February
28 Weeks
"I'm waddling aren't I?" I looked over my shoulder at Harry who was conveniently walking a few steps behind me, typing away on his phone.
We'd just had the most successful shopping trip where we'd ordered all the nursery furniture for Harry's house. He'd spent a small fortune on the most magnificent, white, wooden, sleigh cot with a matching chest of drawers, changing table and funky little wardrobe. He'd been so animated and engaged when buying the furniture, he knew exactly what he wanted and he took so much care over choosing a mattress for the cot that it made my heart swell, to see another human being so invested in the life and well being of my baby. We still hadn't discussed his offer of moving in with him when the baby was born. Mostly because I had yet to give it much thought. I was sure if I did, I'd read too deeply in to it, jump to some awkward conclusions, assume it meant way more than it did and it would just make things difficult. So while Harry wasn't mentioning it, neither was I.
Harry's eyes glanced up from his phone and a half smile fell over his lips. He cocked his head to the side as his eyes fell to my ass then immediately shot back up to my face.
"I mean there's a little more junk in the trunk. But I wouldn't say you're waddling just yet" Then he winked. The wink caused a fuzzy feeling of excitement to uncurl low in the pit of my stomach. I let out a small huff at my ridiculous reaction to his wink. I shook my head as I continued up the quaint little street lined with cafe's and clothing boutiques, towards Harry's Range Rover that was parked beside the curb. The wind whipped around my face as I struggled to see so I pulled all my hair to the side and held it tightly making sure I wasn't going to trip over anything. My growing tummy made it difficult to see my feet and one of my biggest fears was tripping and falling.
Suddenly there was a commotion in front of me and before I knew it there was a man in khaki trousers, a navy fleece and a black cap with a long lense camera pointing in my face.
"Just give us your name, Love" He caught me unaware and I stopped abruptly. His flash was blinding as I struggled to breathe, momentarily winded from the shock. After a beat I felt a hand at my lower back.
"Just keep moving" He marched me towards the car. My legs felt like lead but he kept me moving, till he got to the passenger door and then he bundled me into the seat, forcing my seatbelt at me before slamming the door. The camera man was suddenly at my window. Thankfully the windows were darkly tinted but I didn't know if that meant he couldn't see in. He kept taking pictures regardless as Harry clambered into the drivers seat. Without even putting on his seatbelt he started the car, forced it in to drive and sped away from the curb.
"Are you okay?" He asked sternly once we were safely far away from the photographer, his eyes not leaving the road in front.
"I... I... think so?" I stammered as I watched his hard set jaw twitch in anger.
"Are you sure?" He asked placing his large palm against my bump. His gentle touch an oxymoron to the anger seeping from his bones. His hand only lay they're for a second before it hastily shot to the seatbelt, forcing it around his torso, thankfully once he was buckled in it stopped the irate beeping the car was giving him.
"The fucking bastard" He mumbled, mostly to himself I assumed as he kept his foot down even though we were now far away from the photographer. Though I'm not sure I could really call him a photographer, that name suggests a certain degree of knowledge and talent. I struggled to believe that guy had either.
"What does this mean?" I asked quietly as Harry sat fuming in his seat.
"That he's just forced me to do something I've been putting off for weeks" Harry muttered.
"Why have you been putting it off?" I asked, suddenly realising I was a bit afraid of his answer.
"Because..." He stopped before he said anymore. He let out a resigned sigh.
"Because why?" I probed.
He shook his head, refusing to answer me and it caused a gnawing sensation of dread in my stomach. Suddenly there wasn't enough space or oxygen in the car. Because he didn't want the world to know about me. He was embarrassed. If he told his fans, the media, the world about me that would make it official. He couldn't suddenly drop me the minute this situation got too inconvenient for him.
He pulled the car into his driveway after the gate opened for him and I suddenly realised he brought me back to his instead of to my own flat.
"Because why, Harry?" I repeated.
