern when suddenly we were interrupted by the familiar face of Dr Robbins.
"Nora, how are things?" She smiled, fishing a pen out of the top pocket of her white lab coat as she stretched for my notes in a pocket at the bottom of my bed.
"Ok" I lied. "The monitor just did a weird thing" I gestured to the screen over my shoulder. Allison has gotten off the bed when my consultant had entered the room and now was hovering over my other shoulder.
"Oh.." Dr Robbins looked up from my notes. Her navy, court shoes clicking on the linoleum floor as she came closer to get a better look at the machine. She stayed silent as she fingered the graph paper coming through the machine.
"Did you experience any pain when the numbers dropped here?" She asked
"No" I shook my head, watching the doctor inspect the paper. She looked at where the discs were placed on my stomach and frowned.
"These didn't dislodge at all?" She asked touching the discs gently.
I hesitated. "I don't think so" I looked at Allison briefly who only frowned and shook her head in agreement.
"Ok, we'll I'd like to leave you on the trace for a while longer. Get a true reflection of what's going on in there" She smiled affectionately at my bump but the smile didn't quite meet her lips. "Just as a precaution, don't eat any more and try and limit your fluid intake. Small sips of water is fine but nothing more preferably. I'll be back in to check on you shortly. Do you have any questions?"
Her brusqueness was not something I'd seen before. In all my appointment a with my consultant, Dr Robbins had always been cool, calm and collected with all the time in the world for me, right now it felt, not that she didn't want to be in the room with me, but more like she had somewhere more important to be.
"I don't think so" I shook my head as she smiled and headed towards the door. "Just buzz if you need anything" and suddenly she was gone.
"What the fuck..." Allison mumbled as she crossed to look at the paper steadily feeding through the printer. "I don't even understand what this means" She muttered.
I checked my phone as a distraction from the numbers and the sound of the heartbeat. There was still no answer from Harry. I was coasting in to the unknown without the one person I needed by my side.