"Because I don't want this fucking life for you Nora" he answered dejectedly slamming his fist against the steering wheel causing me to jump at his sudden outburst. "You have no idea how this is going to go. How much shit you'll have to put up with. Why do you think I've been single for so long? Because no one wants to put up with this. It's just not worth it" He eventually looked up at me and my heart broke for the hurt in his eyes.
"You're life is about to change forever. Once we tell the world you're having my baby. Everything will change for you" he sighed
"Everything's changing anyway, Harry" I shrugged, trying to reason with him but completely unsure how I could diffuse his anger.
He snorted out a sarcastic laugh. "You have no idea Nora. That, what just happened, will happen every time you leave the house. You won't be able to nip to the shop for a pint of milk without some creep with a camera following you, shouting at you, harassing you." He turned to sit straight on again. He didn't make a move to take off his belt so I assumed we were doing this in the car. Despite my slowly dwindling comfort levels I would just suck it up get on with it. I undid my belt and twisted so I was facing him. Before I could say anything he spoke again. This time the anger had left his voice and was replaced with a dejected melancholy.
"I've lulled you into a false sense of security. Because I've not been touring or on promo the attention hasn't been so bad for me, we've been able to go shopping or to the hospital without anyone noticing but the moment I start promoting my new album, you and the baby will be centre of attention. You won't be able to move without scrutiny"
I frowned, trying to better understand his anger. "So I'll make sure I don't leave my house without make-up on" I attempted humour but it fell on deaf ears.
"You don't understand Nora" Harry sighed shaking his head, his body still facing straight, refusing to look at me. I was beginning to get uncomfortable. There was button from my green khaki jacket digging in somewhere around my bump but I couldn't work out where. And the waist band of my leggings were too tight around my rib cage but I didn't dare complain for the fear we'd leave the car and Harry would close up and we wouldn't get to the bottom of this conversation.
"So help me to understand, H" his ears pricked up at the use of the nickname. I had heard his mum call him it a few weeks ago and at the time I'd felt too awkward to use it despite my love for nicknames. We'd spent so much time together recently that my hesitation to use the familiar pet name had slowly vanished, I really hoped he wasn't going to tell me that name was reserved for friends and family only.
"It's not just wether you leave the house make-up free and in sweats that will be questioned. It's every single tiny, minuscule part of your life." He paused and finally turned in his seat to face me.
"How soon you're seen in public after having the baby, your figure, how quickly you lose the baby weight, if you don't shed the weight quick enough, if you loose the weight too quick, how you dress the baby, how you hold the baby, how much time we spend together, what you're seen doing with your free time when you don't have the baby. Anything and everything you post on social media will be analysed and over analysed, stories will be made up about wether we're together or not. If you're seen with another man it'll be immediately assumed you're dating him" He grimaced at his words as he painted a picture of what my life could be like. "You already know how quickly it's assumed I'm dating any woman I breathe the same air as..."
"Ok, I get it" I breathed quietly as the bleak picture he painted became clear. I tried to think of a way to pacify him, a way to convince him I could cope with all that was about to come my way.
"Tell me what you're thinking?" He asked, I hadn't realised he was watching me.
"That I really need to pee?" I looked up just in time to watch a small smile spread across his face though it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Ok, let's get you inside" He shook his head slightly and finally took off his seatbelt.
*
"You're making the assumption that I'm staying for dinner then?" I looked up from Harry's sofa as he handed me a menu for the our new favourite Chinese restaurant.
He shrugged and flopped down beside me, pulling the edge of the blanket that I had wrapped around my folded legs, over his right arm. "I can take you home if you'd rather" His eyebrows raising in challenge.
I frowned at him then looked down at the menu. "I thought you knew my order by now" I teased.
"Just giving you the option" He plucked the menu from my hand and got back up to phone the order. Like me, he always left the room to order. It was scary enough having to phone someone to order my food, I could never do it with distractions in the room or I mucked up the whole order and god knows what I'd end up with. It seemed Harry, required the same privacy.
Our dynamic had changed in recent weeks. We were spending more and more time together seeing as Harry was on a break from work. He'd put off releasing new music until after the baby was born. It was something he'd chosen not to discuss with me, but instead discussed with Jeff who had been slightly hesitant at first but knew there was no point in arguing the matter. Part of me was glad to have him around so much, the other part was afraid he would get bored and resent me for holding the cause for him being around more.
Our unfinished conversation from earlier kept playing on my mind. I knew life as the mother of Harry Styles' child wouldn't be plain sailing. I think I'm ready for people to write horrible things about me and criticise me left, right and centre. I had came to the conclusion that I'd just ignore it. If I didn't read it, it wouldn't hurt me, right? What I hadn't thought about would be the constant scrutiny on Harry and I's relationship. We were finally in a good place, a place where we were good at communicating, we were comfortable with each other. But how would that change if, in 6 months time, he got a girlfriend? I hadn't put any thought into how I would feel. I had already failed miserably at coping the last time he was pictured with a woman and she was only a friend. I picked at a thread on the bottom of my charcoal t-shirt as I worried my bottom lip between my teeth.
"Penny for them?" His deep voice made me jump.
"I didn't even see you standing there!" I admonish as he smiles from the door way. "I put the heating on for you" He adds as he crosses the room to flop back down beside me on the couch.
"Thank you" I smile as I shift round on the couch to face him and offer him some of the blanket.
"You looked deep in thought" He eyed me warily as he took the edge of the blanket from me and shifted closer so he could toss it over his arms as he crossed his feet on the dark, wooden coffee table. After the kitchen, we were in my most favourite room in this house. It was his 'casual living room'. He had a formal one down the stairs that he used if he had guests or was entertaining but this was the one he used when he was home alone or it was just the two of us. The walls were painted a deep, warm grey. The dark charcoal sofa's were as comfy as my own at home and it had a massive 60 inch television on the wall that had access to every form of App and video streaming site you could want. Harry had challenged me to find something I couldn't watch on this T.V and I had failed miserably. We were currently making our way through Season 2 of Outlander. I think Harry was enjoying pretending he was learning about Scottish culture. When in actual fact it was set in the 18th Century and this season was based mainly in France.
Harry watched me intently, waiting for a response.
"I thought I'd considered all the ways in which my life would change after... the public... found out about us. The baby, about the baby" I quickly corrected myself. "I'd accepted how I'd be judged for everything I did" I paused to look up at his bright green eyes. "I didn't think about the scrutiny it would be put on our relationship"
He nodded in understanding.
"I think I've shown that I'm not the best when it comes to you being pictured with other women. Don't ask why, it's just something I don't cope well with and I don't imagine that changing any time soon. So..." I trailed off, not really sure what I wanted to say next without sounding like an idiot. I had all these thoughts jumbling about in my head but I found it hard to understand most of them let alone justify them.
"I get it" He said quietly. Goosebumps erupted over my shin as he placed his hand on top of my leggings and gave my shin a reassuring squeeze.
"You do?" My eyebrow raised in confusion. "Cause right now H, I'm not even sure I do"
The side of his lips rose in a small smirk.
"What?" I asked, his smile infectious.
His expression softened as he looked at me. "I like it when you call me that" I smiled in response. "Look Nor, I don't know how things between us are going to pan out. But I can promise you one thing, you two are my biggest priority, forevermore"
His words made my heart swell and he knew exactly what to say to reassure me.
"I'll do whatever it takes to make this work" he gave my leg another squeeze. "And I don't necessarily mean 'us'" He used his free hand to air quote. Which kind of dipped my soaring heart for a second. "But us, as a unit, the three of us, I'll do whatever I need to do to make it work for us."
I smiled at his words. They were all I needed.
"Ok, I'm ready for you to tell the world" I sighed resolutely. He looked at me puzzled.
"Jeff said those photos would leak tomorrow at the earliest... well I'm ready for you to tell the world first, your way."